While I wait

It seems anytime I post a positive message, the enemy decides to pick a fight with me. The last few days had been pretty uneventful, which in my mind means, FABULOUS! I started to feel a bit funny by the middle of the day and attributed to a failed beet, potato, and tofu soup that turned out as terrible as it sounds. I only took a bite or two, but it seemed to kill my appetite. I have been living off of rice crispy treats, weird? Yes, I know. A lot of people on line suggested it, and believe it or not, it works, for a while. I am not much a of a sweet eater to begin with, so it's okay, but I'll do anything at this point. Slowly, this feeling of tightening began above my stomach leaving me feeling pretty crummy. It's almost like when you eat to big of a piece of meat or a giant horse pill and it gets stuck, that's what it feels like and no glass of water can make it go away. It lasted for hours. I tried some alternate breathing methods and some deep breathing exercises to shift my focus. All the while the hours are passing, the symptoms are getting worse, finally nausea rears it's ugly head and I feel a mess. I tried to sleep anyway, but it was anything but restful. Again, I tried to remember my words and not focus on the symptoms but just try to get through it. Seth woke up and knew I was in a world of ick and prayed over me. He felt so bad leaving me, but he had to go to work. This whole thing really seems to be about balance. I am no longer really thinking about food and craving it anymore. I don't salivate watching commercials, in fact most of the time, I cringe. I saw a commercial for a steak house where they drop the steak on a plate and of course it's supposed to tantalize your taste buds as they cut into it and take a hearty bite. I am thinking it to be one of G-d's graces that lately all I can think of, is that it would sit in my stomach for HOURS!!! So for the most part, the temptation is leaving me. I do think about Olive Garden's spinach artichoke dip and olive, but not really anything else. I no longer live to eat, I eat to live. I guess it's a good thing, yet I guess I am lamenting a joy in my life that right now I can't participate in. Then it hit me this morning. I went to put on a pair of pants that were way to tight last week and now they are actually a little loose. The fear gripped me and the ugly thoughts poured into my ears about not being able to survive and then the tears poured out. All I could think is someone else is going to take my place and my kids are going to call her Mom without many positive memories of me due to being so young. The thought of Seth holding another woman in his arms made me sob even more. Of course I wouldn't want him to go through the rest of his life alone, but I want to be the one by his side! I want to be one to go prom shopping with Aria or take Isaiah to a dinosaur exhibit. I want to live! I have so many people surrounding me with positive words of encouragement, telling me G-d is with me. Yes, He is, but He also decided to take Aurora and Elijah home. He is faithful and sovereign. I am still trying so hard to wrap my pea brained mind around this word. I know He is good and just, but I am weak right now. I am holding on to hope and I know He can cure me in an instant, if He so chooses. Will He make that choice? I don't want to be in a hospital bed with tubes all over, I want to go apple picking with the kids and take pictures in the leaves. I want to go to my woman's groups and studies and pour over His words of hope and help others out. I want to get beyond myself and do good so I can be more like Him. Not being afraid and so frail. We live in a day and age where it seems we have treatments for everything, how on earth did I get this weird one? I keep reminding myself that He says "Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you." He is here and He is faithful. I know He is close to the broken hearted, so he has to be near. I lost some more weight and now we are waiting on the doctor to tell us what to do. I am assuming there won't be much he can do except give me the dosage of the domperidone. I am just praying if that is the case that it works with NO side effects. I need the nutrition. I get so light headed even trying to stand up. It's so hard to just sit here and wait. So often we tell others, it'll be okay, but what if it isn't? I have two young kids who really need me. I want to enjoy these beautiful blessings that I have been allowed to parent. I want to cook my family a good wholesome meal that doesn't include peanut butter or cheese! Seth keeps on reminding me that the doctor's won't let me slip away, but I can't help but think.... I am trying so hard to just keep on living and do the basics and be positive, but as my heart seems to be louder and harder I can't help but wonder, what on earth? I was just fine a few months ago. How could I decline this easily? I can't just forget about it, it's always there staring me in the face. I get out of breath just walking from one part of our house to another and our house is pretty small. So now I wait. I am waiting on the Lord, and waiting on the doctor. I force feeding myself small amounts of approved things, but today for the first time, I have no appetite. I need a miracle! I need peace. I need help. Oh Lord have mercy on me and my family, you are a G-d of miracles and I need one desperately. So I will pray, while I wait.