Post Surgery

I apologize at the delay of this post, I haven't been well enough to write. I went ahead with the surgery and it has been pretty much a very difficult recovery. We don't know if it was the anesthesia, a nausea patch (if they offer it to you, say NO!) with horrible side effects, my already sensitive system being disrupted, a pinched nerve, or all of the above. I have had really awful side effects that have little relief. Most of of these issues can be remedied by NSAIDS, but I am not allowed to take them. Due to all of the pain, which listing off all areas would be a page in itself, I have had nausea that has been interrupting eating and has caused more weight loss. We tried some holistic methods which has helped a little. I finally tried a meditation thingy that my friend from the West Coast sent me, and that seemed to help as well. I declared to Seth, I am getting a yoga mat and I am determined to learn meditation/yoga. I know it sounds silly, but I find it so hard to clear my mind. The more I try to not think, the more thoughts pour in. I guess it's practice for me. I think Isaiah could benefit from this as well, since I have noticed he has my anxious tendencies. But for now, I have got to give it a try. I could go into an hour long rant of how hard this past week has been and every detail, but I'd rather not think about it anymore than I have to. The kids are loving the hot weather and are completely obsessed with fireworks, just like their Dad. I haven't hardly been able to think, talk, let alone leave the house this last week. We were blessed enough to have our super awesome parents and friends pitch in and take the kids each day. I am so grateful, I didn't want them to see me cry or curled up in a ball. Instead they spent their time pool hopping, sprinkler jumping, baking cookies, visiting a horse stable (Super impressed Chele!), and finally getting to play with some kids like kids should be able to. I have noticed all of this action has really bonded the kids together, not that they wouldn't sell each other for a cool toy like most kids would. To top that all off, Seth bought a box of sparklers that he lets them light off one every few days. It's warmed my heart to see them so happy to be with others and to be just having fun like they deserve. I can't wait for me to be feeling better so I can join in on the action. The last two nights I have been forcing myself to take a walk outside to help with the pain. As the sun was going down I noticed fireflies starting to spark. Isaiah and Aria tell me at least once a day, how they miss me being fun (talk about a punch in the gut) when we used to play together. One particular fire fly was hovering by our door and I put my arm out to see if it would land on me, and it did! Bugs love me for some odd reason. I cupped it in my hand and brought it into the house to show the kids. It cracks me up to see how interested Aria is with insects. She always wants to hold them, so I brought it in and set it on her hand. She was in total awe, but the bug wouldn't light up. Isaiah is very compassionate about any living being and is always worried it's going to die, so I suggested to take them out in the back yard to see all the fireflies lit up. This is my idea of spontaneity, letting the kids go outside in their jammies. They of course, squealed with glee and ran around while bouncing around. I kept on trying to point out the bugs, but I think they were more caught up with being out in the dark. I remember being at my grandparents house and they'd let us run outside in a field down the street. It wasn't huge, but we loved it. I thought about our field across the street and suggested that we let them run there to see all the bugs lighting up. I was a bit hesitant at first, but Seth reminded me how much fun they would have, even if for 5 minutes. He was right. They ran like crazy mice scurrying here and there in no time flat. I'm going to have to look for some glass jars so they can reap the rewards of their catch. Out of the whole awful week, that 20 minutes gave me some simplistic joy I had longed to be a part of. I had decided it had been way to long since I had laughed when the idea dawned on me to do something I never do, I can't believe I am even admitting it. I watched America's Funniest Home Videos. I haven't watched it in years, since Bob Saget was on. I laughed so hard. There were really only a few that made me laugh, but those couple made it worth it. When I am not feeling well, it's almost like a black hole. All the light gets sucked up into this deep abyss, so it was so nice to be able to enjoy that light and truly just to smile. I am trying hard to push myself out of my comfort zone, to promote healing. Each moment is a conscious battle to push beyond what I can do. All those years I had, taking for granted the everyday simplicities of doing laundry, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, the boring stuff. I just did it without thinking and it was boring, not hard. I keep on praying for the day when my health will be restored, I just cling to that hope, I have to. I am asking for some heavy duty prayers, that my health would be restored and that I could eat normally again, without any pain. Even though a year has passed since all of this has started, it's still very difficult for me and my family. Sometimes I feel as though we have been forgotten. Let's face it, out of sight, out of mind. I have fallen off the social radar and that has been very difficult for all of us. It made me that much more grateful to have the help from others, not just because of the kids, but also to remind me that I haven't been forgotten. I don't think I'll ever truly be able to express my gratitude to those of you who have reached out, even though it may seem that I may not notice, I really do. I am beyond grateful. I keep on thinking, Savior, You can move the mountain. My G-d is mighty to save, He is mighty to save. I am going to get better, I just have to. Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed.