The Road

We are so blessed to have a 4 day weekend, and the Lord knew we needed it! Since June when all this started, the house has quickly fell into disarray. So often I have felt as a stay at home Mom, that I am not a productive member of society. The worst is when I go into the doctor and every single time I register, they ask me what my occupation is. I tell them a SAHM, to which they respond "oh, so you don't work." Uhhh, have you ever tried it? I work, I just don't get paid for it. My dear sweet husband has even admitted that he loves going to work, it's where he goes to take a break! LOL! On the positive side, I have now realized how important my role is to our family. Not just in cleaning, but in the way they eat. I had to explain that fruits and veggies have to be served in one way or another or else problems will arise. After having Aurora and Elijah we are super protective of kidneys. We try and make sure that the kids have the proper amount of fluids, not too much NSAIDS, all the stuff we learned with Eli. Now after having all this GI stuff going on, I have been opened to a whole 'nother world that I have taken for granted. I never realized how much I took my health for granted. Of course I have been over protective with the kids, but how often do we stop and thank G-d for the simple every day things that we consistently take for granted. How blessed I am to be able to get out of bed by myself, dress myself, walk, talk, see, speak, taste, smell, cook my own food, go where I want to go, make decisions for myself, etc. You know what I mean? Then you have a surgery or an illness that takes you down and then you realize how much one part of your body can affect everything. Being a foodie, I have always enjoyed the taste, smell, and sight of a good meal. But I never thought once to even thank G-d for being able to digest it, or even dare I embarrass myself and say it, go to the bathroom. With Eli and Aurora never being able to pee, we have learned of it's importance. When Isaiah was born, as they pulled him out he peed all over me. We rejoiced as it was the equivalent of liquid gold to us! Isaiah loves for me to tell him that story, he's such a boy. In all my diet restrictions, I am learning how cutting out certain foods actually affects your whole digestive system. Am I going there? You bet I am! I believe if I am having this issue, some one else is and I refuse to remain tight lipped about it. Those who have helped me the most are the ones who are the most open and honest. Embarrassing? You bet! But it's saved me so much anxiety to know that this does happen to other people. The hardest thing for me right now is they cut out my fiber. At most, I am allowed 17 grams of fiber in one day. I have to eat low fat foods, since fiber and fat slow down digestion. So here is the tricky part, getting fiber but not being allowed to eat fresh veggies, fruits, beans, seeds, nuts, whole grains, and no fiber supplements such as Benefiber, Metamucil, none of those things. Okay, so where do I get it from? I called the doctor's office to answer my question and they really didn't have an answer for me. It's been pretty frustrating as this completely throws your whole body out of whack. For now, I am living off of Cream of Wheat, some meats, protein shakes, cottage cheese, yogurt, and sometimes sandwiches (which is basically meat w/bread) and some other random items that escape my mind for now. I am trying supplements to make up for my lack of nutrition but am finding it really hard to digest. It's hard because if you make one wrong decision, I end up with severe pain and nausea and there really isn't a whole lot to fix it till it passes. You have to be aware of anything you try, since it can cause a bezoar. Which has been compared to a hair ball, another words, a blockage. I have a list of absolute no no's which the hardest to let go of are the berries, kiwi, and cabbage. The rest of that list, eh, I can do without. I am wondering if that's what happened June 23rd the night I had to go to the ER. I was living off of Kashi and blueberries almost every day for several months. The other thing that was taken off the list was alcohol. I really don't mind for the most part, but I really enjoy a lovely glass of wine. So long! Thankfully I don't miss it for the most part, since right now I seem to have an aversion to alcohol in general. Lately even the smell of mouthwash makes me gag, not sure why, but oh well. So I am still dropping weight. Now wait ladies before your roll your eyes and want to throw your shoes at me, it's dangerously low. It's one thing to lose weight due to self control (super kudos!) but it's another due to health issues. I have been warned I must stay on top of eating, or else some people end up having to have surgery to insert a feeding tube or pace maker for their stomach. I am praying hard not to go down that road, but as of this point I have lost about as much as my body can tolerate. While I might look a healthy weight at first glance, it's the way it came off and how fast it came off that is so dangerous. It's hard because when my stomach seizes up, it feels like someone is squeezing the top of it and it literally makes you want to walk around on your tip toes, the pain is so bad. When that happens I can drink 2 ounces of water and it will literally just sit there up to the back of my throat and not budge. So I am praying and believing for healing. I was in such a rut of feeling sorry for myself that I could barely function. So I did what I could and gave it to G-d. Each day I pray for the Lord to intervene and help me in every area of my life, especially to be more positive. He has shown me so much. Anytime I start to feel sorry for myself or get frustrated, I ask Him to show me things that are good and I praise Him for them. I have been finding I have so much more to grateful for than to be discouraged about. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days and moments, but now I feel that there is hope. He is with me. Whatever that looks like. Maybe He'll heal me tonight and I can go back to my spinach artichoke dip on sesame baguettes, maybe he'll heal me over time, maybe my healing will be acceptance that I am blessed to just be able to eat yogurt. Any way you dice it, He is there. In all my desperation and long nights (sometimes till 2 AM) of pacing due to waiting for my food to digest so I can rest, I talk to Him. I have found since surrendering control and truly leaving it to Him that He is opening doors, I couldn't. I never realized how negative my thinking really was till I stopped and assessed it. Phil. 4:8-9 has helped me give me a check list on if my thoughts are aligned with His. We live in a society where it's all about us. Us first, then help others, if and when you can after all, you'll feel better, it's still about us. What about Him? For years I have proclaimed I am Christian, but never really acted like one. The two first commandments are the most important, to Love the Lord your G-d with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul. Also, to love your neighbor as yourself. My first thoughts were never about G-d, mostly He fell to the bottom of the heap after I did whatever I wanted to do. Who is our neighbor? I don't think it's just our friends, but it's also our enemies, those that drive us nuts and have made us miserable. It's been hard for me to swallow, that rarely have I made an effort to do this consistently on a daily basis. I only seem to do this, when I am most down trodden and in the dumps. You'd think I'd learn by now. So as much as my flesh wants to cry and whine and throw myself on the floor and wallow in self pity, I can't. I might have moments, but I can't dwell there. Instead, I must rejoice even in my suffering. Romans 5:3-5 reminds me
but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

For the first time in a long time, I am finding comfort in the bible. I admit it is not my normal tendency. In fact, I find I have to make myself. I am not one of those who can sit hours in the Word, but I do small amounts and than try to really think about it. I feel slowly but surely, G-d is changing my heart. I have been wounded so much in my life, so that leaves my trust threshold very low. It's weird to think the one I trust the least, is He who I should trust the most. Thankfully the Lord knows me better than I know myself, so I give that to Him. I used to really only pray out of obligation and in the hope that He'd magically make everything better, or at least save me from the fiery furnace of Hell. When Eli was alive we had a deep relationship with Him, but even then, I admit, it was out of sheer desperation to keep Eli alive. I learned to love Him, but I think my trust was shaken in their deaths. As I think about our friend who has cancer, another friend whose child has Leukemia, a friend our ours who almost died from an infection, and the list goes on, I think of all I have to be grateful. Whatever happens in life, we can't avoid suffering, but we can choose to find the good in it, even while we cry out in pain, or we can let the devil win, and give up. I believe G-d will heal my stomach, but I also know that our lives will have more tribulations to come. It doesn't mean that it won't hurt any less, but I can look ahead with less worry as I learn more and more each day to let go, and let G-d. Suddenly all the cliche statements are making sense. I can live my life in bitterness and say "why me?" or I give it to Him as I bury my head at His feet and cry out to Him and praise Him for giving me another opportunity to praise Him because He will lift me out of theses ashes. After Elijah died, we were told to never have any more children. Now we are preparing Isaiah for his first day of kindergarten. I have a little girl that wants to be a princess when she grows up, G-d blessed us, and He blesses us each day in ways we don't even acknowledge. I still don't understand why our kids had to die, I don't know why I have all these GI issues, I don't know why we have to struggle, but I do know that I can thank Him for all the blessings of clean water, food in the fridge, hot showers, a flushing toilet, clothes (no matter how outdated!), our home, but even if all those things got taken away, what is it that matters? Our faith. Do we trust Him enough to let go? Even if we are scared? Even if the outcome isn't what we wanted? Do you trust Him? I'll admit, I've got a ways to go, but after all life is a journey. I may cry, I may flop on my face, but still I will seek Him because life without Him, isn't living. Today I write this post to remind myself, when I am in the muck, G-d is with me. Never will He leave me, Never will He forsake me. It's time to make the devil tremble.