A Christmas Carol....Sort of

I have finally come out of writing seclusion.  I decided to take a break, but Seth encouraged me to get back on the ball.  It's crazy how my life has so dramatically changed.   As I close my eyes, I can remember two years ago about this time.  Aria was toddling around, Isaiah was into his ocean aquatic stage, and I was stuffing my face every time I turned around.   I would be running up and down the stairs running loads of laundry, while prepping dinner (trying to wow Seth with my new found culinary skills) trying to create a new mouthwatering masterpiece, and probably yapping on the phone to get in some adult conversation that didn't require the words, potty or sippy cup.  I remember feeling so frazzled, trying so hard to be super Mom.  I pretty much failed at it.  How can you succeed when comparing yourself to others?  You can't.  

With all of the holiday movies, there is one that I can almost really relate to.  Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol.   I feel like I am Scrooge.  Only instead of having a huge greed for money, my downfall, an ungrateful heart.  Sometimes I feel as though all the ghosts are visiting me late at night, the ghosts of the past, present, and future.  I wonder if Charles Dickens wasn't writing that the ghosts were literal, but that of our mind.  Honestly, I have never read the book, just have seen every movie known with that title all the way down to the Disney version (scared the hoo ha out of me as a kid) on TV.   I now look back on the life I had, even while Elijah and Aurora were still alive, and I find myself wanting to yell at the old me to say "YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME!!  BELIEVE OR NOT, THESE ARE SOME OF YOUR BEST YEARS!"  I see the young me, hair down my back,  happy all the time.  We lived on a Native American reservation for a few years out in South Dakota where my parents were foster parents for 13 girls all at the same time!  I was the baby out of all the girls and so I was well loved, and I loved all of them.  I especially loved one of the oldest girls who as far as I was concerned, was a movie star.  Her name was Tammy and I adored her.  I had some of my happiest childhood memories out there.  I remember swimming in the Missouri River and just laughing a lot.  I then flash forward to various periods of time, some good, some not so much, but somehow everything was still okay.  Of course I revisit when Aurora and Elijah, the ups and downs of their pregnancies.  The joys of their births and the sorrow of their deaths.  Looking back, I can see the handiwork of G-d.  How he brought people into our lives at just the right time, that alone still mystifies me.  While I grieve over the relationships that did not with hold the test of time, I know now, for everything there is a season.   

Sometimes the ghost of the future shows up in the form of panic attacks, anxiety, and fear as my thoughts introduce the possibilities of what might be.  I am here to say that I am Christian, but I am not the type that you see on TV that seems so perfect and put together.   Lately, I have been reading the book of James in the bible.  I can tell you that if James was here right now, I'd be in big trouble.  I have been having trouble concentrating, so his chapter is easy for me to read and to understand.  He was quite the straight shooter, no bones about what was on his mind.  Any thought of pious behavior is squelched within reading the first two chapters, he is a reminder that none of us have it together.   Still he talks about rejoicing in trials, I am not there yet.  In fact he says that the trials actually shape your maturity.  I don't feel like I am progressing in this area.  Instead, I feel as though I might be regressing.  I feel as though I went from being this strong firm opinionated woman, into a weak questioning child.  The other day I was pretty much mentally flogging myself for my lack of faith, when I remembered, ..."faith like a child."   I found myself pondering, has G-d allowed this suffering to humble me?  I didn't think I was that prideful, but maybe I was?   The thing about not being able to eat, well it pretty much makes you feel like a rabid animal.  I probably look like this tiny pathetic little animal, but when you walk by with those tacos, chili, meatloaf, Chinese, heck a salad (never thought that would be on my top 5 things truly missed) I just feel like I am going to start frothing at the mouth and then who knows what things I might be capable of!?   Run!!  Then the scary stuff like sickness throws me into a tailspin.  Simple colds set me back for days, I feel so fragile.  I look at my children and pray that G-d will let me see them grow up, to be able to play with them like I used to.  Or to see them go on a date, graduate, see them have their first baby and watch them grow old.  Or I look at Seth, and long to be by his side till we have white hair, or as we joke, bald and toothless.  I can't not imagine being by his side.  I have declared that he is going to wear button down shirts with  a cute bowtie and suspenders to hold up his pants all while whistling every time he speaks.  I want to be there and I wonder, what if I am not?  Often we visit the kids at the mausoleum, we stand in front of their headstone and I can't help but look to left and see our empty space.  I can't help but imagine my name up there.   There is a man that's wife passed away years ago.  To this day, there are always fresh flowers.  When I have had some of my worst days, Seth has promised that he won't forget me, and that he'll bring flowers.....    Some people say you can't think like that.  Well, I am just being honest and I'd be a liar to say I didn't.   The hardest part is feeling like I haven't done much, I haven't left a legacy.  I keep on thinking, if G-d asks me what I did here on earth, what have I done??  

Which brings me to the present.  Having really rough days, makes you truly appreciate the good days.  By good, I mean being able to wake up in the morning.  Every day I wake up, I am truly thankful that G-d has allowed me yet another day.  As my bones seem to move slowly, it gives me time to set a goal for that day.  Each day I pray I can eat a little more, be a little more nice, and to trust G-d.   Some days I fall flat on my face, while others feel like a beautiful song.  I pad into Aria's room and see her sweet angelic face.  "Aria, how did you sleep?"  She always replies
"Good, I dreamed about ponies, butterflies, and rainbows, and you Mommy?"  She is always giggling and I'll say "this is the day that the Lord has made," she chimes in with me, "let us REJOICE and be glad in it!"  We head downstairs to face the day.  Some days I can hardly make it to the couch and we have dry cereal.  On the good ones, I move around.  I love the good ones.  I cherish the good ones.  I still keep on clinging to the hope that this season will pass and I find myself constantly praying for true healing.  Sometimes that hope almost makes me crazy, sometimes it is all I have to keep on going.  Some days I feel like I need music to drive the evil thoughts away.  All I keep on thinking is, this wasn't supposed to be my life, how did I get here?   Yet, I am.  This is my life.  I have outlived some of my children, I have lived longer than those whose  names flash across the nightly news, I have lived...


I am reminded of the gift that G-d has allowed, that is truly a priceless gift.  It is the gift of others.  Every time I find myself asking G-d, "did you forget me?  Does anyone remember me?"  He responds in the most unique of ways.  While some may say it is chance, others fate, I know it is G-d.    I have been dreading the holidays for a while.  We have been struggling as Seth has had to miss a lot of work and the medical bills keep on coming.  The kids this year were already talking about Christmas back before Halloween.   I feel as though so much has been taken from them in having to stick with me that I just couldn't help but feel depressed.  FB and I have a love/hate relationship.  While it's great for the sense that it keeps me somewhat in a social loop, it also can be a cause of envy.  I see the posts of everyone going out to eat, going on vacation, heck going grocery shopping, and I feel so ashamed that I can't too.   Then came the postings of the Christmas tree with gifts piled everywhere and I started to feel sick.  I had already envisioned Isaiah questioning me on where all the gifts were, eh....  I kept on praying to G-d to help, I didn't know how, but we needed it.   I would love to go into details, but I know some people want to stay anonymous, but I'll just say, we had presents under the tree.   I cried.  I am grateful beyond words.   The best gift of all, was realizing that we hadn't been forgotten.  I kept on telling the kids about the importance of giving, not getting.  

You know at the end of the movie,  Scrooge was able to right his wrongs.  I keep on asking G-d for my chance to right my wrongs.  I dream of the day that I have the energy to get up and do things for others.  Gone are the days for trying to keep up with Jones.   I, so badly want to be remembered as someone who really sought G-d out, who tried to do the right thing.  I also want to be remembered as someone who truly cared about others.  I have learned about compassion to a level I never knew existed.  I feel peoples pain, as they cry about their suffering, I cry with them.   I don't want to run away and get on with my life, instead I want to put my arm  around them and say the simple words of "I'm here, I am not going away."  I am doing the best I can to try from my shut in status, but I dream of the day when I can go to other's houses and help in whatever it is that they need.  I have suffered so much, but I know that others are suffering right along with me, even worse.  I feel my heart of stone, is being turned to flesh.   As painful as it is, I am thankful to G-d for allowing me another day.  While I still battle the fear of each new flu or food setback, I can only pray that His mighty hand will carry me and push on through. 

I say all of this with tears in my eyes.  I have a friend of mine who has gastroparesis as well.  I believe G-d brought her into my life last year, when I didn't know if I had the strength to go on.  She encouraged me with words of assurance about the feeding tube and spoke to me about all of my suffering that it wasn't all in my head, it was real.    Her last tube coiled up in her stomach and was giving her horrible pain.  I don't want to over step my bounds of privacy for her, but I want people to understand that this is a very difficult diagnosis that can barely affect some, and brutally mess with others. Like me, she too was a foodie.  Was, I hate that word.   Anyways, she is way more courageous when it comes to trying new foods and has inspired me to be brave in each day.  She was hoping that she might do better without the tube, but it hasn't been the case.  She is now at a dangerously low weight and all I can do is pray.  I feel so helpless.  Why can't we find a cure for this thing?  It really hits home how serious this really is.   I just want to go down to the hospitals and beg them to do more research, to give us hope.  In a world obsessed with losing weight, we want to gain!!!!    As each weight loss commerical comes on, another is followed by a restaurant commercial, how messed up is that??  Talk about messing with your mind!!  Blah!  Anyways my arm is going numb, so I better pause for now.  I ask for prayers for my dear friend, that the Lord would make a path for her, that she would experience His peace, and be healed.  I too need prayers.  I ask that G-d would protect us from illness and make me strong and have energy again.  I have been so depleted that I can hardly put my clothes on without getting winded.
I ask for prayers of hope and healing.  I ask for prayers against the evil one, for protection from all of his firey darts in any way shape and form.   I believe that I can ask this, as with anything with G-d is possible.  Blessed be His name for He gives and He takes away. 

Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed.



























 





























































  























 

If Only...

Walking up the emerald green colored hill, I feel the grass squishing between my toes.  Birds are chirping their melodious songs, while a gentle breeze blows my hair into my face.  The sun is shining down on me and I feel it's gentle warmth.  I am wearing a beautiful white sun dress, with a wreath of pink baby roses on my head.  The hills seem to gently roll with magnificent flowering trees of pinks, purples, and white as far as my eyes can see.  Every imaginable flower is blooming and the fragrance is amazing.  I can hear everything, I don't need my hearing aids, in fact, I don't need my glasses.  As I touch my face, it is clear and smooth and nothing hurts.  I feel drawn to walk to what sounds like, a babbling brook.  All I see is a forest of blossoming trees, but I am not afraid.  I walk through the winding maze of trees as I pass by deer, chipmunks, and every woodland creature than I can imagine.  There is no fear for either side.  I walk on.  When I hear children's laughter.  It's the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.  Like a moth to fire, I begin to run.  The sound of laughter is louder and louder with each step and my chest is pounding with great anticipation.  I come over a small hill to see a gathering of children.  They are all playing around the brook in light clothing.  Some have mud on them, yet they look perfect.  I begin to scan through the children knowing they have to be here.  My eyes lock with hers.  "Mama!"Aurora says.  I stand in a amazement looking at her, she is beautiful with her brown blond wavy hair cascading down her back.  She too is wearing white, her bare feet splattered with mud.  "Elijah, Elijah Praise she's here!"  Huddled in the water, a little boy appears to be busy catching a frog or a fish.   His blond hair almost seems to shimmer in the light.  I study him as he lifts his face, it's him.  He smiles at me with his two deep dimples and his big ole blue eyes sparkle, "Mama!"  They both run to me as I run to them.   I feel our bodies collide and my heart sores like the wind.  My heart rests in a peaceful state that I have never known before...

Today is Elijah's birthday, he would have been 8.  I try hard on his birthday to not focus on the regrets, but instead on the joy and the miracle that was his life.  His life story continues to touch people even as the years go by.  Honestly, I can't imagine him being 8.  I more think of him as maybe a 4 year old, I can't figure out why.  I'm fine with it though, I like that they stay young in my memory.  I have nephews both Aurora and Elijah's age, so as they grow, I watch intently.  If they only knew how much I really watch them, I think they would be surprised.  We talk openly about them to Aria and Isaiah.  They accept them and know one day we will all be together again.  I love that they love to talk about them, there is no awkwardness, just acceptances.  I have learned not to over shoot these days with high expectations, but just to try for simple goals.  Today we got a candle.  My kids love candles, just as much as I do, so in honor of his birthday it seemed awfully fitting.   We always talked about how he smelled like vanilla cookies, so we felt that would be a fitting aroma.  The closest we found was vanilla cupcake, and everyone is pleased.  We looked through Eli's pictures with the kids as they asked questions.  Instead of birthday cake, we have root beer floats.  He tried one a week before he passed on, so it's become his thing.  It still doesn't feel normal that he isn't here, even after so much time passing.  I guess a parents love never ends.  I find myself day dreaming every now and again of what our reunification will look like and often it appears as I wrote above.   I used to beg G-d to be able to look into Heaven, even for a minute just to check on them.  I still yearn a bit.  I have been struggling with pain the last few days, physical pain, and in those times I try to go to my "happy place."  As Seth and I revisited all that has gone on since first meeting each other, I found myself in bewildered.  Seth, being the eternal optimist says "I wear it as a badge of honor.  Still don't understand how the gastroparesis part is going to pan out, but..."    I don't either.  Been trying hard to focus on the present and not dwell in the future, it's much to dangerous.  We aren't promised tomorrow, I know that full well.  I don't know how all of this will work for the Glory of G-d, only He knows.  I find the questions of the future paralyze me with fear, so I must remain in the moment that is now and the beauty of what was.   8 years ago, our son was born without kidneys, alive.  He lived for 6 1/2 amazing months.  Today we honor his memory and cling to the hope of G-d's promise, his life hasn't ended, in fact, it's just begun.  Watch, pray, believe, and always be amazed, each breath is truly a miracle.



It's been a rough patch over here lately.  I have not been eating well and the pain has increased.  I would appreciate your prayers as well as for a friend of ours, Steve.  He start Chemo this week and I know he would appreciate your prayers as well.












 











 

Our G-d is in Control

This past month has been rough. So often I find myself deep in thought, "what is my purpose?" Do you remember the song "Place in this world" by Michael W. Smith? I have been mulling it over, especially when I am struggling. This week was the hardest, emotionally. I don't need to go over specifics, but it's where I am at. Just when I always think of closing this blog down, I get messages about how I captured what a person had been thinking or struggling with. So for now, I will assume this is what G-d wants me to do. Isaiah has been really sick this past weekend, but is looking better. Aside from seeing him in so much pain, I struggled with not being the parent I wish I was. Sadly, when I am stuck on the couch, I watch a lot of TV. Not my proudest admission, but true. I used to love to read, but for now, it's hard to concentrate. I have been learning all along how persuasive the media is, but what I didn't realize, is how much guilt it sends. You know, the commercials of the tiny babies all cute and cuddly. For me, it's a reminder of all that times my babies were small and how fast they have grown up and then it makes me wish I had more, but I can't.... Or the kids that are supposed to be "sick" with a fever, and how empathetic the Mom looks at her poor child. Why don't they show the parents tearing their hair out in the middle of the night, trying to get their kid to drink the medicine while he's flailing about!? The thoughts of sheer exhaustion twisting your body into involuntary spasms of physical and mental trauma, as you dread the morning of half dead participation for the rest of the world. Seth has had to shoulder a good chunk of this burden, so I feel extra guilty. He has to work and take care of the household, sick kids, and a sick wife. So, let's just say, I haven't been Sunshine Suzy lately. I have found myself crying out to G-d a lot. It's hard to be in community when you aren't feeling well. G-d built us for it, we need it more that I have ever realized. So this week I had to do what I hate to do, ask for help. Seriously, you may not think it, but I HATE asking for help. I find myself imagining all the scenarios that people must be thinking, again. I worry how needy I must look, or worse even, an attention seeker. Bleck, I hate to even air the sentence out. I admit it, I have watched people all of my life broadcast their issues in various forms of communication. Some people are always fine, some have and escaped issue, and some just let it all hang out. Now I see things a bit differently. I think we all suffer in different ways, and I am learning more and more, how important it is, to not judge others. I have secretly thought in my head about certain people "it can't be that bad," or "here we go again." How I hate eating crow. Now looking back, I can re-assess what I once wrongfully judged and realize, that must have been so hard. I wish I could hunt down all of these people and just apologize for my behavior. I wish I would have just hugged them and said "I'm sorry." The other day I went to a meeting and at the end of the meeting, one of the women just walked up to me and hugged me and said that very thing to me. I burst into tears and sobbed. I hardly know her, yet her simple words shattered my icy heart. Mostly, I am realizing how hard I am on myself. I have entangled myself into expectations that I can not fulfill. I am grieving this. I am grieving over the person I thought I was going to be. Now this leaves me with a big, now what? I will never be the Proverbs 31 wife. I will never be Maria, from the Sound of Music. I will never be??? Most people by 33 have a career, or at least a direction that their life is pointed in. I had always imagined I would finish college before getting married. I honestly didn't think I would have children, I just wanted to adopt. Then I met Seth and that all changed. I had kids and that all changed. Then I thought, once the kids are in school I'll go back to school.... Now I am being shown that I need to stop living in the future, once again. I need to live today, right now, in this hour. It's so hard to. It seems like we are raised to plan? Am I not right? I found myself this week struggling to keep my head above water, when an article or a news cast tells of someone else overcoming way more than I can even fathom, positively. Then I find myself feeling inspired with a twist of self loathing for not being like that. The person I thought I was, doesn't exist. I don't know if this stems from all the trauma I have went through, the chronic illness, or if it's a 30 something mid life kind of crisis? We have to go back to U of M on Monday, lately I just don't like to go. It once was a place of such hope, but right now, it's more of a nuisance. Then I want to just smack myself on the back of the head and say "hey lady, at least you have health care! Medical technology is improving every day. G-d is working every day." Then I hear this tiny voice inside of me that says "I'm just scared, be kind to me." I have been fighting so hard, for so long, and this petite frame is worn out. I had a wonderful friend that took time out of her day, to sit with me, to listen to me, to cry with me, it was more precious than gold. Today, for the first time in over a month, I woke up with a little blossom of hope. I am praying it blooms into a forest. I don't understand why at times I must travel so deep into depths of mire, but I feel myself hanging on. I hear the whisper of "where is your G-d?" I instantly fill up with a burning embers all around me thinking "how dare you! G-d is real! He is the creator, the one true living G-d!" As I see all of these protests breaking out all around the world in the name of disgracing Islam. I can't help but think, could we really be living in the end of days? I know every generation has been taught this, but could it be time? Where do I stand with all of this? Do we keep quiet to keep peace, or do we shout out "The G-d of Abraham, Isaac, Israel, of Jesus, is the one true living G-d!" When do we cry out "enough." What will I say if they come knocking at our door to ask what side we are on? I am realizing that battle for my soul is more evident than I have ever realized. Wow, I guess I had some stuff bubbling under the surface. I always end each post with asking for prayer, for healing, peace, courage, and strength. I pray for G-d to guide my footsteps but also for peace for the rest of this world, I ask for prayers for those on the front lines of all of this. While I don't understand why there is suffering in this world, I must hang on to this, Our G-d is in Control. Here is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, I hope it helps you for whatever hard day you have had and know that you are loved and never are alone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoAYb8YmCwQ&feature=related

Little Guy

Isaiah finally started school this past week. He has eagerly been anticipating the huge step of entering the 1st grade. It blows my mind how fast he is growing. It won't be long before he is taller than me, in fact his feet are almost as big as mine! He loves his school and is eager to get up early in morning. Seth has been waking him up and is able to see him before he goes to work. Isaiah is just loving it! I used to be like he is, a night owl/early bird. Now I am just a night owl that is trying to recapture the early bird in me. So far I have failed to catch the worm. Seth keeps on reminding me not to get to discouraged, that it takes a while to change a habit (let alone one I have been utilizing for several years) to get back into the swing of things. One of the huge obstacles that I have been dreading, the germ factor. Sure enough, it has reared it's ugly head. You have to understand before Eli, germs were not even on my mind. Now that I have gastroparesis, it has really messed with my immune system. So what used to be a fear, is now truly a huge issue. I am still trying to recover the pounds that I had gained and then lost with the shingles. I had worked so hard to gain those pounds and was actually starting to feel glimmers of energy! Needless to say, I have been feeling extremely down. Physical health really does impact mental health. I noticed Isaiah had been coughing a bit on the first day of school, I just attributed it to allergies. By Thursday I noticed him looking a bit disheveled. I kept on trying to tell myself it was probably just the lack of sleep and that he'd be fine. Yet deep inside I felt "the twang." I believe every Mom has this. You know that feeling? Something isn't right and yet you just can't put your finger on it but it just digs at your insides? This week had been really hard on me, so I have been really looking forward to Friday. I woke up to find Isaiah looking like a train wreck. I had asked Seth if I could keep him at home, but Seth felt I was over reacting. Reluctantly, I sent him off to school. My mother guilt set in as I realized I had sent him in shorts (mind you knowing he wasn't feeling good) and it was pretty cool outside. Then the phone rang. I thought it was Aria's school calling to set up a get together and it didn't even register when the secretary was trying to tell me to come get Isaiah. I actually was puzzled and had to ask her what was going on. She told me that he was running a fever and I felt my blood run cold. Yes, I know for you seasoned mothers, this is just every day life. For me, selfishly it's a health issue. Simple illnesses are knocking me on my tush. On top of that, Isaiah is a tough cookie to care for when not feeling well (his future wife has her work cut out for her) and last night, was not good. We thankfully were able to get him into the doctor's office the same day. Seth thought I was nuts, since he figured it to be a simple cold. Little did either of us realize, he wasn't able to fully take a deep breath. The doctor tried several times to take a deep breath when they realized he has fluid in his lungs. Long story short, our nebulizer is running full force. So he is now on 2 steroid treatments and we are pooped out. He was pretty much inconsolable last night and kept on screaming. We felt so helpless to see him curled in ball, his face was ghostly pale and his little chest was retracting with each breath. Mind you, he normally seems so big to me. Last night, he turned into our little guy, just helpless. We prayed over him while running back and forth with each breathing treatment and supplies. Aria was so upset that we cut her off from playing with him. Today he seems to be a little better than last night, but still is no where near himself. We are asking for prayers that he'd heal from this quickly. The doctor has orders for back up if we run into issues and I am praying we won't need them. I know it sounds silly, he's a healthy kid but my thought's always go to the "what if's?" Some may say it's a waste of energy, but I think for those who have walked in similar situations as us know, well we just think differently. It doesn't help that this had hit his breathing so hard. I don't think our kids will ever comprehend the magnitude of our love for them. Also for prayers for the rest of us. Seth and I are exhausted and the stress hasn't helped us any. I am praying for strength, courage, and energy, with a huge dose of peace. We appreciate all of your prayers. Aria is supposed to start preschool on Monday and frankly, I think she might throw us to birds if we don't let her go. They both are such sweet kids and so full of forgiving love. It's amazing to see how the simple issues of life can cause such havoc! Not to mention how precious good health really is. If you have good health, consider yourself doubly blessed, it truly is a treasure. Better get back to the not so little guy. Hopefully my hair doesn't turn white by the end of the year;)

The Power of 12

Today Seth and I celebrated twelve years of marriage, in the ER. I just have to laugh because it all seems so silly. Seth loves it when I write about my feelings for him and it's my little gift to him each year. I don't know how most peoples brains work. Mine works like a movie player. I see, smell, taste, or just plain out have a memory and it flashes back. It's like I am sitting in a theater watching my life memories, it's kind of cool. I don't need to go into all the details of these past few weeks, but basically I came down with the shingles. I am 33!! I thought this was something you get later in life, but after speaking to several people, it's more common than I realized. Bottom line, they stink. I officially feel like Job, except I am not holy and blameless, but you catch my drift. They hurt, my body aches and burns, and now the already fatigued body, is running on E. So I have literally been crying out to the Lord. I am too tired for anger, I am just sad. I had plans for this last week of summer to do some extra special things with the kids, to make memories. I am realizing that they are now at the ages that my earliest memories were forever formed. I have been watching a lot of TV, as my mind can not seem to focus on books. I have been running into interviews about people and how their early child hood really shaped them. Some had parents divorce and leave, some had a parent die, and some had a parent that was sick. I sit there watching each movement of their face as they begin to choke up and release their deepest feelings about their lives. It gets me thinking about my kids. I can't help but always think about how they are going to remember this time in their lives. Will it shape them for the better? Will there be resentment? Do they feel abandoned or scared? Or are they having fun, hopping from family and friends homes? All I know is each time I leave for an unexpected hospital visit, I try to smother them in kisses. I try to tell them how much I prayed for G-d to give us another baby, how sad we were when Eli and Rory died. But then He sent us the two of them. I try to cup their faces in my hands and tell them how wonderful they are. Movies in my mind flash back to the day we found out we were pregnant, the day they were born, the day they first smiled at me. Also the day that I first got frustrated when they wouldn't sleep, the day they got sick and couldn't tell me what was wrong, the day they decided my cooking wasn't for them. So many memories for me, but what about them? Today my thoughts went back to our wedding day, 12 years ago. My biggest thought on my mind was, if Seth was going to change his mind and leave me at the alter. My shoes were too small and I literally had both of my parents on each side of me as I walked down the aisle for a beautiful moment, but a secret, my shoes were too tight to walk in!! Never order shoes for your wedding without knowing your size ladies! I remember looking at my handsome man as I blushed walking down the aisle. I remember thinking our life was going to be so easy, we'd be through the hard stuff, so smooth sailing from here on out. I snagged my man! We had incorporated some Jewish customs from my Mother's side. One of them was the stepping on of the glass. The groom crushes it with his feet to symbolize it being the worst of your problems, and that life would be good. Kind of hard to explain, but... So I can still see Seth stepping on it and hearing the crunch of the glass and thinking, we are so in love, there won't be any problems. I see that naive girl with dreams dancing in her head, my rose colored glasses that might as well have been contacts, I was so naive. I miss being naive. I miss that girl. She was so full of spunk and chutzpah. I knew what I wanted, when I wanted, and that was it. Now I can barely choose between the big spoon or the small spoon. I see Seth and I, gazing into each others eyes as we recited our vows. Sweat dripping down our backs due to the unexpected heat and lack of air conditioning in the church. Nothing could go wrong, we had each other. 12 years have come and gone in what seems like such a short amount of time. We all go through struggles in every season of our life, but nothing prepared me for what has happened in the last 12. I am thankful for my faith, as shaky as it can be, I believe my G-d is fully alive and working in everything. He got us through these last 12 years. He gave me a husband that truly has honored every single vow and then some. As our children died, I kept on having this fear that he'd leave me for a woman that didn't have a syndrome. He never did, instead Seth loved me more. This last year, as sick I have been, and let's face it, being sick does not equal beautiful. He would carry me, feed me, wash me, and love me through each wicked day. When I didn't have the will to live, I cried out to G-d to show me Himself. There would appear my husband, to wipe away each of my thousands of tears. When I look at Seth, I see the person I wish I could be. He truly acts as though a true follower of G-d. So many people that hate Christians for their Pius attitudes yet are hypocrites haven't met Seth. He is not perfect, nor would he ever claim to be, he just loves people. He wants to make everyone happy and that makes him happy. Today as we were getting ready to go to the ER, panic set into my fragile body. I was in the shower and I just began to sob. I felt his hand on my back and he gently rubbed my back and I blubbered my fears out. He held my hand in the car as we drove. He sat by my side as we waited for the doctors. He even tried to make me laugh as I am sitting in the bed on the verge of nervous break down as I am listening to people retching outside the door. I had prayed to G-d, to show Himself today and He did. We still don't know what is going on with my health, but we are being referred back to U of M (Dun dun dun DUN!) surprise. As I cried to Seth and apologized to him for wasting all of his hard earned money on endless doctor appts, hospital stays, surgeries, medicine, special food, etc. He just smiles and says, "I don't care about that. I just want you here with me." Looking at our home, or the clothes that we wear, van that we drive, piles of medical papers, you might look at us and think we aren't well to do. The truth is, I am rich. I am rich to have a G-d that loves me so much, who puts up with my continuous tantrums, bouts of distrust, the questions, the whining, yet He still sends me the most amazing man I could have ever have dreamed of. He is not just my husband, but he is truly my best friend. I have the most beautiful children, all 6 of them and I have been blessed enough to be called their Mom. I am loved by both sets of our parents, who have poured out their hearts by helping us in any way that they can. As well as friends, acquaintances, and even strangers who impact our lives in such amazing ways. While I hit really hard lows of self pity, anger, and despair, and "why me's" G-d always seems to send the right people in at the right time. I don't know why I haven't been healed yet, but I still believe that G-d could do it at any point and time. He may choose not to. Either way, I have been eating quite a bit of humble pie. Even though a good many days, satan convinces me I am so unlucky, unlovable, and I am being punished. There comes a delayed knock on the heart of my soul that show me through the looking glass, I am loved. Happy Anniversary Seth, I got to marry the love of my life, I have won the lottery of life. Whether it be for 12 years, 30 or 50, however long we live, we won the ultimate dream of finding our other halves. I thank the G-d of all hope, the G-d of Israel, the one true living G-d for providing this truth to me. All praise goes to our G-d, who on our darkest hours, will not forsake us.

Preschool

Since I have been open about all the things that are going on in our life, I want to make sure to evenly show the positive as well as the other. As many of you already know, due to all of my health issues we weren't able to sign Little Lady up for preschool back in Feb. I was just trying to get through one day at a time and really wasn't thinking about long term issues. So you can imagine the guilt I felt after trying to pursue preschools, only to be turned down due to how late we had applied. Little lady has been begging to go to school since I. had started kindergarten. Every day she would ask me when it would be her turn. She wouldn't whine, she'd just ask with her big puppy dog eyes. I have been calling and calling the schools, only to hear that the chances weren't good. That is until a couple of days ago! We thank the Good Lord for answering our prayers, because she is in! I will be having to drive her back and forth, so this is going to be a huge stretch for me. She will be going to a different school, so I am still trying to figure out how I am going to map all of this out between the two kids. I'm nervous as I already move slower than molasses in the morning due to my meds. I can't drink caffeine, so it's really hard for me to get going till about late afternoon. Since there is no second shift school (seriously, some one has to think this is a good idea?) I have dig deep and pray for energy. I even have started by taking my meds earlier in the evening, but still I just lay in bed drowsily but can't sleep. I Kelly, am a night owl. Yes, I am nocturnal. It could be my only explanation! I wake up every hour and then play the "1,2,3, SLEEP!" game. Seth could fall asleep with a train driving by our house. Me? I hear a spider sneeze and I am reply "bless you." Okay, since I am pretty much deaf, I can't, but you see where I am going;) So we are trying to turn my clock back around. Anyone have any non-caffeinated suggestions on how to turn this around?? So now I will be facing germaphobia head on. 2 kids in 2 different schools, looks like I am getting a crash course in germs and the full out knowledge of the non-existent control that I thought I had, all goes out the window. Considering Aria is our licker, well you get my drift (sigh). With my health still teetering I am forced to go back to the basics of trusting that G-d has my back. Needless to say, this is going to be a challenging year for me. I know long term for the kids, this is so important. They need to have this socialization, the structure, the every day normal life experience. For that I am grateful. I want my kids to look back on their childhood with happiness, not stifling sorrow. So, that's where we are at. I am getting together school schedules, back packs, and they are quite excited. You would have thought we had won the lottery the way we jumped around when we got the acceptance letter. I am asking for your continued prayers for healing, courage, peace, and wisdom as we enter into a new phase for us. This may seem ordinary to most, but for me, this is a challenge. As scared as I am, I am thrilled. I am thankful for each day that G-d reveals Himself to us in such amazing ways. I loved all of your feedback about the banking situation, it was so helpful. Today's question that I leave you with is, how do you change your sleeping habits? Any tips or would be helpful. I am so thankful for all of your prayers and encouragement. May the Lord bless you with a beautiful day.

I Need Your Input!

Our kids are getting to the age that they are figuring out what money is. Seth and I are in the process of trying to teach them how to save money. I want them to put it straight into the bank, I feel they are much to young to manage their money. Seth feels that having it in a piggy bank at home, will be more of an incentive. We are at a crossroads of what to do. What do/did you do to teach your kids/self how to save your money? Since I. is a little more CEO based, he tends to like to farm out the work on his little sis, I'd really like to teach him the value of hard work. I don't want money just to be handed over, I want him to really have to work for it because then he won't be apt to spend it so quickly. I have noticed at the store that impulse buying is going to be a vice for him. Any advertisement sitting out, he immediately is intrigued. This is new for him and Aria could care less at this moment. I don't want them to grow up being cheap, but I also don't want them to spend like crazy. What have you found worked/works to manage this fine line? I don't want them to feel like we are controlling their savings, but in a way, don't we have to? I realize that Seth and I could have never foreseen our future to be as it is, so I don't know that financially we could have saved for all that we have been through. Yet, I can't help but wonder if would have started when we were much younger that maybe we would have made wiser choices. I'd love your suggestions, we need them!

Birthday and Bikes!

I love summer. No rigid schedules to follow, just going with the flow and seeing where the day takes us (although some days I wonder if I did anything?). I have had a rough go for a while here, but I am trying hard to focus on all the great things that are happening around us. These past two days have been great! I felt well enough to put on my makeup and do up my hair! We were even fortunate enough to have a friend of ours watch our kids so we could do some errands! It cracks me up that our idea of a "date" consists right now of doing errands, but it works! Little Lady had her 4th birthday. She is a gracious thing. She isn't about getting stuff, she was so content to have what she had and didn't beg for more. Isaiah, Seth, and I surprised her by singing to her before she woke up. She sat up and squealed "Am I 4? For me?!" Seth prepared his famous french toast and realized that we were out of syrup and came up with the fancy idea of using Nutella instead! She was so excited. Her little voice squeaked all day with excitement. We were able to get together with some family who came across the Lake by ferry and that was quite a treat as well. Bubbe's older sister came with. Seth and I were so happy to see her, as she reminds us so much of Bubbe. It's hard to believe that 4 years ago Bubbe had been up with us at the hospital when Aria was born, and now that she has passed on, it meant that much more to see my Great Aunt. They brought over 4 generations of Ladies, so it was really fun. For the rest of the day we hung out with our little family. I tire easy, so My Little Ponies took over our house. We decided to go for our evening walk and were watching Isaiah just flying up and down the block on his scooter. Seth and I decided it was time to take his training wheels off of his bike. The last time we did this I knew he wasn't ready. This time I explained that it's like balancing on his scooter and that he probably would fall, but that it'd be okay. Isaiah is a lot like me, he has be to be comfortable with the idea of something and you can't push him. So off we went to a church parking lot. We took off the wheels and expected him to take a while to get his footing, so we waited while holding our breath. There were other kids across the lot, so I was wondering if that would make him be a little gun shy, but that wasn't the case. He hoped on, fiddled with the pedals and took off like a shot! He rode a good distance as we all squealed jumping up and down! Our little man is quite the professor, but things like this are harder for him, so we were thrilled. Aria was a bit upset that she didn't have the same success, but we know she won't be far behind. It was all pretty great! After having some really hard days, I sure welcomed these bright and beautiful moments to be able to participate in. I was recently asked to re evaluate my reasonings for blogging. I have been deep in thought about this question. So I guess I am on that journey and I will see where it takes me. In the meantime, it's time to start preparing for school to start. They both have grown so much this summer. Isaiah is writing, adding and subtracting, and now swimming with ease. It'll be strange to have Isaiah gone all day in 1st grade. We are STILL waiting to hear back about Aria's preschool. She asks every now and then if she gets to go. She is reading quite well and the girl is fast! She is really coming into her own and has everyone saying what a "ray of light" she really is. On some other positive news, I have gained some weight back! I never thought I'd be happy about that, but here I am! I think the botox is helping (by the grace of G-d!) and I am hoping it will last long enough for me to learn how to relax without the help of it. Stress is a huge factor in my stomach issues, so I really am praying I am able to find proper ways to filter my stress than by tensing up so much. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. I have been learning more and more about leaning on others in times of trouble and not feeling ashamed about asking for help. So pride has left the building and I just ask for your prayers and support. Your encouragement means so much to us and we can't thank you enough. We'll I should get back to my munchkins, until next time!

A Good Day

As always, I am long over due for an update. I probably have lost half my readers due to my lack of keeping up (oops). However, I am trying hard to be live in the moment with my kids, so the computer has been taking the back burner;) I am still recovering from the botox, for the gastroparesis. They speculate if it works (it's still up in the air how effective it is, and how long it lasts for) it should take a couple of weeks before I really see a difference. Sedation and the injections tend to slow me down for a while, so hopefully soon! This time, I am praying for courage. I really need to add food more variety to my diet. My last injection (back in Feb.) allowed me to introduce bread and some pureed meat, this time, my hope is for more variety, especially veges or some new spices. I so miss Thai, Chinese, and Mexican the most. My sniffer makes up for all of my other issues, so restaurants are really hard for me to go in. I take one whiff and start drooling like a St. Bernard! I have tried to go out once with the family (since it's been almost a year!) I ordered plain chicken. The waiter kept on asking me if I wanted more sides, condiments, fruit and just looked plain perplexed when I didn't. He kept on bringing piles of hot fries that I so desperately wanted to dive into. It got to the point I just wanted to throw the fries on the floor and do the Cha Cha on them. To say the least, it was a difficult experience. I was happy for the kids and Seth, but it pushed me passed my disciplines self. Now with the botox, I am hoping to be brave and try a bite here and there of some new foods, even if it is just one bite. I know it sounds ridiculous, but trust me, one bite can send me into a tailspin. With all the grills lit up everywhere and fresh vege. spreads, it's hard not to cry. Isaiah smelled a grill (turns out this is his first year he can actually smell, due to his allergies) For now, I have to let that go, as I need to focus on getting my calories with the best of nutrition I can and try to gain some healthy weight. In the meantime, the kids are trying all sort of things that I would have loved to indulged with them. They are eating broccoli, red bell peppers ( I think I miss these two the most) berries, melon, and now I am trying to persuade them to try avocado! They both are growing fast. They both seemed to have had several growth spurts in the last 6 months. Isaiah is showing quite an interest in swimming. He was mesmerized by the Olympic swimming and immediately said "Mom, someday I want to do that," he sounded so serious. I told him if he practiced really hard, he could, and his eyes lit up like the 4th of July. Thankfully, we have several people that are close to us that have pools, so he has been practicing like crazy. He and Aria are both jumping off the diving board! We have them wear life vests, just until I feel they can swim stronger since they haven't had real lessons. Still, they are having so much fun and that is all that matters! Isaiah is really loving math and is practicing his writing. He loves doing flash cards and is eager to learn. Aria, is growing and becoming more and more fearless. I am thinking she is part monkey, the way she climbs anything and everything. She is reading on her own, and is quite the social butterfly. She is quite the ray of light. We are still waiting to hear back about preschool, which she has her heart set on going. We celebrated Isaiah's birthday, to which Lego's have now been introduced to our household (dramatic sigh). I have to say I am thrilled to see Isaiah using his imagination, but those pieces are so tiny! Aria's birthday is coming up and she is thrilled! I think this is the first year she really understands what is going on. Last year, I was to sick to be able to do a party for her, so we are hoping things go better this year. She loves My Little Ponies and Strawberry Shortcake (the new ones), fairies and princesses. They are a bit different from what I grew up with. The My Little Ponies have a bit to much magic for my taste, but the Strawberry Shortcake is adorable! She is so girly in certain ways, but still will roll in the dirt with the best of them. My health still isn't where it needs to be, but I am praying this year I'll be able to get them both out on more play dates. They both have been so patient and sweet in not being able to really go anywhere, unless I have a doctor's appt, or the hospital. They have seen so much, too much, and I really hope this year is so much better for all of us. We really want to join a small group in church, but it's so hard to know where my health stands and I don't want to join, just to have to quit, yet MISS community! We heard a service this week on the importance of being in community and it plucked at my heart strings. I miss being with friends and just being silly and shooting the breeze! I think it make us better parents too. For now, I am trying my darndest to be in the moment and not think so far ahead. I was talking to a health worker that I go to, who is never seems to be happy with the weather or the gas prices, etc. Believe you me, I think we all need to vent, we all have our good and bad days. This guy is unique. I just looked at him and said, "after having my health take a dive, I'm just happy to be alive. There is always going to money and weather issues, but every day is a gift." I was surprised I even said it. I didn't want to make him feel bad, but even I need the reminder, we can't take a moment for granted. Even when the kids are not obeying, the medical bills keep on coming in, the car is making weird noises, this person is didn't live up to my expectations, etc.... Then you flip on the news and hear about the latest car accident, some person that is fighting for their life, the poverty, well you get the picture, and all of the sudden it hits me, I'm thankful to be alive. Every now and then I get a twang of wishing we could have had more children, especially the last few months, and I am quickly reminded of the two that are running around. I am blessed, they are enough. I still struggle each day with my health issues, some days I just break down from the lack of food and energy and just lose it. I wonder if I'll ever enjoy life again, and as I cry out to G-d, He sends a reminder in unique way each time. While watching so many of my friends be able to go on vacation, we have had to stay behind. It's been hard, as I'd love to take my kids up to the lake, go camping, or just travel, but for now we have to stay close to home. We were offered the opportunity to stay at my in-laws house to house sit! So I have now dubbed it, our "staycation!" Even though Seth is still working (at least he has a job!) it's just fun to pretend it's a hotel and hang out. It's just a nice change of pace. My kids love the library and Isaiah is trying hard to master his scooter, while Aria is practicing her bike tricks. They know I am slow, yet they are thrilled just have me cheer them on at each new bit of progress. I just love being included and when I am having a good day, to be able to participate. My new favorite thing? Errands! Sounds silly, I know, but for me, it's progress to be able to pick up my own prescription, or just picking up bread! It's the little things that make my day. It's going to be an adjustment for Isaiah being in school full time. I know he is ready, but it's all just happening so fast. I remember being a kid and always hearing my parents say, "enjoy where you are now, because before you know it, you have to grow up." Isn't that the truth? I find myself starting out sentences with "kids these days.." Oy. Yesterday, I had a busy day and I felt useful, Thank you Lord. I felt useful.... I encourage you to do what I struggle with, living in the moment. Try not to think about all that lies ahead, just be. That's my challenge for myself each day, but this week especially. The summer has flown by fast, so I am hoping to soak up some sunny rays and just chill out (gasp!). So, that is my update for now. I love boring!! The kids are playing are content just to play with us. Before long they'll be grown and have their own lives. It's amazing to hear what my 94 year old Grandmother loves to talk about, her kids being young. It never ceases to amaze me how much she remembers with quite the details (I wish I had known while I was growing up) and you can just see her light up. Her childhood and her kids childhood, interesting. I get overwhelmed with all the technology that we have to keep up with and sometimes I feel like things are just so complicated to make life easier? Oh well, I'm rambling. Today we had rain, with the sun playing peek a boo, it's just all so beautiful. It really is. We appreciate all of your support and please keep us in your prayers. I truly believe one of these days I am going to announce I'm better! Until then, please keep us in your prayers. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

He Said...

As you have noticed, I haven't updated in a while. Since my surgery, I have been dealing from a rough recovery. We can only speculate what has caused such a chain reaction of issues. I won't go into all that has been happening, it's not important at this point. What I do know is I have been trying my hardest to be present in the moment and push myself to do things, even when I am not feeling well. In that I was able to cheer Isaiah on at soccer camp, celebrate his 6th birthday, and play with the kids in the pool. Priceless. I really truly believe there is an unseen battle that we ourselves can't see between good and evil. I am still trying to come to grips with the saying that feelings aren't fact. Even then pushing a little further to G-d's truth is what I have to cling to, no matter how awful I feel. This, my dear friends, is something I am really struggling to learn and put into action. I know the stories, I have seen miracles, and yet, I can't understand why I am not yet healed. Since the surgery, my eating has dwindled down. I first attributed it to the disruption to my body and even the extreme heat. With all of the pain I have been experiencing, the doctor keeps on saying that I can't take pain meds and that I just have to go through it. So each day I have been trying to get dressed, put on my makeup, and show up when I can. Acupuncture has been a huge help for me. Unfortunately it is not covered by insurance, so I can't go any time I want. I have noticed the full feeling has returned. After eating it feels as though someone is stepping on my throat and it's hard to breathe. It's torture, I am so stinkin' hungry and yet I can't hardly eat. After dealing with this for about a week, I finally considered the fact that maybe the botox was helping more than I realized and that I need another round. I have been putting it off due to fact that is a toxin that is being put into my body. Not only do you have to be aware of the risks of the procedure, but also I have not done well with the recovery. My system is ultra sensitive to any new thing, and the last 2 times I have had botox, it's been a nightmare afterwards. So we had to look at the big picture. G-d heals people every day through medicine and maybe this is just what I have to do for now. We are scheduled to go to U of M tomorrow (this Friday) for another round. It's set for 10:45 for us to be there, so I am not sure when the actual procedure will take place. We are asking for very specific prayers. First, for safety driving, for the kids and their grandparents who are watching them, also that this procedure would bring the relief that I need with NO adverse reactions and that I would be able to safely eat again. We are also praying for peace, as I tend to get easily fearful and anxious. In the past, recovering from the anesthesia has been an on going issue, along with botox, is a great amount of pain/issues several days to a week afterwards. I tend to drop weight quickly and it's difficult for Seth and the kids to see. I am struggling. Still, I cling to knowledge of truth, that G-d is by my side. Even when I can't see Him or feel Him. I have a friend of mine who calls me the modern day Job. I wouldn't say I am blameless, as I have led a far from perfect life, but I do cling to what He said. We get often asked how we have made it through all that we have gone through, it is without a question, our faith in G-d. Some days my faith is weak and barely a speck, while others I feel as though I can feel Him next to me. Either way, I cling to what He has said, "Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you..." Even though some days, especially more frequently in the last year, I cry out to Him "Where Are YOU!?!" Why is all of this happening? Why would you take my children, bless me with more children, just to allow me to get sick? It's cruel! No answer comes, and I cry for a while. Then He tends to send people whether it be my Sethy, my kids, a friend, a family member, or even a stranger, and He seems to reveal Himself. It's not obvious, but it's a morsel for me to pick me up and help me get going for some more time. Lately I have been going to prayer gatherings and asking questions I have been to ashamed to ask, expressing feelings I am embarrassed to admit, and I have been received with love. It has been shocking on my part to watch everyone else lower there masks and reveal to me, that they too are struggling. It's hard for me to be vulnerable, yet, it's where I am at. It's in my DNA to not stuff things, I physically cannot do it. I have tried so hard to conform to "the right way" of how to express myself, and I just can't do it. G-d did not make me this way. I am learning that this is who G-d made me to be, and I that I bring something different to the table, and that's okay. We have been learning about spiritual warfare, and I feel that the enemy has my name at the top of his slithery list. How he loves to tangle me in his web of lies during each crisis that I face. I often now think of Shadrack, Meshach, and Abendigo, as they walked through the fire. I find myself asking the Lord, how many times do I have to walk through the fire? Or David, a man after G-d's own heart? I had just assumed that he had unwavering faith, only to learn, he too cried out. I don't know why all of this is happening, but I do know that without the belief of my Lord and all of the things He has said, then I have no hope. While it seems more time than not lately, I am being faced with so much opposition, I cry out and say "I still believe in you, even when I can't see or feel you. Even when I feel so low, you are still worthy to be praised." I am so thankful for those around me, who have stuck by our sides through out all of this, no matter how depressing things have gotten. I am so thankful for the words of encouragement that always seem to come on the days when I have run out. I am thankful that G-d works through people, even when they don't know it. He is the G-d of all hope. Even though each day I fail to live up to what I think I should be doing, I am reassured to know, He still loves me. Frankly if I was Him, I don't think I could handle all the rejections and demands that He endures on a second by second basis. Thankfully He is bigger, He stronger, and either way, He will get me through all of this. I am thankful He blesses us with people to go to when we have hit a wall, walked off the path, or just feel darkness. I truly believe He is going to heal me, no matter how long it takes. I won't stop believing that, I won't stop asking for prayer, because I believe He does this to draw us back to Him. I have been playing the radio a lot lately and there is a song that has hit me to the core, maybe you need to hear this too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=HZLsA8YP-6g

Please pray for me and my family over this next week especially. May you pray for peace, safety, healing, and that I could truly remember what He said....
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

Post Surgery

I apologize at the delay of this post, I haven't been well enough to write. I went ahead with the surgery and it has been pretty much a very difficult recovery. We don't know if it was the anesthesia, a nausea patch (if they offer it to you, say NO!) with horrible side effects, my already sensitive system being disrupted, a pinched nerve, or all of the above. I have had really awful side effects that have little relief. Most of of these issues can be remedied by NSAIDS, but I am not allowed to take them. Due to all of the pain, which listing off all areas would be a page in itself, I have had nausea that has been interrupting eating and has caused more weight loss. We tried some holistic methods which has helped a little. I finally tried a meditation thingy that my friend from the West Coast sent me, and that seemed to help as well. I declared to Seth, I am getting a yoga mat and I am determined to learn meditation/yoga. I know it sounds silly, but I find it so hard to clear my mind. The more I try to not think, the more thoughts pour in. I guess it's practice for me. I think Isaiah could benefit from this as well, since I have noticed he has my anxious tendencies. But for now, I have got to give it a try. I could go into an hour long rant of how hard this past week has been and every detail, but I'd rather not think about it anymore than I have to. The kids are loving the hot weather and are completely obsessed with fireworks, just like their Dad. I haven't hardly been able to think, talk, let alone leave the house this last week. We were blessed enough to have our super awesome parents and friends pitch in and take the kids each day. I am so grateful, I didn't want them to see me cry or curled up in a ball. Instead they spent their time pool hopping, sprinkler jumping, baking cookies, visiting a horse stable (Super impressed Chele!), and finally getting to play with some kids like kids should be able to. I have noticed all of this action has really bonded the kids together, not that they wouldn't sell each other for a cool toy like most kids would. To top that all off, Seth bought a box of sparklers that he lets them light off one every few days. It's warmed my heart to see them so happy to be with others and to be just having fun like they deserve. I can't wait for me to be feeling better so I can join in on the action. The last two nights I have been forcing myself to take a walk outside to help with the pain. As the sun was going down I noticed fireflies starting to spark. Isaiah and Aria tell me at least once a day, how they miss me being fun (talk about a punch in the gut) when we used to play together. One particular fire fly was hovering by our door and I put my arm out to see if it would land on me, and it did! Bugs love me for some odd reason. I cupped it in my hand and brought it into the house to show the kids. It cracks me up to see how interested Aria is with insects. She always wants to hold them, so I brought it in and set it on her hand. She was in total awe, but the bug wouldn't light up. Isaiah is very compassionate about any living being and is always worried it's going to die, so I suggested to take them out in the back yard to see all the fireflies lit up. This is my idea of spontaneity, letting the kids go outside in their jammies. They of course, squealed with glee and ran around while bouncing around. I kept on trying to point out the bugs, but I think they were more caught up with being out in the dark. I remember being at my grandparents house and they'd let us run outside in a field down the street. It wasn't huge, but we loved it. I thought about our field across the street and suggested that we let them run there to see all the bugs lighting up. I was a bit hesitant at first, but Seth reminded me how much fun they would have, even if for 5 minutes. He was right. They ran like crazy mice scurrying here and there in no time flat. I'm going to have to look for some glass jars so they can reap the rewards of their catch. Out of the whole awful week, that 20 minutes gave me some simplistic joy I had longed to be a part of. I had decided it had been way to long since I had laughed when the idea dawned on me to do something I never do, I can't believe I am even admitting it. I watched America's Funniest Home Videos. I haven't watched it in years, since Bob Saget was on. I laughed so hard. There were really only a few that made me laugh, but those couple made it worth it. When I am not feeling well, it's almost like a black hole. All the light gets sucked up into this deep abyss, so it was so nice to be able to enjoy that light and truly just to smile. I am trying hard to push myself out of my comfort zone, to promote healing. Each moment is a conscious battle to push beyond what I can do. All those years I had, taking for granted the everyday simplicities of doing laundry, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, the boring stuff. I just did it without thinking and it was boring, not hard. I keep on praying for the day when my health will be restored, I just cling to that hope, I have to. I am asking for some heavy duty prayers, that my health would be restored and that I could eat normally again, without any pain. Even though a year has passed since all of this has started, it's still very difficult for me and my family. Sometimes I feel as though we have been forgotten. Let's face it, out of sight, out of mind. I have fallen off the social radar and that has been very difficult for all of us. It made me that much more grateful to have the help from others, not just because of the kids, but also to remind me that I haven't been forgotten. I don't think I'll ever truly be able to express my gratitude to those of you who have reached out, even though it may seem that I may not notice, I really do. I am beyond grateful. I keep on thinking, Savior, You can move the mountain. My G-d is mighty to save, He is mighty to save. I am going to get better, I just have to. Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed.

10 and 1

As many of you may already know, it was our first daughter's birthday on Thursday. She would have been 10! The night before we pulled out her baby book and 2 of her movie montages. The kids surprisingly were very excited to see. They climbed up right beside us and actually oohed and aahed over each picture. Seth and I were so taken aback at their deep intrigue of their big sister. We ended up pulling out her little dress, bonnet, and socks. We tried to explain her baby doll size by laying the clothing in their arms, you could tell they were able to understand a bit more by the look in their eyes. We then pulled out the movie montages when Aria broke out into uncontrollable sobbing. A good friend of ours, who had lost her 2nd child and then went on to have 8 more. She told me that her 1st child relived the trauma for a while. As for the others that followed after she died, she told me that each child grieved in their own way. One child in particular responded the way Aria did. I was kind of shocked at her response, but was reassured that it was perfectly normal. One thing about life is, it's not a pretty package. While I believe it's good to try to protect our children from unnecessary exposure, there is a fine line of balance. If you shelter them to much, they won't be prepared for the real world that sometimes is forced into their lives, such as the death of a loved one. Change is inevitable. They don't realize that Aurora was cremated. I just think that's much to graphic to deal with, even I still struggle with it. Isaiah is picking up on the burial site, but I think he still doesn't fully grasp what it means. At this time, I don't feel they need to know just yet, so we just tell them it's where we go to remember them. I know the time is coming soon for Isaiah, since the child is deeply interested in non-fiction books that tend to always include life cycles, so he knows something is up. Still, it was a precious time that I will cherish for the rest of my life. We tucked them into bed with tears in our eyes of gratefulness. These kids mean so much to us, they have no clue how important they are. We talked about Heaven, we tried to capture the joy and beauty of what is to come, so there was no room for fear. We explained Aurora and Elijah could be some of the first people that they will see and how they will hug them and show them all the beauty that awaits them. They went from tears of sadness to giggles of glee, it was quite heart warming. The next morning they chattered on and on about Eli and Aurora and were quite excited to go to the flower store and pick out some baby pink spray roses for big sis. They have been watching the flowers bloom with great anticipation. Every couple of months we go to their grave and switch out decorations. We replaced the plaques for a pink and blue glass looking butterflies. The mausoleum is pretty strict about fresh flowers during the summer months. They tend to draw in more flies and it makes quite the mess, so this year we got a butterfly balloon. I just never can quite bring myself to by a Happy Birthday balloon, so it worked out just fine. We ended up being able to drive out to the beach and watch the sunset as a beautiful Aurora Skye rolled in. Beautiful pinks, purples, and colors swirled around almost as if Aurora got to paint it to let us know she was close by. We chatted about what she'd be doing (I'm guessing we'd be bordering on being uncool) and how full our house would be with all of our children, how different our lives would be (probably not The Sound of Music by any means). I used to avoid talking to people about their children who were Eli and Rory's age. It was much to painful to hear about all the things we were missing out on. Now, I find it a joy. I love hearing about what other 10 and almost 8 year olds are interested in. It gives me an idea of what they both might have been like. Those that are close to us, know that we openly discuss our kids. While it is so painful that they aren't with us, we are filled will great honor that G-d entrusted us with His children, even for a short time. We are honored to be able to share our story to help others in their time of need, whatever that might look like. I feel compassion in a way I never did. I still don't know why it had to be that way, but we are able to see that what was a such a grievous time for us, can bring glory to G-d while shaping us in a way only He can do. When people ask me how we got through it all, I can only say, by the grace of our Lord. Honestly, if I had had it my way, I would have died with them. While a part of me did, G-d cultivated a newness in my heart that I had never had before. You always hear the term, "out of these ashes, beauty will rise." I get it now. If you know someone who has just lost a loved one, please do not enforce this realization on them. It takes time, a lot of time, to get to this place. It doesn't make our loss any less painful, it just gives us hope in greater things to come. For us, it doesn't matter how your child died, any way you look at it, it is sheer agony. Whether it be a miscarriage, still born, a baby, a toddler, a young child, a teenager, and adult, they are still your baby no matter what. I miss my little girl, I can only imagine who she'd be today. Would she have let me grow her hair long so that I could do fancy do's ? Would she be a mother hen, or more carefree? Did she have her Daddy's dimples? So many questions I still have, so much longing in my heart to know. So, like G-d has been teaching me all along, I must be patient. I feel blessed to have two children who embrace siblings that they have never met. I feel blessed to have friends and family who have walked our same path and some that haven't, helped carry us through. I feel grateful to G-d for opening up paths for us, that if it weren't for Him, we never would have seen. I don't know what it is about dates that make things so final. The 23rd marked exactly 1 year since my health took a wild turn. Of course it wouldn't be till August that we realized it was gastroparesis, but it's a date I will never forget. I miss food so much. Sometimes I wonder if it happened to teach me to cope with life through prayer and not by eating, because food was my coping skill. I still cling to the hope that I will get better, again, patience. Going through the deaths of our children, our apartment burning down, my husband's work burning down, a diagnosis for my child, and GP has all had one deep connecting point, life is hard. There are no guarantees for tomorrow, we aren't as in control as we think, and each day is a gift. I won't tell you to just smile and be okay with it, that isn't how G-d wired us. I believe we go through these things to learn who is really in control, to truly rest in Him because things get messy. Even though I know all these things, I am still nervous about my surgery tomorrow. I know that each thing happens for a reason, but it doesn't make pain any more bearable when going through it. So I am on journey to learn to really be grateful to my creator for good and bad circumstances. It's easy to rejoice when things are going great, but it can be really hard to praise Him when everything is falling apart. Sometimes I get the thought in my head that maybe He forgot about me, or is trying to punish me. I just read in a book about praising G-d in all circumstances because it shifts your focus to the truth, without Him, we are nothing, we have no hope. While the words are easy to read, it's extremely difficult to put into practice, especially when times are hard. I have been struggling this last year in the physical sense, harder than I have ever had deal with. I feel like war has broken out in my body and now I have to teach it to make peace. Since Isaiah has been home from school it has been another challenge, how to keep 2 kids busy when I am so slow. Instead of leaping to the what if's of the week to come, I have to try to keep my focus on the present moment at hand. I have been trying to go on short walks with them, go to the store, go to church, you know, everyday things that I used to never think twice about. The kids begged Seth to pull our bikes down. I thought they were nuts to even think I'd get on that thing. Then Seth challenged me to try. I looked at him like he had flown the coop. The last time I rode my bike was 2 years ago. I actually rode right into the mailbox and scratched up my leg. Pretty embarrassing. I told him I didn't remember how. He just smiled and said "once you have done it, you'll never forget." In my mind I thought "your nuts!" To appease him, I agreed. We got on the bikes and road down the street. The wind was on my face and I felt a freedom I haven't felt in a year. I felt youthful. I felt alive! As each corner approached I'd wobble back and forth while Seth cheered me on. We didn't go far, but when I got off the bike I couldn't stop smiling. Isaiah got to ride with us, with Aria in tow. They thought it was a hoot! It took a lot out of me, but it felt good to try something different. Each day that I have a good day, we try that much harder to make the most of it. If things weren't changing enough, Aria grew out of her toddler bed. Some great friends of ours, who are like family to us, gave us a bed for Aria. She is super excited because it was their daughters bed, so that made it especially cool. I know it was time, but it was weird to think the next time we have a crib up, it'll be for our grandchildren. For every ending, there is a new beginning. I have been praying for a season of restoration, for healing. Now that I have just rambled for an hour, I am asking for prayers for tomorrow. I am having surgery with general anesthetic and in the past, it's been pretty rough. Also, since having GP I can't take pain meds, so I am really praying that I'd have a quick recovery. Thank you all for your continued prayers, I believe G-d is answering our prayers, even though I tend to get quite impatient. Please hold us in your prayers and I will update as soon as I am feeling better. Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed.

Upcoming

I wanted to be sure to add some updates. Things have been a bit busier at home, now that Isaiah doesn't have school. I have noticed that he misses the busyness of school along with all of his friends. I am realizing how much I need to be establishing some type of a schedule for all of us. Last week was nuts, and pretty much for the next few, it will continue. Due my health issues, I gotten used to being at home. While it is a lovely safe place for me, I'm bored. Last week I finally ventured out on my own to mall and to the store. While they were very brief stints, I felt like a teenager who just got their drivers license. I turned up the music a little bit louder than usual (Rocking out in a mini van, totally cool) and was able to go at my own speed in the store (turtles probably walk faster) but I had a good time. We have Aurora's 10th birthday coming up on the 21st. We have been day dreaming of who she'd be today, what she might look like, and what her latest interests would be. A decade has gone by and it's weird, I am still not used to her being gone. Years ago, I had promised her I would get everyone together and celebrate her birthday, but with all that is happening, Seth felt it would be to stressful for me. I still am scheduled for botox on her day, and we are praying that I won't need it. So, if you could say some extra prayers that I wouldn't need to have it, I'd so appreciate it! If we don't go to U of M, Seth and I have decided to go on a date night. We haven't done much of these lately and when we do, we just stick around the house. My hope is for us to be able to go to the beach and watch the sunset and see an "Aurora Skye Sky!" That is the hope, but if not, then we'll roll with it. The kids are grasping more and more the idea of having another brother and sister that they can't see. They are asking questions and we are trying our best to explain. I have got to load some pictures up as so many things are happening. I am also scheduled to have surgery next week with full sedation, so I am trying my hardest not to let my nerves get the best of me. On the 23rd it will have been exactly one year since GP entered my life. It's been a wild year of crazy ups and downs. I honestly didn't think I would make it this far, so it's been quite bittersweet. I'll try to update soon, as always asking for continued prayers of healing and peace. Grace and Peace.

With Hope

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to post. Traveling tuckers me out. I'll just cover the basics, since we all know medical jargon can be quite complicated. After waiting close to 3 hours for our appointment we finally met with the doctor. He seemed more irked about me cancelling my scheduled botox treatment. I have been having a little more issues eating lately, so it's up in the air if it is stress related or that the botox is wearing off. I have been trying to do more self positive affirmations, since I tend to be a realist. Being real is great, but it can take you down roads that aren't so good if you let it. Seth piped in and asked firmly about the manometry. The long crazy wait for a crazy test! We have anxiously been awaiting this for so long, this mystery test that is supposed to give us big leads rights?! Instead he casually had the PA pull up the test and said that it looked better than he had expected along with a long explanation of what the test was looking for. We had little understanding of all he listed off, so I just looked at him point blank and said "So am I getting better??" He spewed out more jargon, where upon I restated my question. I then stared at him and said "Am I getting better? Any improvement? Anything!" He reluctantly said "You're holding your own." I replied "So that's good, right? Please give me some hope!" I flashed one of my cutesy smiles and probably looked like a puppy at the pound trying to lure in a new owner. He sighed and chuckled a little bit (I try to do ice breakers!) and said, "Okay, you are doing better." After going through the manometry explanation I asked him if he thought the botox would have caused any possible false readings. He said it was possible. In my mind I am thinking "are you nuts! I went through that miserable test just to have a maybe?!" We figured there was no point in beating a dead horse any longer and to just drop it. When being weighed, I was at the same weight I was at the last visit. I was disappointed. I was hoping that I had gained since then, and was pretty shocked to see I hadn't. He said now he would be watching me to see how I trend. From a medical standpoint, botox is in your system for approximately 6 months. For each person it varies how long it works. Like I said, my eating has slowed down a bit and I am just hoping it is the stress of all that has been going on and that it has nothing to do with the botox. He rescheduled another round on June 21st, Aurora's 10th birthday. Not exactly the way that I wanted to spend such important day. I had even debated about having a small birthday party for my special little girl's double digit birthday. It's hard enough knowing she isn't alive to enjoy her day, but for me to be having a procedure, it's a bit much. So please pray that I wouldn't need to have this done. I am praying that regardless of how clinical his report is, that my progress would continue to trend upwards and that I'd be on my way to healing and that I won't need anymore botox. I know G-d heals me through medicine all the time, but well, you know.... He really didn't have much to add after that. I was relieved to hear that he is putting all testing on hold, since my reports are not stating anything obvious. PRAISE THE LORD!! We asked if my diagnosis was still gastroparesis, his reply was, we treat the symptoms. Seriously, the dude is a riddle. I am still listed as high complexity and he said he wants to keep an eye on me for a while. It wasn't much, but it left us feeling hopeful and that's just what we prayed for. I am praying that my healing is more present than I realize. I have been struggling a great deal with depression throughout all of this. I feel guilty, instead of signing our kids up for karate and gymnastics, we have medical bills. I am really hoping that I am able to heal this summer. I want so much to be able to take the kids to the park, bike riding, play dates, the library, anything! They need the socialization just as much as we do, and boy do we need it! Even though the doctor wasn't full of wealth of super positive charged news, I am still choosing to look at it with hope. I am going to get better. I am a fighter and I have a lot to fight for. I just ask that your prayers would continue for healing and peace.