Waiting on the Lord

Usually I am quick to "spill the beans" on all that is going on. Due to fatigue and plain old confusion, I have decided to keep some of my beans. I am a control freak and having all of this stuff with my health happen has brought me to my knees in the knowledge, I am not in control. I have taken my health for granted. I have always had problems with my ears and some fatigue, but nothing like this. I have never really thanked the Lord for the actual ability to eat. I mean, unless you have no food, you don't ever really think about not physically being able to eat. On top of that, eating is my hobby. Maybe it's my lack of hearing that heightens my taste buds and my super sniffing nose? All I can say, is if my kids ever try to smoke or drink, they won't be able to get past my sniffer! I have a very limited diet and even then sometimes my body rejects things that it ate. There is a fear with each bite of how is this going to affect me later, since the results are rarely immediate. Instead they come in late hours of the night to sweating, nausea, and pain. It makes childbirth and the stomach flu look tame. So we wait. I have been watching Joyce Meyer and am doing a study about Esther with Beth Moore. I hardly have the energy to leave the house, so the timing couldn't be more perfect. I am learning and believing that this is all for a greater purpose. In my negative thinking I want to shout out "haven't you refined me enough? Am I that stupid that I keep on needing to go through all these life altering situations!?" Then I have the reminders of verses that say to offer up prayers of thanksgiving and then ask for your requests. I always thought it was kind of odd, I mean, isn't that like kissing up to get what you want? I am now realizing why. Even in your deepest struggles, when you offer your praise, you can really see all the good that is really happening, instead of the negative. It's humbling. Sure my pain and suffering has been great, both in the past and now, but then when I really look, I see more good than bad. In tough situations, you learn in depth who is there to really love you. I have been pretty upset about how much all these procedures are costing us and worried about the huge debt that this will incur. We don't qualify for program assistance since we are literally are just above the cut off point. So yesterday as I am lying in my scan I found myself thinking of how many things I could have done with the $1,300 that I had to spend on this one test. On top of the that, the many tests that are going to follow after. As I was laying there I began to think how blessed I am to live in a country that has medical care. In a third world country, someone with my symptoms probably would have already died or been left to die. I have some medication to subside some of the symptoms, there are people that can't even get access to even one. I have the full usage of my legs and arms, I can see with my glasses, and even though my hearing aids are over 10 years old, they help me hear. With my scope, I got a polyp removed and it was benign! My stomach looked clear with no ulcers. When I first got the news, I was happy, but then immediately got frustrated to, now what is it? How many tests? How long do I have to live with this? Instead of praising G-d for the fact that my stomach on the inside looked good, I complained. Now, I also am a person that feels I will not put on a smiley face to pretend everything is okay when it's not. I believe in our suffering, we help others. By being honest we can make others feel not so lonely, or even more grateful for what they do have. So I am trying to find that balance of truly being honest in what is going on, while having having hope and gratefulness to G-d who deserves praise for every good thing that happens. I was reading my Esther study and I wanted to share something with you. I am at the part where Mordacai is pleading with Esther to save her people and she has to decide whether to put her own neck on the line. In this Day, Beth is addressing facing our worst fears.

Here is what she says "We talked about how the enemy and our own self-destructive natures combine to taunt us with "what if's." Once we are in Christ, Satan has no authority to destroy us, so he settles for the next best thing: threatening to destroy us...... To the devil the irony is delicious: Our distrust of G-d tattles on us, telling our enemy exactly how to get us...... Our bony index fingers pointing at out vulnerabilities. Once Satan sees what we believe would be the end of us, he threatens and torments us with it... Our human defense is to grovel before G-d and plead with Him not to let those things happen. Our conditional trust not only makes us an open target for enemy torment: it also positions us as negotiators and beggars before G-d instead of secure children who trust their lives to their faithful Father. Those times when our fears become reality we feel devastated (Been THERE!) We think G-d is unfaithful, and Satan essentially gets what he wants-us to believe that our life is over.... I'm a huge proponent of praying against what we fear and for the desires of our hearts. I also believe that we're free and safe to voice our worst nightmares to G-d. In times of crisis and demonic attack, however, our vulnerable souls need something more. The most critical breakthrough of faith you and I could ever experience is to let G-d bring us to a place where we trust Him-period. We don't just trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us." Beth Moore (Esther)

I have often struggled with people just telling me to trust G-d, that everything will be okay. In my mind I am thinking, you have all your children living at home with you, you don't go to the cemetery for any of their birthdays. Eli and Aurora died. Or seeing cases like little Caylee Anthony whose Mother literally threw her little girl out like trash and is now walking free. I struggle with people who can easily have children and abuse them, because they never wanted them in the first place when there are those who would do anything to just have one! The list goes on. I have tried and tried to understand the reasons and it makes it easy to doubt that G-d's plan is perfect when you hear stories like this. Perfect? But where is the justice in the child who has cancer? My children not having kidney's? Then I find the doubt spinning into fear as I clutch on to those that I love so much, that I don't realize I am squeezing the life out of them! In the end, His justice will prevail. He knows and I don't, bottom line. In every terrible thing that happens, good happens out of it. Love wins. One itty bitty light can light up a dark room. Just like evil, sometimes all we see is the darkness, but if you see something good, the light will outshine the darkness. I often think of how unfair it was that Aurora and Eli died. Yet, in the grand scheme of things, their short live brought more good that I probably will ever understand. G-d's glory shined through them. Seth and I still being together, His glory shines in our marriage. Having Aria and Isaiah when we were advised never to have kids again, G-d's hand was seen, undeniably. So I will with thanksgiving send up my prayers and requests and surrender to His Majesty. Maybe I'll come out of this finding it is I am not eating enough fish oil (I could only hope!) or maybe it will be something far worse. Either way, He is the only one that will know and I have to release that to Him. This doesn't mean I won't voice my concerns and ask for help, after all, He created us for community, and where there are great numbers, there is great power. So as I sit here on the couch slowly moving around, praying for healing, while waiting for answers, I surrender. We don't know what each day holds for us, but even in my honesty, I can express my thankfulness that G-d created me to be who I am. I am a nervous Nelly Kelly, control freak, who feels things with such deep passion, that I get myself into trouble. I say what is on my mind and I have a loyalty to those that I care for that goes deeper than the ocean. I fret, but I choose to seek and believe in Him, even if it is with deep guttural cries or contagious laughter. So as always, I ask for your continued prayers that G-d would fully heal and restore me. Please pray that the doctors would have the wisdom to help me and that I would come out of this feeling renewed. As I have said before, let us watch, pray, believe, and be amazed. Oh Ancient of Days, may you show favor on us and restore us.