Moment by Moment

Seth was able to take a vacation day yesterday. We dedicated it to the kids and tried to get them out and about. First, we went to the Blanchford Nature Center. It was pretty humid and there wasn't as many stroller accessible trails as we had hoped. Isaiah almost ran off the side of a very high and steep drop (he doesn't have depth perception and I am almost sure he doesn't have peripheral vision) and I about had a heart attack. After that, we decided it may be time to go. They did like seeing the turtles, frogs, and wild birds, so it wasn't a total loss. They also had a bobcat, but all we saw was it's tush, so I don't know that the kids believed us. We then went to a school play ground. It was in a nice area, so we were pretty surprised to see broken glass and explicit profanity on the equipment. As soon as we started to realize that Isaiah was noticing, we thought it was time to go. We did some more things as a family, but the day went to fast. I love having Seth at home. I never would have imagined that after almost 11 years of being together that we would still be so close. He is truly my best friend. He just has such a gentle and loving spirit that seems to melt away most of my anxieties. He is the most amazingly patient dad. He seems to love my protective nature, so it all balances out. As I have said previously, we have many decisions to be made. Seth has been working at his job for 11 years. He loves his job, but has reached as high as he can get. The machining industry is so iffy, you just don't know what the next week will bring. Our home is 110 years old and has lost a lot of it's value due to the economy. We have been advised by our financial mentor, to walk away. It needs so much work, and instead of raises at his job, we have had to take major paycuts and insurance hikes, as the business has been hanging on by a thread for a while now. We love our home, and feel obligated not to abandon our responsibility, yet at the same time, we are struggling so hard. We have spoken to several people with financial integrity, that have assured us, we have done nothing wrong. The economy has done us in. I have found myself crying a lot as I am so worried about what the future will bring. As we are approaching our 10 year anniversary we have had our apartment burn down, 2 children have passed away, 2 miscarriages, financial struggles that have been ongoing. So much so, I have actually have had one person say "what else is new." Almost as if I should be used to the financial struggle and not even mention it, as it apparently is annoying to hear about. Amazing. It almost seems as if you have a struggle in your life whether it be debt, a loss of a loved one, divorce, substance abuse, etc, apparently you are supposed to keep it to yourself as it makes other uncomfortable? I find this shocking, as most of this seems to come from fellow "Christians." Last I checked, Jesus talked about supporting others, entering into their pain, supporting without fail. Not to mention, any devout follower in the bible didn't have a perfect life in fact, they were pummeled with trials and tribulations. In this day and age, it seems if you are considered a Christian, you are supposed to put a big smiley face on and be okay with everything and have little feelings because Jesus came. I want to shake these people. Jesus wept in the garden and asked G-d to change His mind. He overturned the tables in the church in anger for justifiable reasons, he embraced those that no one else in society wanted to be around. If He was here right now, do you think he'd be at all our churches or buying a house in the suburbs? I don't think so. I think he'd be in the hospitals, down at the soup kitchens, he'd be in the places most people would be ashamed or afraid to go to. So why is when we announce our troubles, we are shunned for fear of being an embarrassment or failure? G-d made us to have emotions. Having Jesus come did not change that. Because he came, we can have hope in these turbulent times, but it doesn't change the fact that we will embrace our human tendencies. We will never be perfect, so why pretend? Why not wrap our arms around each other and support each other instead of doling out the advice, criticism, judgement, not to mention followed by gossip! Grrr, it makes me boil in anger. I admit, I am not perfect. I too have done these things, but it's not to late to change. I always joke with Seth, at least you know I didn't marry you for your money! We just laugh and laugh. It scares me to wonder what is going to happen next. We have worked so hard, just be able to carry living children, that we never thought about the economy. Yet as scared and worried, and yes, sometime I feel that we have failed. I wouldn't trade my life with Seth for all of the financial security in the world. If I have to go without, there is no one in the world that I would rather have then him, by my side. We may not have much in financial means, and I admit, every day fear creeps in, but I have been trying hard to focus on my love for my little family. Late at night as we tuck the kids into their beds and Seth has drifted off to sleep, I can't help but feel like we are lucky ones. While each day is filled with anxiety, fear, anger, I keep on trying to remind myself, we have been through worse. I don't want to lose our home or worry about bills or food, but if I had to, at least we are healthy and we have each other. In my darkest panic, that seems to be when G-d sends Aria or Isaiah to come and sit in my lap for no reason or have Seth call from work, just to remind me that he loves me. As we approach decisions about leaving the state to find a new way of living, I am trying hard to remember, it is all in G-d's hands. Where ever he leads us, no matter how hard, I am putting my trust in Him. It doesn't mean I won't go kicking and screaming, but as long as we are together, we'll find a way. I keep holding on for miracles. I know He gives them when you least expect it, and I am clinging to that hope now. So instead of one day at a time, I am taking one breath at a time. Sometimes I just feel so tired and weary, it's so hard to fight all the time. I just wish things were easier. I look at my kids and want to give them everything that their little hearts desire. They deserve so much. As I turn on the TV and watch the news, I know that I am not alone, many many others are in our same situation if not worse. I am writing to let you know, if you are in the same place as us, you aren't alone, you don't need to be ashamed, and I am praying for you. We'll make it through, we just have to, one moment at a time.