Inspiration

Some of you may have noticed that I had a really bad night on Monday. With all of this, my sugar levels are all over the place due to the fact that my brain isn't registering that there is food in my stomach. So the food sits there and ferments (lovely picture, I know) and cause my brain to think it isn't being fed. So I was reminded that cinnamon is a good stabilizer. Before all of this happened I put cinnamon in everything to help bring my cholesterol down, and it worked! I love cinnamon, so why not? The biggest mistake I made is that I used it out of a shaker and probably added to much and maybe it got stuck, I don't know. All I know is slowly I felt burning filling my chest, reminiscent to my very first June episode. I was confused, since I had always used this cinnamon and it's rather bland, so I figured it would just pass, besides I am on, as my dear friend says, "the Cadillac of all acid reducers," so it couldn't happen as bad, right? Wrong. I was drinking as much water as I could to try and flush it out when my stomach seemed to seize up. Nothing would go in, nothing would go out. I started to sweat as it spread through my chest and I felt as though someone had dumped gasoline and acid on me and threw a match to may it explode. Mind you, I have GERD, so I am used to acid issues. This makes GERD look like a walk in the park. The nausea and pain were overwhelming and I was looking for anything that would put the fire out. Nothing helped. I kept on reminding myself that if I went to the hospital that I already knew what they would give me, 2 of which I had at home, while the other being something I don't want to try. So I prayed and pleaded. As I lay on the couch I kept on saying out loud "still, I will praise you," to remind myself that He won't forsake me, so I can't forsake Him. I seemed to drift in and out of consciousness, the pain was so overwhelming. I knew I had to let Seth sleep to get to work and I didn't want to wake the kids. Mind you, I hate hospitals. One might read my posts and think me to be a hypochondriac. I am pretty much the opposite because of one huge issue, I hate germs. Therefore, I hate doctor's offices and you guessed it, hospitals. I will do anything to avoid them. Even when the kids have to go, I try to double up appts. so we don't have to go twice. Remember, I wasn't this way till after Eli was alive and the doctors told us every scenario of what passes through those doors and then he died. By the time Seth got up, I was barely coherent due to all that had happened and he thought I was sleepy. Later he called to check on me and when he realized what had happened he ran home to get things situated. Thank the Lord for Seth and my Mother in law, because I was in trouble. Long story, short, back to square one. Called the doc and they were surprised that cinnamon would do so much damage and were pretty empathetic. What could I do, but ride the couch. The weird thing is, my appetite was still alive and kicking. I wanted desperately to eat, but knew better. I ended up trying my magic drink the following day and my stomach said "what in Pete's sake do you think you are doing?! Leave me alone!" So needless to say, I started to get really frustrated. Besides these symptoms, there is more to picture that is going on, but it doesn't need to be discussed. I found myself getting angry. At least if I had tried some fried chicken or the chinese/mexican food that I have been craving since all this started, at least I would have had some sort of reason and satisfaction, but cinnamon?? Come on! That's insulting. I have done what they told me to do and still it can happen!! I have kids to take care of! This can't happen now, try me in 10-20 years when they are more self sufficient! As soon as I realized where my thoughts were going, I put on Joyce Meyer. She started saying that self pity is idolatry. Okay, I get it, but what about when you are in true pain! I yelled back at the TV and told her off, but she didn't seem to care:D Seth later on heard the Ed Dobson had some movie clips out of his story and showed one to me. I think it was Consider the Birds. Obviously, I am not comparing my situation to someone who has ALS or going to war, but it hit home and I sobbed. At one point he says that he realized we don't control squat. I burst into tears. The movie is way more profound than that, but something about that situation hit a nerve. This is not fair, what he is going through isn't fair, what millions of people are going through isn't fair. I feel that I have more than put in my time with all that we have already been through. Sometimes I feel like a jinx. Later I spoke with Seth's Mom who I found out, had the the whole DVD. I asked her if we could watch it when they were done. She must have known how much I needed to see this, because later she brought it over and I am so grateful that she did. I am not from this area, so I didn't even know really who Ed was. I learned he headed Calvary Church and much, much more. I ended up meeting him when I was first pregnant with Aria (didn't know it though). He was speaking at our church and I was blown away by what he had to say. I was still struggling with the kids death and on top of that, Isaiah was at a very difficult stage. I went up to him after the service and told him my concerns about my worry that I didn't have enough faith. There was more to it than that, but he spoke with me for a little while why I cried to a man that has ALS. He was so empathetic, so real, and so comforting. I never forgot his kindness. Later he spoke again at our church, only this time I was super pregnant with Aria, and when he saw me, he remembered me. He was going to speak at our church again a few weeks later and I told him I had hoped I could be there. I think he said something along the lines of "do you think that's really a good idea?" It turned out I did miss the service because our little lady was born. Each time he has been there, we have tried not to miss him. When he speaks, you listen. He speaks a language that goes straight to my inner core. So last night Seth popped in the DVD and we watched each video in complete silence with tears pouring down our faces. It wasn't that it was super sad, it was the truth that he so simply puts, that makes Heaven and Earth collide. As I said on FB, if anyone who is struggling with life whether it's an illness or some life changing issue, walking with someone, or is just plain human, you need to watch this. His words give truth with hope. For me, his words made me realize that I am grieving. I am grieving a life that I thought was supposed to be the way I wanted, and it's not. The more I try and control and to keep "safe" the more I realize, it's not there. Life isn't fair. You don't get your check marks in the sky stating, she over came this, so she'll never have anything hard to deal with again. I think when I look at the things that we have gone through all the way down to the little things, if someone told me that this was their life story, I might not believe them. I might think they are being dramatic and really, could that much stuff happen to one family? Yet, there are others, at the same time, who have gone through even much more than we are and have and will do so. It doesn't devalue my pain, it doesn't devalue my struggle, it just re-emphasizes that this world is fallen. There is a time for everything and one of the things I think we all want to skip is grieving and pain. What we don't realize is that those valley cock a poopy moments, are the ones that shape us, that prepare, and that will make us who we are. Seeing Ed's honest rawness gave me hope that how I express my pain, is good. I feel validated. It's okay to feel. It's okay to be scared. I feel that so often we have become to caught up in the shiny Christian mentality. Yes, we have Jesus! Yes, we have hope! But we are called to love one another and to help meet the needs of one another, and brokenness is a part of that picture. As I last said, we need community, ESPECIALLY when we are struggling. That is when we need each other the most! G-d has said, he is close to the broken hearted and we are called to be too. To mimic Him, is to honor Him. I know I am learning that I need to make more of an effort to meet with people I know that are hurting to sit there quietly and let them talk and resist the urge to offer advice, even if I think I have the perfect answer. Or at least ask them questions to allow them to answer what they deem that they want to answer and to just be there. I just assumed that because I am not rich, I can't buy them a gift to cheer them up like I'd like to, and well, I am not arts and crafty, but I can do something, which is to just be there. To not judge. To not fix. To just remind them that they are not forgotten, they do matter, and that I love them. Every now and again I hear that someone had died, but that they can't handle going to the funeral and it's just creepy. You know what? We are all going to die. We all have to face our loved ones going before us. It's an honor and a privilege to step beyond your comfort zone to help families who are completely broken. I heard a lot with Eli, people said that to me. PS, wrong thing to say to a grieving parent. It isn't about you. It's about the family that has lost their loved one. I find people in my parents generation, out of respect, make sure to go. We need to learn something from that. It's is not meant to be fun, it's done to respect the one who has passed on and to honor the Lord for the life that we were blessed to share in. One day, you will find yourself on that other side of the receiving line, and I guarantee you, you will appreciate those people who show up. Even the ones who say silly things, because they love you. Wow, I don't even know where that came from. Must have been needed to be said. I find myself telling people more than I ever have in my life that I love them. I am realizing those words need to be said. I am not perfect, I don't have it all figured out, but I am learning. G-d's goodness is all around us. But it's also a choice to take part in. I think part of that goodness is realizing loss, loss of loved ones, loss of control, yet knowing G-d will keep His promises. Tomorrow is Elijah's 7th birthday. I still can't believe that he isn't here anymore. It's not that I am stuck, it's that I am still and always will be his Mom. His and Aurora's life have forever impacted us, they reminded us how fragile life really is and how blessed we are to be there parents. It stinks they aren't here, but G-d entrusted us with such sacred time with them and I am finding that to be something special. I still find myself stuttering when people ask me how many kids I have. They didn't just disappear. They won't come back to me, but some day, I will go to them. Just because time has passed, my love and their importance will never fade. You too know what I am talking about. Whether it was your child, spouse, parents, sibling, a dear friend, or maybe the hope of someone you had longed to hold. You will never forget their memories and they are priceless. This might seem like a repeat of my last post, but really I feel my eyes getting wider. While we are here, we have a change to embody what it is that we truly believe. I think if we asked a good chunk of Americans what religion they were, they'd say Christian. Yet if you follow us around, do we embody what it is that we know Christ called us to do? I haven't. We are all sinners, but I find myself living for the approval of others and gratification of my own selfish wants, and that isn't right. I have a chance to change this. G-d isn't the G-d of second chances, He is the G-d of countless. I am that prodigal daughter and something tells me, this won't be my last time of running away. Still, He is faithful, even when it hurts. So far, after each of my inspirational posts, the next day I find to be really hard. It's like satan wants to say, it isn't true. But it is, He is faithful. I don't know what He has in store for me. Will He fully heal me on my own? Will there be a cure? Or will it be another way? I don't know. I do know that all I ever have to be, is what He made me. I do know we have a friend of ours battling cancer and his tolerance is getting low. I know a faithful woman, whose son is battling Leukemia. I know another woman (who is like another Mother) who almost lost her life to a fluke infection and has just finished her last IV antibiotic and is doing well. I know several woman who I love dearly, who just long to have a child in their arms. I also know a little boy and a little girl whom I held under my heart for months, who are now in eternity. I also had two others whom I barely met, that one day I will celebrate finding out who they are. I don't pretend to say that it gets easier, it just becomes a new normal. For me, it's no longer about missing the food itself, it's about staying alive and being healthy. It's about missing something I took for granted. For now, it is my new normal. I won't be ashamed to ask for help, for prayers, to feel weak, to feel strong, to feel. Yet I know after I get done feeling, I place my trust in Him because He is good, faithful, loving, and kind. In the morning I have been putting on a CD and one of the chorus's are "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah, He reigns...." I found Isaiah and Aria singing it over and over while running around chasing after each other. I found myself stunned with their innocence and beauty. Faith like a child. I need faith like a child, because He does reign. I highly recommend Ed's DVD you can find it at http://edsstory.com/ Maybe you'll get something totally different out of it than I did, but I guarantee you, you'll get something out of it. May you be inspired to lay down the ways of this world. May you be inspired to love a little more deeper. Maybe you already do and this is nothing to you, than may you be an inspiration to others. As always, I am grateful that you have allowed me into your home to speak out my thoughts. Thank you for every prayer, thank you for each word or token of encouragement, I am truly grateful. Please continue your prayers, I still believe I will be healed. May you know that you are loved and that you do make a difference. G-d is with us, we just need to take the time to listen. Watch, Pray, Believe, and always be amazed. "... Never will He leave us, never will he forsake us...."