He Said...

As you have noticed, I haven't updated in a while. Since my surgery, I have been dealing from a rough recovery. We can only speculate what has caused such a chain reaction of issues. I won't go into all that has been happening, it's not important at this point. What I do know is I have been trying my hardest to be present in the moment and push myself to do things, even when I am not feeling well. In that I was able to cheer Isaiah on at soccer camp, celebrate his 6th birthday, and play with the kids in the pool. Priceless. I really truly believe there is an unseen battle that we ourselves can't see between good and evil. I am still trying to come to grips with the saying that feelings aren't fact. Even then pushing a little further to G-d's truth is what I have to cling to, no matter how awful I feel. This, my dear friends, is something I am really struggling to learn and put into action. I know the stories, I have seen miracles, and yet, I can't understand why I am not yet healed. Since the surgery, my eating has dwindled down. I first attributed it to the disruption to my body and even the extreme heat. With all of the pain I have been experiencing, the doctor keeps on saying that I can't take pain meds and that I just have to go through it. So each day I have been trying to get dressed, put on my makeup, and show up when I can. Acupuncture has been a huge help for me. Unfortunately it is not covered by insurance, so I can't go any time I want. I have noticed the full feeling has returned. After eating it feels as though someone is stepping on my throat and it's hard to breathe. It's torture, I am so stinkin' hungry and yet I can't hardly eat. After dealing with this for about a week, I finally considered the fact that maybe the botox was helping more than I realized and that I need another round. I have been putting it off due to fact that is a toxin that is being put into my body. Not only do you have to be aware of the risks of the procedure, but also I have not done well with the recovery. My system is ultra sensitive to any new thing, and the last 2 times I have had botox, it's been a nightmare afterwards. So we had to look at the big picture. G-d heals people every day through medicine and maybe this is just what I have to do for now. We are scheduled to go to U of M tomorrow (this Friday) for another round. It's set for 10:45 for us to be there, so I am not sure when the actual procedure will take place. We are asking for very specific prayers. First, for safety driving, for the kids and their grandparents who are watching them, also that this procedure would bring the relief that I need with NO adverse reactions and that I would be able to safely eat again. We are also praying for peace, as I tend to get easily fearful and anxious. In the past, recovering from the anesthesia has been an on going issue, along with botox, is a great amount of pain/issues several days to a week afterwards. I tend to drop weight quickly and it's difficult for Seth and the kids to see. I am struggling. Still, I cling to knowledge of truth, that G-d is by my side. Even when I can't see Him or feel Him. I have a friend of mine who calls me the modern day Job. I wouldn't say I am blameless, as I have led a far from perfect life, but I do cling to what He said. We get often asked how we have made it through all that we have gone through, it is without a question, our faith in G-d. Some days my faith is weak and barely a speck, while others I feel as though I can feel Him next to me. Either way, I cling to what He has said, "Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you..." Even though some days, especially more frequently in the last year, I cry out to Him "Where Are YOU!?!" Why is all of this happening? Why would you take my children, bless me with more children, just to allow me to get sick? It's cruel! No answer comes, and I cry for a while. Then He tends to send people whether it be my Sethy, my kids, a friend, a family member, or even a stranger, and He seems to reveal Himself. It's not obvious, but it's a morsel for me to pick me up and help me get going for some more time. Lately I have been going to prayer gatherings and asking questions I have been to ashamed to ask, expressing feelings I am embarrassed to admit, and I have been received with love. It has been shocking on my part to watch everyone else lower there masks and reveal to me, that they too are struggling. It's hard for me to be vulnerable, yet, it's where I am at. It's in my DNA to not stuff things, I physically cannot do it. I have tried so hard to conform to "the right way" of how to express myself, and I just can't do it. G-d did not make me this way. I am learning that this is who G-d made me to be, and I that I bring something different to the table, and that's okay. We have been learning about spiritual warfare, and I feel that the enemy has my name at the top of his slithery list. How he loves to tangle me in his web of lies during each crisis that I face. I often now think of Shadrack, Meshach, and Abendigo, as they walked through the fire. I find myself asking the Lord, how many times do I have to walk through the fire? Or David, a man after G-d's own heart? I had just assumed that he had unwavering faith, only to learn, he too cried out. I don't know why all of this is happening, but I do know that without the belief of my Lord and all of the things He has said, then I have no hope. While it seems more time than not lately, I am being faced with so much opposition, I cry out and say "I still believe in you, even when I can't see or feel you. Even when I feel so low, you are still worthy to be praised." I am so thankful for those around me, who have stuck by our sides through out all of this, no matter how depressing things have gotten. I am so thankful for the words of encouragement that always seem to come on the days when I have run out. I am thankful that G-d works through people, even when they don't know it. He is the G-d of all hope. Even though each day I fail to live up to what I think I should be doing, I am reassured to know, He still loves me. Frankly if I was Him, I don't think I could handle all the rejections and demands that He endures on a second by second basis. Thankfully He is bigger, He stronger, and either way, He will get me through all of this. I am thankful He blesses us with people to go to when we have hit a wall, walked off the path, or just feel darkness. I truly believe He is going to heal me, no matter how long it takes. I won't stop believing that, I won't stop asking for prayer, because I believe He does this to draw us back to Him. I have been playing the radio a lot lately and there is a song that has hit me to the core, maybe you need to hear this too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=HZLsA8YP-6g

Please pray for me and my family over this next week especially. May you pray for peace, safety, healing, and that I could truly remember what He said....
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.