His Goodness

This was a tough weekend for me. I wasn't able to meet my calorie intake and of course the chest palpitations. On top of that I ended up getting a horrible migraine that triggered muscle knots on the upper left part of my body. I have only had these happen a couple of times and they are freaky weird. The muscles seem to constrict so tightly that it messes up the nerves which renders numbness and lack of coordination in my hands and arms. Thankfully, I know what it is. So today I am going to the BEST chiropractor, Linda Kunce (right in Grand Rapids) who does amazing things and has really helped me out in ways medicine can't touch (including muscle relaxers). So you're probably wondering where I am headed with all of this. Well, we cut back my sugar intake and meds to see if my chest pains went away and they didn't. This morning I didn't wake up with the palpitations and decided to reassess things. I am my own advocate and I have to keep on trying. So with my dwindling appetite and lack of calories, I called on my drink, Mr. Bolthouse Farms Protein Plus. Immediately, I felt better. I was able to get the kids dressed, something to eat, and move around. The best part, my appetite came back. I can't figure out why it works, but it does. I am up to 900 and by this time yesterday, not so much. I feel like a yo yo, up and down. Last night as I was talking to G-d, I just felt him say, talk about my goodness. He also reminded me of a prayer I had back in February. I was doing amazingly well. I remember asking G-d to challenge my faith to see if I could walk that I was talking. I thought that challenge was the cleanse. I guess it wasn't. Did this all come on because of a prayer, I don't know, but it got me re-accessing my thoughts and actions. I am persevering in this struggle and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks except for Him. I always find myself so hyper focused on what others think about me, am I too whiny? Wimpy? Annoying? Do they not think that I am trying hard enough? Am I a burden? Oh the list goes on. There is no condemnation in Christ, but there is in people, especially myself. I am my own worst critic. So on the flip side, as much as I scream, cry, whine, kick, and complain, I am fighting all the way. G-d created me to be this way, and this is good. He gave me tools so I could battle these wars with weapons. I am telling you, on my tough days, I do not exaggerate, they are bad. So on those days I allow myself to cry and wrestle it out, with the hope of knowing that His goodness with prevail. I have also to learn to rejoice a billion times more and fully recognize and praise Him for even the slightest of better days. Do I feel like a million bucks? No, not today. But I feel better today than I did yesterday and that is enough for me to rejoice. I am so thankful that He has placed people in our lives to intervene at even the simplest of things. These are things I have hardly acknowledged let alone praise Him for. Honestly I am in pain with my muscles, but for some reason the fact that I have been able to eat, has overshadowed the pain. It's still there, but I am still going. This is by the grace of G-d. I so often find myself in my depths of despair wondering what I did to offend Him. Today, I am seeing that maybe this isn't a punishment. Could this actually be a blessing? Maybe, in my suffering I can bring more glory to His name than if I was going along without any bumps in the road. I wouldn't know I needed Him if everything was perfect. Or maybe even if I did know I needed Him, maybe I wouldn't seek Him out as much with authenticity, maybe it'd be more out of obligation. I am a person that tends to get in a rut before I ask for help and He knows that. I need to focus my eyes on the prize, His prize, not the one I want, but the one He wants for me. Even if I don't like how I get it. Do I wish I could have avoided all of this? Right now I do, but I believe in the future I will look back and see how much of His goodness really came through. I am thankful I have faith, without it, I can't imagine where I'd be right now. It's what I cling to, even as I moan and groan, I know He is good. I know my children are with Him and I know one day we will join them with joyful hearts and dancing as we never have to cry again. Elijah's birthday is approaching and I look forward to it with the reminder of how good G-d really is. We got to have a child for 6 1/2 amazingly painful, loving, joyful, miraculous, blessed months. As much of the pain of losing Eli so young is great to bear, we saw G-d move and become real in ways to this day I cannot explain. In suffering there is joy, Lord knows when I think of Elijah Praise, I know this to be true. What he went through on a daily basis, I will never understand, but I do know his life brought Glory to G-d. My boy couldn't eat for the first 28 days of his life. He was so hungry and being close to me, who should have been nursing him probably didn't help matters. There is nothing so terrible as to watch your child cry out in pain or out in desperate hunger, especially when they can't communicate. I am fortunate enough to be able to express myself and do what I can with what I have. Never does it say anywhere in the bible that if we follow Him that we won't suffer. So today, even in my pain I rejoice. The sun is shining, I am able to walk and talk, I have the love of His goodness, and of others, I have a beautiful family both here and in Heaven, and while this isn't easy to go through, I can only pray I can bring Glory to G-d. Please continue your prayers and know that they matter. So today I am mustering up the strength to put on some makeup and put a flower in my hair, because G-d is good.