Fun day

Lately I have been praying to G-d to help me with my parenting skills. I have never seemed to be blessed with patience, which as you know, you need to have with children. With all of the stress going on, it is easy not put the kids aside and tackle whatever thing needs to be attended to. Knowing that Aria's birthday is only a couple of days away, I have found myself reflecting on how quickly the baby stage has passed. When I hold her, she is actually half the size of me, maybe even a little longer. Sniff, sniff. I don't know how many more children G-d will bless us with, so of course you find yourself trying to hang on to each moment and memorize it. It won't be long before they don't want to hang out with Mommy and Daddy. We may even end up being called (dare I say it) Mother and Father (Lord, NO!!) So while I easily get frustrated that they aren't listening or acting like little adults (because we all know a 2 and 4 year old have that ability, NOT! ) I have to remind myself to just let them be kids. That time goes by so quickly and they need to have the freedom to make messes, eat dirt, let dogs lick them in the face (my stomach is churning), and even take leaps off the couch or picnic table to see if they can fly. I have been doing my own therapy of trying to let them go a little more each day. I think I will always be more protective than most, but I needed to loosen the strings and let G-d protect them. I guess I am always so afraid they are going to die (something us parents who have lost kids always seem to carry) that I almost suffocate the fun out of them. So today I loaded them up and started a movie to which Isaiah and Aria sang/screamed the song to Veggietales as we drove along. I almost never go downtown by myself as I still get lost easily. I actually got stuck going round and round in a turn about and ended laughing as the kids yelled "weeeee go faster Mom!" As we pulled up to the Farmer's Market I said a prayer to G-d, to ask Him to see this from a kids perspective. So we stopped at each new veggie or fruit and talked about it. Isaiah seemed fascinated with the purple tomatoes and even was offered one by someone who had very dirty hands. Guess what? I let him eat it and I ate one! I know I am so wild and crazy! But it was a huge step for me. Aria happily watched all the people go by while occasionally trying to grab a piece of produce when I wasn't looking . The weather was perfectly cool with a hint of a breeze as the sun beat down on us. I felt, calm. Something I haven't felt in a while. I even got several compliments from the vendors saying that they hadn't seen kids their age so well behaved in a while. I gently rubbed Isaiah's head and felt all glowy inside. After walking up and down the market and talking about all the "fun foods" we decided to visit Seth unexpectedly at work. Both kids squealed in delight as I asked them if they wanted to go. Of course Seth was shocked that we showed up and was so excited. Isaiah begged Seth right away "Daddy take me to go see the robots!" He jumped up and down with an anticipation and elation that of someone who just won a million dollars. Aria reached out her arms pleading to Seth to come and carry her. Both kids kept on hugging us and just seemed so happy. I couldn't get over the simplicity of the situation, yet their joy was overflowing. I thought to myself, how many times have we done this and I never truly let myself be in the moment. Instead it's race here, get that done quickly, it wasn't good enough, it didn't go the way I planned. What a waste! Now I see what they mean about just slowing down. Sometimes we are so busy that we are thinking about the next moment before finishing the one we are at. They didn't want any fancy toys, they didn't care that we weren't at the park, they just loved seeing something different and being with Mom and Dad. So we went in a watched to robots move. Isaiah stared in a amazement while Aria clung to Daddy like the little Monkette that she is. We got to see his bosses dog, who yep, you guessed it, licked Isaiah on the mouth. I about threw up. I so badly wanted to reach for the hand sanitizer, but instead let him giggle in delight. Score two for Kelly (not that I plan on allowing this to happen frequently) So after visiting Seth, we came home and they got to play in the yard with chalk. I watched them as they happily chattered with one another. They seem so close. I have been so blessed to have kids that rarely ever pick on each other and seem to enjoy each others company. Lately I have been finding Isaiah reading to Aria and teaching her things as she repeats them back. Last night Seth and I were lying in bed. Seth says "I feel so bad, our 10 year anniversary is coming up, and we can't even really do anything." Normally I am not a person that really cares about anniversary's but there is something to be said about being married for 10 years after having 2 children pass away, especially when the geneticist walks in and says the divorce rate for one child passing away is 75% . We have had our apartment burn down within 5 months of being married, Seth's job burning down and trying to rebuild it. Our son being diagnosed on the Autistic spectrum, and the list goes on. I always joke, they could make a soap opera out of the events that have happened to us. We had originally planned to go up to Traverse City a year ago, but it really can't happen. As we both sighed I told him, "it doesn't matter what we do or where we go, whether you win a million dollars or are homeless on the street, I just want to be with you and the kids. As long as we are together, that's all that really matters." I really mean that. G-d has been really showing me how to stop and really appreciate what we so longed for as Aurora and Elijah passed away. I promised Aurora, Eli, and myself that I would only chase and hang on to what truly matters. I need to live for them, the way they never got a chance to do. In my old Kelly self, I don't and won't go down with out a fight. I haven't forgotten kids, Mommy is still hanging on. Thanks be to G-d, for He is amazing.