Asking

It's so strange being an adult. I remember being a child and each day seemed like a week. You could barely hold out for dinner because you were "starving!" It seemed that you had to wait, for everything. I was quite bit smaller than most kids my age, and one of the most frustrating things for me was the sink. I hated having to ask for a drink of water any time I wanted one, but I was too short to reach it myself. I became part monkey and scaled my way up and down the drawers to reach the counter. I still remember the day I went to my Grandma's house and actually could reach! It was like the gates of Heaven had opened up and I could hear angels singing in my greatest achievement. Apparently I was a child that appreciated the simple things in life? Now I find myself continuously surprised that another day, month, season, and year have gone by. I also catch myself saying "Kids these days!" or "when I was kid I never would have gotten away with that," or "I had to wash my dishes by hand!" To see Isaiah off to school reminds me of my kindergarten days and I can't help but wonder how he sees things. He eagerly loves to go to school and seems to have transitioned quite nicely. Aria, on the other hand is devastated. She screamed and cried that she wants to go to school and frankly, I don't blame her. Not only is her constant companion no longer around, but now she has to sit at home, alone, with me. Poor kid. Before I had gotten sick, I was pretty excited to think of all the bonding we'd do alone, playing tea parties, going to the library, etc. I still am on a steady decline of losing weight. We are trying every drink, blender, thing possible to get me to eat more. Today, it seems my food is barely digesting at all, even in small blended liquid form. I have faith in G-d, in fact my faith has grown quite a bit. I find Him showing up in places unexpected to give me a boost. Unfortunately, we also have an adversary who has shown up. While looking up cures and things to help me, I am finding horror story after horror story about how serious this thing really can get, even death. I didn't know and I cried hard yesterday. There is no cure for this. Some people are slightly affected, while others are no longer. There is a wide variant and there is little help. I found myself crying for my kids, I love them so much and I want them to be able to know me, not remember me. I am nearing 100 pounds and I find myself constantly out of breath and barely able to do small things. Seth has even begun to teach Isaiah how to dial 911, just in case. This just seems so wrong. My mind is willing and wanting, while my body just can't keep up. I am praying. I don't want to die. I feel I have so much left to do. I know that I am saved by the blood of Jesus, but I want G-d to say "Well done good and faithful servant." At this point in my life, I don't feel I have done much to please Him. I have been selfish and really haven't done much to help others. I have been working on some questions and I came across a study bible question. It said "Are you trying to learn about G-d to just get something or escape Hell or do you really want to know Him?" The question gripped me. I'll be honest, for so many years I went to church and did things, just so I could say I did them and be saved from going to hell. Also to see my kids, to be protected and not have to go through anymore trials and tribulations. Then I began to see a pattern. I wanted to know G-d so he would stop punishing me or save me, not to know Him because I loved Him. I am finally getting a taste of Him and I want to know Him more so I can teach my kids and really live out how He wants us to live out life. I want to show love so others can feel loved, not just preach so I sound righteous. G-d is a G-d of love and I want to trust Him. Yet satan caught me in a snare. It's always easy to tell someone it's going to be okay when you haven't walked in their shoes. It's easy to tell them to stop being scared when you haven't felt their pain. I feel terrible not being able to get together with my friends and having to now cancel because of bad days that are more often than not. It scares me. I don't want to just disappear. My mind is still fully going, I just can't get my body up and going. Even just picking up Isaiah from school is so hard. I have never dared leave the house without my makeup, contacts, hair straightened,and ensemble fully put together. Lately, I just can't do it. I am fighting hard, but this thing is so darn unpredictable. Today I was so hungry, I took a few bites and it just sat there, for hours. My stomach growled and snarled but I guess the food couldn't go down. I don't get it, how did this happen? Why can't they make it better? I've read things about people going to doctor after doctor and having surgeries, meds, and still nothing. I am afraid to weigh myself, each day it seems the scale goes down and I can't do anything to make it stay or go back up. I feel weak and my memory and concentration are barely there. I want to go out, but what do I say, no one wants to hear someone complain and whine. I need a miracle, an all out miracle. I won't go on as I probably look pretty pathetic or whiney, but I will ask for prayers, real constant prayers that G-d would heal my stomach and digestive system, that he would UN paralyze it and that it would go back to normal. I am praying for energy and to gain HEALTHY weight (you can gain bad weight, but that is do to complications) I am desperate, I need a miracle. I want to be apart of my kids lives that I have so dearly prayed for, not just a bystander. I was reading in my bible study and I feel G-d pointed these verses out to me, Psalm 18: 3-6,16-19. I would normally write this out, but I am too exhausted. I believe that G-d is good, and He is worthy of our prayers whether life is what we want or don't want it to be. In the end, our lives are about Him, not us. It doesn't make me cry any less and I am not ashamed because He created me to be this way. So I am reaching my hands out to you and ask to help "hold me up" in prayers. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed. Lord you are worthy to be praised, even while I cry out, still I will praise you.