A snip and a new look

I just want to thank my dear friend Julie, who gave us her precious time to change up my blog. Julie, you are awesome at this and I can't thank you enough!! I had a whole post that took me over an hour to work on, when my hand slipped. Yep, it erased it all!! I thought I was going to scream, but what's done is done. Seth ended up going through with getting snipped. He says he'd rather I refer to it that way then the technical term. Yes, I do have his permission to tell this story. He's so secure in his manhood that it doesn't bother him when I talk about it. It happens everyday and why should anyone be embarrassed about talking about it, after all we are just being responsible. Yesterday we dropped the kids off with Seth's parents. They were elated to spend time with Pop Pop and Nana, so they weren't to sad to see us go. We decided to first stop off at the hospital to visit Bubbe, since the office is kiddie corner from where she is staying. I had a rough night and wasn't feeling well, so I made sure to wear a mask and stay back as far as I could. I just couldn't bear the thought of being so close and not saying hello. She was dozing when I came up and immediately perked up as soon as she saw me. She looked quite tired and wore out. I guess her PIK line ended up bleeding quite badly. My Mom pretty much figures that what blood in the transfusion went in, probably came back out. We are praying that her veins would toughen up and that they'd be able to get her fluid weight in balance. She hasn't walked since being in the hospital, so she needs to work on getting the energy to do that before she can even think of going home. I had to leave quickly as my Mom didn't want to risk me passing anything to her, so I left. I got into the car finding that Seth was starting to get a little nervous. We made our way over to the parking structure and then headed up. On the way up, I asked him again, if he was sure. With out missing a beat, he said he was. Elijah's urologist is in the same group of doctors. He was amazing with him and us. In fact, after Eli died, he sent a hand written letter sending his condolences. That old building is gone now and now the new one is quite fancy. We sat down next to the kids room (they have a window that you can see in) and were looking at all the pictures of the kids. Eli would have been up there. I started to get quite emotional about everything. Seth reassured me that this was the right thing to do, but offered to cancel if it really bothered me that much. My emotions said no, but my logic screamed yes. It's just crazy to think at 31 that I am done having kids. For over 9 years, it's been such a pivotal part of our life together. I imagined having such a larger family and we are short, our two precious ones. After what seemed like a million years, the doctor came and got us. As he took us back to the room, we started to banter back and forth. "How long does he have to be down for?" "6 weeks," he responds without missing a beat. I actually started to laugh and I started to relax. He asked about Seth's job and seemed interested. I was expecting to be put through the wringer about why we were having this type of procedure being done at such a young age. He did ask how many kids we have. I always get stumped with this question, because we have 4, but really only 2 are here, so then it gets weird. Not that Seth and I feel weird, but sometimes other people get uncomfortable. We briefly explained our story, when he stopped us to ask Eli's name. Once we said "Elijah Praise" he said he remembered us well. I about cried. I love it when people remember him. We talked a bit about Eli and Rory and he didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable. I was kind of surprised, as most specialists tend to be quite clinical and not show any emotion. "We had a loss too." His face softened. He would have been 12 last month and he died of a brain tumor 5 days after he was born." It's amazing how we run into strangers who have been in our situation and we both end up pouring out our hearts without any awkwardness. It's an unspoken bond. I asked him if they had any more kids and they did. They had more naturally, but decided to stop because she'd had several c-sections and it increases your chances of rupturing (one of the many reasons we decided to go through with this) but they also adopted 2 children as well. They named their second child's middle name, after their first born. Right way, I knew G-d had meant for us to be there. I prayed so hard to know if this was the right decision for us or not, and really didn't feel anything strongly. After he shared, I knew. The best part was how he still talks about his deceased child and still has his pictures up and the man is a doctor! The more I have been meeting people that have been in our situation, the more I am realizing that we are normal. It's not weird that we talk about them, after all this time. It's okay that they are still very much are apart of our lives. Through out the appt. we'd skip back in forth with banter and being able to openly dialogue about our children. Here is the funny part. So after we give the okay to go ahead with the procedure he takes us into another room. Seth started to get a little more nervous. I walked into the room and was immediately looking for the stirrups. I asked the nurse where they were? She said they didn't have them, but she wished they did. I told her I did my time, now he has too. We all started to laugh. I won't give to many details, as well, eew. I have to say, I don't see what the big deal is all about. After giving birth to 4 children, one naturally, and 3 c-sections, it was a piece of cake. As they are prepping, Seth begins to laugh. Now, Seth and I are very used to medical procedures being done, on me, and Eli, but not him. Each minute that was passing by he seemed to laugh even harder. I asked the doc if this was a normal response. He replied "eh, no." Seth is still laughing. Of course it was because he was embarrassed and nervous. I quickly reminded him how many people were in the operating room with Eli and then I had to face them every day for months! Men, oy! Well, the more he tried to contain his laughter the more he'd laugh. Here is a funny fact about me. I laugh in horrible situations, and once I start, I can not stop. I had a friend fall off her bike on a bridge and almost fall off the bridge and I started laughing and couldn't stop. I felt so bad and it was so rude, but once I start I can't stop. Thankfully, this one time, I held it in and kept my composure. It's just that I have never seen Seth jump so high with a needle before. I about lost it. Anyhoo, I am literally laughing right now. Needless to say, it went easily. Seth got to go home and ride the couch while watching whatever his manly heart desired. So our new chapter begins and we can focus on the future. I can clean out the storage and embark on this new part of our lives. No looking back now. The whole time this is happening I was having intense pressure around my eyes and jaw. I have been having this on going horrible headache since Monday. The light is so bright and sound is magnified by millions. Since the kids were at his parents and Seth was fine, I finally caved and went to Urgent Care. I have been trying to avoid going because I don't want to pick up anything else. My goal is to keep us healthy so that the kids can go see Bubbe before Isaiah goes back to school. Unfortunately the pain over ruled my fear and I went. Thankfully I got in pretty quickly and was diagnosed with my first ever, sinus infection. So I got my antibiotics and I am hoping that they work quickly, as I feel like my head is being slammed in the door repeatedly. I am excited about this coming week as we have so many fun things planned. Tonight we are having a meal of appetizers for us and the kids. Right now Seth trying to teach Isaiah how to use the Wii so we can all exercise together (I couldn't do that after having my procedures!). We are both excited about tomorrow morning and can't wait to see the look on the kids faces as they both know what is going to happen. I got Aria 2 my little ponies and I am excited to be able to play with her. She is officially my last baby (sigh) but I am so blessed. Well, Seth is trying to dance so I need to go and raz him. May you all have a very Merry Christmas. We love you Eli and Rory, you truly are missed.

The Power of Prayer

First things first. I thank our Lord for being so gracious and praise HIM, for He truly listens! I also want to thank all of you for your prayers and please continue as there is truly power in prayer. We were so blessed last night as Seth's Aunt and Uncle watched the kids for us so that we could go in for a visit. At first my annoying germaphobia kicked in. I started to worry that I might pass something to her (since we've been sick) and worrying about this and that. I stopped myself and prayed "Lord please take this anxiety away, you haven't given me a spirit of fear, but of love and sound mind. Give me your wisdom..." I sat still for a moment and then packed up our stuff to see Bubbe. I can't remember the last time visiting someone in the hospital. It's so hard for me to go in any of them, let alone that one. Thankfully the Lord is changing me and He gave me the courage to go and I am so glad He did. We walked those halls so many times with Eli, so I knew right where I was going. I poked my head in (complete with mask and a gown) and there she was. She look so small and she has a Bi-Pap machine on, which looked huge on her small head. My Mom quickly ran to me and started to fill me in. I waved to my Bubbe and she just grinned from ear to ear, she did this the entire visit. Of course, she wanted to stroke my face, as she has done my entire life, but I couldn't come that close. So we just hugged ourselves and blew kisses. Right away, before I could ask, she wanted to know how everyone was. We filled her in and Seth soon joined us. Seth told her that she was his Grandma too, and she began to cry. We chatted for quite a while and I got her to eat. Seth ran downstairs to get her some frozen yogurt with her favorite, chocolate. She ate pretty well for us, even though she didn't want to. We talked about all the things we have done in the past and what we need to do in the future. She always used to take us mini golfing (or putt putt, is what we called it) and I reminded her that Isaiah is about that age to go and she needs to be able to take him. Now anyone who knows her, knows she loves a good party. So I told her when she gets out, we'll have to have one and go out to eat. She lit up like a Menorah! All the while, she could only see my eyes (since I had the mask on) and kept on telling me how beautiful I was. I started to get teary eyed, as I never had much self esteem in the way I look. Her and my Grandpa always would tell me how beautiful I was growing up, even in my ugly duckling stages. I thought to myself, how many time I had blown off their words and didn't believe them. Last night, all I could think is how much I need her to stay. Her words and support have always brought me such comfort. As I am growing older, I am realizing as people pass on, the less you are surrounded by that kind of lavishing love. Anyways, I didn't want to leave and I just wanted to crawl in bed beside her and watch old reruns while talking about the latest, but they wouldn't let me. So today I waited to hear if she is doing better. My Mom called to let me know that they are going to place a PIC line, as all her veins in her arms are shot. She is also getting a blood transfusion today as she is anemic. Please pray this would all go smoothly. If she does well, they might be able to move her to a different floor which means, she'd be doing much better. I believe in the power of prayer. I know some might say, G-d will do what He will do, but it says "..with prayer and petition..." I have seen so many miracles happen after mass amounts of people began to pray. Bubbe is so loved and the kids adore her, in fact anyone who meets her does. Isaiah really wants to go and see her, he said he could make her all better. She loves the visits and I know they are what keep her going. My Mom loved having us up there as well. She looked drained, yet grateful. Seth and I have been talking about how he used to get a Christmas bonus and how much he missed being able to buy everyone he loved a gift. I found myself reminding him that we have so much to be grateful for and that everyone knows how much we love and appreciate them. Gifts are nice, but time is better. We are so blessed to have such a loving family and friends, he still has a job, our kids are great, and we have a nice warm home. I'd rather spend time with our loved ones and be thankful for those memories that another trinket (although with kids they just want the gifts, but that's a kid thing). I told him our time will come, but until then we just need to give the gift of love. Plus, even the kids like toys, but it's the attention they thrive on. Please forgive us for not sending out holiday cards, I kept on meaning to, but it just never happened. Hopefully one of these years we'll get to it. In the meantime, thank you for all your support and prayers. Dear friends and family, I may complain and worry a lot, but my love for you is endless. Know that I care and love you all so much. You mean so much to me. May the Lord bless you and I'll keep you posted!

Prayers, Questions, and Answers

There is so much going on, that I almost don't know where to begin. Most important things first, our Bubbe (My Mom's mother, my grandma) and her health. Almost a couple of weeks now, she was having trouble breathing at home and was gasping for air. They called the rescue squad and had her taken in where they admitted her and then later took her to CCU (Critical Care Unit) or what I am used to calling it, ICU. Her health is a balancing act. Any of you who have dealt with someone being seriously ill knows, how delicate and balanced your body really needs to be. If she has to much fluid, it puts pressure on her heart and not enough, dehydrates her and so on... She was doing better a few days ago. She's been off and on a kind of CPAP machine that goes in the mouth to give her a break. Lately, she has been going into respiratory distress. This is really putting a huge strain on her body. She has been in pain and is scared. My Mom is very protective of her. My grandfather (who was AWESOME) passed away 9 years ago in March. While my Mom's only sibling, passed away around 13 years ago. So it's just my Mom and Bubbe that are left from their original family. My Bubbe has always been great. I don't think she's ever had one enemy in her entire life. She is always wondering how everyone is doing and even when she isn't smiling, she still is. I used to call her and tell her all my problems and when we'd visit, we'd stay up late and watch The Golden Girls together. When Eli was alive, she threw her whole self into loving him. He knew it too. We rarely talk on the phone anymore, since it's so hard for her to hear. When we go and visit, she just lights up. She loves the kids and has been trying hard to get Aria to play with a doll that she has had for over 50 years. This doll was something I had wanted to play with as a child, but never was allowed to. But Aria is allowed, how is that fair, LOL! I am worried. I know that she can't live forever, but my Mom will be lost with out her. We just need more time to make more memories. Bubbe loves everything and appreciates every second, to the fullest. She's been scared and I hate to know that she's scared. We've been sick and not allowed to come down. Today I am thinking I am just going to go down anyways. I'll just be sure to gown up and put a mask on. Please pray that she gets better, we just aren't ready yet. I know it's G-d's time, but I am praying He'll give us some more. Please pray for my Mom, she has had the Flu HIB (she just found out yesterday) while all this has been going on. Instead of being at home, sick as a dog, she has been up with my Bubbe. It's been a nightmare and I know she is drained beyond belief. She doesn't even have a cot to sleep on, instead she has been sleeping in a chair. Except for my dad coming in for a couple of hours, she has been the only one there with her. I want so much to help, as I remember what it is like being in the ICU and it's very hard to be alone and so worried not knowing what will happen next. So please pray for a miraculous recovery.

On to some not so important news. I have Seth's permission to post my next bit of news. On Thursday he is going in to get clipped (if you know what I mean). We have scheduled this appt. several times, but it seems to keep on getting put off by other things. After much discussion we have decided it's time. We have been through so much and have 4 beautiful children. We really want to be able to give our kids the attention that they need and financially be able to provide for them. It's a hard decision. We've spent so many years trying to have kids, that I almost don't know how not to! Seth is 110% ready, me, I am about 95%. It's hard when you have so many issues going on and then seeing other people getting pregnant with such ease. I found it difficult to be happy for others, when we wanted kids so badly and couldn't. Now, I don't have that envy bug and I can be totally happy for people when they do get pregnant. I love that! Since meeting Seth, I have wanted a larger family. We kind of do, but to most on lookers we have 2 kids. I feel so blessed to have the ones I do. Seth has said if we really want more later, we can look into adoption. I love the idea, as there are so many kids out there who have no one to love on them. The only thing I worry about is how to financially come up with the money to adopt. But if G-d wants us to do it, He'll make a way. So for now, it looks like the chapter in our life of having kids, will be over. Every ending has a new beginning. I must admit, there is a part of me that is a little sad. I loved being pregnant. There is so much more than that, but that's the shortened version. I think I am still trying to convince myself, maybe it's just a woman thing to never feel done???

Isaiah is home for winter break. Aria has not been liking him intruding on our usual routine. One minute they are best buds and then the next, they turn into territorial animals! They both are excited about Christmas. Isaiah has really been so interested in the bible and Jesus. Seth actually caught footage of Isaiah holding a glass of water and a carrot while saying "this is my blood spilled for you..., and this is my body...." Yep, he was preforming communion. I really don't know whether to laugh or be horrified. He asks tons of questions and seems to soak everything up into that sponge, called brain, of his. No, he doesn't think he is Jesus, in case you are wondering. Aria has been waking up almost every night. I think she has been having nightmares. I pull her into bed with us for about an hour and immediately as soon as she is in my arms, she goes to sleep. She is reading everything! But still loves Maisy. I tried ordering a movie on line and got ripped off royally. The one time I didn't check to see if it was legit and wham! We had to cancel our credit card and it has put a damper on Christmas. Oh well, Christmas isn't about gifts anyways. Would you believe that they sent me an email today say it was coming with a false tracking #? The nerve!! I don't know how they sleep at night? Seth is still working and we are praying that business picks up. We are still contemplating starting a business, but realize how much of a gamble it really is. So we have to pray some more. There was more I had to say, but my mind is blanking out. I haven't been sleeping well and it seems to really be affecting my memory. If anything of what I say doesn't make sense, now you know why!

I am still looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. I am praying for a year of happy endless possibilities. G-d has really opened our eyes to so many things, I can't say I understand it all, but I am grateful. I am praying for a year of joy, peace, and happiness. Aw nuts, the kids are at it again, I'll update soon....

Please continue to keep the Quist family in your prayers!

Music and Cookies

For those of you who wonder why I notify of my postings on facebook, I do this because some of my readers have had a hard time signing up to receive my posts. They appreciate the easy access, and I appreciate simplicity myself. Anyways, on to my post. After having a long talk with a wonderful friend, she helped me right out of my rut. Since then, Seth and I have been devoting much of our time to doing things we regularly put off. It's so easy to just work on the house and do chores and before you know it, the night is late and we didn't achieve what we set out to do. One of the things that Seth really has wanted to do, is play his cello for Aurora and Elijah at the Mausoleum. The whole place is pretty much done in marble, so voices and instruments carry through the whole building. He was blessed enough to have a friend of his, loan Seth his daughter's cello. Seth hasn't played in over 7 years (except for a couple of minutes when he first got the cello) so he was a nervous wreck. He was so worried he wouldn't remember how to play. We also went out there to hang their stockings complete with 2 stuffed animals. Originally, we wanted Aria and Isaiah to be with us, but figured they wouldn't have the patience to wait around. Thankfully, we made the right choice. It was pretty cold since they must have lowered the heat and had most of the lights turned off. It was pretty late at night, so it was very dark. Seth and I were the only ones in the building (we have keys) and off we went. Seth began to play by ear, since he had no sheet music. I noticed the song right away, "Sunshine." I immediately started to tear up, and was surprised at how emotional I was. The music flowed through the entire building with such a beauty, I can't barely describe. He played pretty well for someone who hasn't played in so long. He then asked me to sing (gulp) and I did, because it was for the kids. We had thought we'd only be there for a few minutes, which turned out to be almost a full hour. We sang all of the songs we used to sing to Eli while he was alive and also ones that I sang while Aurora was still with us. It probably sounded like a train wreck, but we had so much fun, that we lost track of time. It felt so healing. I almost felt like Eli and Rory were there saying "We're here!! You didn't forget all our songs. Thank you!!" I could almost imagine Aurora dancing in a beautiful ball gown, while Eli still being a baby and seeing him staring up at me with his big ole soulful blue eyes. I am hoping to find Seth his own cello (cheaply) as he came alive while playing and I loved hearing him play. The cello has such a beautiful sound, mmm, I loved it. I can't wait till the kids are older and they'll be able to join along. We have several other friends whose children would now be 18, they still get the whole family together on the special dates and do the same thing. One family in particular, on their daughter's birthday, go out and get a Christmas tree, even after all these years. All the kids participate and some are even adults now. I have been trying to keep on top of the house work and grocery shopping so that we can have one true day of rest. Yesterday we ended up reading books from the library (close to 40) to the kids, for what seemed like hours. Then we finally made cookies. I admit, I am no baker. I really don't like it. But after years of having the excuse of all the carpeting everywhere, and now that isn't the case, we did it. Isaiah LOVED it. He was so eager to help. Aria jibber jabbered and ran around and finally helped out with cutouts as well. But Isaiah, he was just so excited. Thankfully Seth loves this stuff, so I helped a little bit, but then took lots of pictures. What we didn't know is not to place the cookies so close together. We basically ended up with 2 giant cookies. It was actually pretty funny. Thankfully, the kids could have cared less. They just knew they ended up with a sugary reward, something we rarely have. Another thing I have been committing to is cooking. Lately, I have been determined to master the crock pot. The crock pot has been the bane of my existence. Yes, to all of you who say it is easy, not such for me. The kids doctor said she even bought a cook book just for the crock and not one recipe had really turned out, so I felt a little bit better. Yesterday I had a small victory! I did manage to make a kick booty chili yesterday. I was so proud, you'd have thought I went out and hunted the meat and grew the beans myself! Tomorrow, a pot roast! Will it turn out? I have no clue, but I am hoping. Feel free to send advice as I'd like to work out. Seth was bummed that the snow storm didn't pummel us. He actually went out to start our snow blower, just to be ready. He is like a little kid when it comes to snow. He and Isaiah get all giddy anytime the forecast calls for it. Me, I'd rather be in Hawaii. Aria is fully into playing dress up. For two days straight, she wanted to wear her astronaut uniform. She only has that and a tutu, so I am hoping for Christmas she'll get a couple more costumes. Isaiah has taught me more about killer whales than I could have imagined. Did you know a killer whale is actually a dolphin? He also had to find out the sad truth that whales and seals are not friends. He was devastated to kind out seals are their favorite snack. Then we had to explain that we are omnivores and we eat meat too. This was not a subject he cared to recognize. Every year around this time, I can't help but feel so grateful that we had our home weatherized. I remember the first year we lived here, since there was no insulation, you could feel a breeze in the house. Now, I feel snug as a bug in rug. There is so much more I have to say (imagine that!) but Aria is beckoning me. Please drive safely and I'll update soon! Ah nuts, I think we are coming down with colds, grrrr. Green tea and echinacea, here I come!!!

A new day

So the last few postings have been a bit down. I have been praying constantly to G-d little breath prayers (as that was all about that I could muster) to get me through. Thankfully He answered in ways that were tangible for me. When I get depressed it's so hard to do listening prayers. Patience has never really been something that I have excelled in, so when I am down, it really seems to be non-existent. Thankfully, our Lord created me and knows that full well. I have to give myself the grace that He gives to me, not to be anything but who He made me to be. I am also a person who thrives on relationships and communication. I'm kind of like a puppy, always eager to please and excited when attention is payed. Yet easily devastated if ignored, but quick to forgive! I have had so many people step in and give me the encouragement I really needed. If you were one of those people, I can't thank you enough! I had a dear friend of mine say a couple of weeks to me, if you don't reach out and put yourself out there for help, no one knows you need it. So, again pride seems to rear it's ugly head as I tried to not ask, as I am afraid I will look like a basket case. So I have been battling against the devil's evil whispers lately and remind myself they are just lies. G-d has sent out my loved ones in my life to remind me of this and I am SO grateful. I am learning the devil likes to put out these old lies and have them penetrate my soul when I thought I'd finally conquered them once and for all. I can't believe I so easily fall for it, it's so annoying! I guess it will be a life long battle that I am going to have to be conscious of. At my retreat they talked a lot about how the devil and negative thoughts really go hand in hand. It's easy to believe that he doesn't exist, as it seems less intimidating, when in reality, the devil is a real and he is still a jerk. Thankfully G-d is a million times more powerful and I have to rest in that. This morning I woke up to the chatter of my kids voices on the monitors. Both of them smothered me in hugs and eager anticipation of telling me their latest finds around the house. Aria has now taken to wearing her tutu over her clothes every day. She twirls around the house while singing any song that is on her mind. She calls my name a million times, awaiting my response of calling her name and then she leaps into my arms followed my a "mmm Mommy!" Lately her and I have been butting heads. She has entered into what I'd like to call the "trying two's." She desperately wants my attention and when I don't give it, she follows me around the house whining this ear deafening pitch (what little hearing I have, I'd like to keep!). All the while to be followed by a throw to the ground while whacking her head on the laminate floors. At first, I felt terrible. Now, I just walk away as she howls from her self inflicted pain. My instinct is still to want to check her out, but if I do, she just does it more. [I guess I just changed the font and I have no idea how to change it back, oh well] Needless to say, the whining is quite grating on the nerves and has at points brought me to points of insanity!! The funny thing is, she still craves any time with me. If I go upstairs for 5 minutes even, she'll run into my arms and call out to me as if I had been gone fore years. Little stinker. Reading has become a big passion for both of them. Today I picked out a book with more sentences in it to see how much she could read. She did really well, and even read the word trampoline! I still love dressing her, as she loves anything with rainbows and pink in it. She has even gone so far as to pick out her own clothes. Ahh, my little fashionista. Isaiah is still full speed ahead with whales, dolphins, and sharks. He rarely speaks of space and has said he wants to be a marine biologist (at least he's not trying to leave the planet anymore!). He spends most of his time trying to lure Aria under his covers to pretend that they are in the ocean swimming with whales. His imagination has grown exponentially! A year ago, he only engaged in factual play. Now I hear him making up songs, voices for animals, and all sorts of imaginary play. He loves to run around (something else he used to hardly do) and drag Aria with him as they giggle and play. Normally most of this is followed by some type of fighting, but I guess that is typical sibling interaction. Isaiah and Aria have taken a huge interest in the bible. Mainly Isaiah totes around his bible and when he has down time, I find him reading it followed by questions that are even hard for me to put in words. Today Isaiah asked me who the Holy Spirit is! So I explained in the best way I could, thankfully he was good with that. I almost think if he'd been living back in the day of Jesus, he'd have been following him to the Temple to question everyone. I love his thirst for knowledge, yet his heart to play with kids. Being a stay at home Mom has presented challenges I never knew existed, but at the the same time, it is so rewarding. The hardest part is when your kids see you have a bad day. We try to not hide our emotions to a point, as we want them to see that we have feelings too. Yet, you don't want to scare them so much that they feel unstable. There are so many areas of gray. Another funny thing is the reputation my kids have gotten for being so polite. When I sneeze, they both are eager to say "G-d bless you!" I say "thank you" only to hear them respond "your welcome!" without missing a beat. Sometimes when you live with the politeness police you'll also get busted for having your elbows on the table or not excusing yourself from the table, so Seth and I have had to really watch ourselves as those little eyes seem to be on the look out. Seth is still as wonderful as ever. The poor man has the memory of swiss cheese, but he means well. As always he is working hard and has to be about the best Dad I have ever seen. I still can't believe he chose me as his wife! Here I have gained weight and gotten grouchy and he still thinks I am a rose. What a sweetie! He has been after me to put up Aurora and Eli's stockings up at the mausoleum. It's always extra hard for me around the holidays to go out there. It's hard to believe time is still moving without them here. I just saw a clip with Elizabeth Edwards referring to death. She has been preparing her children for her death for a while and of course they had their eldest son die years ago. She said something to the effect of, don't be afraid to speak of those who passed on. Bringing up the person doesn't remind them that they are gone, as we already know that. Instead it reminds us that they lived. I loved that. She said it much better. For us, losing our children, it never goes away. They are always thought of a missed. Every time I hear of another family whose child is ill or has passed, it takes me right back. While the wound has now closed up, there is always a scar. If you lose your arm, you always miss it, but you learn to live without it. When we go to "visit the kids" we still sing to them, Seth is going to be playing his cello, and Aria and Isaiah always run to their spot and know exactly where we are. I am thankful that they love their two siblings they have never met. There isn't sadness, just joy that their brother and sister are in Heaven and one day they'll meet again. To have a child's heart again, boy, I miss the innocence. I don't know where I am going with all of this. My sensitive heart just needed a place to speak and I guess writing is where it is at. I have decided to try and blog several times a week if not more. It helps me stay grounded. Where David sang and wrote his Psalms, I have my blog. I would still greatly appreciate your prayers. Around the holidays, I tend to be more emotional. Ah heck, I guess I always am:) So for today, I feel a bit more level, which feels great. I am sure I must be speaking gobbly gook, but just bear with me. Tonight we are having a little Hanukkah party, just with our little family. The kids eat it up and have learned several songs. Isaiah has almost memorized the blessing in Hebrew. Then it is on to Christmas after that. I love having so many special days to celebrate. It makes the winter seem less, bleck (I am not a winter person) We have his gymnastics tomorrow one last time with his old class. I am praying his coach will be able to keep it together for one last time. Well, Aria is vying for my attention. Until I write again...

Update

I thought I'd update as to what happened with the coach for Isaiah's gymnastics. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, was I going to be to forward or turn into a sobbing mess? Thankfully G-d seemed to take hold as I calmly explained what I thought about the whole situation. I am a big believer in not bailing your child out for every little thing. I feel they need to learn how to problem solve, to a point. Without me saying a whole lot, she informed me his coach is 15 or 16! Not only that, but she is trying to coach 8-10 4 year old children. Basically she had heard of how this girl was handling Isaiah and wasn't happy about it either. I decided I didn't need to go into details and I want to keep communication open and not have this be about attacking, because let's face it, we all make mistakes. We are now going to try another night with an older coach who is more experienced and the class has only two other children. Hopefully this will be less stimulation for Isaiah, and help him focus more on the task at hand. So if you could pray that this would turn out as his doctor really emphasized the importance in him being involved in extracurricular activities, especially with exercise and controlling coordination. This is hugely important from the social, learning, and physical aspects for him, all rolled into one. Plus, Isaiah loves it! He gets so excited and actually this is where we taught him the days of the week so that he knew what day was gymnastics. He learned it in less than 5 minutes, talk about motivation! I am really hoping his new coach will have more compassion and still be authoritative enough to teach, as we don't believe in coddling. I felt a little bit of relief and happily called Seth. Only to find out that at Isaiah's ophthalmologist appt. that Isaiah needs new lenses and frames. Sigh. At first I was pretty upset, as glasses are pretty expensive. Especially for Isaiah, he has a high prescription, with a larger head and a tiny nose. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but trust me, finding frames has been a pain. The one's he has now he has actually done pretty well with, that is until a little play buddy punched him square in the glasses. Not to mention, lovely little sister likes to snatch them off his face and bend them back and forth. Why Isaiah let he do it? I'll never know. Now for the bright side of all this, his vision is improving dramatically. He really needs them to correct his lazy eye and they are going to weaken his prescription to make his eyes work a little less. I guess it's a technique. So that is promising, but it wasn't something I had anticipated dealing with. Please pray Seth would continue to get overtime. His boss has been kind of venting to him that they have the work, but their customers aren't paying. So if you could pray that they'd start paying. I know it sounds simplistic, but this really makes a huge difference in the payroll we so desperately depend on. As for me, I took a hit to my soul. I won't go into detail, but it really knocked me off my path and has sent me into a downward spiral. It's amazing how much words can really hurt. You know the old "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me?" Yeah, not true. I can handle physical pain, but it's the emotional that takes me down. Thankfully I have my G-d, who I know is there, even if I don't feel Him right now. I have lovely people in my life, especially my ever wonderful husband. Seth saw me yesterday, pretty much a puddle on the floor. He came and sat with me and just loved on me. He's so sweet. G-d really knew what He was doing when He paired us together. I just cried while he whispered reassuring words trying to rebuild my confidence. He also reminded me how therapeutic writing is for me. So, I have decided to not only not quit, but write more. Things are tough, but I am still going fix my eyes on the one who created me. I know there are so many other more important things to pray for, but if you could pray, it'd really help. In case you are going through some valleys yourself, here is a song I have been listening to that is big encouragement. Sometimes music has a way of touching me in way that I just can't explain. All your feedback has been so helpful, please continue:)



Copy and paste up in the http. area
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvHMjILrSJ0&feature=related

Argh!

Lately I have been wondering how much longer I should keep on blogging. Ever since the carepages, it has been my way of communicating and also venting. It's been kind of hard to keep up with it and sometimes I wonder if I am even that interesting anymore. With Elijah, there was so much to say, everything was critical and vital to relay. After he died, there was the grief to convey for my own sanity sake. Then, being pregnant with Isaiah and Aria, well there was so much happening. Now, I feel like just a boring ole housewife. Of course, there is my ever long struggle with my faith and finding my place in this world. With kids, there is always something to say, but you wonder if it is interesting to others. With Isaiah, he has come so far in the last year. We are mainstreaming him as much as possible, but it is overwhelming. Our state, just rejected passing a bill for insurances to have to help pay for therapy for kids on the Autistic spectrum. I can't explain to you how frustrating this is. Because my child isn't in a life threatening state, they won't help? What they don't realize is how detrimental it is for these kids to get their therapies, especially the earlier the better. By not giving them the therapy is literally the difference between them being mainstreamed and living a "normal" life or living at home with their parents or in a group home. I bet if there kids had it, they'd be doing everything they could. Parents are going bankrupt in giving their kids therapy. Seth has been working huge amounts of overtime so that we can pay our bills. It looks like it is slowing down. But since insurance barely pays anything (and they are revising it in January to do almost nothing!) we have had debt rack up, incredibly quickly. It's overwhelming. Isaiah has needed several visits in the last few weeks and is set up for a couple more before the end of the year. We are getting great feedback from his doctor, but it is important to keep up on his therapies. Without it, it sets us back. But now that our credit card is almost maxed out and Seth's work is slowing and now the bill not being passed, I am livid! I shouldn't have to choose between therapy and paying the bills! He deserves a great life too! I have applied for several jobs, but with Seth's nutsy hours, nothing has worked out. With Eli, we were blessed to have Children's Special Health Care, but since this is considered "Mental" (I hate that word!) he doesn't qualify. On top of that we have had him in gymnastics. Isaiah loves it, but his coach (who is a teenager) treats him like he is disgusting. Seth and I have stepped back, as we have been trying to observe and not over react. I just can't believe that they run a program like this and treat him so poorly in front of the other kids. We have even noticed Isaiah does more than what the other kids do, but it's just the transition of it all, that he gets stuck on. It breaks my heart. I have actually cried quite a bit over it, as he is just the sweetest little guy. It's been bad enough that some of his little play buddies conveniently dropped out of the picture when he got his diagnosis (he is still the same kid he was before the diagnosis, if not better!) but now a coach!! Someone we pay to trust and educate him! She huffs and puffs and snaps at him for every little thing. I've noticed some of the other parents have seen it too (without us saying anything) it just hurts. I know that kids will always have their struggles, but this is something that can be helped. Seth and I are constantly coaching him and he really responds! It makes me appreciate our family and friends who love him and us, just the way we are, that much more. I have no idea what to say to the manager as she called to discuss this. I have been praying for G-d to show me what to say. I am just feeling so overwhelmed. All the progress I have made in the past few months feels like it is slipping through my fingers. I feel like I have been fighting for so long, the kids passing away, finances, Isaiah's diagnosis and therapies, Aria has now hit a stage where she whines A LOT! I am just tired. Anyways, I just need to vent. Boy, I didn't even know I was going to write this! I know things could always be worse, Lord knows we have been there. I know G-d will make a way and this will all make me stronger. I just have to dust myself off and keep on trying. I am blessed for having a loving family and friends. I just have to keep on pushing on. Please pray for me as I am feeling like I am losing it! Things have got to get better, right?

The Simple Things

So here it is, the first family picture in ages. We have attempted this many times before, but our kids tend to get a severe case of the wiggles. So we went out on a limb and prayed for a Thanksgiving miracle and got it! I must say the look on my face is a bit mischievous, but Seth has assured me it looks good, but I think he might be pulling one over on me;) This past month has been such an eye opening one, but in a very good way. I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but when I am feeling down and out, I like to spend money. With all this black Friday stuff, I feel like Satan has been waving temptations in my face. I have been really trying hard to simplify our lives and just learn to be content with what we have. As a parent, I find myself constantly trying to encourage my kids to share and to be content with the things that they have. Yet, I find myself going out and buying things to make myself feel better. Sure, it's not something normally fancy. In fact it just might be something simple as a salty treat or whatever, but still it's quite hypocritical on my part. So here I am, hiding out from the black Friday shopapalooza, thinking about buying a new bedding set for only $100 (but not doing it!), or maybe a new sweater to hide my muffin top. The only thing we indulged in was a toaster over for $20 that Seth has been salivating over long since before we were married. So today we are having a family day after having a wonderful Thanksgiving. The kids got along great with their wonderful cousins and Seth and I got some much needed adult time. As I have begun to check my messages, I am finding so many others in such great need. A friend whose son has Leukemia and now the whole family has the stomach flu, another whose water bag was punctured during a much needed surgery and now their baby needs many prayers to stay in so she can finish out her pregnancy, another child who lost his battle to cancer yesterday. I have found these stories to encourage me not to take one moment for granted. All of the worldly things that I so easily get caught up in, really don't matter. I am glad I read their stories, as now the temptation isn't there, instead it shifts my focus to what really matters. Community, love, and time. Even us, who have learned these lessons first hand, still need reminders to help us focus on what is truly important. I experienced this first hand this morning as Seth let me sleep in. When I woke up, I was bombarded with hugs from my wonderful family. Aria kept on wrapping her arms around me and saying "Mmmmm, great hug!" Isaiah of course wanted to show me his latest find in his latest book. Seth was happily informing me of all that went on before I woke up. I was only separated from them few hours and they missed me so much. The cutest part of my day so far was watching Seth learn how to braid Aria's hair. I have been trying to teach Seth how to do her hair. My Dad used to do my hair, and I feel it is important that he learn something that can really be quite the bonding experience (I teach him domestic things, he teaches me how to do household construction, it's a fair trade). Plus, if I am not able to do it, then he can. Aria sat really still as we passed her back and forth while I showed him how to do it. It took a few tries and he'll need much more practice, but Seth did really well! I really admire him. Seth works so hard for our family, and really tries so hard in all that he does. I don't think he realizes the impact he is making on our children to see their father love on them so much. Instead of doing things he wants to do, he plays with the kids or listens to me talk about my latest passion. Every day we are reminded that Eli and Rory aren't here, but holidays really emphasize their absence. We became better spouses to each other and parents to our kids because of their lives. We have been through so much, and we have learned nothing is guaranteed. Every day is a miracle. Whether it be bad or good, it's another day with our loved ones. It's really the simple things in life that really bring you joy, a sunny day, your kids getting along, or watching your husband braid your daughter's hair for the first time. My kids are healthy and I don't take that for granted. So I encourage you after all that you do, to sit down, let go of your worries, give G-d thanks, pray for others, and just be in the moment. I imagine Aurora and Elijah are singing, playing, eating, dancing in Heaven. I don't think they are worried how they look or that they don't have the right clothes, they are just enjoying G-d's grace. We don't have to be in Heaven to enjoy this ourselves. Instead, we can bring Heaven to Earth and just appreciate what we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

For the Glory of the Lord

So much has happened in the past 30 days. I ended up going on my Pursuit of Wholeness Woman's retreat. I went with the hope of rejuvenating my faith in the Lord, but at least figured I'd get a much needed rest. I came away with much more than that, Praise the Lord!! I came away with a deep thirst and hunger to seek out the Lord, made wonderful friends, and also got a much needed rest. It was surreal how time disappeared while we were there. It almost felt like you were somewhere between heaven and earth. I learned a lot about how I view G-d, others, and myself. I have come away less fearful, anxious, anger, bitter, jealous, and list goes on. Instead I now feel hope, faith, love, excitement, joy, and that list goes on. I am learning to let go of the painful "whys" and instead am looking to "what good is going to come from this!" It doesn't make all the pain and hurt of the past, present, or future go away. Instead it makes it feel more valid. Pain happens to help mold us. You can either sit in it and ask "why me?" or say "this stinks, but I know He is faithful." I am not saying my kids dying was the way I wanted things to go, or that I wouldn't change it in a heart beat, but it is what is. I want to show others that their lives meant something, that G-d doesn't make mistakes. We don't forget what has happened, we learn from it. I have learned to not take one day for granted. I have learned to love others with my whole heart (it is better to love and lost than never to have loved at all). I learned that I was putting my kids and my husband before G-d. I can't do that. I figured if I hang on to them tight enough, G-d won't take them away. That isn't true, and it doesn't make them happy. I found it was suffocating them, they couldn't fully live because Mommy or Kelly might be upset. I admit I have back slid, but now I allow myself the grace to forgive myself. It's funny, I have been living in a house for 4 1/2 years and all but one room is white. We painted the nursery when Isaiah was born, but other than that I have been afraid of painting in case I make a mistake. What if the colors look bad or go out of style? How silly is that? I didn't want to invite my friends over because my house wasn't as nice as theirs. How ridiculous is that. The list goes on and I look back and think, how much time have I wasted for fear of taking a risk. So what if the colors look bad, I can repaint them. So what if my house isn't like theirs, if they didn't like me because of that then they aren't my friend in the first place (besides none of them would care anyway). The so what's are all coming out. I love it because I am getting a taste of freedom and I like it. Life is full of change, no matter how much you try to control it, bad things are going to happen, things are going to hurt. But if you are always worried about what is around the corner and what if, what about all the great things that you are missing while worrying or obsessing about? I am praying that G-d will show me how to embrace how real I am. I have been through a lot and that is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I am a survivor. I now know how to enter into other peoples pain. I don't hide from it, because it isn't fair to let others suffer alone. It isn't just about me, it's about everyone and they need that. I remember when Eli was up at the hospital and after he died, the greatest support I had were those that wrapped their arms around us, cried with us, prayed with us, and just let us say what it was that we needed to say. They didn't try to "fix" things, because they couldn't. They just loved on us. I had a special friend do that for me last night and it really helped. I want to do that for others as well. I have hidden myself for so long because of my pain, but as it says in the bible, there is a time for everything. I will always miss my kids, that will never change. I will have good days and bad days, but I am clinging to the hope that I am releasing the spirit of fear that has so paralyzed me for so long. I am learning to be real, but with love. I have been in a season of mourning and grief (I think that part will always be there) and now it is time for me to learn to dance, to live life in color, to take risks whatever they may bring. I no longer want to live in the shadows of fear, anxiety, self condemnation, and depression. One of the many great things this retreat experience has showed me was how much I long for community. I feel alive when I am with people, especially those who love me for who I am. Seth and I tend to be homebodies, so this is quite an adjustment. I am excited to see what the future brings. I feel like G-d is moving in a big way, all I know is this is all for His Glory. I am no longer the same, I am a new creation in Christ.


I also would like to ask something of you, would you please pray for a family that their 18 month old (Isaac)was just diagnosed with Leukemia last night. They have a 3 year old and a new born that was just born last month. They have a long road ahead of them. Please pray he'd be healed. That his Mom and Dad would have great endurance and energy, that the enemy would have no foot hold on this family. I remember with Eli, you get so drained so quickly and we didn't even have any other living children at that point. If you'd like more info or how to help, let me know. As we said for Eli, watch, pray, believe, and be amazed. Blessings be with you all.

Lost and looking to be found

So, I just wrote half of my post and then my stinkin' computer just erased it!! Blast! Nothing like pouring your heart out and then having your words disappear into oblivion. Oh well. Lately I have been doing most of my posts on the family, but today, I'll write about my struggle. Every day brings it's new challenges. Whether it be lack of sleep, the kids not listening, a bill you thought you had payed coming back, etc... What I have been struggling with, has been a life long thing. My relationship with G-d and my faith. I know that He exists, but there are things I desperately want answered. Sometimes I feel like a child that can not be appeased. With every answer that I get answered, is normally followed with another "why?" My life long question is, will I get into Heaven? Even as a young child I remember worrying about this. In Sunday school all the kids would boast with pride "I am going to Heaven!" I would ask them how they knew that and most of the responses would be "because I said so and if I believe it, then I will." Me being the cynical child that I was thought "but isn't that up to G-d? How can I be the one to judge?" This truly tormented me, it still does. As I went through life, I chose to believe, but not in a firm way. Instead more in a, just believe it or else it'll drive me crazy. Then we had Aurora and Elijah. They changed my perspective in realizing how important faith really is. Without my belief in G-d, I wouldn't made it through. In all my sorrow, anguish, and grief, I clung to Him because I realized nothing really mattered in life, but Him. No amount of money, no amount of knowledge, no amount of anything could bring my children back. He gives and He takes away. All my life, I thought I was in control, but in reality, it couldn't have been further from the truth. I am finally going on my first woman's retreat. It's called the Pursuit of Wholeness. I have been wanting to go for some time now, but always found a reason not to go. Lately Isaiah has been bombarding me with questions and he really takes to heart every answer that I give him. Seth and I believe in telling him the truth about everything. We don't dummy things down, we just say it like it is in the most descriptive manner possible. He like me, is a very literal child. We have already approached the subject of death. Unlike most kids, who really aren't faced with an immediate family members death, we do. I have had great families who years ago had a child die and how they dealt with it with their other children. They all said to be honest, to let them know how loved and missed the deceased child is. Also to let the other children love them as well. Believe it or not, they were right. Isaiah is very aware and protective of Rory and Eli. We have had to explain why we go to the Mausoleum and why the kids pictures never change. I now understand the scripture of "...faith like a child.." I sometimes envy the innocence and the trusting natures of little ones. So I am praying that this weekend that I will be "found" in a way that I haven't been. I feel it is very necessary to know what I believe as that will be the foundation in what my childrens faith will be built upon. I desperately want to be one of those women who is so passionate for the Lord that it is obvious just by looking. I often think about the parable of the seeds that are planted in all the different types of soil. Which one would G-d say that I am? I find myself so eager to please all those around me, when in reality I should be focused on pleasing G-d. He is only one who can truly give me what I need. I try and remind myself that life is full of plains, mountains, valleys, rivers, streams, oceans, storms, and even calmness. If I was always on top of the mountain, I suppose I wouldn't grow. I have a feeling this weekend will be a turning point in my life. I try and not think about all of Isaiah's Universe movies in how vast the universe really is, or else I start to doubt, how could G-d really be interested in us when we are but a speck of dust. I have never been an abstract thinker. I don't like looking at paintings of dots or strokes of paint showing the struggle between humanity and machine. Instead, I like looking at paintings of flowers, houses, anything I can identify. Sometimes G-d seems so abstract, where I wish I could understand Him in a more simplistic view. Oh Lord, can't you just knock on my door or send me and email???

The Escape Artist

I have quite the story to start out with, as I think this will make you laugh. We are starting to realize the difference between our two children. Isaiah, when he was Aria's age, was easily contained. He'd abide by our boundaries, while giving his opinion of what he thought. Aria, on the other hand, thinks that boundaries are meant to be broken, while being sly as she knows she doesn't want to get caught. We have now entered a phase of life that we never encountered with Isaiah, it is called, "the crib break out." Now, many of you who are parents, already know this story well. As for Seth and I, we have had no experience in this field. On Sunday night, we were winding down for the night. Seth was closing up the house, while I had gone up stairs to get ready for bed. Aria, being the little hoodlum that she is, was not falling asleep, so Seth finally put her in her crib and left to finish his tasks. I finally had crawled into bed, as it was quite late, and listened to Aria chatter in her room. I then turned my attention to the TV, as I wanted to relax, when Seth walks into the room and says "are you missing something?" I looked around the room, wondering what in the world had I forgotten. Then Seth turns around and picks up Aria, who is still, chattering away (she reminds me of those monkeys that chatter all the time). I was quite confused, as I wondered why he had gotten her out of the crib. Seth went on to explain that he was in the basement and came up the stairs and into the kitchen to see Aria finishing coming down the steps leading from the top floor. He said she looked quite satisfied with herself, and was wondering where I was (I don't let the kids go down the top floor steps by themselves as they are quite steep) and why I wasn't "laying down the law." Still a little baffled, I am wondering what happened (don't judge me, it was late at night and my brain had shut off early!) and how she got down the stairs, when it occurred to me, "She got out of the crib?" (yes I am pretty bright, er sometimes) By now, Aria had climbed into our bed and made herself cozy next to me, and seemed quite elated that she wasn't having to go to bed. I started to laugh, half because it was funny and half because now we had to be nervous. Mind you, Isaiah NEVER tried to get out of the crib. While we are having a good laugh, Seth went into her room and rigged the crib to go even lower than set for as he is my MacGuyver. He came out a while later and swept Aria into his arms to place her back into the crib. He came back to bed a few moments later and proceeded to make himself comfortable, when you know who shows up, yep Aria. We both just stared at each other and tried not to laugh, as we didn't want her to think it was funny. Seth several times more quietly picks her up and sets her in the crib and walks out (we saw this on Nanny 911 years ago) but each time our little pop tart would climb out and try to get back to me. One time, she startled me so much, Seth said, I'd looked like I had seen a ghost. Now we are in full state of confusion of, what are we in for. Thankfully, we have an Angel care monitor, which for young babies, alerts parents that their child isn't breathing. An added benefit is when they turn into toddlers, it alerts you that they got out of the crib! So we turned on the monitor when it alerted us that she'd gotten out, and off course she is playing in her room by the window. Finally Seth placed her in for the last time, when she realized that we were on to her. She wailed like a criminal that had been caught and was being sent to prison for the rest of her life. After what seemed like forever, she finally fell asleep. I was trying to figure out if this meant nap times would no longer be happening, and yes a bit of panic was setting in. So yesterday, nap time came quickly. I had dreaded it, as I didn't know what to expect. I placed her into her crib and turned on the monitor, went downstairs and waited. Sure enough with in a few minutes, she busted out, and the monitor alerted me with a blaring noise. I swept into the room without a word and picked her up and set her in the crib. She looked at me with bewilderment in her eyes. Almost as if she was thinking "How on earth did you know I had gotten out? You must have eyes all around??" She didn't try it after that and quickly fell asleep while protesting in sobs. So now it looks like it is time to break out the toddler bed (sigh, sniff sniff). That means I no longer have and "babies" in my house, just toddlers. I miss the tiny little diapers, picking them up without grunting because the weigh all of 10 pounds, their little faces full of wonder for any little thing. Yet it's pretty great that now they tell us when they want something or talk in their little chipmunk voices, mimicking every thing we do. Last night, we had our family friend over watching the kids. When she was ready to go, I told Aria to say "thank you Taylor." I just expected her to say thank you when Aria says in her tiny voice. "Bank ooh Tayyor, see you soon!" and then proceeds to blow her a kiss. Both Seth and I about melted into a puddle she was so cute! Isaiah walks up to me and says "Mom and Dad, I missed you sooooooooooo much! Where did you go?" I was shocked as Isaiah rarely seems to miss us, since he loves interacting with people. I proceeded to tell him what we did, and he seemed satisfied that he didn't miss anything, Seth and I just smiled at each other. With all the chaos with kids, you can easily feel over whelmed, but when it gets down to it, it is so worth it. We wouldn't trade a moment for anything. Now, I just have to figure out how to keep Aria in her bed, any suggestions? If it is to confusing to leave a message on the blog, go ahead and leave one on my facebook page. I need all the help I can get!! Hope you found this entertaining!

Falling for change

So another month has passed, and I being the bad blogger that I am, haven't been posting. Several times I had started to write, but then got distracted by something and never completed what I set out to do. So I will give you a review of the past month and play a little catch up. Seth and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We quietly celebrated the day a day later and were able to go out to dinner (the way to my heart is through my stomach!) without the kids and just enjoy a stroll down memory lane. We really would have liked to go up to Traverse City, but weren't able to this year (BOOO!!!) Hopefully we'll go later in the year, as we find the view so spectacularly calming . Isaiah started his 2nd year at pre-school for 4 year olds. He is doing exceptionally well and has grown leaps and bounds in all aspects of his young life. He really blows me away. He is quite the comic and says such funny things when you least expect it. He loves telling this one particular joke that goes, "what is green and wiggles in your soup? Elvis Parsley!" Only sometimes he says, "I want to tell you a joke." The person will say, "OK." Then Isaiah says. "Elvis Parsley!" and then rolls on the floor with the most contagious laughter you have ever heard. The person will stand there bewildered, and then I have to explain to Isaiah that he gave the answer and not the question. His brain is quite the sponge, he sops up info and seems to put it into action immediately. He still loves space, but now has ventured on to the interests of aquatic creatures, volcanoes, and my favorite, tornadoes (note my sarcasm). We are so pleased to see this, as he is venturing away from space and exploring new things, a great sign for things to come. He definitely is going to be a scientist of some sort as he has a thirst for knowledge. He also is in love with gymnastics. We thought it would be a great place for him to learn how to follow instructions, transitions, exercise, and socialize all at once. He is doing superbly! He makes friends every where he goes and loves to socialize. A year ago, I was without hope and totally consumed by fear of how we were going to deal with him and now he is better than I could have dreamed! Early intervention has been key and by the grace of G-d, he is improving each moment. Speaking of growth, Seth went on a all male church retreat in the UP focusing on the Wild at Heart book. It was quite tumultuous for me, as we have only been separated a couple of times and it really played on my anxiety. We've been through a lot, and we know that you can never take one day for granted. It's hard as you can tend to look on the side of worry, more than enjoyment. We were told they wouldn't be able to call, as there is no cell phone reception up there. I was so worried, as I wasn't able to know if they had arrived safely or not. Here we have hardly been apart and then I can't even call?! Argh! Needless to say, I felt like a shell of a woman. I was able to do the basics with the kids, but I couldn't help but obsess if he was okay. I prayed and prayed for a miracle, but felt nothing. The next day I was barely could focus when the phone rang. It was Seth! I felt the light of Heaven open up on me as I heard his voice. I sobbed. I know this all seems very dramatic, but if you know how close we are, you'd understand. It takes a lot for me to cry, my first instinct is to get angry, not sad, when difficult things happen. It really was a G-d thing that he was able to get reception up there, there was no other explanation. I then got to have my sister in law and dear friend who is like a sister, keep me company. It really was a growth experience for me and I am grateful (not to say I'd be eager to do it again). Seth had a wonderful time and came back an even better man, if that was possible. I couldn't stop hugging him. Well, enough of the gushy mushy stuff. Aria has fully embraced being 2. She is all about breaking boundaries, screeching, and yes, throwing herself on the floor for every little thing. She loves to sing anything and everything, especially the lead song to Veggietales. She seems to be a girly girl, who loves shoes, hats, jewelry, purses, and pretending to be a mom. She also has a tom boy side. Today, Isaiah was telling her off about how rude it is to take things from other people when, I kid you not, she clothes-lined him. She took him down and tried to even bite him! I could not believe what I was seeing. She ended up having 1/2 hour in time out, until she calmed down. She also loves digging in thedirt and doing anything that gets her adrenaline pumping(a girl after he Daddy's heart) Today I was getting Isaiah on the bus while she was playing in the back yard (it's fenced in) when low and behold what do I find? Aria sitting in the compost pile. Thankfully there wasn't anything rotting in there, but still, ewwwwwwwwwww. All in a days work I suppose. Sometimes I imagine G-d saying, "Hmmm, how's this going to challenge Kelly today??" Gotta say, I am doing much better. Elijah's birthday was on last Thursday. He would have been 6. I was able to spend the night amongst dear friends who shared my pain while preparing for the "Walk to Remember." I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend the night, except for if he was still here. I didn't have to pretend how I was feeling, I just got to be how I felt. It was so comforting to just be in the moment. Seth had planned on going out to the Mausoleum to play is cello for them. Graceland echos so wonderfully, that I just thought it was perfectly fitting. He still hasn't been able to go as he is trying to practice to make it just right. We ended up watching his movies and the kids were memorized. They really embrace things in such a beautiful way, that it makes it easy. Now I understand when people say "with a child's heart." It was so nice to see Eli and hear how silly we were with him. I could almost smell his vanilla cookie smell. It hurt to watch, but in a good way. I have been avoiding it, as sometimes it's almost to painful to bear. I'm glad the kids love to watch him as it really connects us all together and it became a joyful thing, just what I had hoped for. The Walk turned out wonderfully. Sadly, every year it gets bigger. But in a good way, it's opening up room for people to safely be able to talk about their losses and be supported. It was an honor to be able to speak on the panel this year and quite healing for us, to help others in the only way we know how. We also got to have a heart to heart talk with a couple in our lives that mean so much to us. We ended up having an awesome experience of healing. All in all, the month of September has brought huge changes in our lives. I can't explain it, but it's for the better. I pray October will be a month of great peace as I will be going on my first women's retreat. I am ecstatic to see what G-d is going to bring out, as that is what each day is about, living for Him. While I am human and make mistakes every moment, I can't help but see the beauty in it. Without mistakes, without change, without stepping beyond yourself,you can't grow. We need to grow in order to come into G-d's fullness. Each day I learn something new, sometimes it's painful and sometimes it's exciting, but it's all good. It's all good....

Aria's Birthday Party Pictures

We had cookies instead of cake for her birthday. Luckily the candle set nicely!


Aria picked out her dress for her special day. It's hard to get a picture now that she runs around so much.
Our baby girl's hair is getting so long!
I have been experimenting with french braiding her fine hair. I decided to do it half way so we could show her long hair off.
Daddy coming come from work to give his two year old a hug!


Isaiah with Bubbe, so full of excitement!
GG joined in on the fun as well. Still a party animal at the age of 93!
Getting every detail just right for our little tea time!
Cookies, carrot sticks, finger sandwiches all accompanied with Blueberry tea!
Here is the cookie platter. The kids were thrilled!
Here is Aria, enjoying her favorite, carrot sticks! She also played with her tea set while we had our little party.

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Grammy and Isaiah enjoying the tea with pinkies up!
Isaiah is contemplating which cookie to eat with Grandpa.
Seth hamming it up with GG. He's always a great sport!
Present time!


Aria ended the festivities in her original birthday suit and a tutu with lady bug wings. Bubbe is enjoying Aria's gift, a doll. It was a simple party, but so much fun. We were all tired and had so much fun that we think we'll do it again next year!

Aria turned 2!

I think I might be able to type for a little bit, so let's give it a try. Aria had her birthday on the 19th and turned the big 2. For any of you who are parents, you know that each birthday ends up being a reflection on the years past. As I look at my 2 year old, who now resembles more a of a little girl than a baby, I can't help but think about how far we've come. I remember talking to Seth about having another child. It's hard being in our situation, as we are not asked when we are going to have another child. I can't count how many times I have heard people ask couples "when are you going to have another one?" So full of joy and excitement. That doesn't happen with us. Sometimes I wish we had never told anyone about my genetic syndrome. It makes me feel like damaged goods, worse, that Aurora and Elijah were as well. Sometimes with the improvement of science becomes a greater need to create the perfect "normal." Some might say, they can't handle watching us be sad again, or that they worry. I understand what they are saying, but every day that we get in a car, we are running a risk. Everything we do is a risk. If we don't take risks, we never know what it feels like to truly succeed. Isn't a reward for something that you worked for so much better than something that was just given? Well, with that, Seth and I have had to rely on G-d instead of peoples input. We prayed and prayed, and G-d answered clearly. I have never been a big believer of people who say "G-d told me to ..." I find myself thinking, yeah it was G-d that told you, hmmm. But after diligently praying, He answered. Seth and I both had a vision of a little girl with dark hair. All of our kids have been blond, so this was quite a stretch. We prayed some more, just to be sure. He never changed His mind, G-d kept true to his promise. So 2 years before out came Aria with dark brown hair. Seth and I stared in shock and awe. The only thing we could think was "we weren't crazy!" Aria was a dream come true. She was easy going, full of smiles, and everything you could want in a baby girl. From day one, I put bows in her hair. Every day I do her hair in as many different ways as I can imagine, without her looking silly. She actually loves her toes to be painted and holds real still. Any time I do my makeup, she sits with me and copies me (except for the time she took a bite out of my lipstick) and looking on with sheer excitement. She loves playing dolls and is holding true to her name Aria, our child of music that Blossom's more and more each day.






At the same time, she has her Mama's spunk and stubbornness. If you get in her way, she will take you out! My sweet little baby girl has now turned into a kung foo kicking, banshee screaming, arms and legs flailing, two year old. I have found if you look at her the wrong way, she will sob and swing her arms violently while I stand there is sheer confusion of "what just happened?" We have started time outs and Lord Almighty, Heaven and Earth can hear the screams of her scolding us in her baby babble of how unfair the world is. But then the next minute she has her arms and legs wrapped tightly around my body while saying "mmmmmmm" in my ear. I told Seth that if this is even a teeny bit of what it is going to be like when she is a teenager, I am afraid! Well, my sweet baby is just vocalizing her opinion, just like her mama, can't fault her for that. On her birthday we had a small tea party with my parents and great grand parents. My parents brought over some fancy tea settings while we served blueberry tea and had cookies on my Grandma Bar's tea set platter. I made little finger sandwiches consisting of tuna salad and our favorite, olive nut. We all wore silly party hats and it was low key and lovely. I was going to post pictures, but our computer has had some issues, but I'll get them on when I can. I can't help but look at Aria and wonder what Aurora would have been like. Would they look and act similar or would they be polar opposites? I don't know what it is out your kids growing out of that baby stage that makes you get bitten by the baby bug. Seth and I have been discussing having another, whether it really is an option or not. What is it about summer that brings out that feeling. Being that we belong to such a large church, you can't help but smile at the Moms snuggling their newborns in their slings. Seth and I nudge each other and smile, only to see Aria throw herself on the ground, flopping like a fish out of water, because she wanted to go left not right. Hmmm, maybe we need to think about this some more (tee hee!) Aria has now left the baby section of clothing, she is no longer considered a baby, but instead a toddler. So long 24 months matchy cutsie clothing, and hello 2T, teeny bopper wannabee clothes (can you hear me sighing?) I must say it's been pretty awesome see her going from learning to talk to singing, scooting to running, building to now nurturing her dolls. Soon we will be playing Barbies and House, but each day will be a new day of girly excitement. Is this the little girl I carried? Is this the little girl at play? I don't remember growing older, when did she?

Stay tuned

Hey all! So sorry I haven't posted. I have so much to tell you about Aria's birthday and so on. Unfortunately, I have messed up my neck and back something awful and can't type very well. I have another doctor's appt. tomorrow to see what the next step is. As soon as I can type better, I will fill you in. I have so much to say and my finger won't cooperate, grrrrr!

Fun day

Lately I have been praying to G-d to help me with my parenting skills. I have never seemed to be blessed with patience, which as you know, you need to have with children. With all of the stress going on, it is easy not put the kids aside and tackle whatever thing needs to be attended to. Knowing that Aria's birthday is only a couple of days away, I have found myself reflecting on how quickly the baby stage has passed. When I hold her, she is actually half the size of me, maybe even a little longer. Sniff, sniff. I don't know how many more children G-d will bless us with, so of course you find yourself trying to hang on to each moment and memorize it. It won't be long before they don't want to hang out with Mommy and Daddy. We may even end up being called (dare I say it) Mother and Father (Lord, NO!!) So while I easily get frustrated that they aren't listening or acting like little adults (because we all know a 2 and 4 year old have that ability, NOT! ) I have to remind myself to just let them be kids. That time goes by so quickly and they need to have the freedom to make messes, eat dirt, let dogs lick them in the face (my stomach is churning), and even take leaps off the couch or picnic table to see if they can fly. I have been doing my own therapy of trying to let them go a little more each day. I think I will always be more protective than most, but I needed to loosen the strings and let G-d protect them. I guess I am always so afraid they are going to die (something us parents who have lost kids always seem to carry) that I almost suffocate the fun out of them. So today I loaded them up and started a movie to which Isaiah and Aria sang/screamed the song to Veggietales as we drove along. I almost never go downtown by myself as I still get lost easily. I actually got stuck going round and round in a turn about and ended laughing as the kids yelled "weeeee go faster Mom!" As we pulled up to the Farmer's Market I said a prayer to G-d, to ask Him to see this from a kids perspective. So we stopped at each new veggie or fruit and talked about it. Isaiah seemed fascinated with the purple tomatoes and even was offered one by someone who had very dirty hands. Guess what? I let him eat it and I ate one! I know I am so wild and crazy! But it was a huge step for me. Aria happily watched all the people go by while occasionally trying to grab a piece of produce when I wasn't looking . The weather was perfectly cool with a hint of a breeze as the sun beat down on us. I felt, calm. Something I haven't felt in a while. I even got several compliments from the vendors saying that they hadn't seen kids their age so well behaved in a while. I gently rubbed Isaiah's head and felt all glowy inside. After walking up and down the market and talking about all the "fun foods" we decided to visit Seth unexpectedly at work. Both kids squealed in delight as I asked them if they wanted to go. Of course Seth was shocked that we showed up and was so excited. Isaiah begged Seth right away "Daddy take me to go see the robots!" He jumped up and down with an anticipation and elation that of someone who just won a million dollars. Aria reached out her arms pleading to Seth to come and carry her. Both kids kept on hugging us and just seemed so happy. I couldn't get over the simplicity of the situation, yet their joy was overflowing. I thought to myself, how many times have we done this and I never truly let myself be in the moment. Instead it's race here, get that done quickly, it wasn't good enough, it didn't go the way I planned. What a waste! Now I see what they mean about just slowing down. Sometimes we are so busy that we are thinking about the next moment before finishing the one we are at. They didn't want any fancy toys, they didn't care that we weren't at the park, they just loved seeing something different and being with Mom and Dad. So we went in a watched to robots move. Isaiah stared in a amazement while Aria clung to Daddy like the little Monkette that she is. We got to see his bosses dog, who yep, you guessed it, licked Isaiah on the mouth. I about threw up. I so badly wanted to reach for the hand sanitizer, but instead let him giggle in delight. Score two for Kelly (not that I plan on allowing this to happen frequently) So after visiting Seth, we came home and they got to play in the yard with chalk. I watched them as they happily chattered with one another. They seem so close. I have been so blessed to have kids that rarely ever pick on each other and seem to enjoy each others company. Lately I have been finding Isaiah reading to Aria and teaching her things as she repeats them back. Last night Seth and I were lying in bed. Seth says "I feel so bad, our 10 year anniversary is coming up, and we can't even really do anything." Normally I am not a person that really cares about anniversary's but there is something to be said about being married for 10 years after having 2 children pass away, especially when the geneticist walks in and says the divorce rate for one child passing away is 75% . We have had our apartment burn down within 5 months of being married, Seth's job burning down and trying to rebuild it. Our son being diagnosed on the Autistic spectrum, and the list goes on. I always joke, they could make a soap opera out of the events that have happened to us. We had originally planned to go up to Traverse City a year ago, but it really can't happen. As we both sighed I told him, "it doesn't matter what we do or where we go, whether you win a million dollars or are homeless on the street, I just want to be with you and the kids. As long as we are together, that's all that really matters." I really mean that. G-d has been really showing me how to stop and really appreciate what we so longed for as Aurora and Elijah passed away. I promised Aurora, Eli, and myself that I would only chase and hang on to what truly matters. I need to live for them, the way they never got a chance to do. In my old Kelly self, I don't and won't go down with out a fight. I haven't forgotten kids, Mommy is still hanging on. Thanks be to G-d, for He is amazing.