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Today is just one of those days that I am going to vent. This is not to get pity or blame anyone, I am just plain frustrated. If I hear one more person say,"G-d doesn't give us more than we can handle," I think I'll cry. That statement hurts. I have buried two children, had two miscarriages, countless other struggles, and now this. I am not saying that He isn't good, I am just saying in my humanness, I am mad/sad. I still believe I am being healed and I still believe that more good is coming out of this than I can imagine, but I am tired. I had to give up my drink that apparently helped me out more than I realized. Between the calories and the vitamins, I was actually starting to feel like a productive member of the household again. I didn't drink any today and I can barely get off the couch. I still haven't gone back to taking the domperidone yet, because I wanted to make sure that I wiped out all other things that might give me rapid heart rate symptoms. I have always been a salt/savory eater, rarely ever ate fruit or sugar. In order to get my calories without fat or fiber, I have begun to eat rice crispy treats and lots of juice to fill in calories that I can't meet with the rest of the diet. Because of this, I have been able to maintain 1700 for the last few days! I thought I had figured out my potion! It wouldn't be fun, but it'll stop me from losing weight. As I look back on my food diary, I am realizing how much sugar I am really consuming and I can't help but wonder if this is what is causing all the erratic heart rate and racing/light headedness that I am feeling. This is a good thing and a bad thing. The good part is, that would mean I could go back to the Domperidone and know it's not hurting me and possible help me out further. The bad part,if I cut back on the sugar, my calories will plummet. The thing is, the juice easily digests and doesn't make me feel full for long, where as regular food sits there. But I find that I am crankier with the sugar. It just makes me feel all jumpy like when I drink caffeine so I am more liable to snap faster. That means I have to cut back. I burst into tears. I don't cry a lot. I don't like to. I'm a yeller, not a crier. Today I cried, a lot. Seth keeps on telling me not to worry, it'll get better, but I'm telling you, with the lack of food, sleep, and energy it could make the sanest person go nuts. He came in the house yesterday and said he needed a snack and then went on about how he only ate a little bit of this, and little bit of that.... I have been trying to be gracious around others, listening about what they have eaten or whatever. After all, it's a part of every day life, so I have to accept this. But it hit a nerve. I just stared at him in disbelief that he was actually complaining to me about not eating enough. Here I am crunching numbers, every single morsel of food that passes through my lips have be recorded with a calorie amount. Each tiny number giving me hope to get through the finish line for the day. I now have to record blood pressures and heart rates to monitor what is going on. I am learning more and more each day, how much I miss being able to go out and pick up eggs and juice, or drive to the beach, have dinner at restaurant, church, or just sitting outside with the kids. I know I will get through this, but it doesn't make the pain or frustration go away right at this moment. I am trying so hard to be positive so I don't become a train wreck. I find I have been asked if I am better yet? Ummm, this isn't one of those things that you pop a pill and voila! Boy do I wish. Oh, that would be so lovely. Please don't think me of minimizing your pain of whatever it is that you bear, I'm just venting. I just want to be better, now. I just want to be able to leave the house and not worry weird noise is going to escape my body without warning. It's humiliating. Why write about it and make it public? I don't know, it's just how G-d made me to be. I've had some really great days and I know there will be many more, it's just days like these that bring you to your knees with tears of sorrow, grief, anger, and frustration just pour out. Aria and Isaiah, my two little miracles come up to me and hug me for no reason. They seem to know something isn't right. Isaiah will come and hold my hand and tell me that I am the best Mom in the world. My little buddy. The same one that asks me everyday if I can come out and play, to which I almost always respond, "I'm sorry, I can't." Or Aria, every time they go somewhere she asks if I am going to the doctor and then proceeds to kiss me on the cheek and goes back to playing. With my Bolthouse Farms drink, I was able to do more, but now it's like starting all over again. They are growing up so fast. These are stages we'll never get back. They will never want to be with us and much as they want to be now. They literally need us. As we read in Lamentations and the Psalms, the authors pour their heart and souls out, and that is where I am at. O Lord how long? I want to be restored now! I don't want to be a downer, I want to be someone that people gravitate to. May I have the grace I need to get through this. Will you believe for me today? Pray in belief that I am being healed and that this will all be just a tiny piece of my story. I just keep on thinking of a song by Steven Curtis Chapman and the chorus is "Out of these ashes beauty will rise." G-d is with me, I know He is. He is faithful even when I can't see. Tomorrow will be a better day, it just has to be.