A new day

So the last few postings have been a bit down. I have been praying constantly to G-d little breath prayers (as that was all about that I could muster) to get me through. Thankfully He answered in ways that were tangible for me. When I get depressed it's so hard to do listening prayers. Patience has never really been something that I have excelled in, so when I am down, it really seems to be non-existent. Thankfully, our Lord created me and knows that full well. I have to give myself the grace that He gives to me, not to be anything but who He made me to be. I am also a person who thrives on relationships and communication. I'm kind of like a puppy, always eager to please and excited when attention is payed. Yet easily devastated if ignored, but quick to forgive! I have had so many people step in and give me the encouragement I really needed. If you were one of those people, I can't thank you enough! I had a dear friend of mine say a couple of weeks to me, if you don't reach out and put yourself out there for help, no one knows you need it. So, again pride seems to rear it's ugly head as I tried to not ask, as I am afraid I will look like a basket case. So I have been battling against the devil's evil whispers lately and remind myself they are just lies. G-d has sent out my loved ones in my life to remind me of this and I am SO grateful. I am learning the devil likes to put out these old lies and have them penetrate my soul when I thought I'd finally conquered them once and for all. I can't believe I so easily fall for it, it's so annoying! I guess it will be a life long battle that I am going to have to be conscious of. At my retreat they talked a lot about how the devil and negative thoughts really go hand in hand. It's easy to believe that he doesn't exist, as it seems less intimidating, when in reality, the devil is a real and he is still a jerk. Thankfully G-d is a million times more powerful and I have to rest in that. This morning I woke up to the chatter of my kids voices on the monitors. Both of them smothered me in hugs and eager anticipation of telling me their latest finds around the house. Aria has now taken to wearing her tutu over her clothes every day. She twirls around the house while singing any song that is on her mind. She calls my name a million times, awaiting my response of calling her name and then she leaps into my arms followed my a "mmm Mommy!" Lately her and I have been butting heads. She has entered into what I'd like to call the "trying two's." She desperately wants my attention and when I don't give it, she follows me around the house whining this ear deafening pitch (what little hearing I have, I'd like to keep!). All the while to be followed by a throw to the ground while whacking her head on the laminate floors. At first, I felt terrible. Now, I just walk away as she howls from her self inflicted pain. My instinct is still to want to check her out, but if I do, she just does it more. [I guess I just changed the font and I have no idea how to change it back, oh well] Needless to say, the whining is quite grating on the nerves and has at points brought me to points of insanity!! The funny thing is, she still craves any time with me. If I go upstairs for 5 minutes even, she'll run into my arms and call out to me as if I had been gone fore years. Little stinker. Reading has become a big passion for both of them. Today I picked out a book with more sentences in it to see how much she could read. She did really well, and even read the word trampoline! I still love dressing her, as she loves anything with rainbows and pink in it. She has even gone so far as to pick out her own clothes. Ahh, my little fashionista. Isaiah is still full speed ahead with whales, dolphins, and sharks. He rarely speaks of space and has said he wants to be a marine biologist (at least he's not trying to leave the planet anymore!). He spends most of his time trying to lure Aria under his covers to pretend that they are in the ocean swimming with whales. His imagination has grown exponentially! A year ago, he only engaged in factual play. Now I hear him making up songs, voices for animals, and all sorts of imaginary play. He loves to run around (something else he used to hardly do) and drag Aria with him as they giggle and play. Normally most of this is followed by some type of fighting, but I guess that is typical sibling interaction. Isaiah and Aria have taken a huge interest in the bible. Mainly Isaiah totes around his bible and when he has down time, I find him reading it followed by questions that are even hard for me to put in words. Today Isaiah asked me who the Holy Spirit is! So I explained in the best way I could, thankfully he was good with that. I almost think if he'd been living back in the day of Jesus, he'd have been following him to the Temple to question everyone. I love his thirst for knowledge, yet his heart to play with kids. Being a stay at home Mom has presented challenges I never knew existed, but at the the same time, it is so rewarding. The hardest part is when your kids see you have a bad day. We try to not hide our emotions to a point, as we want them to see that we have feelings too. Yet, you don't want to scare them so much that they feel unstable. There are so many areas of gray. Another funny thing is the reputation my kids have gotten for being so polite. When I sneeze, they both are eager to say "G-d bless you!" I say "thank you" only to hear them respond "your welcome!" without missing a beat. Sometimes when you live with the politeness police you'll also get busted for having your elbows on the table or not excusing yourself from the table, so Seth and I have had to really watch ourselves as those little eyes seem to be on the look out. Seth is still as wonderful as ever. The poor man has the memory of swiss cheese, but he means well. As always he is working hard and has to be about the best Dad I have ever seen. I still can't believe he chose me as his wife! Here I have gained weight and gotten grouchy and he still thinks I am a rose. What a sweetie! He has been after me to put up Aurora and Eli's stockings up at the mausoleum. It's always extra hard for me around the holidays to go out there. It's hard to believe time is still moving without them here. I just saw a clip with Elizabeth Edwards referring to death. She has been preparing her children for her death for a while and of course they had their eldest son die years ago. She said something to the effect of, don't be afraid to speak of those who passed on. Bringing up the person doesn't remind them that they are gone, as we already know that. Instead it reminds us that they lived. I loved that. She said it much better. For us, losing our children, it never goes away. They are always thought of a missed. Every time I hear of another family whose child is ill or has passed, it takes me right back. While the wound has now closed up, there is always a scar. If you lose your arm, you always miss it, but you learn to live without it. When we go to "visit the kids" we still sing to them, Seth is going to be playing his cello, and Aria and Isaiah always run to their spot and know exactly where we are. I am thankful that they love their two siblings they have never met. There isn't sadness, just joy that their brother and sister are in Heaven and one day they'll meet again. To have a child's heart again, boy, I miss the innocence. I don't know where I am going with all of this. My sensitive heart just needed a place to speak and I guess writing is where it is at. I have decided to try and blog several times a week if not more. It helps me stay grounded. Where David sang and wrote his Psalms, I have my blog. I would still greatly appreciate your prayers. Around the holidays, I tend to be more emotional. Ah heck, I guess I always am:) So for today, I feel a bit more level, which feels great. I am sure I must be speaking gobbly gook, but just bear with me. Tonight we are having a little Hanukkah party, just with our little family. The kids eat it up and have learned several songs. Isaiah has almost memorized the blessing in Hebrew. Then it is on to Christmas after that. I love having so many special days to celebrate. It makes the winter seem less, bleck (I am not a winter person) We have his gymnastics tomorrow one last time with his old class. I am praying his coach will be able to keep it together for one last time. Well, Aria is vying for my attention. Until I write again...