With Hope

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to post. Traveling tuckers me out. I'll just cover the basics, since we all know medical jargon can be quite complicated. After waiting close to 3 hours for our appointment we finally met with the doctor. He seemed more irked about me cancelling my scheduled botox treatment. I have been having a little more issues eating lately, so it's up in the air if it is stress related or that the botox is wearing off. I have been trying to do more self positive affirmations, since I tend to be a realist. Being real is great, but it can take you down roads that aren't so good if you let it. Seth piped in and asked firmly about the manometry. The long crazy wait for a crazy test! We have anxiously been awaiting this for so long, this mystery test that is supposed to give us big leads rights?! Instead he casually had the PA pull up the test and said that it looked better than he had expected along with a long explanation of what the test was looking for. We had little understanding of all he listed off, so I just looked at him point blank and said "So am I getting better??" He spewed out more jargon, where upon I restated my question. I then stared at him and said "Am I getting better? Any improvement? Anything!" He reluctantly said "You're holding your own." I replied "So that's good, right? Please give me some hope!" I flashed one of my cutesy smiles and probably looked like a puppy at the pound trying to lure in a new owner. He sighed and chuckled a little bit (I try to do ice breakers!) and said, "Okay, you are doing better." After going through the manometry explanation I asked him if he thought the botox would have caused any possible false readings. He said it was possible. In my mind I am thinking "are you nuts! I went through that miserable test just to have a maybe?!" We figured there was no point in beating a dead horse any longer and to just drop it. When being weighed, I was at the same weight I was at the last visit. I was disappointed. I was hoping that I had gained since then, and was pretty shocked to see I hadn't. He said now he would be watching me to see how I trend. From a medical standpoint, botox is in your system for approximately 6 months. For each person it varies how long it works. Like I said, my eating has slowed down a bit and I am just hoping it is the stress of all that has been going on and that it has nothing to do with the botox. He rescheduled another round on June 21st, Aurora's 10th birthday. Not exactly the way that I wanted to spend such important day. I had even debated about having a small birthday party for my special little girl's double digit birthday. It's hard enough knowing she isn't alive to enjoy her day, but for me to be having a procedure, it's a bit much. So please pray that I wouldn't need to have this done. I am praying that regardless of how clinical his report is, that my progress would continue to trend upwards and that I'd be on my way to healing and that I won't need anymore botox. I know G-d heals me through medicine all the time, but well, you know.... He really didn't have much to add after that. I was relieved to hear that he is putting all testing on hold, since my reports are not stating anything obvious. PRAISE THE LORD!! We asked if my diagnosis was still gastroparesis, his reply was, we treat the symptoms. Seriously, the dude is a riddle. I am still listed as high complexity and he said he wants to keep an eye on me for a while. It wasn't much, but it left us feeling hopeful and that's just what we prayed for. I am praying that my healing is more present than I realize. I have been struggling a great deal with depression throughout all of this. I feel guilty, instead of signing our kids up for karate and gymnastics, we have medical bills. I am really hoping that I am able to heal this summer. I want so much to be able to take the kids to the park, bike riding, play dates, the library, anything! They need the socialization just as much as we do, and boy do we need it! Even though the doctor wasn't full of wealth of super positive charged news, I am still choosing to look at it with hope. I am going to get better. I am a fighter and I have a lot to fight for. I just ask that your prayers would continue for healing and peace.