So, I just wrote half of my post and then my stinkin' computer just erased it!! Blast! Nothing like pouring your heart out and then having your words disappear into oblivion. Oh well. Lately I have been doing most of my posts on the family, but today, I'll write about my struggle. Every day brings it's new challenges. Whether it be lack of sleep, the kids not listening, a bill you thought you had payed coming back, etc... What I have been struggling with, has been a life long thing. My relationship with G-d and my faith. I know that He exists, but there are things I desperately want answered. Sometimes I feel like a child that can not be appeased. With every answer that I get answered, is normally followed with another "why?" My life long question is, will I get into Heaven? Even as a young child I remember worrying about this. In Sunday school all the kids would boast with pride "I am going to Heaven!" I would ask them how they knew that and most of the responses would be "because I said so and if I believe it, then I will." Me being the cynical child that I was thought "but isn't that up to G-d? How can I be the one to judge?" This truly tormented me, it still does. As I went through life, I chose to believe, but not in a firm way. Instead more in a, just believe it or else it'll drive me crazy. Then we had Aurora and Elijah. They changed my perspective in realizing how important faith really is. Without my belief in G-d, I wouldn't made it through. In all my sorrow, anguish, and grief, I clung to Him because I realized nothing really mattered in life, but Him. No amount of money, no amount of knowledge, no amount of anything could bring my children back. He gives and He takes away. All my life, I thought I was in control, but in reality, it couldn't have been further from the truth. I am finally going on my first woman's retreat. It's called the Pursuit of Wholeness. I have been wanting to go for some time now, but always found a reason not to go. Lately Isaiah has been bombarding me with questions and he really takes to heart every answer that I give him. Seth and I believe in telling him the truth about everything. We don't dummy things down, we just say it like it is in the most descriptive manner possible. He like me, is a very literal child. We have already approached the subject of death. Unlike most kids, who really aren't faced with an immediate family members death, we do. I have had great families who years ago had a child die and how they dealt with it with their other children. They all said to be honest, to let them know how loved and missed the deceased child is. Also to let the other children love them as well. Believe it or not, they were right. Isaiah is very aware and protective of Rory and Eli. We have had to explain why we go to the Mausoleum and why the kids pictures never change. I now understand the scripture of "...faith like a child.." I sometimes envy the innocence and the trusting natures of little ones. So I am praying that this weekend that I will be "found" in a way that I haven't been. I feel it is very necessary to know what I believe as that will be the foundation in what my childrens faith will be built upon. I desperately want to be one of those women who is so passionate for the Lord that it is obvious just by looking. I often think about the parable of the seeds that are planted in all the different types of soil. Which one would G-d say that I am? I find myself so eager to please all those around me, when in reality I should be focused on pleasing G-d. He is only one who can truly give me what I need. I try and remind myself that life is full of plains, mountains, valleys, rivers, streams, oceans, storms, and even calmness. If I was always on top of the mountain, I suppose I wouldn't grow. I have a feeling this weekend will be a turning point in my life. I try and not think about all of Isaiah's Universe movies in how vast the universe really is, or else I start to doubt, how could G-d really be interested in us when we are but a speck of dust. I have never been an abstract thinker. I don't like looking at paintings of dots or strokes of paint showing the struggle between humanity and machine. Instead, I like looking at paintings of flowers, houses, anything I can identify. Sometimes G-d seems so abstract, where I wish I could understand Him in a more simplistic view. Oh Lord, can't you just knock on my door or send me and email???
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