The Power of 12

Today Seth and I celebrated twelve years of marriage, in the ER. I just have to laugh because it all seems so silly. Seth loves it when I write about my feelings for him and it's my little gift to him each year. I don't know how most peoples brains work. Mine works like a movie player. I see, smell, taste, or just plain out have a memory and it flashes back. It's like I am sitting in a theater watching my life memories, it's kind of cool. I don't need to go into all the details of these past few weeks, but basically I came down with the shingles. I am 33!! I thought this was something you get later in life, but after speaking to several people, it's more common than I realized. Bottom line, they stink. I officially feel like Job, except I am not holy and blameless, but you catch my drift. They hurt, my body aches and burns, and now the already fatigued body, is running on E. So I have literally been crying out to the Lord. I am too tired for anger, I am just sad. I had plans for this last week of summer to do some extra special things with the kids, to make memories. I am realizing that they are now at the ages that my earliest memories were forever formed. I have been watching a lot of TV, as my mind can not seem to focus on books. I have been running into interviews about people and how their early child hood really shaped them. Some had parents divorce and leave, some had a parent die, and some had a parent that was sick. I sit there watching each movement of their face as they begin to choke up and release their deepest feelings about their lives. It gets me thinking about my kids. I can't help but always think about how they are going to remember this time in their lives. Will it shape them for the better? Will there be resentment? Do they feel abandoned or scared? Or are they having fun, hopping from family and friends homes? All I know is each time I leave for an unexpected hospital visit, I try to smother them in kisses. I try to tell them how much I prayed for G-d to give us another baby, how sad we were when Eli and Rory died. But then He sent us the two of them. I try to cup their faces in my hands and tell them how wonderful they are. Movies in my mind flash back to the day we found out we were pregnant, the day they were born, the day they first smiled at me. Also the day that I first got frustrated when they wouldn't sleep, the day they got sick and couldn't tell me what was wrong, the day they decided my cooking wasn't for them. So many memories for me, but what about them? Today my thoughts went back to our wedding day, 12 years ago. My biggest thought on my mind was, if Seth was going to change his mind and leave me at the alter. My shoes were too small and I literally had both of my parents on each side of me as I walked down the aisle for a beautiful moment, but a secret, my shoes were too tight to walk in!! Never order shoes for your wedding without knowing your size ladies! I remember looking at my handsome man as I blushed walking down the aisle. I remember thinking our life was going to be so easy, we'd be through the hard stuff, so smooth sailing from here on out. I snagged my man! We had incorporated some Jewish customs from my Mother's side. One of them was the stepping on of the glass. The groom crushes it with his feet to symbolize it being the worst of your problems, and that life would be good. Kind of hard to explain, but... So I can still see Seth stepping on it and hearing the crunch of the glass and thinking, we are so in love, there won't be any problems. I see that naive girl with dreams dancing in her head, my rose colored glasses that might as well have been contacts, I was so naive. I miss being naive. I miss that girl. She was so full of spunk and chutzpah. I knew what I wanted, when I wanted, and that was it. Now I can barely choose between the big spoon or the small spoon. I see Seth and I, gazing into each others eyes as we recited our vows. Sweat dripping down our backs due to the unexpected heat and lack of air conditioning in the church. Nothing could go wrong, we had each other. 12 years have come and gone in what seems like such a short amount of time. We all go through struggles in every season of our life, but nothing prepared me for what has happened in the last 12. I am thankful for my faith, as shaky as it can be, I believe my G-d is fully alive and working in everything. He got us through these last 12 years. He gave me a husband that truly has honored every single vow and then some. As our children died, I kept on having this fear that he'd leave me for a woman that didn't have a syndrome. He never did, instead Seth loved me more. This last year, as sick I have been, and let's face it, being sick does not equal beautiful. He would carry me, feed me, wash me, and love me through each wicked day. When I didn't have the will to live, I cried out to G-d to show me Himself. There would appear my husband, to wipe away each of my thousands of tears. When I look at Seth, I see the person I wish I could be. He truly acts as though a true follower of G-d. So many people that hate Christians for their Pius attitudes yet are hypocrites haven't met Seth. He is not perfect, nor would he ever claim to be, he just loves people. He wants to make everyone happy and that makes him happy. Today as we were getting ready to go to the ER, panic set into my fragile body. I was in the shower and I just began to sob. I felt his hand on my back and he gently rubbed my back and I blubbered my fears out. He held my hand in the car as we drove. He sat by my side as we waited for the doctors. He even tried to make me laugh as I am sitting in the bed on the verge of nervous break down as I am listening to people retching outside the door. I had prayed to G-d, to show Himself today and He did. We still don't know what is going on with my health, but we are being referred back to U of M (Dun dun dun DUN!) surprise. As I cried to Seth and apologized to him for wasting all of his hard earned money on endless doctor appts, hospital stays, surgeries, medicine, special food, etc. He just smiles and says, "I don't care about that. I just want you here with me." Looking at our home, or the clothes that we wear, van that we drive, piles of medical papers, you might look at us and think we aren't well to do. The truth is, I am rich. I am rich to have a G-d that loves me so much, who puts up with my continuous tantrums, bouts of distrust, the questions, the whining, yet He still sends me the most amazing man I could have ever have dreamed of. He is not just my husband, but he is truly my best friend. I have the most beautiful children, all 6 of them and I have been blessed enough to be called their Mom. I am loved by both sets of our parents, who have poured out their hearts by helping us in any way that they can. As well as friends, acquaintances, and even strangers who impact our lives in such amazing ways. While I hit really hard lows of self pity, anger, and despair, and "why me's" G-d always seems to send the right people in at the right time. I don't know why I haven't been healed yet, but I still believe that G-d could do it at any point and time. He may choose not to. Either way, I have been eating quite a bit of humble pie. Even though a good many days, satan convinces me I am so unlucky, unlovable, and I am being punished. There comes a delayed knock on the heart of my soul that show me through the looking glass, I am loved. Happy Anniversary Seth, I got to marry the love of my life, I have won the lottery of life. Whether it be for 12 years, 30 or 50, however long we live, we won the ultimate dream of finding our other halves. I thank the G-d of all hope, the G-d of Israel, the one true living G-d for providing this truth to me. All praise goes to our G-d, who on our darkest hours, will not forsake us.