If Only...

Walking up the emerald green colored hill, I feel the grass squishing between my toes.  Birds are chirping their melodious songs, while a gentle breeze blows my hair into my face.  The sun is shining down on me and I feel it's gentle warmth.  I am wearing a beautiful white sun dress, with a wreath of pink baby roses on my head.  The hills seem to gently roll with magnificent flowering trees of pinks, purples, and white as far as my eyes can see.  Every imaginable flower is blooming and the fragrance is amazing.  I can hear everything, I don't need my hearing aids, in fact, I don't need my glasses.  As I touch my face, it is clear and smooth and nothing hurts.  I feel drawn to walk to what sounds like, a babbling brook.  All I see is a forest of blossoming trees, but I am not afraid.  I walk through the winding maze of trees as I pass by deer, chipmunks, and every woodland creature than I can imagine.  There is no fear for either side.  I walk on.  When I hear children's laughter.  It's the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.  Like a moth to fire, I begin to run.  The sound of laughter is louder and louder with each step and my chest is pounding with great anticipation.  I come over a small hill to see a gathering of children.  They are all playing around the brook in light clothing.  Some have mud on them, yet they look perfect.  I begin to scan through the children knowing they have to be here.  My eyes lock with hers.  "Mama!"Aurora says.  I stand in a amazement looking at her, she is beautiful with her brown blond wavy hair cascading down her back.  She too is wearing white, her bare feet splattered with mud.  "Elijah, Elijah Praise she's here!"  Huddled in the water, a little boy appears to be busy catching a frog or a fish.   His blond hair almost seems to shimmer in the light.  I study him as he lifts his face, it's him.  He smiles at me with his two deep dimples and his big ole blue eyes sparkle, "Mama!"  They both run to me as I run to them.   I feel our bodies collide and my heart sores like the wind.  My heart rests in a peaceful state that I have never known before...

Today is Elijah's birthday, he would have been 8.  I try hard on his birthday to not focus on the regrets, but instead on the joy and the miracle that was his life.  His life story continues to touch people even as the years go by.  Honestly, I can't imagine him being 8.  I more think of him as maybe a 4 year old, I can't figure out why.  I'm fine with it though, I like that they stay young in my memory.  I have nephews both Aurora and Elijah's age, so as they grow, I watch intently.  If they only knew how much I really watch them, I think they would be surprised.  We talk openly about them to Aria and Isaiah.  They accept them and know one day we will all be together again.  I love that they love to talk about them, there is no awkwardness, just acceptances.  I have learned not to over shoot these days with high expectations, but just to try for simple goals.  Today we got a candle.  My kids love candles, just as much as I do, so in honor of his birthday it seemed awfully fitting.   We always talked about how he smelled like vanilla cookies, so we felt that would be a fitting aroma.  The closest we found was vanilla cupcake, and everyone is pleased.  We looked through Eli's pictures with the kids as they asked questions.  Instead of birthday cake, we have root beer floats.  He tried one a week before he passed on, so it's become his thing.  It still doesn't feel normal that he isn't here, even after so much time passing.  I guess a parents love never ends.  I find myself day dreaming every now and again of what our reunification will look like and often it appears as I wrote above.   I used to beg G-d to be able to look into Heaven, even for a minute just to check on them.  I still yearn a bit.  I have been struggling with pain the last few days, physical pain, and in those times I try to go to my "happy place."  As Seth and I revisited all that has gone on since first meeting each other, I found myself in bewildered.  Seth, being the eternal optimist says "I wear it as a badge of honor.  Still don't understand how the gastroparesis part is going to pan out, but..."    I don't either.  Been trying hard to focus on the present and not dwell in the future, it's much to dangerous.  We aren't promised tomorrow, I know that full well.  I don't know how all of this will work for the Glory of G-d, only He knows.  I find the questions of the future paralyze me with fear, so I must remain in the moment that is now and the beauty of what was.   8 years ago, our son was born without kidneys, alive.  He lived for 6 1/2 amazing months.  Today we honor his memory and cling to the hope of G-d's promise, his life hasn't ended, in fact, it's just begun.  Watch, pray, believe, and always be amazed, each breath is truly a miracle.



It's been a rough patch over here lately.  I have not been eating well and the pain has increased.  I would appreciate your prayers as well as for a friend of ours, Steve.  He start Chemo this week and I know he would appreciate your prayers as well.