10 and 1

As many of you may already know, it was our first daughter's birthday on Thursday. She would have been 10! The night before we pulled out her baby book and 2 of her movie montages. The kids surprisingly were very excited to see. They climbed up right beside us and actually oohed and aahed over each picture. Seth and I were so taken aback at their deep intrigue of their big sister. We ended up pulling out her little dress, bonnet, and socks. We tried to explain her baby doll size by laying the clothing in their arms, you could tell they were able to understand a bit more by the look in their eyes. We then pulled out the movie montages when Aria broke out into uncontrollable sobbing. A good friend of ours, who had lost her 2nd child and then went on to have 8 more. She told me that her 1st child relived the trauma for a while. As for the others that followed after she died, she told me that each child grieved in their own way. One child in particular responded the way Aria did. I was kind of shocked at her response, but was reassured that it was perfectly normal. One thing about life is, it's not a pretty package. While I believe it's good to try to protect our children from unnecessary exposure, there is a fine line of balance. If you shelter them to much, they won't be prepared for the real world that sometimes is forced into their lives, such as the death of a loved one. Change is inevitable. They don't realize that Aurora was cremated. I just think that's much to graphic to deal with, even I still struggle with it. Isaiah is picking up on the burial site, but I think he still doesn't fully grasp what it means. At this time, I don't feel they need to know just yet, so we just tell them it's where we go to remember them. I know the time is coming soon for Isaiah, since the child is deeply interested in non-fiction books that tend to always include life cycles, so he knows something is up. Still, it was a precious time that I will cherish for the rest of my life. We tucked them into bed with tears in our eyes of gratefulness. These kids mean so much to us, they have no clue how important they are. We talked about Heaven, we tried to capture the joy and beauty of what is to come, so there was no room for fear. We explained Aurora and Elijah could be some of the first people that they will see and how they will hug them and show them all the beauty that awaits them. They went from tears of sadness to giggles of glee, it was quite heart warming. The next morning they chattered on and on about Eli and Aurora and were quite excited to go to the flower store and pick out some baby pink spray roses for big sis. They have been watching the flowers bloom with great anticipation. Every couple of months we go to their grave and switch out decorations. We replaced the plaques for a pink and blue glass looking butterflies. The mausoleum is pretty strict about fresh flowers during the summer months. They tend to draw in more flies and it makes quite the mess, so this year we got a butterfly balloon. I just never can quite bring myself to by a Happy Birthday balloon, so it worked out just fine. We ended up being able to drive out to the beach and watch the sunset as a beautiful Aurora Skye rolled in. Beautiful pinks, purples, and colors swirled around almost as if Aurora got to paint it to let us know she was close by. We chatted about what she'd be doing (I'm guessing we'd be bordering on being uncool) and how full our house would be with all of our children, how different our lives would be (probably not The Sound of Music by any means). I used to avoid talking to people about their children who were Eli and Rory's age. It was much to painful to hear about all the things we were missing out on. Now, I find it a joy. I love hearing about what other 10 and almost 8 year olds are interested in. It gives me an idea of what they both might have been like. Those that are close to us, know that we openly discuss our kids. While it is so painful that they aren't with us, we are filled will great honor that G-d entrusted us with His children, even for a short time. We are honored to be able to share our story to help others in their time of need, whatever that might look like. I feel compassion in a way I never did. I still don't know why it had to be that way, but we are able to see that what was a such a grievous time for us, can bring glory to G-d while shaping us in a way only He can do. When people ask me how we got through it all, I can only say, by the grace of our Lord. Honestly, if I had had it my way, I would have died with them. While a part of me did, G-d cultivated a newness in my heart that I had never had before. You always hear the term, "out of these ashes, beauty will rise." I get it now. If you know someone who has just lost a loved one, please do not enforce this realization on them. It takes time, a lot of time, to get to this place. It doesn't make our loss any less painful, it just gives us hope in greater things to come. For us, it doesn't matter how your child died, any way you look at it, it is sheer agony. Whether it be a miscarriage, still born, a baby, a toddler, a young child, a teenager, and adult, they are still your baby no matter what. I miss my little girl, I can only imagine who she'd be today. Would she have let me grow her hair long so that I could do fancy do's ? Would she be a mother hen, or more carefree? Did she have her Daddy's dimples? So many questions I still have, so much longing in my heart to know. So, like G-d has been teaching me all along, I must be patient. I feel blessed to have two children who embrace siblings that they have never met. I feel blessed to have friends and family who have walked our same path and some that haven't, helped carry us through. I feel grateful to G-d for opening up paths for us, that if it weren't for Him, we never would have seen. I don't know what it is about dates that make things so final. The 23rd marked exactly 1 year since my health took a wild turn. Of course it wouldn't be till August that we realized it was gastroparesis, but it's a date I will never forget. I miss food so much. Sometimes I wonder if it happened to teach me to cope with life through prayer and not by eating, because food was my coping skill. I still cling to the hope that I will get better, again, patience. Going through the deaths of our children, our apartment burning down, my husband's work burning down, a diagnosis for my child, and GP has all had one deep connecting point, life is hard. There are no guarantees for tomorrow, we aren't as in control as we think, and each day is a gift. I won't tell you to just smile and be okay with it, that isn't how G-d wired us. I believe we go through these things to learn who is really in control, to truly rest in Him because things get messy. Even though I know all these things, I am still nervous about my surgery tomorrow. I know that each thing happens for a reason, but it doesn't make pain any more bearable when going through it. So I am on journey to learn to really be grateful to my creator for good and bad circumstances. It's easy to rejoice when things are going great, but it can be really hard to praise Him when everything is falling apart. Sometimes I get the thought in my head that maybe He forgot about me, or is trying to punish me. I just read in a book about praising G-d in all circumstances because it shifts your focus to the truth, without Him, we are nothing, we have no hope. While the words are easy to read, it's extremely difficult to put into practice, especially when times are hard. I have been struggling this last year in the physical sense, harder than I have ever had deal with. I feel like war has broken out in my body and now I have to teach it to make peace. Since Isaiah has been home from school it has been another challenge, how to keep 2 kids busy when I am so slow. Instead of leaping to the what if's of the week to come, I have to try to keep my focus on the present moment at hand. I have been trying to go on short walks with them, go to the store, go to church, you know, everyday things that I used to never think twice about. The kids begged Seth to pull our bikes down. I thought they were nuts to even think I'd get on that thing. Then Seth challenged me to try. I looked at him like he had flown the coop. The last time I rode my bike was 2 years ago. I actually rode right into the mailbox and scratched up my leg. Pretty embarrassing. I told him I didn't remember how. He just smiled and said "once you have done it, you'll never forget." In my mind I thought "your nuts!" To appease him, I agreed. We got on the bikes and road down the street. The wind was on my face and I felt a freedom I haven't felt in a year. I felt youthful. I felt alive! As each corner approached I'd wobble back and forth while Seth cheered me on. We didn't go far, but when I got off the bike I couldn't stop smiling. Isaiah got to ride with us, with Aria in tow. They thought it was a hoot! It took a lot out of me, but it felt good to try something different. Each day that I have a good day, we try that much harder to make the most of it. If things weren't changing enough, Aria grew out of her toddler bed. Some great friends of ours, who are like family to us, gave us a bed for Aria. She is super excited because it was their daughters bed, so that made it especially cool. I know it was time, but it was weird to think the next time we have a crib up, it'll be for our grandchildren. For every ending, there is a new beginning. I have been praying for a season of restoration, for healing. Now that I have just rambled for an hour, I am asking for prayers for tomorrow. I am having surgery with general anesthetic and in the past, it's been pretty rough. Also, since having GP I can't take pain meds, so I am really praying that I'd have a quick recovery. Thank you all for your continued prayers, I believe G-d is answering our prayers, even though I tend to get quite impatient. Please hold us in your prayers and I will update as soon as I am feeling better. Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed.