I just want to start out by saying how grateful I am to each and everyone one of you who both privately and publicly shared your stories that I am not alone in my anxiety. I was floored by how many responses I got and I couldn't help but praise the Lord that I wasn't alone, and He really did want me to put myself out there. I hesitated as I wasn't sure how my experience would be received on something so personal and so invisible. If you notice I write in spurts. I only write when I feel that G-d's words are welling up in me to share. I have doubted myself and often wonder if I have been foolish, but in almost every single instance, G-d reassures me to release my words in the hopes that I might reach one person. Maybe it's my gift? So to all of you that shared, thank you. I kept your messages and will save them to look at when I am feeling like this is all to much. In having all of these health issues I have had to back out of my social life. I am such a people person, so this is really killing me. I know that those who truly love me will understand if I have a bout, but satan has put this huge fear of being horribly embarrassed and looking like an idiot in front of everyone. I was all set to take the kids out yesterday when I woke up, I had another allergic reaction that left my eyes looking like I had aged 40 years and then got pummeled by Rocky himself. I can't figure out what is causing it. Seth is figuring it has to be something outside, as everything I use like makeup, cleaners, etc. inside haven't changed. I can't help but wonder if it's sticking to my contact and then when I take them out, it gets into my eyelids. I know it sounds nutty, but I feel it is satan trying to mess with me, to try and make me snap. I find anytime I try to give something a go, I have something really weird happen, that ends up making me cancel my plans. My poor kids want to play out in the back yard and I am afraid of going out. I tried Claritan and I now know I can't take Benadryl so when I have a reaction, I just have to wait it out. It also seems to be affecting my breathing, I have hot prickly stinging run from my throat into my nose. I was barely outside for less than a second and I took in a deep breath and BAM! I could barely breathe. I just stayed in front to the air conditioner and waited it out. I have never had my anxiety manifest itself in that way, but I guess anything is possible. I have never been allergic to anything seasonal, except for gaudy holiday shirts. Seth is convinced that any change to my body, whether it be med or temp. seems to freak my body out. He could be right. I feel so trapped and I hate it. I want to see everyone and join in on all the summer festivities. I already feel a bit disconnected. Facebook is a blessing and curse all at once. I love being able to connect so easily, but when you are stuck in the house for weeks and you see all the fun being had, it can leave me feeling a little sorry for myself. I have gotten to go a couple of places, including Isaiah's birthday party, but it's very tiring. I have to be careful in all that I do. I can't eat after 5 PM (although I am now going to try 6 PM), no fruit beverages, no tea, no caffeine, no tomato based anything, no fried foods, well you get the drift. My results have not been found out except by trial and error. Believe you me, when I get something wrong, I pay dearly for it. The last several days I have had severe abdominal pain that sent me straight to couch begging for mercy. But at least I now know to avoid those types of foods. Anxiety and fear have always had an upper hand in my life, being that what I have been through, it's to be expected. I had a huge revelation on Sunday listening to Beth Moore speaking about how fear takes over and that we need to find that courage to overcome. I have already known this to be true, but it helps to be reminded. You see, we have a huge family trip coming up. This one has been in the works for quite a while as we haven't seen Seth's family on East Coast in a long time. His Grandfather is not doing well and we really want to go and see him. There is a lot going into this trip and lots of resources have been donated to make this happen. Only.... My health. It'll take two days to drive there and between the heat, two little kids who hate holding still, my stomach issues, and my hated enemy, anxiety. Seth and I have gone over and over what to do. Everyone else is going and this opportunity will probably never fall into our lap again. The last time we really went on vacation, was 10 years ago when we last went to Maine. We had finally come to the conclusion that we probably couldn't go, that is, until I watched this video of Beth's. I felt as though she was speaking directly to me, encouraging me to be courageous and let go of the what if's. I find most of my anxiety relating to others is that I am too much, yet not good enough. I am bold and say what is on my mind, yet I feel like I am failure in the eyes of others. I feel like a fool and I hate that feeling of being embarrassed or ashamed. I just want others to like me. Desperate sounding? Yeah I know, but I am being honest. I don't feel as put together as all these other beautiful women around me seem to be. I realize that they have issues too, but you know how women think. Tomorrow I am meeting with the Gastro. specialist for the first time. I am praying that he will have the answers that I am searching for along with the reassurance that I need to hear. I taking all the steps that I need to, it's just that everything is moving at a snails pace. Pretty soon Isaiah will be in Kindergarten and then summer will be over! I have longed to set up playdates at the park, the pool, the library, friends houses, the gardens, but because of all of this, it hasn't been able to happen. I feel guilty. Isaiah has a memory that could put a computer to shame, and I can't help but wonder how this summer will be forever etched in his mind. I had a doctor ask me if I felt suicidal during a panic attack. I just looked at him and said "I am exactly the opposite! I want to LIVE!!" I want to go out and have BBQ's with friends and ride my bike with my family, watch the kids show off their latest play ground trick. I want to sit at the beach with my hubby and dream about owning a house on the lake. I am making the decision to ask G-d to give me the courage, no matter how embarrassed I feel to get back out there. If I throw up in public, oh well. I'll find a way to clean it up. If I can't eat something, I will politely decline while licking my chops in envy. Etc, ect.. If I panic or have an allergic reaction, well, these are the ones I am still asking for guidance about. It's so embarrassing. So I am taking the first big giant step and I am going to Maine. Please pray for me that some how it goes better than I ever anticipated. I keep on praying that it might actually snap me out of this. I have been longing to bond with Seth's family and what better way to do that with everyone being together, 24 hours away from home. After that, when I get back, I plan on setting up plans with all of you who have been so kind to wait for me. Please don't think I don't want to get together if our plans have fallen through, don't give up on me. I am going through something really hard, but I know that I will be stronger in the end. I will find that courage and I plan on conquering this anxiety that has been a toxic friend. Some how it tricked my brain into believing that if I am afraid all the time, then when something bad happens, it won't hurt so bad. Lies, satan is the father of lies. I won't accept this. I may complain, I may cry, I may seem weak, but I am full of compassion and I am a survivor. This may be a long road, but with my Lord carrying me, my friends and family supporting and cheering me on, I will survive. Courage, yes, may I be blessed with courage.
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