Reasons

I have been trying hard to be optimistic while being real, but for today I will document my feelings whole heartedly. Each day I wake up praying to G-d. Lately I feel my thoughts and coordination slipping away from me, without much that I can really do. The last few days I have been so hungry and have actually had to restrain myself from eating to much, because my my eyes are bigger than my stomach. I have been lucky to break 800 calories in a day. I need at least 1500 to maintain my weight. I am beyond frustrated and I am trying hard to not ask G-d "why?" "Why do I always have something to deal with, why these things that there isn't much in the way of helping?" I had a friend email me that her Mom is on a non FDA approved drug that works really well. It's called Domperidone. I don't remember why our doc didn't approve this or if it was my reaction. When Seth looked it up, it was not approved by the FDA due to cardiac arrest issues regarding the IV form. Some have said it "put the fear" in them, which I think meant it gave them panic attacks. But my friend's Mom swears by it. It's expensive and insurance doesn't cover it, and it's a gamble. I need prayers that the Lord would guide us what to do. I am still losing weight and trying hard to force feed myself. I have been even doing clinical strength Ensure, but it makes me really sick. I need to find the right foods that can go down, stay down, and and break down easily and I need them, now. Dr. F. gave me a weight that I am fast approaching that I know I'd have to hospitalized. The hard thing is, is it isn't as simple as a tube down my throat, it have to be surgically placed into my lower abdomen to by pass my stomach, and I am saying with tears, I don't want this to happen. I am praying this Domperidone would be an option and that it would have no negative side effects. I placed the call this morning and am waiting to hear back from him. He does procedures all day, so I have to wait. I am trying to have faith in G-d, to trust that he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, but I am human and I am worn out. I am trying hard to soak in my kids and will myself to fight harder. Being that this is such a unusual diagnosis it doesn't sound as scary as most. I asked the doctor if you can die from gastroparesis and he said no. Then I asked him, do you die from malnutrition because of it, and he said "yes." I don't think it widely common, due to heath care, but I don't want to get to that point either. People that haven't seen me are shocked at how I look. It's one thing to say you are losing weight, it's another to see it. I am waiting on the Lord, but I am even finding quiet time so difficult. My attention span in null and void right now, along with my memory. Dear friends, I to be plainly honest I am terrified. I know fear is a sin and I am begging G-d to shield me from it. I want to live. I want to live well. I am forcing myself to get out of the house at least once a day, even if it's just to pick Isaiah up from school. I have gone to mall for a short time and even made it to a meeting, but I was saddened today when I couldn't get up for the first day of my new bible study. I so badly want to do this one too. I love Beth Moore and her words and the way she makes the bible stories and G-d come alive are life giving. I see Aria and Isaiah running around, squealing for me to join in on their make believe scenerio's, only to say I can't. They almost don't ask me anymore. I can't go out, not like this. Seeing Isaiah's love of school, I want so much to see him grow into his own wonderful person. Whether he's a garbage man or a professor, I don't care, as long as he is happy and loves the Lord and his family. Same with Aria, my little girl that I have so begged to have. She is finally interested in girly things and loves this ballerina bear that we named "Bella." She carries her everywhere and I just want to be sure to guide her into being confident in herself so that she isn't afraid like I have been. Both of them are miracles from G-d. After losing Aurora and Eli, we wondered if we would even be able to have one child, just one! But we have two, a boy and a girl. They brighten my lives with each snuggle and kiss and stress me to no end with their kid antics, but I love them with my whole heart and would do anything for them. My husband, dear Seth. I couldn't have asked for a better man if I even tried. He's as handsome is as he is sweet. He cares for me with such unconditional love. He tells me I am beautiful even when I can barely stand and my face is all broke out with stinky medicine breath. He literally wipes my tears any time I cry and when I need something, I don't have to ask twice. He's given up getting together with his friends just to take care of me. He almost never complains and he does it with such a giving heart. I wish I was more like him. He is so full of G-d's fruit, you don't even understand. He is so full of love, compassion, joy, peace, self control, kindness, hope, and even peace. His trust level in G-d is amazing. I find myself in a constant battle of me acting in the flesh instead of the spirit. I am so reactive and yet I long to be more like Christ each day. Yet the harder I try, the worse I seem to do. I don't know what the answer is. I keep on hoping G-d will send and angel that will tap me on my shoulder and give me wise words of counsel that would never make me doubt or fear ever again. I find myself wondering, what have I done wrong? What haven't I learned? Why can't I just have a break? Or at least do it with grace and dignity. I have seen some of those who are so sick and even dying that do it with such grace and trust. I want that! I want to have unshakable faith that would make the devil tremble. I wonder if because I get scared or anxious so easily maybe my faith isn't strong enough. I want it to be. I believe, but why do I so easily waver? I want to be so full of peace that it would just flow out and around me. My middle name is Joy-Shalom. Joy and peace, oh if I had a steady firm grasp, nothing would move me. So I am praying and will continue to, since I know G-d will never leave me, nor forsake me. I am praying for trust, faith, peace, and wisdom, especially in deciding about this med. I need to eat, I want to live. I want to bring Glory to G-d's name in all that I do. He has seen me through so much and I know I will be better because of this, it's the unknowns that are so hard. I want to live, Lord, I want to live. Please hold me and my family in your prayers. I pray a great testimony of G-d's love and grace would come from this. One day many years from now, my soul mate Seth and I would be rocking on the porch with our white hair holding each others hands and talking about all of these obstacles and how G-d saw us through while I calmly gaze into his love filled eyes with joy and peace.