Our G-d is in Control

This past month has been rough. So often I find myself deep in thought, "what is my purpose?" Do you remember the song "Place in this world" by Michael W. Smith? I have been mulling it over, especially when I am struggling. This week was the hardest, emotionally. I don't need to go over specifics, but it's where I am at. Just when I always think of closing this blog down, I get messages about how I captured what a person had been thinking or struggling with. So for now, I will assume this is what G-d wants me to do. Isaiah has been really sick this past weekend, but is looking better. Aside from seeing him in so much pain, I struggled with not being the parent I wish I was. Sadly, when I am stuck on the couch, I watch a lot of TV. Not my proudest admission, but true. I used to love to read, but for now, it's hard to concentrate. I have been learning all along how persuasive the media is, but what I didn't realize, is how much guilt it sends. You know, the commercials of the tiny babies all cute and cuddly. For me, it's a reminder of all that times my babies were small and how fast they have grown up and then it makes me wish I had more, but I can't.... Or the kids that are supposed to be "sick" with a fever, and how empathetic the Mom looks at her poor child. Why don't they show the parents tearing their hair out in the middle of the night, trying to get their kid to drink the medicine while he's flailing about!? The thoughts of sheer exhaustion twisting your body into involuntary spasms of physical and mental trauma, as you dread the morning of half dead participation for the rest of the world. Seth has had to shoulder a good chunk of this burden, so I feel extra guilty. He has to work and take care of the household, sick kids, and a sick wife. So, let's just say, I haven't been Sunshine Suzy lately. I have found myself crying out to G-d a lot. It's hard to be in community when you aren't feeling well. G-d built us for it, we need it more that I have ever realized. So this week I had to do what I hate to do, ask for help. Seriously, you may not think it, but I HATE asking for help. I find myself imagining all the scenarios that people must be thinking, again. I worry how needy I must look, or worse even, an attention seeker. Bleck, I hate to even air the sentence out. I admit it, I have watched people all of my life broadcast their issues in various forms of communication. Some people are always fine, some have and escaped issue, and some just let it all hang out. Now I see things a bit differently. I think we all suffer in different ways, and I am learning more and more, how important it is, to not judge others. I have secretly thought in my head about certain people "it can't be that bad," or "here we go again." How I hate eating crow. Now looking back, I can re-assess what I once wrongfully judged and realize, that must have been so hard. I wish I could hunt down all of these people and just apologize for my behavior. I wish I would have just hugged them and said "I'm sorry." The other day I went to a meeting and at the end of the meeting, one of the women just walked up to me and hugged me and said that very thing to me. I burst into tears and sobbed. I hardly know her, yet her simple words shattered my icy heart. Mostly, I am realizing how hard I am on myself. I have entangled myself into expectations that I can not fulfill. I am grieving this. I am grieving over the person I thought I was going to be. Now this leaves me with a big, now what? I will never be the Proverbs 31 wife. I will never be Maria, from the Sound of Music. I will never be??? Most people by 33 have a career, or at least a direction that their life is pointed in. I had always imagined I would finish college before getting married. I honestly didn't think I would have children, I just wanted to adopt. Then I met Seth and that all changed. I had kids and that all changed. Then I thought, once the kids are in school I'll go back to school.... Now I am being shown that I need to stop living in the future, once again. I need to live today, right now, in this hour. It's so hard to. It seems like we are raised to plan? Am I not right? I found myself this week struggling to keep my head above water, when an article or a news cast tells of someone else overcoming way more than I can even fathom, positively. Then I find myself feeling inspired with a twist of self loathing for not being like that. The person I thought I was, doesn't exist. I don't know if this stems from all the trauma I have went through, the chronic illness, or if it's a 30 something mid life kind of crisis? We have to go back to U of M on Monday, lately I just don't like to go. It once was a place of such hope, but right now, it's more of a nuisance. Then I want to just smack myself on the back of the head and say "hey lady, at least you have health care! Medical technology is improving every day. G-d is working every day." Then I hear this tiny voice inside of me that says "I'm just scared, be kind to me." I have been fighting so hard, for so long, and this petite frame is worn out. I had a wonderful friend that took time out of her day, to sit with me, to listen to me, to cry with me, it was more precious than gold. Today, for the first time in over a month, I woke up with a little blossom of hope. I am praying it blooms into a forest. I don't understand why at times I must travel so deep into depths of mire, but I feel myself hanging on. I hear the whisper of "where is your G-d?" I instantly fill up with a burning embers all around me thinking "how dare you! G-d is real! He is the creator, the one true living G-d!" As I see all of these protests breaking out all around the world in the name of disgracing Islam. I can't help but think, could we really be living in the end of days? I know every generation has been taught this, but could it be time? Where do I stand with all of this? Do we keep quiet to keep peace, or do we shout out "The G-d of Abraham, Isaac, Israel, of Jesus, is the one true living G-d!" When do we cry out "enough." What will I say if they come knocking at our door to ask what side we are on? I am realizing that battle for my soul is more evident than I have ever realized. Wow, I guess I had some stuff bubbling under the surface. I always end each post with asking for prayer, for healing, peace, courage, and strength. I pray for G-d to guide my footsteps but also for peace for the rest of this world, I ask for prayers for those on the front lines of all of this. While I don't understand why there is suffering in this world, I must hang on to this, Our G-d is in Control. Here is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, I hope it helps you for whatever hard day you have had and know that you are loved and never are alone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoAYb8YmCwQ&feature=related