Inspiration

Some of you may have noticed that I had a really bad night on Monday. With all of this, my sugar levels are all over the place due to the fact that my brain isn't registering that there is food in my stomach. So the food sits there and ferments (lovely picture, I know) and cause my brain to think it isn't being fed. So I was reminded that cinnamon is a good stabilizer. Before all of this happened I put cinnamon in everything to help bring my cholesterol down, and it worked! I love cinnamon, so why not? The biggest mistake I made is that I used it out of a shaker and probably added to much and maybe it got stuck, I don't know. All I know is slowly I felt burning filling my chest, reminiscent to my very first June episode. I was confused, since I had always used this cinnamon and it's rather bland, so I figured it would just pass, besides I am on, as my dear friend says, "the Cadillac of all acid reducers," so it couldn't happen as bad, right? Wrong. I was drinking as much water as I could to try and flush it out when my stomach seemed to seize up. Nothing would go in, nothing would go out. I started to sweat as it spread through my chest and I felt as though someone had dumped gasoline and acid on me and threw a match to may it explode. Mind you, I have GERD, so I am used to acid issues. This makes GERD look like a walk in the park. The nausea and pain were overwhelming and I was looking for anything that would put the fire out. Nothing helped. I kept on reminding myself that if I went to the hospital that I already knew what they would give me, 2 of which I had at home, while the other being something I don't want to try. So I prayed and pleaded. As I lay on the couch I kept on saying out loud "still, I will praise you," to remind myself that He won't forsake me, so I can't forsake Him. I seemed to drift in and out of consciousness, the pain was so overwhelming. I knew I had to let Seth sleep to get to work and I didn't want to wake the kids. Mind you, I hate hospitals. One might read my posts and think me to be a hypochondriac. I am pretty much the opposite because of one huge issue, I hate germs. Therefore, I hate doctor's offices and you guessed it, hospitals. I will do anything to avoid them. Even when the kids have to go, I try to double up appts. so we don't have to go twice. Remember, I wasn't this way till after Eli was alive and the doctors told us every scenario of what passes through those doors and then he died. By the time Seth got up, I was barely coherent due to all that had happened and he thought I was sleepy. Later he called to check on me and when he realized what had happened he ran home to get things situated. Thank the Lord for Seth and my Mother in law, because I was in trouble. Long story, short, back to square one. Called the doc and they were surprised that cinnamon would do so much damage and were pretty empathetic. What could I do, but ride the couch. The weird thing is, my appetite was still alive and kicking. I wanted desperately to eat, but knew better. I ended up trying my magic drink the following day and my stomach said "what in Pete's sake do you think you are doing?! Leave me alone!" So needless to say, I started to get really frustrated. Besides these symptoms, there is more to picture that is going on, but it doesn't need to be discussed. I found myself getting angry. At least if I had tried some fried chicken or the chinese/mexican food that I have been craving since all this started, at least I would have had some sort of reason and satisfaction, but cinnamon?? Come on! That's insulting. I have done what they told me to do and still it can happen!! I have kids to take care of! This can't happen now, try me in 10-20 years when they are more self sufficient! As soon as I realized where my thoughts were going, I put on Joyce Meyer. She started saying that self pity is idolatry. Okay, I get it, but what about when you are in true pain! I yelled back at the TV and told her off, but she didn't seem to care:D Seth later on heard the Ed Dobson had some movie clips out of his story and showed one to me. I think it was Consider the Birds. Obviously, I am not comparing my situation to someone who has ALS or going to war, but it hit home and I sobbed. At one point he says that he realized we don't control squat. I burst into tears. The movie is way more profound than that, but something about that situation hit a nerve. This is not fair, what he is going through isn't fair, what millions of people are going through isn't fair. I feel that I have more than put in my time with all that we have already been through. Sometimes I feel like a jinx. Later I spoke with Seth's Mom who I found out, had the the whole DVD. I asked her if we could watch it when they were done. She must have known how much I needed to see this, because later she brought it over and I am so grateful that she did. I am not from this area, so I didn't even know really who Ed was. I learned he headed Calvary Church and much, much more. I ended up meeting him when I was first pregnant with Aria (didn't know it though). He was speaking at our church and I was blown away by what he had to say. I was still struggling with the kids death and on top of that, Isaiah was at a very difficult stage. I went up to him after the service and told him my concerns about my worry that I didn't have enough faith. There was more to it than that, but he spoke with me for a little while why I cried to a man that has ALS. He was so empathetic, so real, and so comforting. I never forgot his kindness. Later he spoke again at our church, only this time I was super pregnant with Aria, and when he saw me, he remembered me. He was going to speak at our church again a few weeks later and I told him I had hoped I could be there. I think he said something along the lines of "do you think that's really a good idea?" It turned out I did miss the service because our little lady was born. Each time he has been there, we have tried not to miss him. When he speaks, you listen. He speaks a language that goes straight to my inner core. So last night Seth popped in the DVD and we watched each video in complete silence with tears pouring down our faces. It wasn't that it was super sad, it was the truth that he so simply puts, that makes Heaven and Earth collide. As I said on FB, if anyone who is struggling with life whether it's an illness or some life changing issue, walking with someone, or is just plain human, you need to watch this. His words give truth with hope. For me, his words made me realize that I am grieving. I am grieving a life that I thought was supposed to be the way I wanted, and it's not. The more I try and control and to keep "safe" the more I realize, it's not there. Life isn't fair. You don't get your check marks in the sky stating, she over came this, so she'll never have anything hard to deal with again. I think when I look at the things that we have gone through all the way down to the little things, if someone told me that this was their life story, I might not believe them. I might think they are being dramatic and really, could that much stuff happen to one family? Yet, there are others, at the same time, who have gone through even much more than we are and have and will do so. It doesn't devalue my pain, it doesn't devalue my struggle, it just re-emphasizes that this world is fallen. There is a time for everything and one of the things I think we all want to skip is grieving and pain. What we don't realize is that those valley cock a poopy moments, are the ones that shape us, that prepare, and that will make us who we are. Seeing Ed's honest rawness gave me hope that how I express my pain, is good. I feel validated. It's okay to feel. It's okay to be scared. I feel that so often we have become to caught up in the shiny Christian mentality. Yes, we have Jesus! Yes, we have hope! But we are called to love one another and to help meet the needs of one another, and brokenness is a part of that picture. As I last said, we need community, ESPECIALLY when we are struggling. That is when we need each other the most! G-d has said, he is close to the broken hearted and we are called to be too. To mimic Him, is to honor Him. I know I am learning that I need to make more of an effort to meet with people I know that are hurting to sit there quietly and let them talk and resist the urge to offer advice, even if I think I have the perfect answer. Or at least ask them questions to allow them to answer what they deem that they want to answer and to just be there. I just assumed that because I am not rich, I can't buy them a gift to cheer them up like I'd like to, and well, I am not arts and crafty, but I can do something, which is to just be there. To not judge. To not fix. To just remind them that they are not forgotten, they do matter, and that I love them. Every now and again I hear that someone had died, but that they can't handle going to the funeral and it's just creepy. You know what? We are all going to die. We all have to face our loved ones going before us. It's an honor and a privilege to step beyond your comfort zone to help families who are completely broken. I heard a lot with Eli, people said that to me. PS, wrong thing to say to a grieving parent. It isn't about you. It's about the family that has lost their loved one. I find people in my parents generation, out of respect, make sure to go. We need to learn something from that. It's is not meant to be fun, it's done to respect the one who has passed on and to honor the Lord for the life that we were blessed to share in. One day, you will find yourself on that other side of the receiving line, and I guarantee you, you will appreciate those people who show up. Even the ones who say silly things, because they love you. Wow, I don't even know where that came from. Must have been needed to be said. I find myself telling people more than I ever have in my life that I love them. I am realizing those words need to be said. I am not perfect, I don't have it all figured out, but I am learning. G-d's goodness is all around us. But it's also a choice to take part in. I think part of that goodness is realizing loss, loss of loved ones, loss of control, yet knowing G-d will keep His promises. Tomorrow is Elijah's 7th birthday. I still can't believe that he isn't here anymore. It's not that I am stuck, it's that I am still and always will be his Mom. His and Aurora's life have forever impacted us, they reminded us how fragile life really is and how blessed we are to be there parents. It stinks they aren't here, but G-d entrusted us with such sacred time with them and I am finding that to be something special. I still find myself stuttering when people ask me how many kids I have. They didn't just disappear. They won't come back to me, but some day, I will go to them. Just because time has passed, my love and their importance will never fade. You too know what I am talking about. Whether it was your child, spouse, parents, sibling, a dear friend, or maybe the hope of someone you had longed to hold. You will never forget their memories and they are priceless. This might seem like a repeat of my last post, but really I feel my eyes getting wider. While we are here, we have a change to embody what it is that we truly believe. I think if we asked a good chunk of Americans what religion they were, they'd say Christian. Yet if you follow us around, do we embody what it is that we know Christ called us to do? I haven't. We are all sinners, but I find myself living for the approval of others and gratification of my own selfish wants, and that isn't right. I have a chance to change this. G-d isn't the G-d of second chances, He is the G-d of countless. I am that prodigal daughter and something tells me, this won't be my last time of running away. Still, He is faithful, even when it hurts. So far, after each of my inspirational posts, the next day I find to be really hard. It's like satan wants to say, it isn't true. But it is, He is faithful. I don't know what He has in store for me. Will He fully heal me on my own? Will there be a cure? Or will it be another way? I don't know. I do know that all I ever have to be, is what He made me. I do know we have a friend of ours battling cancer and his tolerance is getting low. I know a faithful woman, whose son is battling Leukemia. I know another woman (who is like another Mother) who almost lost her life to a fluke infection and has just finished her last IV antibiotic and is doing well. I know several woman who I love dearly, who just long to have a child in their arms. I also know a little boy and a little girl whom I held under my heart for months, who are now in eternity. I also had two others whom I barely met, that one day I will celebrate finding out who they are. I don't pretend to say that it gets easier, it just becomes a new normal. For me, it's no longer about missing the food itself, it's about staying alive and being healthy. It's about missing something I took for granted. For now, it is my new normal. I won't be ashamed to ask for help, for prayers, to feel weak, to feel strong, to feel. Yet I know after I get done feeling, I place my trust in Him because He is good, faithful, loving, and kind. In the morning I have been putting on a CD and one of the chorus's are "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah, He reigns...." I found Isaiah and Aria singing it over and over while running around chasing after each other. I found myself stunned with their innocence and beauty. Faith like a child. I need faith like a child, because He does reign. I highly recommend Ed's DVD you can find it at http://edsstory.com/ Maybe you'll get something totally different out of it than I did, but I guarantee you, you'll get something out of it. May you be inspired to lay down the ways of this world. May you be inspired to love a little more deeper. Maybe you already do and this is nothing to you, than may you be an inspiration to others. As always, I am grateful that you have allowed me into your home to speak out my thoughts. Thank you for every prayer, thank you for each word or token of encouragement, I am truly grateful. Please continue your prayers, I still believe I will be healed. May you know that you are loved and that you do make a difference. G-d is with us, we just need to take the time to listen. Watch, Pray, Believe, and always be amazed. "... Never will He leave us, never will he forsake us...."

His Goodness

This was a tough weekend for me. I wasn't able to meet my calorie intake and of course the chest palpitations. On top of that I ended up getting a horrible migraine that triggered muscle knots on the upper left part of my body. I have only had these happen a couple of times and they are freaky weird. The muscles seem to constrict so tightly that it messes up the nerves which renders numbness and lack of coordination in my hands and arms. Thankfully, I know what it is. So today I am going to the BEST chiropractor, Linda Kunce (right in Grand Rapids) who does amazing things and has really helped me out in ways medicine can't touch (including muscle relaxers). So you're probably wondering where I am headed with all of this. Well, we cut back my sugar intake and meds to see if my chest pains went away and they didn't. This morning I didn't wake up with the palpitations and decided to reassess things. I am my own advocate and I have to keep on trying. So with my dwindling appetite and lack of calories, I called on my drink, Mr. Bolthouse Farms Protein Plus. Immediately, I felt better. I was able to get the kids dressed, something to eat, and move around. The best part, my appetite came back. I can't figure out why it works, but it does. I am up to 900 and by this time yesterday, not so much. I feel like a yo yo, up and down. Last night as I was talking to G-d, I just felt him say, talk about my goodness. He also reminded me of a prayer I had back in February. I was doing amazingly well. I remember asking G-d to challenge my faith to see if I could walk that I was talking. I thought that challenge was the cleanse. I guess it wasn't. Did this all come on because of a prayer, I don't know, but it got me re-accessing my thoughts and actions. I am persevering in this struggle and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks except for Him. I always find myself so hyper focused on what others think about me, am I too whiny? Wimpy? Annoying? Do they not think that I am trying hard enough? Am I a burden? Oh the list goes on. There is no condemnation in Christ, but there is in people, especially myself. I am my own worst critic. So on the flip side, as much as I scream, cry, whine, kick, and complain, I am fighting all the way. G-d created me to be this way, and this is good. He gave me tools so I could battle these wars with weapons. I am telling you, on my tough days, I do not exaggerate, they are bad. So on those days I allow myself to cry and wrestle it out, with the hope of knowing that His goodness with prevail. I have also to learn to rejoice a billion times more and fully recognize and praise Him for even the slightest of better days. Do I feel like a million bucks? No, not today. But I feel better today than I did yesterday and that is enough for me to rejoice. I am so thankful that He has placed people in our lives to intervene at even the simplest of things. These are things I have hardly acknowledged let alone praise Him for. Honestly I am in pain with my muscles, but for some reason the fact that I have been able to eat, has overshadowed the pain. It's still there, but I am still going. This is by the grace of G-d. I so often find myself in my depths of despair wondering what I did to offend Him. Today, I am seeing that maybe this isn't a punishment. Could this actually be a blessing? Maybe, in my suffering I can bring more glory to His name than if I was going along without any bumps in the road. I wouldn't know I needed Him if everything was perfect. Or maybe even if I did know I needed Him, maybe I wouldn't seek Him out as much with authenticity, maybe it'd be more out of obligation. I am a person that tends to get in a rut before I ask for help and He knows that. I need to focus my eyes on the prize, His prize, not the one I want, but the one He wants for me. Even if I don't like how I get it. Do I wish I could have avoided all of this? Right now I do, but I believe in the future I will look back and see how much of His goodness really came through. I am thankful I have faith, without it, I can't imagine where I'd be right now. It's what I cling to, even as I moan and groan, I know He is good. I know my children are with Him and I know one day we will join them with joyful hearts and dancing as we never have to cry again. Elijah's birthday is approaching and I look forward to it with the reminder of how good G-d really is. We got to have a child for 6 1/2 amazingly painful, loving, joyful, miraculous, blessed months. As much of the pain of losing Eli so young is great to bear, we saw G-d move and become real in ways to this day I cannot explain. In suffering there is joy, Lord knows when I think of Elijah Praise, I know this to be true. What he went through on a daily basis, I will never understand, but I do know his life brought Glory to G-d. My boy couldn't eat for the first 28 days of his life. He was so hungry and being close to me, who should have been nursing him probably didn't help matters. There is nothing so terrible as to watch your child cry out in pain or out in desperate hunger, especially when they can't communicate. I am fortunate enough to be able to express myself and do what I can with what I have. Never does it say anywhere in the bible that if we follow Him that we won't suffer. So today, even in my pain I rejoice. The sun is shining, I am able to walk and talk, I have the love of His goodness, and of others, I have a beautiful family both here and in Heaven, and while this isn't easy to go through, I can only pray I can bring Glory to G-d. Please continue your prayers and know that they matter. So today I am mustering up the strength to put on some makeup and put a flower in my hair, because G-d is good.

Untitled

Today is just one of those days that I am going to vent. This is not to get pity or blame anyone, I am just plain frustrated. If I hear one more person say,"G-d doesn't give us more than we can handle," I think I'll cry. That statement hurts. I have buried two children, had two miscarriages, countless other struggles, and now this. I am not saying that He isn't good, I am just saying in my humanness, I am mad/sad. I still believe I am being healed and I still believe that more good is coming out of this than I can imagine, but I am tired. I had to give up my drink that apparently helped me out more than I realized. Between the calories and the vitamins, I was actually starting to feel like a productive member of the household again. I didn't drink any today and I can barely get off the couch. I still haven't gone back to taking the domperidone yet, because I wanted to make sure that I wiped out all other things that might give me rapid heart rate symptoms. I have always been a salt/savory eater, rarely ever ate fruit or sugar. In order to get my calories without fat or fiber, I have begun to eat rice crispy treats and lots of juice to fill in calories that I can't meet with the rest of the diet. Because of this, I have been able to maintain 1700 for the last few days! I thought I had figured out my potion! It wouldn't be fun, but it'll stop me from losing weight. As I look back on my food diary, I am realizing how much sugar I am really consuming and I can't help but wonder if this is what is causing all the erratic heart rate and racing/light headedness that I am feeling. This is a good thing and a bad thing. The good part is, that would mean I could go back to the Domperidone and know it's not hurting me and possible help me out further. The bad part,if I cut back on the sugar, my calories will plummet. The thing is, the juice easily digests and doesn't make me feel full for long, where as regular food sits there. But I find that I am crankier with the sugar. It just makes me feel all jumpy like when I drink caffeine so I am more liable to snap faster. That means I have to cut back. I burst into tears. I don't cry a lot. I don't like to. I'm a yeller, not a crier. Today I cried, a lot. Seth keeps on telling me not to worry, it'll get better, but I'm telling you, with the lack of food, sleep, and energy it could make the sanest person go nuts. He came in the house yesterday and said he needed a snack and then went on about how he only ate a little bit of this, and little bit of that.... I have been trying to be gracious around others, listening about what they have eaten or whatever. After all, it's a part of every day life, so I have to accept this. But it hit a nerve. I just stared at him in disbelief that he was actually complaining to me about not eating enough. Here I am crunching numbers, every single morsel of food that passes through my lips have be recorded with a calorie amount. Each tiny number giving me hope to get through the finish line for the day. I now have to record blood pressures and heart rates to monitor what is going on. I am learning more and more each day, how much I miss being able to go out and pick up eggs and juice, or drive to the beach, have dinner at restaurant, church, or just sitting outside with the kids. I know I will get through this, but it doesn't make the pain or frustration go away right at this moment. I am trying so hard to be positive so I don't become a train wreck. I find I have been asked if I am better yet? Ummm, this isn't one of those things that you pop a pill and voila! Boy do I wish. Oh, that would be so lovely. Please don't think me of minimizing your pain of whatever it is that you bear, I'm just venting. I just want to be better, now. I just want to be able to leave the house and not worry weird noise is going to escape my body without warning. It's humiliating. Why write about it and make it public? I don't know, it's just how G-d made me to be. I've had some really great days and I know there will be many more, it's just days like these that bring you to your knees with tears of sorrow, grief, anger, and frustration just pour out. Aria and Isaiah, my two little miracles come up to me and hug me for no reason. They seem to know something isn't right. Isaiah will come and hold my hand and tell me that I am the best Mom in the world. My little buddy. The same one that asks me everyday if I can come out and play, to which I almost always respond, "I'm sorry, I can't." Or Aria, every time they go somewhere she asks if I am going to the doctor and then proceeds to kiss me on the cheek and goes back to playing. With my Bolthouse Farms drink, I was able to do more, but now it's like starting all over again. They are growing up so fast. These are stages we'll never get back. They will never want to be with us and much as they want to be now. They literally need us. As we read in Lamentations and the Psalms, the authors pour their heart and souls out, and that is where I am at. O Lord how long? I want to be restored now! I don't want to be a downer, I want to be someone that people gravitate to. May I have the grace I need to get through this. Will you believe for me today? Pray in belief that I am being healed and that this will all be just a tiny piece of my story. I just keep on thinking of a song by Steven Curtis Chapman and the chorus is "Out of these ashes beauty will rise." G-d is with me, I know He is. He is faithful even when I can't see. Tomorrow will be a better day, it just has to be.

Update

Hey everyone, just going to make this brief but wanted to keep you in the loop. I took the med yesterday and started to feel funny. Convinced myself it was just a new feeling and kept on going. Ended up going for a slow family walk around the block to try and participate. Half way through my heart felt like it was in my throat and had a hard time breathing. Seth was behind me (parenting Isaiah, if you know what I mean) so he had no idea I was waving to him in distress while he happily waved me back. Got into the house and checked my heart rate. Normally if I have a panic attack, it doesn't go up very much and is pretty consistent, also I can't sit down. With this I could sit down just fine and even watched TV but my rate stayed in the mid 90's. Called on call where they told me to stop and wait for my doc. Other than feeling super jittery, I had a good night. Not nearly as hungry, but didn't burp! I actually burp so much I could make a drunken sailor feel inadequate. It almost sounds like mooing or bleating. Anyway, hardly any! So I think it worked. I spoke with my doc today and they said to try it again and the also with my awesome pharmacist who actually called to check up on me. He said he couldn't forget how little and desperate I looked, and how excited I got with the meds. Anyways, they are having me take a half a dosage. Also, I did realize with one of my supplemental drinks it has a lot of vitamin B in it. I have been using it to give me energy in the morning but never drink it at night. Last night I did before the walk, so we are praying that is what it is. I might take some more tonight, although they want me close by a hospital just in case, so we might put it off till tomorrow. Either way, say some prayers, I am so hopeful. Love to you all and thanks for not judging all my grammar and messed up words;) Keep Praying!!!

This is the Day

I am so excited to report some great news today. I have been clinging to G-d and he has not let me down. On Monday I hit a low I haven't hit sit Elijah passed away. Seth urged me to get out. We have been needing to get Isaiah's eye glass prescription changed for months now, but just haven't come up with the money. We called and they said that we had a protection plan and this time that they'd just charge us $25! Sweet! As we were walking around the mall, my old enemy panic started to creep up in my throat. I couldn't believe it, a panic attack in the mall. I was able to keep my composure well enough that Seth didn't realize it. When I got the most depressing thought, of, why am I even here anymore? The thought permeated my brain and followed with a, your just a burden, everyone would be better off without you. I couldn't believe it. I actually stopped and looked at Seth and started to cry. I was so horrified that I could even entertain a thought like that for a slight moment. As fast as it came, I felt a pull, almost as if an angel interceded on my behalf and grabbed my face to look at Aria and Isaiah skipping and laughing ahead of us, while holding hands. Then the thought of, You prayed for these children, they need you and Seth needs you. You are more than a conquer, you are clothed in righteousness. Seriously, if we could have made a movie out of this moment, it was gripping. I imagine a dark entity next to me with his snake like lies and then a heavenly angel dressed in white pulling me to truth. I was stunned. I went from a horribly devastating thought to truth? Seriously, I don't ever recall having anything of this magnitude happen so fast. I didn't even know how to process all of this, so in a daze we went to pick up Isaiah's glasses which they gave to us for FREE! I knew it was G-d. We went home and I told Seth what happened. We prayed together while I cried. There is more to this story, but I don't have much time before getting over to the school. All I can say is that G-d has intervened. I believed He has and is healing me. I don't know how to explain it, but He is. I talked with a woman the other night who has gastroparesis and she gave me some advice that I have followed. She called the very night I had these thoughts, G-d sent her at just the precise moment because I was still reeling from all that had happened. She just told me to eat, whatever sounds good, just within reason eat. So the next day, that's what I did. Yesterday, for the first time in 3 1/2 months, I ate 1,700 calories, not only that, but didn't even get slightly sick. This is crazy! I can't remember the last time I have felt this alive! Today, I am already at about 850, this is with no medicine. We went to a prayer group yesterday and the man who leads spoke directly to me he said some pretty profound things that absolutely resonated with me. There is power in my thoughts and power in my words of truth. I need to believe the words that are coming out of my mouth. And I do, I am am being healed. As a side note, I just have to say, I can't say enough about the importance of community. When we at our weakest, we need others to lift us up. If you find yourself in a situation with someone who you don't know how to help because their husband just left them, their child died, they have been diagnosed with a disease, or whatever. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and you feel bad because you can't fix it, so you just don't say anything or maybe even avoid the person. I am telling you, this is so painful, silence is painful. Don't let that person suffer in silence. Maybe you can't fix it, you can believe for healing for the person and pray, but in the meantime to come alongside the person and enter into their pain by just listening, is one of the most priceless gifts you can give. Don't let it be an elephant in the room situation. Don't act like nothing is wrong. Just be there, even if it's just calling to hear them cry, sitting them, whatever... I believe G-d gave us community to give us something tangible to hang onto when everything else is falling apart. Their husband might not come back, their child is still deceased, their illness may persist, but it's your presence that will give them hope to hang on. You can be apart of that hope!!!! G-d has brought many people into my life at this time, and I am beyond grateful. Really, a phone call has been a thing that has made the difference between day and night. The list goes on, there is so much power in making that step to talk to the old widow down the street that no one seems to visit. We have the power to make a difference instantly, and in that we honor the words that Jesus taught us. We must love others as we love ourselves. How might you feel if you were on the opposite side of the coin? I'm telling you, isolation is where the devil does his best work, trust me. I say this not to be preachy, but as someone who has experienced both sides of this. I am so thankful for the community that has held me up throughout this, and I am thankful that they will continue to, till I am well enough, where upon I can take up my own words of advice. I can't tell you how much this whole thing has changed my life, but still even in my tears I repeat, Still I will praise you. He is still good. Today after Seth gets home and my favorite Mother in law comes over I am going to take the domperidone. Please pray that this would drug would be a positive help in G-d's healing and there would be no side effects. I should be taking it around 4:30-5? Prayers are so important, I am living proof that they work. Please keep them going as I am expecting FULL healing. You are all so special to me. Thank you for your prayers, your messages, your encouragement. I love people and I am realizing how wonderful each and everyone of you really are. Still I praise you O Lord, I say this with belief. Watch, Pray, Believe, and ever Be Amazed. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice!!! and be glad in it. Believing in miracles (Eli's slogans are still here!)

While I wait

It seems anytime I post a positive message, the enemy decides to pick a fight with me. The last few days had been pretty uneventful, which in my mind means, FABULOUS! I started to feel a bit funny by the middle of the day and attributed to a failed beet, potato, and tofu soup that turned out as terrible as it sounds. I only took a bite or two, but it seemed to kill my appetite. I have been living off of rice crispy treats, weird? Yes, I know. A lot of people on line suggested it, and believe it or not, it works, for a while. I am not much a of a sweet eater to begin with, so it's okay, but I'll do anything at this point. Slowly, this feeling of tightening began above my stomach leaving me feeling pretty crummy. It's almost like when you eat to big of a piece of meat or a giant horse pill and it gets stuck, that's what it feels like and no glass of water can make it go away. It lasted for hours. I tried some alternate breathing methods and some deep breathing exercises to shift my focus. All the while the hours are passing, the symptoms are getting worse, finally nausea rears it's ugly head and I feel a mess. I tried to sleep anyway, but it was anything but restful. Again, I tried to remember my words and not focus on the symptoms but just try to get through it. Seth woke up and knew I was in a world of ick and prayed over me. He felt so bad leaving me, but he had to go to work. This whole thing really seems to be about balance. I am no longer really thinking about food and craving it anymore. I don't salivate watching commercials, in fact most of the time, I cringe. I saw a commercial for a steak house where they drop the steak on a plate and of course it's supposed to tantalize your taste buds as they cut into it and take a hearty bite. I am thinking it to be one of G-d's graces that lately all I can think of, is that it would sit in my stomach for HOURS!!! So for the most part, the temptation is leaving me. I do think about Olive Garden's spinach artichoke dip and olive, but not really anything else. I no longer live to eat, I eat to live. I guess it's a good thing, yet I guess I am lamenting a joy in my life that right now I can't participate in. Then it hit me this morning. I went to put on a pair of pants that were way to tight last week and now they are actually a little loose. The fear gripped me and the ugly thoughts poured into my ears about not being able to survive and then the tears poured out. All I could think is someone else is going to take my place and my kids are going to call her Mom without many positive memories of me due to being so young. The thought of Seth holding another woman in his arms made me sob even more. Of course I wouldn't want him to go through the rest of his life alone, but I want to be the one by his side! I want to be one to go prom shopping with Aria or take Isaiah to a dinosaur exhibit. I want to live! I have so many people surrounding me with positive words of encouragement, telling me G-d is with me. Yes, He is, but He also decided to take Aurora and Elijah home. He is faithful and sovereign. I am still trying so hard to wrap my pea brained mind around this word. I know He is good and just, but I am weak right now. I am holding on to hope and I know He can cure me in an instant, if He so chooses. Will He make that choice? I don't want to be in a hospital bed with tubes all over, I want to go apple picking with the kids and take pictures in the leaves. I want to go to my woman's groups and studies and pour over His words of hope and help others out. I want to get beyond myself and do good so I can be more like Him. Not being afraid and so frail. We live in a day and age where it seems we have treatments for everything, how on earth did I get this weird one? I keep reminding myself that He says "Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you." He is here and He is faithful. I know He is close to the broken hearted, so he has to be near. I lost some more weight and now we are waiting on the doctor to tell us what to do. I am assuming there won't be much he can do except give me the dosage of the domperidone. I am just praying if that is the case that it works with NO side effects. I need the nutrition. I get so light headed even trying to stand up. It's so hard to just sit here and wait. So often we tell others, it'll be okay, but what if it isn't? I have two young kids who really need me. I want to enjoy these beautiful blessings that I have been allowed to parent. I want to cook my family a good wholesome meal that doesn't include peanut butter or cheese! Seth keeps on reminding me that the doctor's won't let me slip away, but I can't help but think.... I am trying so hard to just keep on living and do the basics and be positive, but as my heart seems to be louder and harder I can't help but wonder, what on earth? I was just fine a few months ago. How could I decline this easily? I can't just forget about it, it's always there staring me in the face. I get out of breath just walking from one part of our house to another and our house is pretty small. So now I wait. I am waiting on the Lord, and waiting on the doctor. I force feeding myself small amounts of approved things, but today for the first time, I have no appetite. I need a miracle! I need peace. I need help. Oh Lord have mercy on me and my family, you are a G-d of miracles and I need one desperately. So I will pray, while I wait.

The Little Things

It's odd, when you are going through something, how much more aware of the little things that you become. I remember being pregnant with Aurora and Elijah, how I savored each movement and each moment that I had with them. I never knew if it would be our last, so I just became so in tune with them. I'm glad, those are memories forever etched in my mind and they are priceless. After each of their deaths I also became aware of how much we take things for granted. I quickly learned that possessions, money, status, didn't really matter. It was the time. Time is something you can't really buy. It is for the Lord to divvy it out and how we choose to use it, is up to us. I am guilty of squandering my time. You'd think after all that we have been through that I'd be the first to cherish each moment. As I got farther and farther from the loss of the kids, I became more wrapped up in the world. I have taken life for granted, a lesson I thought I'd never have to re-learn. I have found myself complaining and whining over the most dumb things like it was the end of the world. What did it gain me? Stress, bitterness, a broken stomach, and whole lotta wasted time. I soon forgot to thank the Lord for each day, and instead complained I had gained to much weight, or couldn't get out of the past with issues that had long been gone. I think our society has become so fast paced and so self centered that we don't even realize the lack of compassion. You'll here in place others talking about Joe so and so who has cancer, followed by, that's to bad. Then followed by, "Mmm that chicken looks wonderful, let's order that!" Really? I liken it to the news, where the broadcaster has just announced some horrible tragedy with almost a monotone voice then switches over to "in other news, the weather is going to be a sunny 80 degree day, right Bob?" Then they banter and go on. I realize due to the volume of tragedy we can't immerse ourselves in it, or else we'd all be depressed and crazy, but there is also something so humbling about taking the time to enter into someone else's pain. It makes you realize how fortunate you really are, even if you too are suffering. Me of all people should know better, and yet I too have done this. It almost becomes to much to handle the amount of tumult in this world. I have so many friends, each battling their own personal struggles. We need community to help hold us up in these days of trials or else it leaves someone lying in depression alone. I think back and wonder how often I could have done something nice for someone else in the time I took to complain that my life wasn't going the way I wanted. After Seth had gotten fixed, I was so angry that the choice to have kids was taken away, when I still wanted more. Never mind the fact that I have 2 beautiful healthy children, that in the eyes of science we should have never had. Never mind the fact that at least I was able to be pregnant 6 times, when some can't even be even once! Never mind that I complained about my healthy two, but still wanted more? What is that? Ungrateful. I don't feel condemned, I feel convicted. I am seeing things through glasses I have looked through before, but chose not to remember. I would complain to Seth that I was tired of spending $ on acid reflux medication and my old clunky hearing aids. Now we are facing hundreds of dollars for medications/medical bills every month, just to keep me alive. To help my body do the simple things that I took for granted every single day, I now need medicine or else I am in big trouble. I never thought this could happen to me. So often you see people on TV say the same thing as I'd casually flip by the channel when I got bored of listening to another person weep in their demise. Depressing! Did I really become that desensitized? The worst is when someone would call begging for prayers, in which I'd do for a little bit, but then forget because I had other pressing issues like my house isn't as big as my friends. Oh to slap my foolish face!! If I could even go back 4 months from now and shake myself and shout "wake up!!! You are so blessed! Stop being so stuck on yourself and be grateful for what you have! You see that food that you are complaining makes you fat? You aren't going to be able to eat it anymore in a few months! Wake up!" I was moving my fingers around last night and thinking, so many people in the world can't even do this, how blessed am I. I don't know what the future holds for me, with or without a diagnosis, we don't know how much time we have left. Each moment is a blessing. Even when I am bedridden and can't get going, I can still choose to be grateful to be alive, to be loved by so many, to be thankful to G-d for every single moment that goes by. It doesn't mean that I won't still have pain, or be scared, or even have moments of anger. I can follow up all my prayers, requests, plea's, with a "but thank you for....." None of us are promised tomorrow, but it's what we do with each moment that matters. Don't be like me, who it takes major life changes to make me realize these things. How blessed we are to do the simple things in life that we never even think twice about. Aria about does flips if you get her a cup of water! Have you ever notice kids just appreciate things so much more? You can give them a box or a pad of paper and it's like they won the lottery! Faith like a child and appreciation like a child. Seth has to run to the store more often, we have found that some foods work and some don't so we are buying things in smaller quantities till we find what works. So he ran out last night and I went to microwave myself a cup of tea. When we thought I had gastritis I wasn't able to drink tea, but now I can!! So as I am waiting for my cup to boil the microwave dies. Yep, right in the middle. Normally, I would have gotten on the phone and whined and oh no! What are we going to do!? Instead, I picked up the phone and called Seth and had ourselves a good laugh. So what, the microwave broke, there are worse things. Seth is actually trying to fix it, which he loves to do, so if anything it gives him a project. Will it be fixed? These are things I'd obsess about, but now it's more of an after thought. That my dear is G-d working on my heart and mind, shaping me to react to what is really important. We have bigger fish to fry. We have gotten access to the non FDA approved meds and now we are praying if I should take it, so I'd appreciate the prayers for magnified guidance. I am still struggling with eating. Last night it just sat there for hours, it almost felt a bit like I was suffocating on it. Still, G-d was good and had me not panic. I am trying to focus on the good things and not let those thoughts of the "what if's" overtake me. I try and list all the good things I am thankful for and really see the good in all that G-d has blessed me with. I am trying to be conscious of the thoughts going into my head and what comes out of my mouth. My self restraint is definitely not where I'd like it to be, but G-d is changing me and I am learning the two things I have always struggled with are up to bat, Trust and Patience. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, for miracles to descend upon our household. May we all become aware of those in need and be grateful all that we have, because you just never know how much you might change someones life in an action that you do or words that you may say. I love watching the The Little House on the Prairie. In one hour their problems are all solved and goodness always overtakes the bad. Yes, G-d's goodness is ever present, let's use it and snuff out the enemy. I have to go now, Aria wants to do my hair. I wonder what do I'll get today?!

Joy!

Since I am being fully honest and putting myself out there, my Mother in Law reminded me that I need share the good with the bad. I totally agree with her (and love her to bits and pieces) so here it is. I slept last night!! I feel like a million bucks! For the first time in I don't know how long I actually got to go to bed with Seth! Lately, I have been putting him to bed and checking on the kids and then go downstairs till I can fall asleep. This time, I went out fairly quickly and better yet, soundly!! I didn't wake up once until Seth's alarm clock went off! I can't remember the last time this happened. I woke up with really bad nausea, but knew to take a zofran and fell right back asleep. I woke up feeling fully rested and not sick!! Praise the Lord and thank you to anyone who prayed, because I am having a really good day:) I didn't snap at the kids, I was able to get Isaiah on the bus (without sending him with is patch on) and off to school. I even had enough energy to stop and visit Seth at work with Aria to celebrate his birthday. I decided to let the insurance struggle go and just not think about it, so I was able to relax and enjoy the beautiful day. We picked up McDonald's for Seth and Aria and I didn't feel like flinging the food out the window (this is an improvement) or crying. I felt, happy and hopeful! Did I mention, Praise the Lord! No nausea, no pain, and even a bit of energy. I felt, normal:D Can you feel my joy? It's days like these that make me want to run up and down the street and dance while telling everyone how G-d is so great and not to take one moment for granted. I feel hopeful. My doctor passed on the domperidone for now, but I have other things in the works. Even so, I just feel good. I have read other gastroparesis blogs and this seems to be the norm. good days and bad days. You just never know what you are going to get, almost a little bipolar. All I can say is if my bad days are going to be as hard as they have been, then I am going to make a conscious effort to really celebrate and rejoice on the good ones. My Mother In Law, Sally, I'll just say, so that you know who I am talking about (I normally call her Mom) had me over today to help me plan out meals and to really go over what I can and can't eat. You have no idea how much I love this woman. I laugh to think that a few years ago, we'd never imagine we'd be this close. She has really helped me out in support in ways I had never even dreamed of. Amidst all this suffering, she and so many others have given me so much hope. Really, the calls, messages, visits, and yes, prayers are priceless to me and look, they are working! I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know I will enjoy today. A good day is better than any craving of food that I have had. The air smells sweeter, the colors brighter, everything feels amazing and NORMAL! It may take a while, but I am going to get better and stronger. Our Lord is refining me, and as much as it hurts, in the end, may He be glorified. My hope and refuge is truly in Him, without His promises, I don't know where I would be. Today is Seth's birthday and I am so pleased that I'll be able to rejoice with him. Each day is a treasure, and today I am filled with Joy! Watch, pray, BELIEVE, and be amazed. Keep those prayers coming, they won't go to waste;)

Reasons

I have been trying hard to be optimistic while being real, but for today I will document my feelings whole heartedly. Each day I wake up praying to G-d. Lately I feel my thoughts and coordination slipping away from me, without much that I can really do. The last few days I have been so hungry and have actually had to restrain myself from eating to much, because my my eyes are bigger than my stomach. I have been lucky to break 800 calories in a day. I need at least 1500 to maintain my weight. I am beyond frustrated and I am trying hard to not ask G-d "why?" "Why do I always have something to deal with, why these things that there isn't much in the way of helping?" I had a friend email me that her Mom is on a non FDA approved drug that works really well. It's called Domperidone. I don't remember why our doc didn't approve this or if it was my reaction. When Seth looked it up, it was not approved by the FDA due to cardiac arrest issues regarding the IV form. Some have said it "put the fear" in them, which I think meant it gave them panic attacks. But my friend's Mom swears by it. It's expensive and insurance doesn't cover it, and it's a gamble. I need prayers that the Lord would guide us what to do. I am still losing weight and trying hard to force feed myself. I have been even doing clinical strength Ensure, but it makes me really sick. I need to find the right foods that can go down, stay down, and and break down easily and I need them, now. Dr. F. gave me a weight that I am fast approaching that I know I'd have to hospitalized. The hard thing is, is it isn't as simple as a tube down my throat, it have to be surgically placed into my lower abdomen to by pass my stomach, and I am saying with tears, I don't want this to happen. I am praying this Domperidone would be an option and that it would have no negative side effects. I placed the call this morning and am waiting to hear back from him. He does procedures all day, so I have to wait. I am trying to have faith in G-d, to trust that he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, but I am human and I am worn out. I am trying hard to soak in my kids and will myself to fight harder. Being that this is such a unusual diagnosis it doesn't sound as scary as most. I asked the doctor if you can die from gastroparesis and he said no. Then I asked him, do you die from malnutrition because of it, and he said "yes." I don't think it widely common, due to heath care, but I don't want to get to that point either. People that haven't seen me are shocked at how I look. It's one thing to say you are losing weight, it's another to see it. I am waiting on the Lord, but I am even finding quiet time so difficult. My attention span in null and void right now, along with my memory. Dear friends, I to be plainly honest I am terrified. I know fear is a sin and I am begging G-d to shield me from it. I want to live. I want to live well. I am forcing myself to get out of the house at least once a day, even if it's just to pick Isaiah up from school. I have gone to mall for a short time and even made it to a meeting, but I was saddened today when I couldn't get up for the first day of my new bible study. I so badly want to do this one too. I love Beth Moore and her words and the way she makes the bible stories and G-d come alive are life giving. I see Aria and Isaiah running around, squealing for me to join in on their make believe scenerio's, only to say I can't. They almost don't ask me anymore. I can't go out, not like this. Seeing Isaiah's love of school, I want so much to see him grow into his own wonderful person. Whether he's a garbage man or a professor, I don't care, as long as he is happy and loves the Lord and his family. Same with Aria, my little girl that I have so begged to have. She is finally interested in girly things and loves this ballerina bear that we named "Bella." She carries her everywhere and I just want to be sure to guide her into being confident in herself so that she isn't afraid like I have been. Both of them are miracles from G-d. After losing Aurora and Eli, we wondered if we would even be able to have one child, just one! But we have two, a boy and a girl. They brighten my lives with each snuggle and kiss and stress me to no end with their kid antics, but I love them with my whole heart and would do anything for them. My husband, dear Seth. I couldn't have asked for a better man if I even tried. He's as handsome is as he is sweet. He cares for me with such unconditional love. He tells me I am beautiful even when I can barely stand and my face is all broke out with stinky medicine breath. He literally wipes my tears any time I cry and when I need something, I don't have to ask twice. He's given up getting together with his friends just to take care of me. He almost never complains and he does it with such a giving heart. I wish I was more like him. He is so full of G-d's fruit, you don't even understand. He is so full of love, compassion, joy, peace, self control, kindness, hope, and even peace. His trust level in G-d is amazing. I find myself in a constant battle of me acting in the flesh instead of the spirit. I am so reactive and yet I long to be more like Christ each day. Yet the harder I try, the worse I seem to do. I don't know what the answer is. I keep on hoping G-d will send and angel that will tap me on my shoulder and give me wise words of counsel that would never make me doubt or fear ever again. I find myself wondering, what have I done wrong? What haven't I learned? Why can't I just have a break? Or at least do it with grace and dignity. I have seen some of those who are so sick and even dying that do it with such grace and trust. I want that! I want to have unshakable faith that would make the devil tremble. I wonder if because I get scared or anxious so easily maybe my faith isn't strong enough. I want it to be. I believe, but why do I so easily waver? I want to be so full of peace that it would just flow out and around me. My middle name is Joy-Shalom. Joy and peace, oh if I had a steady firm grasp, nothing would move me. So I am praying and will continue to, since I know G-d will never leave me, nor forsake me. I am praying for trust, faith, peace, and wisdom, especially in deciding about this med. I need to eat, I want to live. I want to bring Glory to G-d's name in all that I do. He has seen me through so much and I know I will be better because of this, it's the unknowns that are so hard. I want to live, Lord, I want to live. Please hold me and my family in your prayers. I pray a great testimony of G-d's love and grace would come from this. One day many years from now, my soul mate Seth and I would be rocking on the porch with our white hair holding each others hands and talking about all of these obstacles and how G-d saw us through while I calmly gaze into his love filled eyes with joy and peace.

The Doctor's Visit

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Doctor's Visit

I have been praying so hard for so long, that G-d would show up for this appt. and He did. Dr. Ferrar had me be his last appt. to give me the time I needed and boy did we use it. I have been so upset with him for relaying my diagnosis with pamphlets and then went on vacation, so I didn't know how I was going to feel. He came into the room and and went over my report which deemed the gastroparesis level as moderate. My heart fell, I was praying for mild. He then went on to list all of the treatments and came to the conclusion I am not a candidate for any of them, I felt my eyes water. I finally just blurted out "then what's going to happen to me?!" Seth interrupted and explained that I was not a girl that asked for much, just a good meal. Dr. F's eyes got big as Seth went on to explain how much I enjoy a fine meal. He then said "I take it you loved watching the Food Network?" I said,"I still do, and I want to lick the TV!" I think that is where G-d had him put the pieces together how this has taken away my hobby, I guess you could say. From then on out he went into great detail with each of my 30 something questions, he seemed to laugh at all my quirky comments and even joined in. By the end of the meeting, all but one of his staff had left. He then even interjected realizing how mad I must have been at him for being on vacation. I told him, I wanted to hunt him down as I was that desperate. He apologized and said had he had no idea I was this distraught. By the end of the appt. I asked him if there was any hope. He went through my risk factors of how I obtained this, and I don't have any. I am not diabetic, I don't have an eating disorder, I don't take narcotics, and I didn't even have a virus in the house when I got sick. I had no risk factors, where did this come from? The cleanse? Where? Is this going to get worse and how do I stop it? All he could say is it could be a virus, maybe even the hope that it could reverse itself (LORD PLEASE!) but he has no answers. For some reason that statement, gave me hope. I believe I have been one to have all the weird stuff and this time I will be the one that will weirdly be healed. So, some people might have walked out of that appt. discouraged, but I feel hopeful. It turned out I had judged Dr. Ferrar to quickly and now I am so glad to say he is an excellent doctor. I would recommend him and tell you, he is really personable. I feel blessed. I am believing that G-d will repair this, whether it be tonight or in time. I am asking for prayers. He was surprised to see how much weight I had lost and how fast it came off. I need to gain HEALTHY weight. I have had so many people say "I feel so bad for you, what can I do?" It is so important that I eat at least 1,480 calories a day at this point, or else I will keep losing. That is just to maintain where I am at now. At this point I would settle to maintain where I am right now, but it's hard to eat. After a few bites I feel full and sometimes really sick, other times I am starving and then I'll eat only to find hours later I am pacing to rid myself of the pain. I need a miracle. We only live blocks from Isaiah's school and my dream was when we bought this place to be able to walk my kids to school. I would love for people to be able to call and ask us to come out and play and for me to be able to jump up and get to it! Life is so precious. Did you eat a good meal today? Don't think about those calories, just thank the Lord you got to eat a good meal. Did you enjoy the beautiful weather? Thank the Lord that you have the ability to go outside on your own. Enjoy your life, take notice at every little thing you so easily can do and Praise Him! Don't be foolish like me and see the grass that's greener on the other side, instead rejoice that you have dirt that you can grow your own green grass in! This has been a very tough week, but even in my depths G-d was with me. I had several of my friends find some clothing that they were no longer using for me and for Aria. It was an answer to prayers. He always seems to know where to have a well placed call take place with a friend who just listens. He always seems to send a friend over to come a chat just to brighten my day. He even seems to interject hope in a situation that looks hopeless. While not much changed in my appt. His peace comforted me. I am not out of the storm, in fact I am still in it. We have to be careful now to be able to get me to eat and keep it down. In this storm I see the rain and the lightening, I hear the thunder and my boat is rocking up and down, but I am trying hard to think about the beautiful rainbow that will follow this and calm seas that will lie ahead. I have a ways to go, but I am so blessed to have support, your words, prayers, presence mean the world to me. Especially to be dealing with something so odd makes me feel so outed. I told Seth, "If G-d chastens those He loves, He must really love me." I appreciate all of you, whether we are close or not. Your prayers are not falling on deaf ears and He does answer. Also if you could pray for my family. This is taking it's toll on my dear husband, kids, and our parents. They have been amazing support, but it's a lot to take.I am learning more each day how serious it is when I say I will pray for someone, it is not something I take lightly. From our lips to His ears, there is power in our words. So dear friends, let's pray for healing and wait on the Lord because I do believe He will answer. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

Posted by Kelly Nickerson at 6:21 PM

The Doctor's Visit

I have been praying so hard for so long, that G-d would show up for this appt. and He did. Dr. Ferrar had me be his last appt. to give me the time I needed and boy did we use it. I have been so upset with him for relaying my diagnosis with pamphlets and then went on vacation, so I didn't know how I was going to feel. He came into the room and and went over my report which deemed the gastroparesis level as moderate. My heart fell, I was praying for mild. He then went on to list all of the treatments and came to the conclusion I am not a candidate for any of them, I felt my eyes water. I finally just blurted out "then what's going to happen to me?!" Seth interrupted and explained that I was not a girl that asked for much, just a good meal. Dr. F's eyes got big as Seth went on to explain how much I enjoy a fine meal. He then said "I take it you loved watching the Food Network?" I said,"I still do, and I want to lick the TV!" I think that is where G-d had him put the pieces together how this has taken away my hobby, I guess you could say. From then on out he went into great detail with each of my 30 something questions, he seemed to laugh at all my quirky comments and even joined in. By the end of the meeting, all but one of his staff had left. He then even interjected realizing how mad I must have been at him for being on vacation. I told him, I wanted to hunt him down as I was that desperate. He apologized and said had he had no idea I was this distraught. By the end of the appt. I asked him if there was any hope. He went through my risk factors of how I obtained this, and I don't have any. I am not diabetic, I don't have an eating disorder, I don't take narcotics, and I didn't even have a virus in the house when I got sick. I had no risk factors, where did this come from? The cleanse? Where? Is this going to get worse and how do I stop it? All he could say is it could be a virus, maybe even the hope that it could reverse itself (LORD PLEASE!) but he has no answers. For some reason that statement, gave me hope. I believe I have been one to have all the weird stuff and this time I will be the one that will weirdly be healed. So, some people might have walked out of that appt. discouraged, but I feel hopeful. It turned out I had judged Dr. Ferrar to quickly and now I am so glad to say he is an excellent doctor. I would recommend him and tell you, he is really personable. I feel blessed. I am believing that G-d will repair this, whether it be tonight or in time. I am asking for prayers. He was surprised to see how much weight I had lost and how fast it came off. I need to gain HEALTHY weight. I have had so many people say "I feel so bad for you, what can I do?" It is so important that I eat at least 1,480 calories a day at this point, or else I will keep losing. That is just to maintain where I am at now. At this point I would settle to maintain where I am right now, but it's hard to eat. After a few bites I feel full and sometimes really sick, other times I am starving and then I'll eat only to find hours later I am pacing to rid myself of the pain. I need a miracle. We only live blocks from Isaiah's school and my dream was when we bought this place to be able to walk my kids to school. I would love for people to be able to call and ask us to come out and play and for me to be able to jump up and get to it! Life is so precious. Did you eat a good meal today? Don't think about those calories, just thank the Lord you got to eat a good meal. Did you enjoy the beautiful weather? Thank the Lord that you have the ability to go outside on your own. Enjoy your life, take notice at every little thing you so easily can do and Praise Him! Don't be foolish like me and see the grass that's greener on the other side, instead rejoice that you have dirt that you can grow your own green grass in! This has been a very tough week, but even in my depths G-d was with me. I had several of my friends find some clothing that they were no longer using for me and for Aria. It was an answer to prayers. He always seems to know where to have a well placed call take place with a friend who just listens. He always seems to send a friend over to come a chat just to brighten my day. He even seems to interject hope in a situation that looks hopeless. While not much changed in my appt. His peace comforted me. I am not out of the storm, in fact I am still in it. We have to be careful now to be able to get me to eat and keep it down. In this storm I see the rain and the lightening, I hear the thunder and my boat is rocking up and down, but I am trying hard to think about the beautiful rainbow that will follow this and calm seas that will lie ahead. I have a ways to go, but I am so blessed to have support, your words, prayers, presence mean the world to me. Especially to be dealing with something so odd makes me feel so outed. I told Seth, "If G-d chastens those He loves, He must really love me." I appreciate all of you, whether we are close or not. Your prayers are not falling on deaf ears and He does answer. Also if you could pray for my family. This is taking it's toll on my dear husband, kids, and our parents. They have been amazing support, but it's a lot to take.I am learning more each day how serious it is when I say I will pray for someone, it is not something I take lightly. From our lips to His ears, there is power in our words. So dear friends, let's pray for healing and wait on the Lord because I do believe He will answer. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

Asking

It's so strange being an adult. I remember being a child and each day seemed like a week. You could barely hold out for dinner because you were "starving!" It seemed that you had to wait, for everything. I was quite bit smaller than most kids my age, and one of the most frustrating things for me was the sink. I hated having to ask for a drink of water any time I wanted one, but I was too short to reach it myself. I became part monkey and scaled my way up and down the drawers to reach the counter. I still remember the day I went to my Grandma's house and actually could reach! It was like the gates of Heaven had opened up and I could hear angels singing in my greatest achievement. Apparently I was a child that appreciated the simple things in life? Now I find myself continuously surprised that another day, month, season, and year have gone by. I also catch myself saying "Kids these days!" or "when I was kid I never would have gotten away with that," or "I had to wash my dishes by hand!" To see Isaiah off to school reminds me of my kindergarten days and I can't help but wonder how he sees things. He eagerly loves to go to school and seems to have transitioned quite nicely. Aria, on the other hand is devastated. She screamed and cried that she wants to go to school and frankly, I don't blame her. Not only is her constant companion no longer around, but now she has to sit at home, alone, with me. Poor kid. Before I had gotten sick, I was pretty excited to think of all the bonding we'd do alone, playing tea parties, going to the library, etc. I still am on a steady decline of losing weight. We are trying every drink, blender, thing possible to get me to eat more. Today, it seems my food is barely digesting at all, even in small blended liquid form. I have faith in G-d, in fact my faith has grown quite a bit. I find Him showing up in places unexpected to give me a boost. Unfortunately, we also have an adversary who has shown up. While looking up cures and things to help me, I am finding horror story after horror story about how serious this thing really can get, even death. I didn't know and I cried hard yesterday. There is no cure for this. Some people are slightly affected, while others are no longer. There is a wide variant and there is little help. I found myself crying for my kids, I love them so much and I want them to be able to know me, not remember me. I am nearing 100 pounds and I find myself constantly out of breath and barely able to do small things. Seth has even begun to teach Isaiah how to dial 911, just in case. This just seems so wrong. My mind is willing and wanting, while my body just can't keep up. I am praying. I don't want to die. I feel I have so much left to do. I know that I am saved by the blood of Jesus, but I want G-d to say "Well done good and faithful servant." At this point in my life, I don't feel I have done much to please Him. I have been selfish and really haven't done much to help others. I have been working on some questions and I came across a study bible question. It said "Are you trying to learn about G-d to just get something or escape Hell or do you really want to know Him?" The question gripped me. I'll be honest, for so many years I went to church and did things, just so I could say I did them and be saved from going to hell. Also to see my kids, to be protected and not have to go through anymore trials and tribulations. Then I began to see a pattern. I wanted to know G-d so he would stop punishing me or save me, not to know Him because I loved Him. I am finally getting a taste of Him and I want to know Him more so I can teach my kids and really live out how He wants us to live out life. I want to show love so others can feel loved, not just preach so I sound righteous. G-d is a G-d of love and I want to trust Him. Yet satan caught me in a snare. It's always easy to tell someone it's going to be okay when you haven't walked in their shoes. It's easy to tell them to stop being scared when you haven't felt their pain. I feel terrible not being able to get together with my friends and having to now cancel because of bad days that are more often than not. It scares me. I don't want to just disappear. My mind is still fully going, I just can't get my body up and going. Even just picking up Isaiah from school is so hard. I have never dared leave the house without my makeup, contacts, hair straightened,and ensemble fully put together. Lately, I just can't do it. I am fighting hard, but this thing is so darn unpredictable. Today I was so hungry, I took a few bites and it just sat there, for hours. My stomach growled and snarled but I guess the food couldn't go down. I don't get it, how did this happen? Why can't they make it better? I've read things about people going to doctor after doctor and having surgeries, meds, and still nothing. I am afraid to weigh myself, each day it seems the scale goes down and I can't do anything to make it stay or go back up. I feel weak and my memory and concentration are barely there. I want to go out, but what do I say, no one wants to hear someone complain and whine. I need a miracle, an all out miracle. I won't go on as I probably look pretty pathetic or whiney, but I will ask for prayers, real constant prayers that G-d would heal my stomach and digestive system, that he would UN paralyze it and that it would go back to normal. I am praying for energy and to gain HEALTHY weight (you can gain bad weight, but that is do to complications) I am desperate, I need a miracle. I want to be apart of my kids lives that I have so dearly prayed for, not just a bystander. I was reading in my bible study and I feel G-d pointed these verses out to me, Psalm 18: 3-6,16-19. I would normally write this out, but I am too exhausted. I believe that G-d is good, and He is worthy of our prayers whether life is what we want or don't want it to be. In the end, our lives are about Him, not us. It doesn't make me cry any less and I am not ashamed because He created me to be this way. So I am reaching my hands out to you and ask to help "hold me up" in prayers. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed. Lord you are worthy to be praised, even while I cry out, still I will praise you.

The Road

We are so blessed to have a 4 day weekend, and the Lord knew we needed it! Since June when all this started, the house has quickly fell into disarray. So often I have felt as a stay at home Mom, that I am not a productive member of society. The worst is when I go into the doctor and every single time I register, they ask me what my occupation is. I tell them a SAHM, to which they respond "oh, so you don't work." Uhhh, have you ever tried it? I work, I just don't get paid for it. My dear sweet husband has even admitted that he loves going to work, it's where he goes to take a break! LOL! On the positive side, I have now realized how important my role is to our family. Not just in cleaning, but in the way they eat. I had to explain that fruits and veggies have to be served in one way or another or else problems will arise. After having Aurora and Elijah we are super protective of kidneys. We try and make sure that the kids have the proper amount of fluids, not too much NSAIDS, all the stuff we learned with Eli. Now after having all this GI stuff going on, I have been opened to a whole 'nother world that I have taken for granted. I never realized how much I took my health for granted. Of course I have been over protective with the kids, but how often do we stop and thank G-d for the simple every day things that we consistently take for granted. How blessed I am to be able to get out of bed by myself, dress myself, walk, talk, see, speak, taste, smell, cook my own food, go where I want to go, make decisions for myself, etc. You know what I mean? Then you have a surgery or an illness that takes you down and then you realize how much one part of your body can affect everything. Being a foodie, I have always enjoyed the taste, smell, and sight of a good meal. But I never thought once to even thank G-d for being able to digest it, or even dare I embarrass myself and say it, go to the bathroom. With Eli and Aurora never being able to pee, we have learned of it's importance. When Isaiah was born, as they pulled him out he peed all over me. We rejoiced as it was the equivalent of liquid gold to us! Isaiah loves for me to tell him that story, he's such a boy. In all my diet restrictions, I am learning how cutting out certain foods actually affects your whole digestive system. Am I going there? You bet I am! I believe if I am having this issue, some one else is and I refuse to remain tight lipped about it. Those who have helped me the most are the ones who are the most open and honest. Embarrassing? You bet! But it's saved me so much anxiety to know that this does happen to other people. The hardest thing for me right now is they cut out my fiber. At most, I am allowed 17 grams of fiber in one day. I have to eat low fat foods, since fiber and fat slow down digestion. So here is the tricky part, getting fiber but not being allowed to eat fresh veggies, fruits, beans, seeds, nuts, whole grains, and no fiber supplements such as Benefiber, Metamucil, none of those things. Okay, so where do I get it from? I called the doctor's office to answer my question and they really didn't have an answer for me. It's been pretty frustrating as this completely throws your whole body out of whack. For now, I am living off of Cream of Wheat, some meats, protein shakes, cottage cheese, yogurt, and sometimes sandwiches (which is basically meat w/bread) and some other random items that escape my mind for now. I am trying supplements to make up for my lack of nutrition but am finding it really hard to digest. It's hard because if you make one wrong decision, I end up with severe pain and nausea and there really isn't a whole lot to fix it till it passes. You have to be aware of anything you try, since it can cause a bezoar. Which has been compared to a hair ball, another words, a blockage. I have a list of absolute no no's which the hardest to let go of are the berries, kiwi, and cabbage. The rest of that list, eh, I can do without. I am wondering if that's what happened June 23rd the night I had to go to the ER. I was living off of Kashi and blueberries almost every day for several months. The other thing that was taken off the list was alcohol. I really don't mind for the most part, but I really enjoy a lovely glass of wine. So long! Thankfully I don't miss it for the most part, since right now I seem to have an aversion to alcohol in general. Lately even the smell of mouthwash makes me gag, not sure why, but oh well. So I am still dropping weight. Now wait ladies before your roll your eyes and want to throw your shoes at me, it's dangerously low. It's one thing to lose weight due to self control (super kudos!) but it's another due to health issues. I have been warned I must stay on top of eating, or else some people end up having to have surgery to insert a feeding tube or pace maker for their stomach. I am praying hard not to go down that road, but as of this point I have lost about as much as my body can tolerate. While I might look a healthy weight at first glance, it's the way it came off and how fast it came off that is so dangerous. It's hard because when my stomach seizes up, it feels like someone is squeezing the top of it and it literally makes you want to walk around on your tip toes, the pain is so bad. When that happens I can drink 2 ounces of water and it will literally just sit there up to the back of my throat and not budge. So I am praying and believing for healing. I was in such a rut of feeling sorry for myself that I could barely function. So I did what I could and gave it to G-d. Each day I pray for the Lord to intervene and help me in every area of my life, especially to be more positive. He has shown me so much. Anytime I start to feel sorry for myself or get frustrated, I ask Him to show me things that are good and I praise Him for them. I have been finding I have so much more to grateful for than to be discouraged about. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days and moments, but now I feel that there is hope. He is with me. Whatever that looks like. Maybe He'll heal me tonight and I can go back to my spinach artichoke dip on sesame baguettes, maybe he'll heal me over time, maybe my healing will be acceptance that I am blessed to just be able to eat yogurt. Any way you dice it, He is there. In all my desperation and long nights (sometimes till 2 AM) of pacing due to waiting for my food to digest so I can rest, I talk to Him. I have found since surrendering control and truly leaving it to Him that He is opening doors, I couldn't. I never realized how negative my thinking really was till I stopped and assessed it. Phil. 4:8-9 has helped me give me a check list on if my thoughts are aligned with His. We live in a society where it's all about us. Us first, then help others, if and when you can after all, you'll feel better, it's still about us. What about Him? For years I have proclaimed I am Christian, but never really acted like one. The two first commandments are the most important, to Love the Lord your G-d with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul. Also, to love your neighbor as yourself. My first thoughts were never about G-d, mostly He fell to the bottom of the heap after I did whatever I wanted to do. Who is our neighbor? I don't think it's just our friends, but it's also our enemies, those that drive us nuts and have made us miserable. It's been hard for me to swallow, that rarely have I made an effort to do this consistently on a daily basis. I only seem to do this, when I am most down trodden and in the dumps. You'd think I'd learn by now. So as much as my flesh wants to cry and whine and throw myself on the floor and wallow in self pity, I can't. I might have moments, but I can't dwell there. Instead, I must rejoice even in my suffering. Romans 5:3-5 reminds me
but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

For the first time in a long time, I am finding comfort in the bible. I admit it is not my normal tendency. In fact, I find I have to make myself. I am not one of those who can sit hours in the Word, but I do small amounts and than try to really think about it. I feel slowly but surely, G-d is changing my heart. I have been wounded so much in my life, so that leaves my trust threshold very low. It's weird to think the one I trust the least, is He who I should trust the most. Thankfully the Lord knows me better than I know myself, so I give that to Him. I used to really only pray out of obligation and in the hope that He'd magically make everything better, or at least save me from the fiery furnace of Hell. When Eli was alive we had a deep relationship with Him, but even then, I admit, it was out of sheer desperation to keep Eli alive. I learned to love Him, but I think my trust was shaken in their deaths. As I think about our friend who has cancer, another friend whose child has Leukemia, a friend our ours who almost died from an infection, and the list goes on, I think of all I have to be grateful. Whatever happens in life, we can't avoid suffering, but we can choose to find the good in it, even while we cry out in pain, or we can let the devil win, and give up. I believe G-d will heal my stomach, but I also know that our lives will have more tribulations to come. It doesn't mean that it won't hurt any less, but I can look ahead with less worry as I learn more and more each day to let go, and let G-d. Suddenly all the cliche statements are making sense. I can live my life in bitterness and say "why me?" or I give it to Him as I bury my head at His feet and cry out to Him and praise Him for giving me another opportunity to praise Him because He will lift me out of theses ashes. After Elijah died, we were told to never have any more children. Now we are preparing Isaiah for his first day of kindergarten. I have a little girl that wants to be a princess when she grows up, G-d blessed us, and He blesses us each day in ways we don't even acknowledge. I still don't understand why our kids had to die, I don't know why I have all these GI issues, I don't know why we have to struggle, but I do know that I can thank Him for all the blessings of clean water, food in the fridge, hot showers, a flushing toilet, clothes (no matter how outdated!), our home, but even if all those things got taken away, what is it that matters? Our faith. Do we trust Him enough to let go? Even if we are scared? Even if the outcome isn't what we wanted? Do you trust Him? I'll admit, I've got a ways to go, but after all life is a journey. I may cry, I may flop on my face, but still I will seek Him because life without Him, isn't living. Today I write this post to remind myself, when I am in the muck, G-d is with me. Never will He leave me, Never will He forsake me. It's time to make the devil tremble.