The Little Things

It's odd, when you are going through something, how much more aware of the little things that you become. I remember being pregnant with Aurora and Elijah, how I savored each movement and each moment that I had with them. I never knew if it would be our last, so I just became so in tune with them. I'm glad, those are memories forever etched in my mind and they are priceless. After each of their deaths I also became aware of how much we take things for granted. I quickly learned that possessions, money, status, didn't really matter. It was the time. Time is something you can't really buy. It is for the Lord to divvy it out and how we choose to use it, is up to us. I am guilty of squandering my time. You'd think after all that we have been through that I'd be the first to cherish each moment. As I got farther and farther from the loss of the kids, I became more wrapped up in the world. I have taken life for granted, a lesson I thought I'd never have to re-learn. I have found myself complaining and whining over the most dumb things like it was the end of the world. What did it gain me? Stress, bitterness, a broken stomach, and whole lotta wasted time. I soon forgot to thank the Lord for each day, and instead complained I had gained to much weight, or couldn't get out of the past with issues that had long been gone. I think our society has become so fast paced and so self centered that we don't even realize the lack of compassion. You'll here in place others talking about Joe so and so who has cancer, followed by, that's to bad. Then followed by, "Mmm that chicken looks wonderful, let's order that!" Really? I liken it to the news, where the broadcaster has just announced some horrible tragedy with almost a monotone voice then switches over to "in other news, the weather is going to be a sunny 80 degree day, right Bob?" Then they banter and go on. I realize due to the volume of tragedy we can't immerse ourselves in it, or else we'd all be depressed and crazy, but there is also something so humbling about taking the time to enter into someone else's pain. It makes you realize how fortunate you really are, even if you too are suffering. Me of all people should know better, and yet I too have done this. It almost becomes to much to handle the amount of tumult in this world. I have so many friends, each battling their own personal struggles. We need community to help hold us up in these days of trials or else it leaves someone lying in depression alone. I think back and wonder how often I could have done something nice for someone else in the time I took to complain that my life wasn't going the way I wanted. After Seth had gotten fixed, I was so angry that the choice to have kids was taken away, when I still wanted more. Never mind the fact that I have 2 beautiful healthy children, that in the eyes of science we should have never had. Never mind the fact that at least I was able to be pregnant 6 times, when some can't even be even once! Never mind that I complained about my healthy two, but still wanted more? What is that? Ungrateful. I don't feel condemned, I feel convicted. I am seeing things through glasses I have looked through before, but chose not to remember. I would complain to Seth that I was tired of spending $ on acid reflux medication and my old clunky hearing aids. Now we are facing hundreds of dollars for medications/medical bills every month, just to keep me alive. To help my body do the simple things that I took for granted every single day, I now need medicine or else I am in big trouble. I never thought this could happen to me. So often you see people on TV say the same thing as I'd casually flip by the channel when I got bored of listening to another person weep in their demise. Depressing! Did I really become that desensitized? The worst is when someone would call begging for prayers, in which I'd do for a little bit, but then forget because I had other pressing issues like my house isn't as big as my friends. Oh to slap my foolish face!! If I could even go back 4 months from now and shake myself and shout "wake up!!! You are so blessed! Stop being so stuck on yourself and be grateful for what you have! You see that food that you are complaining makes you fat? You aren't going to be able to eat it anymore in a few months! Wake up!" I was moving my fingers around last night and thinking, so many people in the world can't even do this, how blessed am I. I don't know what the future holds for me, with or without a diagnosis, we don't know how much time we have left. Each moment is a blessing. Even when I am bedridden and can't get going, I can still choose to be grateful to be alive, to be loved by so many, to be thankful to G-d for every single moment that goes by. It doesn't mean that I won't still have pain, or be scared, or even have moments of anger. I can follow up all my prayers, requests, plea's, with a "but thank you for....." None of us are promised tomorrow, but it's what we do with each moment that matters. Don't be like me, who it takes major life changes to make me realize these things. How blessed we are to do the simple things in life that we never even think twice about. Aria about does flips if you get her a cup of water! Have you ever notice kids just appreciate things so much more? You can give them a box or a pad of paper and it's like they won the lottery! Faith like a child and appreciation like a child. Seth has to run to the store more often, we have found that some foods work and some don't so we are buying things in smaller quantities till we find what works. So he ran out last night and I went to microwave myself a cup of tea. When we thought I had gastritis I wasn't able to drink tea, but now I can!! So as I am waiting for my cup to boil the microwave dies. Yep, right in the middle. Normally, I would have gotten on the phone and whined and oh no! What are we going to do!? Instead, I picked up the phone and called Seth and had ourselves a good laugh. So what, the microwave broke, there are worse things. Seth is actually trying to fix it, which he loves to do, so if anything it gives him a project. Will it be fixed? These are things I'd obsess about, but now it's more of an after thought. That my dear is G-d working on my heart and mind, shaping me to react to what is really important. We have bigger fish to fry. We have gotten access to the non FDA approved meds and now we are praying if I should take it, so I'd appreciate the prayers for magnified guidance. I am still struggling with eating. Last night it just sat there for hours, it almost felt a bit like I was suffocating on it. Still, G-d was good and had me not panic. I am trying to focus on the good things and not let those thoughts of the "what if's" overtake me. I try and list all the good things I am thankful for and really see the good in all that G-d has blessed me with. I am trying to be conscious of the thoughts going into my head and what comes out of my mouth. My self restraint is definitely not where I'd like it to be, but G-d is changing me and I am learning the two things I have always struggled with are up to bat, Trust and Patience. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, for miracles to descend upon our household. May we all become aware of those in need and be grateful all that we have, because you just never know how much you might change someones life in an action that you do or words that you may say. I love watching the The Little House on the Prairie. In one hour their problems are all solved and goodness always overtakes the bad. Yes, G-d's goodness is ever present, let's use it and snuff out the enemy. I have to go now, Aria wants to do my hair. I wonder what do I'll get today?!