I decided to take a while to write this post, as I have been so physically drained. I might make it a two parter since my mind function isn't quite up to par. As we last left it, we made the decision to go to Maine. In all of my health issues, among other issues, I threw my hands up and said "Lord if you want us to go, You are going to have to get this all together. I've got nothing left, it's up to You." Never have I had a response so deep and clear, as the hand of G-d moved everything and anything and got us to be able to go. We were thrilled as little by little, each problem got solved without me having to work on it for hours. My health is still a bit rattly, but with great determination and the recognition that the Lord wanted us out there, was much too great. We actually didn't even pack till the last moment, because that's how on the fence we were. So we piled into the car with two little kids for 12 hour day trips for 2 days in a row. The kids actually did really well. They got into a couple of tizzies, but really did awesome. The driving went beyond smooth and the weather while hot, was fine. In New York we decided to stop at a hotel to sleep. We had contemplated trying to drive 24 hours in one day, but realized that it would do more harm than good. The kids were thrilled to go to the hotel and even got to go for a small dip in the pool before it closed. We were bummed that the pool closed so early and opened so late, but the kids were satisfied with their 20 minute dip (Praise the Lord!) in the pool. Aria actually started to doggy paddle on her own while Isaiah clung to Seth for dear life. It was quite a sight. We all went up to the room and got them bathed and ready for bed. The kids were still raring to go, but Seth insisted it was time for them to sleep. Then it hit. All my sickness came back with a vengeance. I found myself in horrible pain/nausea/and panic. It went all night long. I tried the anti nausea med Zofran and it barely made a dent. I sat there contemplating do we go to the hospital as it felt like my insides were going to burst open as I suffocated on the floor. I am telling you, this is no exaggeration, in fact, I am leaving some details out to save face. But you get it? It's bad. I was begging the Lord to lift this sickness and contemplating what kind of an idiot goes on vacation knowing how sick they've been. All I could do was think of Seth's grand parents, seeing the extended family, and of course, the bonding with his immediate family and the kids too! I sometimes wonder if some of my nephews even knew my name! The night time was an eternity. When morning finally came, Seth awoken to me, pasty white and shaking. We got a hold of the gastro. who prescribed another anti nausea and I took the meds, asked for prayers, and got back on the road. Pain meds just don't even cut it, so I don't even bother. Seth kept on looking at me and asked if we should turn around, but I just told him to drive, we had to go! I slept a good portion of the trip. I never sleep in the car, but the med finally knocked me out enough to let my worn out body sleep. The kids chitter chattered about seeing their cousins with excitement in their voices. Seth was worried about me, but you could tell, he was thrilled to be going. Again, by the hand of our Lord Almighty, He answered the many prayers I had requested, and got me there. By the time we entered Maine it was dark. When all of the sudden in the pitch black, I look ahead to see something lying in the road. Before I could say word, we hit it and went a bit air borne. One huge full sized intact tire almost threw us off the road and into a ravine. Our mouths dropped open since we knew, what almost could have happened. I called 911 right away to get them to get the tire out of the way in case someone else hit it. We noticed they have a lot of motorcycle riders who don't wear helmets, who if they hit it, probably wouldn't survive. I was shocked that they responded so quickly and the state trooper cleared it out and called to check up on us to make sure that we were all right. They were so, nice! In fact every person we met in Maine, was nice! They were friendly and helpful and it was quite refreshing. To me, every one seemed a little more slowed down. It didn't seem so fast paced, and rush rush here or there. Things were much more basic, but it was actually quite relaxing. I often feel pressured through the media, that I am not enough or too much. Here, I just felt like I could be in the moment. We got to the house and Seth's family welcomed us with open empathetic arms. They made sure I had a room by a bathroom and a walk out, in case I had a panic attack (I tend to pace). I was so moved that they were that considerate, I felt so much more at ease. I would love to give you every lovely detail and maybe I'll save that for another post, but I get easily winded now, so I am typing the best I can. I did get sick a couple of times there, but everyone allowed me the space to do what I needed to do. One night I thought we'd have to go to the hospital, as I felt like I had literally gone to hell. The whole night was terribly frightening and all I could do was pray as everyone slept. I thought about going but figured it'd be more hassle than help. By morning I was able to clean myself up and get back to the trip. It was so weird how intense it was, and then it just eased by the grace of G-d. My dream came true, we got to see all the family, including Gram and Gramp, to be able to spend time with them and just enjoy ourselves. It was a little difficult at times, as my hearing aids are so old that they don't filter out the noise you want to hear, so I missed out on some conversations. Still, I got to sit in the company of them and that was enough for me. We got to have some alone time with Gram and Gramp. Gram cried as she told me how she had been praying we'd be able to come out which got me crying. She showed me the family blanket she has, where all our names are on it with fabric apples. She showed me that Aurora and Elijah's had little crowns on theirs and I started to cry, I was so happy. I wanted to stay many more hours, but we had to get to a cousin's wedding. Maine is beautiful, the homes, the scenery, it all was so calming. My dream of bonding with Seth's immediate family came true. I have never felt so close to them before, until the trip. The kids played nicely, and I never felt lonely. I wasn't alone. We had some great laughs over good card games, constant stories flying left and right, it just felt Heavenly. On the days I didn't feel well, I'd go into my room and cry in frustration. I was so mad at my body for not cooperating, but then I'd dust myself off and go join everyone else. A hard part was the eating. I never realized how much of my joy revolves around the meal times. While everyone munched away, I'd try to keep busy or go somewhere else as I was so hungry. I found I could safely eat 1 meal and 1 snack a day and stop eating after 5 PM. I so badly wanted to scarf down the food and join in on the chatter, but was so worried I might grab someones plate and run with it, and scarf it down with the ferociousness of a lion. So to save face, I just went elsewhere. The food created a lot of anxiety for me. I am now on a gluten and dairy free diet, along with no spices, or acidity. So that doesn't leave room for much. I know there is food, but once you've become accustomed to a certain way of eating, it's pretty hard to kick it. Still I wouldn't trade the trip for anything. I got to know my nieces and nephews (they do know my name!) and the rest of the family in a way I haven't. I just fell in love with everybody. I felt like I belonged. It was healing. The kids were thrilled with their cousins. Anytime we had to go somewhere else, they begged to go back to their cousins. Like I said, a dream come true. There is so much more I have to say, but I am getting tired. When we packed up to leave, I had another bout and we knew we had to go home. I was getting sick again and I didn't want to risk having to stay in a hospital in Maine for an extended period of time. When we left, as I looked at Seth's Mom we both started to cry. I kind of felt like a kid who had just gone to camp and now had to say goodbye. To tell you the truth we got home a week ago, and I still am lonely and missing them. My wonderful family. G-d wanted us to be there for so many reasons, and I am so glad we listened. Since coming home, I have lost more weight. I am easily winded and having several more health issues. It's starting to affect my breathing (not just in panic) and my whole digestive system. You know me, I am an open book! I started getting signs that my kidneys looked like they were shutting down, so they had me come in right a way. The lab work came back indicating that due to my rapid weight loss, my body has begun to "eat itself" and has gone into starvation mode. If you were to bump into me, you might think I look pretty good, but losing as much weight as I have in the amount of time that I have is very dangerous. They still don't know what is causing it and everyone is "puzzled." Yay, just what I want to hear. I don't know what it is with me, that so many things that happens to us are so unusual. Several people have told me to start playing the lottery with our odds, but with the whole $20 we tried, we couldn't even win a dollar!! So apparently it's not that type of a lottery. The last few days I have started to forced feed myself. It's pretty hard to do, but I believe it's necessary to survive. My heart beats so fast now, and that concerns me. The doctors are concerned as well, but not enough to put me in the hospital. I just don't get it. So I am set to have the scope on Wednesday of this week. I have already begun to have multiple panic attacks in the middle of the night. Last night Seth sat up with me till 1 AM playing cards with me. I told him if he won he could go to bed, when sweetly he replied "I'm not going to bed till you are ready for me to go." What a sweet heart. I am trying hard to force myself to go out on mini excursions, whether it be to the back yard, or hopefully soon, the store, or maybe mowing the lawn. I really miss being with people, doing normal things, but I have been so worried that I might get sick and have to embarrassingly need to leave the table. I am believing that G-d will heal me from this, but in the mean time I am hanging on to hope and prayers. My poor kids just sit and watch a lot of TV and ask if I am feeling better yet. So I am now forcing myself to eat and drink in the hopes a smidgen of my energy might come back. I hate feeling like a burden. I feel like we have already been through so much and this should be the time where we go and help others, not us needing help, again. The anxiety of the scope is messing with me presently. I am afraid of the medicine that it might make me panic. Medicine is so tricky with me now. That and not being able to eat. I have to stop eating so early and then my scope is at 2 in the afternoon and I am hypoglycemic, so I get sick without the protein. I don't know how this is going to work. I can't put it off, as they already had me book out into September. I am truly praying they find some easy fix and that it isn't life threatening. I want to watch my kids grow old, I want to grow old with Seth and see what he looks like in suspenders and a bow tie! I want to write a book, I want to love on people, I want to have deep fellowship with G-d and others. I want to find peace and joy in all that I do. Funny that those two things are my middle name. I met with our Chiropractor whose mouth dropped when she saw me. My coloring is off and my pants kept sliding down, my face is broke out. I look like a train wreck. I told her what the doctors are doing and she was floored that they weren't doing more. It was nice to feel that she got it, she could see I am really sick, and I don't know why. Still I will choose to trust G-d and call on all my prayer warriors as I am a huge proponent of prayer. My pride is out the window and I want to live. So please pray that I'd be miraculously healed, or if it be by medicine that this would be easily fixed, pray for energy and the ability to eat. Right now 2 dear friends of ours who are going through cancer and it's really scarey to see the suffering. I know each day is a gift and we must not take one day for granted. Who cares about money, in the end, it's G-d, our family, and our friends that truly matter. Forgive me if my typing is bad, I am pooped out for now. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed, and love all those around you and be grateful for this day. This is the day that the Lord has made, Let us REJOICE, and be glad in it. May you be blessed.
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