D Day

Yesterday was hard. I finally got to my gastro. study, where they watch your food and see how long it takes to digest. I actually almost cancelled it, thinking it was a waste of time and that maybe this whole thing was a virus. Thankfully I didn't. Last Wednesday night I started to have severe head pain, but thought nothing of it. By Thursday I had that feeling of sinus pressure all over my head and neck. My shoulders started to swell and I thought my head was going to blow up! I'm in no way exaggerating. Called the doc who approved IB Pro. (due to having my scope and a polyp removed they originally advised against it) and said to go ahead and hopefully it would bring the inflammation down. Ummm, no, it didn't. This went on for DAYS! It would get better, but by night blow up again. Between my chiro. and doc. I was finally able to get it down to bearable by yesterday. They thought it might be a combo of a migraine/tension headache with jaw clenching. My eyes kept on feeling like they were crossing and I was having trouble even writing! When I say those words, they can not capture the pain, it sounds so mamby pamby, but I am telling you, I thought I was going to see the Lord! So by the time the gastro. study rolled around I figured, eh, why pay more $? Then like clock work my side pain returned the night before, and I breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn't cancelled it. So Wed. came and in I went. I figured eat some radioactive eggs watch some TV or take a nap while they scanned me for an hour and a half. Piece of cake right? No, not in Kelly land. My Mom always said I had to always take the difficult route. After laying on the table for an hour, I felt eggs sitting in my throat. In my mind I am thinking, yeah, this isn't good. Sure enough a few minutes later the nuclear med. tech informs me my stomach has barely digested anything and by now 1/2 to 90% should have been gone. She then went on to say that she needed to give me a med. that should speed up the digestion. As soon as she said Regulan, I knew I was in trouble. I informed her of my acute med. sensitivity and high anxiety. For some reason, when I tell most medical prof. this, they don't seem to take me seriously. She assured me no one has had a reaction but that I could call my MIL if that made me feel better. So I called Seth's Mom and asked her what she thought. She too, wasn't sure what to do, but told me to err on the side of caution. I decided I had gone this far and I didn't want to look like a wuss. I should have listened. As the pump is injecting me with the med over the course of 10 minutes I prayed and breathed through it. I even thought it was done and was pretty excited that I had made it through and all was well! WRONG! It hit me. I began to sweat, get nauseated, have that I need to get to the bathroom NOW, and jump off the table while screaming down the hall "NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Okay, so I didn't do the last part, but I thought it! I then let the tech know I wasn't feeling well. All the while she is trying to convince me that I only have 20 minutes till I finish. I tried so hard and than thought, I don't care if this test cost one million dollars, I have got to get out of here! I then told her again and she got a look of panic in her eyes. She quickly got the machine pulled back and asked what she could do, should she get a hold of my husband? I have never had to have them use my emergency contact, till yesterday. She brought a nurse and doctor in to assess me. I felt like a gerbil in a cage, trying to get somewhere, but getting nowhere. All the while everyone staring at me with a "what in the world is she doing?" look. I began to pace, gag, sweat, etc. You get the picture. All the while the tech is apologizing for convincing me to take the med. I assured her it was okay, that is was my fault. The doctor asked me how I felt and all I could say was HOT! It's so hot! He says "no it isn't." Sigh. So there I am, pacing up and down the halls gagging while saying bible verses out loud and calling on the Lord Himself to make this stop. Good bye pride! By the time Seth got to me, I finally took a med to help me calm down, although it barely made a dent. I just told him I had to get home and watch Joyce Meyer (I have no idea how she calms me down, but she does) and get in a dark room with AC. The tech tried to keep me there to be assessed again and I declined. I knew where I had to go. Seth knew what to do and quickly grabbed my arm and helped me to the car. On the way home, I just wanted to jump out at every stop light and run! I felt so jittery, like I had drank 5 pots of caffeinated coffee and someone choking my air way. We got home and without having to say much, Seth and my favorite Mother in Law grabbed the kids and left me to my Joyce. I paced and paced, all the while trying to sit down, and back up again. It must have been quite the sight. Seth called the doc and asked if I could take some more meds and they approved, then finally the relief came. I awoke hours later, still feeling jittery, weird, and embarrassed. It was a rough night. I was informed I'd get the test results next week only to be awoken by the phone this morning. It was confirmed that I have gastroparesis. I know, leave it to me to have something weird. Basically what this means is that the nerve in my stomach is damaged and doesn't work properly, so my food takes a long time to digest. The two meds they normally have you take, I can't. Depending on how bad it gets, sometimes you get a pace maker for your stomach. I did the mistake of getting on line and read story after story of how this radically changes yours and your family's lives. The lack of energy, the risk of dehydration, and malnutrition due to not eating proper foods and having blockages are in the mix. I started to cry. I know I should be grateful it isn't something worse, but it's a lot to take in. I don't know where to begin and on top of that, the Gastro. can't see me till the middle of September. The diet is very vague and when you hit the wrong thing, you pay for it, for days. It sounds so mundane, but I can't even explain the fear of any time I take a bite, what is it going to do. No more nuts, seeds, popcorn, raw foods, whole grains, all the yummyliscious things I so love. Food aside, I miss being able to have the energy to do the regular everyday things. I want to go to the park, the store, mow my lawn without any effort. I want to play with the kids all their silly imagination stories and act them out, but I can't. I was blessed enough this week to sit through a whole church service, go to the store once, and see my friends at our study, but that was like a marathon. So I am calling on all of you to send up some heavy duty prayers for miraculous healing or at least a mild version of this. I am trying to fully trust that G-d can do this, but you know how our human feeble minds think. So I am asking for a few minutes of your time, whenever you can, that G-d would restore me, that my stomach would begin to work normally, my head and neck pain would go away, and that the anxiety would take a long walk off a short pier and never return. I am a fighter, I will not give up, but I do need help. In all of this frustration and panic I am seeing G-d everywhere. We have so many people who love us and are doing their best to support us, and I feel so blessed. I am thankful that I can do the simple things in life, like walk, talk, and even type. Satan may inflict me, but G-d's love, peace, and hope are stronger. Each day is a blessing. I want to grow old and see my great grand children, I want to have joy and peace (my middle names!) in even my suffering. I am a survivor and with G-d at my side, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I may have to ask for help, but that is what G-d created us to do. When I am at my weakest, He makes me be strong. Watch, Pray, Believe, and be Amazed. May I bring glory to G-d even in my toughest of days.