The Holidays

I actually have been sitting on a post that took me over an hour to compose. I just didn't care for it, so I guess I am starting all over. I am looking at my writing as my art, I haven't ever really thought of it that way before, but G-d has been revealing things to me. We finally moved back home last week. I began to realize that the kids missed sleeping in their own beds and it was time for me to step out of my comfort zone. I love guarantees. I like things to have a perfect out come without risk. Um yeah, life is anything but that. I thought if I ate "safe foods," I'd never have a problem. The only thing I didn't take into consideration, really, I don't have any safe foods anymore. I don't know if my body likes them for a while and then one day decides, yeah, not doing that anymore! Throughout all of this, dairy has really helped me. As much as I didn't care for the GI specialist in the hospital, he was right, lactose and me, we must be frienemies. I seem to tolerate the low fat cheeses that is about it. All my shakes, the very shakes that have been my sole source of food, are dairy based. So this has really thrown a wrench into my already crazy situation. I have switched over to soy milk and occasionally have tried going back to the dairy only to find me feeling sick and miserable for hours. The soy milk is great, but not as many calories or vitamins. We haven't been able to locate a soy based nutritional supplemental drink just yet, but think there has to be one somewhere. I have also found that almost anything sweet is utterly repulsive. I don't know if my body just said, enough is enough, but mostly anything sweet has left my diet. This has left a void in food, but has made me feel much more better. I truly believe the botox is working and it has done much to alleviate pain and that full suffocating feeling. It will only work for a temp. amount of time and even then, they say after 1-2 rounds, it will no longer be effective. In the eyes of western medicine, except for a feeding tube or TPN, their isn't much they can do. This is not my first choice, but after being so sick in the hospital, I have decided I'd rather be alive with a tube and be with my family, then not at all. The only thing is, it is not my call. The doctors all are telling me I need one, but will not actually implement it. I am meeting with my GI tomorrow, and there we will be discussing our options. The thing is, now that I have met with our Naturapath, I believe there is hope that this all could be stemming from some deep rooted emotional issues. I have begun to be aware of how I react in tense situations. I breathe less and hold my stomach in. He felt that if I could get past these issues, my body could begin to self heal and due it's natural process again. Years ago, I would have rolled my eyes. Now, I realize, it just makes sense. Fear has really reared it's ugly head. I just want to play things safe and be normal, unfortunately, this can't happen in this situation. I have to step out and start retrying foods again and see what happens. By playing it safe, I ate less and less in the hopes of feeling better, when in actuality, it made me feel weak and worse. My blood pressure is in the 80/50 area and goes even lower when I sleep. Other than weight loss, they don't know why it has gotten so low. I have been trying to eat more sodium and cut more of the sugar out and eat some normal foods. I have found me sucking the salt off of baked cheetos and trying to find that balance in the right amount of fluids, making sure that I get up and move around and keep my body moving. Slowly, but surely, I have had some good days. Christmas was wonderful. I cried the morning I woke up. I couldn't believe that I was still alive and I was just thrilled. We were supposed to go and celebrate with the family but I quickly realized it would be too much. Normally, I would send them to go anyways so they could have fun. After sitting in the hospital I thought of all the times I should have done.... So I asked Seth to stay at home and just hang out. The kids were none the wiser, so they were just happy to have a PJ day and open presents that others had so thoughtfully gotten for them. It was the most amazing Christmas I have had since Elijah. We didn't do much, yet just being together was all I needed. I have still had some issues with food not moving, but my biggest obstacle is the fear. I am asking for prayers that G-d give me the courage to move past all of the what if's and just do it anyways. The fear has been paralyzing and has debilitated me to the point of being destructive. It's so easy to say, give it to G-d. Yet, when I have been put in the situation time after time, the decisions are overwhelming. I would have thought having all this time on my hands that I'd be immersing my self in the bible and praying for hours. Instead I find myself doing little breath prayers of "Abba help me get better." Right now my brain seems to not comprehend in-depth things, everything needs to be extremely simple. I felt really guilty at first and very unfaithful, but now I have just handed it over to Him that He knows how tired I am. I have had to rely so much on others to help me and that has been frustrating and humbling. I want to do everything myself, but for now, I just am not able to. I have been blessed with having a blog and facebook to be able to put myself out there. As hard as it is admitting to others my struggles, I have been shown so much love and support. I can't tell you all how pivotal all of your prayers and support meant to us. My Mom was saying how amazing my friends are, and all I could do was smile and nod with tears in my eyes. I cry a lot. This has been healing. I have been angry for so long and I am learning how important it is to let that anger go. Sadness is hard for me to deal with. You'd think with the kids passing away that I'd have this down pat, but I don't. Seth has commented how different I am, how much softer I have become. I have always been so small, so you have to act tough to ward off the bullies, except in my case. I became my own bully. I am not tough, I am weak. I am only strong through the hand of G-d. There are days I freak out and ask Him where He is and ask Him why. There are also days when all I can say is "thank you." Honestly when Eli was alive we had so much support and then he died and everyone just faded away. Or so I thought. I always felt it was Eli that drew everyone in. Yes, he was so amazing. It was G-d that drew everyone in, just like He is doing now. I haven't been able to go to church since July, I struggle with pain, doubt, and fear. Yet my G-d, the one true living G-d is still with me. He is my comforter in a way I haven't known. I so long for the day that I can come into His presence and say, Thank You for never leaving me or giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Yesterday was a really tough day, today was much better. I don't know what each day holds for itself. I am trying hard to just live in the present and not think about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough to worry about. I am asking for continued prayers. I believe the more specific, the better. I am asking for the ability overcome this fear and anxiety. Also for the ability to eat and gain healthy weight, and for peace and hope and sleep! In the last few months I have only slept through the night twice. Other than that, I wake up every 2 hours. I don't know if it is the low blood pressure and my body is trying to startle me or if it is the stress of everything. Bottom line, I needs my sleep! You dear friend on the other side of the computer, I am thankful for you. Thank you for cheering me on, for caring about me and my family. You too are going through things yourself, I am sure. I pray that you are able to reach your hand out to others, but especially to G-d. He sent His one and only son to die for us, and that means more than I can even fathom. I am trying to wrap my mind around His promises. I too struggle with my faith, yet I am clinging with all that I have to Him. I also want to thank those of you who helped us out to see Dale, we wouldn't have been able to go without your help. I really believe G-d is having us go to him for a reason. Thank you to those of you who helped us have a blessed Christmas. Words can't describe how grateful we really are. We are meeting with the GI tomorrow for a follow up on the botox. Please pray that G-d would show him something that we may be missing and that we'd come out of the appt. with hope. Every day is a gift. I still botch things up and get in a mood, but I am aware of how blessed each hour that we have with each other really means. I am praying this new year approaching would be full of healing, restoration, good health, good food, and time. Normal and boring sound like such a vacation. Isaiah and Aria have been entertaining me so much. Their vivacious personalities crack me up. As tough as this has been on them, I see that it has bonded them together. I make sure to tell them I love them more often and stop and watch them play. I like to imagine what they'll look like when they grow up and what they will do with their lives. Isaiah is really getting into math and wants to know all the numbers. He actually let me rock him when I got back from the hospital. He hasn't let me do that in years. He can be such a dictator and yet so sweet. Aria, one minute in princess shoes and another climbing and jumping off of things. She loves me to snuggle her, and at the same time, isn't afraid to speak her mind. I have no idea where she gets it from;) My Sethy, the love of my life, who works so hard in all that he does with kindness that is rare to see. I am so fortunate to have a husband that took his wedding vows so seriously. He has really loved me through sickness and in health. I just can't seem to get enough of them. I am tired, but still in this race. Thank you for your prayers and support, it feels so good to feel so loved. May G-d have mercy on our family, may the blood of Jesus heal me, and may we walk in peace and some day be able to help others.

In All Things

It's been a hectic week. As many of you already know, on Monday I had to be admitted to the hospital. We went to to our very anticipated Naturapath appt. I have been anticipating this and was so excited. We got there on time and happily waited to seen. Dale and Mary came out and I felt so relaxed to be there and finally here what their suggestions might be. We sat down to warm smiles and Dale began to speak when all of the sudden I felt a surge of heat come over me. It was so intense that I wanted to rip my shirt off and seriously almost went through with it. I saw everyone sitting around me and desperately wanted to tell them what was happening, but no words were able to come out. Dale and Mary saw me right away and probably figured out what was going on before I did. It seemed like forever, yet it was probably but a second. I started to feel the life force drain out of me, almost like gravity was pulling me down and my body went limp. Everyone jumped to their feet and immediately got me to the floor and put my legs up. I couldn't comprehend anything and on top of that I began to dry heave and shake violently. I looked everywhere to see if angels were coming to take me home. I am not even being dramatic, I really thought it was my time and didn't know what was happening. They gave me water and maple syrup, assuming it might be a low blood sugar, but it still did nothing. I actually ended up throwing up, which I haven't been able to do since June 23rd on the onset of the gastroparesis. They ended up calling 911 and I waited in their arms while everyone quietly whispered assuring words to calm me. Everyone was having a hard time even getting a pulse but I felt like my heart was going to explode. It was to say the least, terrifying. They ambulance finally got there, I haven't ridden in one since the day Elijah died. I just remember looking out the window and seeing Seth's face covered in fear as they closed the door. I ended up with a trainee who was trying to get my vein, which is hard for even a seasoned veteran to get. I just remember the EMT saying go ahead and pass out, it's a better place to be, and I shut my eyes. We finally got to the ER only to find, they had no record of me supposed to be coming in, so there wasn't a room. So out in hall they proceeded to check me out. I could go on and on about the details of everything, but it'd take a novel. They assumed because I have anxiety, it would be an anxiety attack. The nurse on duty was pretty rude and basically tried to shame me into wasting their time. I sat there in shock. I prayed for G-d to help us. They weren't addressing my chest pains, my head dizziness, nothing. Finally I just prayed for G-d to help me say the right thing when the doctor came in. Sure enough, what seemed like hours later, he walked in and I believe G-d gave me the words to say. I explained I am a germaphobe and the last place I'd ever want to be, is in a hospital. I have anxiety, but I know what the attacks feel like, plus I have medication that I have with me to combat that. I then went on to list my symptoms, the dizziness, memory fog, the loss of coordination in my whole body, excessive thirst, chest pain, head ache, a dry mouth, eyes, and even a feeling in my brain of feeling dried out. I am sure I am forgetting the other stuff, but I figured say my piece and at least I tried. I refused pain medication to prove I wasn't there for the drugs. He sat there and didn't seem to have a reaction and said he needed time to think. He then walked out and I had figured I had ordered hours of solitary confinement for annoying him. Thankfully we ended up with a different nurse who very understanding and really seemed to take me seriously. After a while later, the doctor came back in excited. He said he literally had goosebumps and said I should send him a Christmas card, that I probably had something called Diabetes Insepsis. He said it was rare, but that we could get me admitted and have testing done. I didn't know how to respond but agreed, maybe someone could get down to the bottom of this. Just when I thought we were done with all the drama, they informed me the hospital was full and that I'd need to be transferred to another hospital by ambulance. At this point, I figured, 2 ambulance rides in one day, why not? If it meant getting help, so be it. I had two very nice EMT riders who were calm, cool, and collected (so this ride was a bit more assuring) so I just layed back and prayed. I got admitted close to 11 or 12 at night, so the floor was quiet. I felt dazed and just did whatever they told me to. My body felt like someone had stepped on the gas but didn't release the parking brake. Seth had to go transfer the kids from his aunts house to his parents house, so he was gone quite a while. I felt like a little child sitting there with their eyes wide with fear and no way out. Thankfully the attending internalist came in and was saw how terrified I was, and was so light hearted. He made some jokes and seemed at ease and that put me at ease. He explained all the specialists they were going to call in and that I was going to have to sit tight. I was hoping the GI specialist would be beneficial, but of all the specialist that should have jumped to the plate to help, he was the least helpful. He barely came in for a few minutes and just blamed it on the botox and said I was lactose intolerant (which is what I live off of) and walked out. Seth and I stared at each other in disbelief. We then me with the nephrologist, endocrinologist, and internal medicine. Each of these specialist, I thought, did a exceptional job. They were polite, thorough, and really seemed to listen to everything that was going on. They took blood, blood, and more blood. The phlebotomists were all doing their darnest to get me on the first poke, but said that my veins were calcified, so it's was draining to say the least (no pun intended). At one point they drew my blood every half hour for and hour and a half. I seriously was perpexed how they were going to leave any left for me, when I am already anemic. They did so many tests that I don't even remember them all. The one that was the hardest for me to do was the MRI. I did refuse contrast, due to past experiences, but this one really freaked me out. I have been having head pain for years and have put this test off to being afraid of the test itself and the results. I finally agreed to do it, due to Seth's persistence of leaving no stone left unturned. Again, I had great staff to soothe me through the test itself (I am terribly claustrophobic) and it went off much easier than I had anticipated. The entire time I was in the machine, I prayed for our dear friends who are going through even more than us. In my mind I just cried out to G-d for mercy, nothing more, nothing less. Seth had to go home that night. The kids had come up to see me and it ended up scaring Aria more than helping. So Seth had gone home to give them some normalcy. I could barely sleep or think. I tried to sit back and relax, watch some TV, but I just couldn't. All I could think about was what I hadn't done with the kids. On Monday Aria fell asleep at Seth's Aunt's house before we left. I didn't want to wake her, so I never hugged her goodbye. All I could think about is not spending enough quality time with them. They always ask to play or go here or there, but especially with all this going on, I haven't been able to do much. They are 3 and 5. I don't remember much when I was those ages, how would Aria even remember me? They'd never know how much I wanted them. How their lives helped heal our broken hearts. I never realized how much I missed their constant chattering or them needing me, till I was all alone. I missed doing Aria's hair and Isaiah asking me what type of dinosaur I was going to be today, everything, I missed everything. Thankfully, I was blessed enough to have visitors at just the right time, to help me through. I thank G-d for those people, the Lord knew I needed them there. All the while, weirdly thankful, each specialist came in to say, that they couldn't find anything. With each elimination of diagnosis's we felt better, yet more perplexed. I felt very validated that they too, agreed that something is wrong. Except for the GI doc, I think all of them urged us to go to Mayo. The dietician even came in to try to assist me and was absolutely stumped at what to eat. Being at the hospital you'd think they'd have the right food available for me to eat. I had really one thing that I could eat, chicken noodle soup. She was so frustrated for me and really tried hard to pull a rabbit out of her hat, but nothing. To make things worse, the GI put a restriction on my lactose intake, so that narrowed everything down. I do have to say, out of all this mess, in my opinion, the botox is working. I am praying it will continue to work, since it is only a temporary thing. The food can still get stuck, but things move through easier. At the hospital, I barely cleared calories. They didn't seem concerned that I am still losing more weight. My arms and legs are almost always freezing, so I was under a pile of 10 blankets at a time. When I finally addressed it, they suggetion the feeding tube. My heart sank. Mayo finally called back and they told us there is nothing more they can do on the gastroparesis end. They didn't have the records from my hospital stay, so they weren't aware of all that was going on. We are in the process of getting that submitted, but it doesn't look promising. The best GI specialist in the US can't help me. We did ask about seeing a cardiologist, but they said we have to get referred out. The whole thing is puzzling and I have talked a lot to G-d about it. I don't understand why this is all happening or what I am supposed to do. How on earth did all of this happen so fast, with so little answers. So many questions and little answers. They finally discharged me. They knew I wasn't eating enough and felt I'd do better at home. So back to Seth's parents we go. I am not allowed to drive or be left alone anymore. The spells or whatever you call them come on without notice. Praise the Lord, I slept wonderfully last night and boy did I need it. I am now focusing on eating and spending time with the ones I love. I am still holding onto hope for a miracle, but I have done all I can do on my end, it's in G-d's hands. I am still asking for prayers, that I'd be healed. We need every bit of support we can get. I know that my family keeps on reassuring me that I am not a burden, but I know this is hard everyone and I feel so bad. It's hard to have to rely on everyone to do the simple things. I am trying hard to keep moving when I can and eat where I can, but the exhaustion is nothing that I can even explain. I don't know what is happening, but I am trying hard to stay in the moments and make the best memories that I can. I am probably forgetting so much, but all I can say is thank you for your prayers. I still believe that G-d could change all of this around and I am clinging to the hope that He will heal me and make each day easier and better. I keep on remembering that he is there even when I can't see. Please continue your prayers, watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

Proceeding

So, here's how things are going. The day that I posted about all the TPN questions and lab work, I seriously was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I don't think any of us expected this to happen at the rate things have been going. I try to stay off the internet about gastroparesis, since any time we root around for answers, it leaves me upset. I ended up driving myself in such a tizzy that I finally went to sleep and was wiped out, which was a good thing. I had tried watching TV, but found myself after a few seconds, finding it so pointless. We are still at my In laws house, which has been a really good thing. I think had I been alone in all of this, well let's just say the Lord put us at the right place at the right time. Seth got the kids up early and took them to my parents house. I was kissed and hugged them and tried to drink up each of their beautiful features and just pondered at their preciousness. As you know before each procedure, you are fluid and food restricted. I don't know if anyone else has this issue, but just knowing that you can't have something, makes you want it all the much more. So I am made sure to drink a lot before the allotted time. When I woke up, I just began to pray and peeked my eye open. You would have thought I was trying to wait for the boogey man, but for some reason I was causciously trying to proceed around and think before I thought. I know that sounds weird, but I have acutely become aware that I just let any old random thought in and it takes over, only to spiral out of control, kind of like the TPN. It wasn't just the TPN that sent me over the edge, it's all the maybe's that followed after. I felt pretty peaceful. I am telling you people, if you think prayer doesn't work, just come talk to me. I have found on the days I have huge amounts of prayer going out, whatever the out come, it just goes better. Finally it was time to go to the procedure. We woke up to snow freshly fallen on the ground and the sun was shining brightly. I felt the Lord blessed me with that, it calmed me. We got to the waiting room and a neighbor of ours came to sit with Seth. While he and Seth chatted back and forth I smelled it. McDonalds. Here are all these people NPO and one of the patients drivers was munching on food, loudly and freshly. The smell of french fries wafted through the room and I began to salvate. I haven't had fast food in a long time, and dare I say, I miss it. It took everything in me not to get up and grab the food and throw it on the floor and stomp on it. For crying out loud, not just me was hungry, but all the others were too. Thankfully I got called back a short while later. I felt so bad for the woman with him. I am so blessed to have a spouce that would never even dare to think of doing that. Basically we got in and sat for close to an hour. I had a really nice nurse. So far every medical person that knows what I have, tends to give out a saddened look of pity. This tends to amp up my anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate compassion, it's the, nothing more that we can do look. She was gentle with my veins. I have bruises from all the pokes and my arm looks like a child got a hold of it with some crazy markers. She got it on the first poke, which was a huge blessing. No dragging or repokes, so grateful. The time came for me to go back. I never realized how much I hate taking risks, but it was time to take a leap of faith. They started to sedate me and I noticed that I wasn't falling asleep. I kept on waiting to go out, but I watched them pull out tubing and was realizing I wasn't asleep. I don't know if I ever fell asleep or if I woke up in the middle of the procedure, but I woke up feeling the tubes going into my stomach moving in and out while I tried to throw up. I started to thrash around and they figured it out and helped me back to sleep. It seemed like forever, but I think it was only a short amount of time. I later woke up to hear the bell dinging with my blood pressure. It was in the low 70's and they were forcing me to sit up. Finally, it was over. I remember bits and pieces, but went home to sleep. I am still having intense feelings of losing energy in which I can think fine, but can't get my motor skills to cooperate. I woke up to this feeling. I am guessing it has to do with sugar/salt/protein levels, but still it's hard to pin point what it is. Seth juiced me some veges and I felt a lot better after that. I stuck to the liquids and just relaxed as much as possible. I did end up waking up in the middle of the night with that lack of coordination and had to wake Seth up to get me some juice and water. I finally attempted Seth's whipped quiche. I don't eat the pie crust, but he whips eggs so they aren't so hard to digest. It has been my first real food in a while. They took me off of the Erythromyacin, which helps pulsate my stomach, to see if the botox is working. I ate the quiche and it seemed to move, but I am still having nausea and some other issues. Seth reminded me I still probably have narcotics in my system and that slows everything down. So, a long story short, I don't know if it worked. I need so much prayer and ask that you not stop. We are meeting with the naturapath on Monday to hopefully address the situation at hand, and we are hopeful that he might help. I have just been asking for Jesus to hold my hand and help me through. This whole thing seems to have gotten so out of hand, yet I know that I am in G-d's hands. I will try and keep you updated. Please keep the prayers coming. In my situation no news, doesn't neccisaryly mean everything is fine. I believe G-d is hearing our cries and I ask that you continue on my behalf to pray for a miracle. Being that this is ideopathic gastroparesis, there is always hope it could turn around. There is always hope. Please pray I can eat and get my calories and grow stronger and stronger. I truly believe the only reason my labs were good, was G-d intervened. Honestly, my diet has been awful, and I believe he stepped in and made them better. He is a G-d of miracles and hope, I am praying by the New Year, this gastroparesis will be healed. Pray that for me. Everyone keeps on talking about Christmas and I keep on forgetting it's coming. The anxiety of all of this is affecting Isaiah. Please pray for our family as well, they have been wonderful, but it's been so hard on everyone. I'll keep you updated, hopefully to tell that the botox is working. Hanging on to hope.

Exhaustion

I am pooped, so I hope this makes sense. We have decided to proceed with the botox being injected into my pyloric sphincter (you can laugh, but it's the muscle below the stomach) to keep it open and let my food empty out. Satan and I had it out today. He gripped me with fear I haven't known in a long time. Seth informed me that I had to get lab work done. I just assumed it was being done for a pre procedure thingy. I learned, due to me hitting the weight that I am at, they are preparing me for TPN if needed. I am hoping I don't need this. It would help nutrition, but it is a huge source for infection in a central artery and I pray it not be G-d's will that this has to be done. The doctor checked, but the results are still not in. Dear friends, I ask you to lift me in prayer. I know you already are, but I believe that we are given each other to help when we are weak. I am weak and need help. We moved in with my in laws for now. By myself, I couldn't take care of the kids. It's been a good experience, and I wish I could tell you all about it, but again, I exhausted. I know that whatever G-d does, is good. But I also know that the bible says, that if we ask in His son's name and it is His will, He will give it to us. I am asking for a tall order (might as well go big) that this botox would work wonders, that it would be effective, last a long time, and have no adverse reactions. Dear friends, I am asking for prayers of peace that passes all understanding. I admit, I know G-d is good, but I have been so scared. I want to watch my children grow up and I want to grow old with my soul mate and best friend, Seth. I truly need not just a miracle, but many. I have tried to watch TV and just occupy myself, yet I can not get my mind off of G-d. In all of this suffering, I am seeing so many blessings that He has allowed for me. Though I am far from perfect, I have led a beautiful life. I have a stunning family, friends, and life. Though I feel I have so much more life to live, I have been allowed to have so much more than I ever realized. In all my grumbling and complaining of looking at lumps of coal in my hands, in reality, they were diamonds. Life has been made so complex in all expectations that this world has put on us, when in reality, I think G-d wants us to live simply. In simplifying we don't waste our time engaging in pointless stress. So often I have whined about not having enough, when now all I want, is what is right in front of me. I have promised Him over and over that I will proclaim His mighty works if He pulls me through this. Only now as scared as I am, I realize that no matter what, He is mighty. Whether the outcome is what I dreamed of or not, He is my G-d. I am so blessed to have His one and only son as my Savior. Facing such uncertainty and looking at my life, that it is not what I wish I would have done. I wish I would have been more loving, more joyful, more patient, more kind, less selfish, not complain so much (you get the picture) I am covered by the blood of Jesus. As we were speaking to this one man, he said "we always sing about how amazing grace is, yet I truly don't believe any of us can even begin to comprehend it. " He's right. I don't get it, but I am clinging to G-d's promise that it is true. I have a lot of life in me, so much I want to do and I just pray He allows me more time in healthy state. My procedure is probably going to be around noon on Friday. Please pray this works. I believe a lot of this is psychological and I pray that the Lord will restore me with good health. I want to dance with Seth at our kids weddings. To play with our grandchildren, to live. I am tired and weary, so I ask that you reach out in faith and believe. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

Urgent request

Hey all. I am going to try and make this quick. I am not doing well, at all. I have hardly eaten in the last month and the weight has dropped off even faster than I could have imagined. I ended up in the ER on Sunday, where they drew labs, gave me fluids, and reluctantly I accepted pain medication. Pain medication is two fold, it temporarily makes you feel better, but in the long run slows down digestion. They were alarmed at how low my weight was (I guess you just have to see it in person to get perspective) but my labs are okay. So they didn't admit me or run tests. Since then, I have gotten this feeling of tiny cuts all over my stomach along with a punch feeling. I am nauseated at any given moment. We have wanted to approach this from a natural point of view, but don't know if there is enough time. We have someone in mind who has offered help. The thing is, my Doc has Botox as the only other alternative to jejunal tube feedings. It is thought that paralyzing the sphincter muscle will allow the food to pass through. It works in only 43% of the small case studies and it lasts only for a temp. amount of time. I am reluctant with all reactions to the meds that I have had. What sent us to the ER on Sunday was a reaction to Bently which is known to be relatively safe and it had me shaking like I was naked outside in 40 below weather. Dear friends, I am asking that you pray that G-d would make it clear what we should do. I am concerned that putting a toxic material into and already damaged nerve may cause even more damage. I am asking that you pray that the Lord would intervene as I am terrified. I am realizing more and more that G-d will make a way and His way is perfect, but I know His ways are higher than ours. I am praying He will spare my life and that I can live normally again. Oh dear friends, please pray. In the ER all they kept on saying is there in nothing more they can do. They also explained why they aren't pushing for TPN or a J tube. I also am asking for G-d's peace and hand to stretch over me, my nerves are shot and the evil one is attacking. The good Lord will prevail, but I need support. Thank you

Briefly

I just wanted to briefly update to all you faithful friends. First, I must give Praise and thanks to our G-d up above, for giving me a fantastic holiday! He helped me through a booby trap of food and to truly recognize the holiday for what it was for, to be thankful. We got to catch up with family and spend time not thinking about doctors and such, it was like a mini vacation. I had 4 days, with little to no symptoms (still abiding by the diet though) and I actually got to feel normal! My poor GG was admitted to the hospital, when we noticed that her mouth was swelling like Seth's had a while before, when he had gotten an abscess. She is almost 95 years old and very delicate. I have never seen her cry in pain before, so it broke my heart. She is on IV antibiotics and presently they are waiting for her to possibly go into surgery at any time, to take care of things. My Dad just called me and said something that blew me away. As you know, she is blind. She doesn't remember that we had Aurora and Elijah so this made this all the more exciting. My Dad said she was praying allowed (she is a huge prayer warrior) when she said that she could see a little boy and a little girl, both with blond hair. My Dad said she just sat there smiling and saying over and over how beautiful and happy they were. I am speechless. I asked if she was sedated and he said, no. Praise the Lord, this is just amazing. I have to get going, but I wanted to ask for prayers for my GG and for me. I started having pain last night and I won't get into all the issues, but please pray for whole healing for me. I can't thank you all enough for your prayers and support. I really need them and I thank the Lord for each and every one of you. I will update soon. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

In G-d Alone

What comes to your mind when you think of the holidays? Family, parties, traveling, decorations???? For me it was the excitement of all the holiday food! Of course being thankful for all the delectable delicacies I would get to wrap my taste buds around. Maybe it's because I am hearing impaired that makes my sense of smell and taste that much more enhanced. I used to love going to the Yankee Candle store and smell each of the scents with my coupon in hand, eager to purchase the latest foodie scents of cookies, mint/vanilla, or a juicy fruit of some sort. I just bypass all the flowery scents and bring on the food! I always wondered why they haven't come up with a corned beef, taco, or sweet and sour chicken scent yet, but I guess they bypassed my suggestion;) I suppose I could have just gone into the kitchen and whipped up a batch of cookies, since most people that stopped by (never do the pop in, or else the candle won't be lit!) seem disappointed that it isn't the real deal and it's only a candle, but non the less, my sniffer appreciates each waft! After Elijah and Aurora passed, the holidays became a point of dread. While everyone was kicking up their heals with joy and merryment, I was longing to hold my children in my arms and was riddled with guilt to even crack a smile. Since having Isaiah and Aria, slowly the excitement of the holidays has returned. With each holiday I'd get so excited to have a reason to pull out, here it is people, my Kenny and Dolly Christmas CD! It is the only time I listen to them and I don't know why, but I love it! I'd make my big batches of stuffed peppers or beef, barley, mushroom, onion, and tofu soup (trust me, it tastes better than it sounds) while Kenny, Dolly, and I, sing our hearts out. Of course there is the extra batches of green bean casserole made with cream, not milk. The egg nog. The puff pastries full of goat cheese, sun dried tomatoes, and more, oh my!!!! I would pull out my fat pants and sweaters and chalk it up to help keeping me extra warm through out the winter. I even told Seth before all this had happened, how excited I was for the holiday this year. The kids are old enough to understand what it's all about and actually engage in activities of the past. Then this all happened. I didn't even realize it was time to pull out the Christmas tree and I realized the holidays were finally here, and I can't do what I have always done. To you optimists out there, I understand that I am truly blessed. The thing is, can you imagine what it is like to do this if it were you. I am not saying going on a diet, because let's face it, most of us popped the stuff in out mouth and say we'll begin our diet tomorrow. In my case, I know if I put that food in my mouth, or if I stress out about this or that, not only will I physcially pay for it, but so will the rest of the family. I thought about skipping the holidays all together. I really did. But quickly came to the conclusion, I had begged for these children and I can't not let them have fun just because I am not feeling like it. So I knew that Seth and the kids would go, but figure it is best if I stay at home. I'd rather not bring anyone down. Besides, I kind of feel like a freak show with all my food being chopped up and it really does look nasty. As I am talking to my Mother in Law, she says to me, "Well you can have soul food?!" I blanked out and thought for a moment, is she nuts? I can't eat deep fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, collard greens? She then says "Soul food is being with those you love, it doesn't have to be about the food, besides people need to see you. They need to see how you live." It took me a while to mull this over, since the bulbs in my head seem take a while to light up. When finally her words hit home. She's right. What am I going to do, sit at home at every holiday until I get better? I'm living like the dead. Some days I have already buried myself, this has got to stop. Sure there will be days that will be awful, but on the days that are good, I need to live them up! Okay ya'll, I know I probably have come to this conclusion many a time, or maybe you just want to shake me like a can of pennies, but seriously, I never knew how quickly the wool gets pulled over my eyes. So this year it isn't going to be about the food. I am still trying to figure out how to block out the mmmmmmmmm'sss or the munch munches, but I'll get there. I know it may seem easy in your mind, but for me, this is a huge thing. On the 23rd, it marks 5 months since all of this began. There are many people in this world who are going through much worse, but it doesn't make my pain any less. To make things more interesting, between the kids getting sick, which is very hard physically for me to keep up with, everything in the house is breaking. My hearing aids, our washing machine, my glasses, which to Seth's credit he fixed 2 times. The first time he finagled them together, while the second literally broke apart while I was watching my bible study lesson and preparing to go to another one. Seth says so nonchalantly, "the devil must not want you to go." He ended up super gluing them back together and then wrapped them with black electrical tape. Seriously, I laughed so hard that I thought I might pee on the couch (I did not, thank you very much) at the ridiculousness of it all. As I got ready to go with my glue/taped glasses Seth informs me the cat peed on his shoes (to Bangle's credit, it hasn't happened since our "drive" to the humane society) and then Seth cleaned them up and ran them through the drier where the bottoms literally fell of (this happened after I came back from my study) and we just laughed. Normally I would have blew up and made a big deal, but when so many things are going on, all I can think of is my life would either make a great movie or a sit com. Between running the kids back and forth to doctors office, as well as myself and blah, blah, blah. It all became one big blah. I lost it at my study and the women were very encouraging. I try so hard to control my emotions when I see people, I don't want to be Kelly downer, but I guess we can only take so much. In all of this I fell behind on my other study. The one about David with Beth Moore. I haven't been able to get to my morning bible study, since my mornings are pretty rough. Again my Mother in Law (I don't know what I'd do with out her) encouraged me to get the on line videos to stay current. I figured as long as I did the work book, it would be just as good, but I promised her I'd do it, so I did. The funny thing was it took days to get the studies. Lifeways system went down and our order never went through and then when it did, the computer sent it to here and all I can say is, if you don't believe in dark forces battling for your soul, I'd have to to strongly disagree. Each time I try to focus on G-d, some obstacle comes my way to the point of my glasses literally breaking during my study. You see I listen with my eyes. I have hearing aids, but I read lips mostly. This video already wasn't captioned, which made it hard to hear, since Beth has a thick gorgeous Texas accent. So when my glasses broke, I really couldn't hear her and I had to shut it off. Okay, back to my story. Beth was talking about Psalm 62. We used to recite part of this to Elijah when he was alive. On this day that I began to watch this study my emotions were all over the place. I cried out to G-d and asked Him why these really huge things keep on happening to us. What did I do that was so bad and what haven't I learned? So when I heard this familiar verse, I felt as though His spirit said, "stop and listen." She went on to talk about David and how he wrote the psalms with all of his emotions, that he didn't censor himself to G-d. Also in his lamenting, he never forgot to continually cry out to G-d and most of all, praise and trust Him. Other than having a crazy King chasing after me, I kind of relate to David in the way that he expressed himself, minus the killing of people. Still he shared his whole heart with G-d and was faced with trial after trial with huge monumental consequences. Now, I am not David, but in his struggles G-d appeared to be molding David into the great king that he probably wouldn't have been. Not only without G-d by his side, but also that he had learned lessons that only he understood. The biggest thing that Beth was saying over and over that I felt G-d was shaking my mind to grasp is "In G-d alone!" I always seem to look for answers from people instead of looking fully to Him. People are not G-d, so no matter how wonderful they are, eventually they will do something to disappoint you. Especially those that you have higher expectations of. I have hit rock and a hard place with this gastroparesis. Even the nurse has said, there isn't much else we can do. I ask people of great faith many questions only to get the same answer that G-d Himself has been trying to tell me, Trust. Oh how hard that is for me, yet as I am being beginning to explore this, I know there will be great freedom when I enter into trusting Him. Rest. I have been fighting for so long. I forget the verse somewhere in the New Testament, but basically they speak of punching at the air. I feel I have been fighting so long that I can't stop swinging and it's only brought on that much more exhaustion and frustration. I believe a good swing is needed when you know what you are swinging at, but lately, I can't see my hand in front of me. I don't know what the future holds for me, only He knows what is going to happen. I could be healed tonight, or I could go to my grave sooner than I had ever imagined. I won't lie to you, I get scared. I want the future and it's hard to surrender that as I am having to bend my knee and TRUST that G-d has His perfect plan for me and it may not be what I wanted. I grieve for that control, yet I pray He will grace me with great faith and trust in Him, that I may bring glory to Him in every step I take, regardless of how painful it is. Beth spoke that we have battles that G-d alone wants only us to fight. I can still ask for prayers, encouragement, and support, but it is only me, that can fight this particular battle with Him, alone. So I have to put on my armor of faith and prepare myself for yet another fight for my life. I feel I am at the front of the line, my enemy is across for me, thirsting for me to deny my G-d and to give my soul to him. Every time I post, I come across a huge opposition and I have come to realize it has hindered me from posting more often. This takes a lot out of me, but I now realize, this is my gift. And I need to bring glory to G-d with my gift. I don't just sit down and post, these thing weigh on my mind and it takes a great deal of time. This one I have been writing for 3 days. Each day, I have had something come up, today it was a sudden onset of pain and nausea. While the evil one can create much damage, he is not equal to G-d. Not even close. So now after 32 years of hoping that others will rescue me, I am fully aware that while I need the community and support, is only G-d alone, that can rescue me. Greater is He who is in me, that he who is in the world. This is easy for me to remember when it's all sunshine and rainbows, but in the cloak of darkness is where the truth is being attempted to be snuffed out. Regardless of what others believe, I am learning I need to be more confident with who I am. Seth knows the true me and he says he is always surprised to see me in action in certain situations he knows that I would never let fly. While it is good to have restraint, it's also good to have confidence and boldness with respect. Before Eli and Aurora, I was overly confident and actually felt prideful in my aggressive nature. It is one thing to be confident and another to be aggressive. After the kids died, my confidence shattered. The only place I felt safe was in my writing. So often our parents would ask why I didn't communicate in person what I wrote for hundreds of others to see. I just couldn't. I didn't know how how. I need to learn to have confidence in who G-d made me to be, in G-d alone. Right now as I write this, the computer is trying to reject saving this post which tells me all the more, it needs to be posted.

Psalm 62

New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 62 For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
² Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

³ How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
⁴ Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.^[b]

⁵ Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
⁶ Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God^[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
⁸ Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

⁹ Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie.
If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion
or put vain hope in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

¹¹ One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
¹² and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
and, “You reward everyone
according to what they have done.”

So in this dear friends I ask for your prayers. I ask that you would pray for peace to fall upon me and our household and that the Lord would make Himself clearly known to me. Pray for us, since we know the enemy is always out like a prowling lion, waiting to steal, kill, and destroy. Also for hope, hope and a miracle. I thank you dear friend for walking beside me. While some may scratch their heads and wonder what kind of kool aid I might be drinking, I encourage you to believe. I don't know what kind of hardships you are going through, maybe you or your loved one is battling an illness, maybe you are all alone, maybe you are going through a divorce, or maybe you are just searching to be found. All I can say dear friend is, In G-d alone, I place my trust. Glory to G-d. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

A Walk

As always, it's been crazy over here. We are trying to adapt to our "new normal." It's been beyond challenging. I haven't met my calories since 2 Tuesday's ago, which means more weight loss. I found the more anxious I get, the more damage I do, so I am really trying to find a source of stress relief. When I was pregnant with Elijah, a friend of ours taught me how to crochet. I attempted to make Eli a blanket, but instead it became his cape. I don't remember how any longer, but I am trying to come up with something to distract my wandering thoughts. Since being on the antibiotic, I can hardly leave the house. It's to unpredictable. I am trying hard to balance it out, since it does seem to help with moving my food out of my stomach. The tradeoff isn't pretty, but it's keeping me alive. I went on line to quick look up some natural remedies to aid in digestion. We have found that ginger root in the garlic press helps a little and adds some pizzaz to my hot water. In looking for some recipe and therapy ideas I came across the most discouraging info. Basically in an article they were expressing how gastroparesis patients are falling between the cracks and are being left behind. I guess they aren't doing many studies and are not even bothering looking for a cure. This alarmed me. In this day and age, you assume that there is always someone working on each crazy diagnosis and attempting to find relief for them. One guy wrote that even if you find the right med. that this is a progressive condition and that essentially your body will adapt to it and it will no longer be effective. I sat in the house all day yesterday, and lamented. I just assumed that this is as far as it will top out and that once I figure out my concoction, I'll stabilize. The depression hit me like a sledge hammer. Lately, I have been in so much pain that I haven't even had time to "go there" but I did, and it was ugly. I let G-d have it. I squawked, cried, reasoned, begged, and even expressed my anger and feelings of abandonment. Isaiah came home with a high fever from school, which now every time anyone gets sick, it becomes a huge threat to set me back even further. He loves school and gets so much out of it, I can't pull him. But how do you take care of a sick family when your gas tank is well below E? I would like to try complimentary therapies (acupuncture, holistic remedies) but everything is so expensive. To add the icing on the ever building cake, I stepped on my glasses and my hearing fell apart within 2 seconds of each other. I quit. Life keeps on happening whether you have a chronic condition or not. As I stepped into my XLarge girls pants and realized these too are getting to big, I lost it. I guess there is a Stephen King novel called Thinner or something like that. I have never read it, but a couple of people made references to it. I never thought being skinny could come at such a cost. Now that I have probably depressed the hoo ha out of you and please don't send me emails that you can't read my posts because of how depressing they are, I do have some good things to say. First is, I have been able to walk around the house and even got to vacuum! I was so excited! When you sit around a lot, you notice every little detail of your life especially house work. The house work was usually my job, so it's really fallen behind. After having a horrible bout on Tuesday night, that rendered me out of commission on Wednesday. But by Friday I had a tid bit of energy. I am learning on these days to really rejoice, to force myself to do small things that make me feel like I am accomplishing something. On this day, I grabbed the vacuum. With each dust bunny that got sucked up, I felt excitement pour through my body. I have been trying to do my hair on days I feel better, to give me an extra shot of confidence. I can't wait for the day when I can put some makeup on! I have been trying hard to read a story to the kids when I feel up to it and do up Aria's hair, beautician style. When you are suffering it's hard to see the good things, even when they are right in front of you. So instead of beating myself up for not handling things with the grace that I feel I should have, I am having to accept, I am going to have bad days and good days. Yesterday I was so excited to try a new food. I got my med ready and Seth and I tried to plan out our plan of action. So we pulled out some salmon and pureed it (if you think it sounds disgusting, your right) but at least I'd get to try something new! So I attempt to sit at the table and we begin to eat. Right away the kids started to complain about the food. We had cous cous and pureed sweet potatoes along side of it. So they are yelling and crying when I pop a bite in Aria's mouth and she says "hmmm, that's good!" Success! Two birds with one stone! Or so we thought. We have been trying hard to expose the kids to all sorts of food, to teach them to be grateful for what we have. So it's Isaiah's turn. We all stare at him to see what he is going to do. Right away he whimpers and moans. Finally Seth pops a bite in. It barely hits his mouth and he proceeds to throw up all over the table, at precisely the same time Aria accidentally smashes her glass cup all over the floor. Both kids are sobbing and my food looks just like what Isaiah threw up. My appetite was gone. One of the important things that this one woman has found with gastroparesis is that you need to control your stress level, especially when you are eating. We are instructed to eat small meals slowly and a calm environment. Yeah, not going to happen when you have 2 small children. Seth looks at me and suggests I might need to start eating in our bedroom, Oy. The other thing that is suggested is gentle exercise, such as walking, yoga, and I forget the other stuff. So today I picked up my non energetic bag of bones and walked around the block. As gloomy as it is outside, the temperature was lovely and it felt freeing to be outside. Other than appointments, I can't remember the last time I went outside. My stomach has stopped right now, so I wanted to see if it would help things move. I'll find out tonight if that part of it was successful, but it really calmed down, even with the kids in tow. Every day I am becoming more and more aware that short of a G-d given miracle (which I still believe could happen and pray for!) that this is the way it is for now. Instead of wishing it away, I am going to have to learn to cope with this hour by hour struggle. I am trying hard to look outside of myself and be interested in what is going on around me. It's more of a challenge than I thought. I love talking with people and hearing all that is going on with their life, but being so isolated, makes that less able to happen. Especially since my attention span has shortened quite a bit. I am praying for hope. Hope is something I desperately need. Without it, it makes everything so hard. As frustrated as I am with G-d about all of this and as un christian as it may seem, I have questioned Him. I still can't shake the fact that I still believe. The other day I was in so much pain and I kept on trying to envision Him standing by me and holding my hand, it got me through. It didn't hurt any less, but helped. I don't know why all of this is happening. All of this has made me acutely aware that there are some out there who are suffering ever greater than I can imagine and I long to comfort them. Before all of this I was so worried about my house not being big enough, I was too heavy, or I wish I had that wardrobe, or it's not fair that I don't have that. Now it all seems so silly. It's so easy for me to get caught up with the worldly things that I am constantly reminded, really don't matter. G-d gives us all a short time on this earth and I wonder how on earth I can make a difference before my time comes up. While money would be great to have and could really solve a lot of problems right now, how is my character? How is my soul? Am I really living the way I am supposed to? Obviously I haven't been or else I wouldn't have stressed my body out to the point of breaking it. Stress, what a waste. So I have been hitting some low notes lately and that's just going to happen, G-d understands. I always wondered why people with chronic conditions get so depressed, I get it now. The biggest thing I am learning is not to judge others. In so many situations I have assumed I'd handle it so differently, until I was faced with it myself. I am down, but not out. I am really having to face my worst enemy, fear, death, and pain. In this, I am clinging to the belief that G-d is at my side, even though right now, I can't see. So I am asking for those prayers to keep on coming, for G-d to not only heal me, but to show Himself to me and my family. Even though honestly sometimes I feel cursed, I know that I am blessed to have the love of G-d and those around me. I am praying this week I can eat and then some and that I can find a good stress reliever. I have so much to live for, my life has just begun and I am believing that my miracle will eventually come. Thank you for your prayers, your encouragement, and your help, we are so grateful and really need it. Know that I am thankful for you, know that you are loved, and know that G-d is always with us, even when we can't see.

Take two

Just keeping everyone up to date. I spoke with the nurse about restarting the antibiotic and things got lost in translation. They wanted me to take one full dose a day(which I think would do me a huge disservice). I already was only taking half doses, 3 times a day. So I have come to the conclusion to start with a quarter of the original dose with a probiotic. I just took my first dose. Say some prayers this does the trick without any adverse reactions.

These past days

I haven't forgotten about updating. Several times I have started to, but just haven't felt up to continuing. Since I have fallen off the face of the earth, I'll try to summarize what is going on. I had 2 attacks last week. I don't think I have ever had them so close together. With gastroparesis, any time you have an attack, you have to stop eating for at least one to two days and go on a clear liquid diet. Attack doesn't even seem like the word for it, attack actually sounds nice. It's more like pure hell, simply put. The words like nausea and pain can be thrown around so simply, but when I say pain or nausea, it means to the Nth degree. I am finding that it is either stress or diet that will trigger these. As most of you know, stress is a hard thing to escape. In fact, I have found, the more I try to avoid it, the more stressed out I get. Ironic. The attacks seem to come on without warning and with a vengeance that would make the toughest person fearful. I, a self professed foodie, have actually become afraid of food. I still crave it and literally dream about it. In each dream I have had, I could actually feel it and taste it and started to chew it (red bell pepper, tomato, and pine nuts) and the dreams were so real, that once I realized I was eating them, panic set in that I wasn't supposed to. I wake up with my teeth embedded in my bite splint (sexy, I know) and have to pull them out, only to realize that thankfully I didn't eat the food, but still, I can't eat:(..... With having the two attacks so close together, this blocked eating for several days and only increased the already dominate feeling of hunger, agitation, and longing. It blows my mind that I could be so nauseous to the point my knees buckle and I am crouched in the fetal position, yet be so hungry for food. The hard part with all of this is having only one bathroom in the house. Never in a million years would I have ever imagined how badly we need a second bathroom. It's not even a want, it's a need. I'll be in there sick as a dog, to hear one of my little kids chipmunk voices telling me they really have to go, and I can't do anything about it. Aria is still potty training (I don't want to even talk about it) and at one point I had to kick her out. She screamed and yelled and I can only guess how much humiliation and scarring that probably did for her, but she was just sitting there! So needles to say, I am out of the running for 2011 Mother of the year award. We are still are waiting for the Mayo Clinic to call, but finally contacted the doctor and reluctantly agreed to try the antibiotic Erythromycin. I have been beyond hesitant to do this for many reasons, but I bottomed out and do not want a Jejunal feeding tube. So we lined things up and Saturday I started to take it. With in a few hours I felt strange and my swallowing and sensation came back to parts of my stomach, I didn't even know were there. I didn't feel full! I could breathe! I didn't have anxiety! Each time I ate my foods (they still make you abide by the diet for a while) they went in and then I felt, NORMAL! I was so excited, to the point, I didn't want to say anything. I noticed that every time I ate, it was very audible and my stomach actually started to talk as loud as a person with a hearing problem. I figured, so what? Small price to pay, good. By the end of Saturday night, I was a bit nauseated, but still didn't feel like I was choking on my own throat, I was thrilled! By Sunday, I eagerly woke up and actually ran to my medicine as soon as I woke up and happily drank it down. I started to dream of all the foods I was finally going to try, Chinese fried rice, hummus, refried beans, oh how the list went on!! To make things even better, my women's bible study from church came over and helped Seth rake up the leaves in our yard. I felt like I had won the lottery. I had finally found my miracle, my magic potion!! Before my ladies had gotten to the house, I started to feel a bit funny and had to go and lay down. My stomach was getting louder and louder. Seriously, it sounded like banging pipes in an old house. I didn't give much thought until I realized, I was reacting to the antibiotic. I have been eating it with yogurt in the hopes the probiotics might slow things down, but then it hit. I'll spare the details, but you could hear my stomach across the room, plain as day. It wasn't talking back, it was yelling back in a very opinionated and angry tone. I'll spare you the details, but by this morning, I was a train wreck. When we called the doctor's office to report what had happened, the nurse replied "we have nothing left for you to try, if this doesn't work, that's it." I sat there stunned. We ended up having to call back several times, begging to see if we could back down the dose or combine it with something so the symptoms are less severe, but still haven't gotten a response. I told them how much it worked and I am willing to work with it, but we need a game plan. I am doing the best I can, and in this situation, there are no dramatics in any of this. This is straight up how it is, I am fighting to live. I had already only taken 1/2 of the recommended dose because I know my body, and thankfully I did or else I'd probably be in the ER right now. The crazy thing is, the stuff works, but now, how do we make it work without everything else?? I feel so close, yet so far! I barely have the strength to dress myself most days, let alone be fighting with the medical community to help. People aren't a one size fits all. I tend to be on the rare side and have a lot of complications. It is what it is, and whining about it, won't change anything. So, I am praying for divine intervention tonight. That some how G-d would give the doctor the right combination for me so that I can live again. On Saturday, I could physically breathe, this tells me, my breathing issues aren't all anxiety related. There really is a problem with some sort of signalling in my body. I have to say, I am so grateful for the support. You have no idea what a meal, raking of the lawn, garbage removal, laundry (I never thought I'd let anyone touch my undies!), child care, help, prayers, really do! Seriously, it has moved us to tears. The simple things in life that we did without thinking have now become such an obstacle. Seth and I just want to spend time together and having these things being taken out of the equation, has been a sanity saver. We are so burnt out and the help has been crucial to our survival. I am so grateful to G-d for His provisions, even if it's not in the way I had expected. This whole thing has been so humbling, G-d really does work in mysterious ways. It's been hard, because I want to do things the way I want them to be done and I can't. I no longer plan because my timing and His timing aren't the same. It's easy for me to get swept up in to the "I should be.... It's not fair...Why?" It doesn't do me any good. I have my moments, but have to keep on pressing my thoughts to the present and not the future. The bible is becoming more and more alive to me. Some scripture seems to have my thoughts written all over it. Since Eli, this hasn't really happened. I won't lie to you dear ones, I deal with fear. I go to places I shouldn't and they scare the hoo ha out of me. I never thought I would be battling for my life with something that I have never heard of. It's hard because some people have this and it barely affects them, why it's showing up the way it is on me, I don't know? All I know is I beg G-d for mercy every day. I know He is good, but this hurts so much. I have so much to be thankful for and I want to savor each blessing with enjoyment and I'll be honest, I've been in so much pain and it's hard to do. I don't believe that this is just a thing that has been dealt to me, I do feel that this is something that I need to over come. In all the turmoil, I feel so blessed to have those cheerleaders encouraging me, cheering me on, even when they don't see me. For those of you who have rallied around us, helped us, prayed for us, blessed us, you will never know the impact you have had on our lives. I just wish I could give back to each of you 10x's over what you have done for me. I am so grateful. I have the world's best husband, who carries me when I can't get up. Who dresses me, when I can't. Who cooks for me, takes care of the kids, cries with me, and holds me up every single day. I am grateful for each and every single child I have been allowed to be their Mother. All I can think is, I want to be there to help pick out Aria's wedding dress (no matter how much our styles conflict) and for Isaiah to see what profession he chooses to take the world by storm in. I want to grow old with my Seth and do silly banter all the way until our last breath with our hair white as snow. I want to laugh and cry with our friends and family and help carry them, when they are too tired. All I can say, is thank you Lord that I have lived to be 32 and I am so blessed. I don't want to think about gastroparesis anymore. I want to be able to help others and rejoice in this life that the Lord has blessed us with and truly learn what it is to be His child. Here I am pouring my heart out, and my son just ran by stark naked to the bath tub. How's that for a laugh?! As always I ask for your prayers, especially for the Lord to give this doctor the wisdom about this medicine. I see that miracle, it's so close I can taste it. Thank you all for your support, may the Lord bless you. On my knees, I ask you watch, pray, believe, and be amazed. May Your name be glorified dear Lord.

Hot Water

So here's what is going on. Never a dull moment in our house;) First lets start with a happy thing, I have been able to now eat, da da da dum! BAKED Cheddar Sour Cream and Chive chips!! I only can eat a few, but it's progress of yummy flavor. Oh flavor, how I have missed you! I smashed them up in my reduced fat cottage cheese and ooh la la, I thought I went to flavor town! It's not the most healthy option, but it gave me a sense of eating something normal. I have also been able to add to my juice collection a juiced strawberry, banana, apple drink. While I am not a fan of sweets to begin with, it's been nice to have a change. I had to put my carrot juice on hold, since I literally was changing colors. Just to be sure, while they checked my labs iron/hemoglobin, they are also checking out my liver and such. I find it crazy that in order to keep an eye on my anemia, they take so much of my much needed blood! I asked the Phlebotomist to leave some for me. This is one of the first times I actually almost passed out during the draw. I have NEVER had this problem. The poor woman just kept on asking me if I was alright and patiently waited till I could stand on my own. I noticed on my last draw that I could barely drive home, so this time after work, Seth drove me. I am so glad he came, because they weren't going to let me drive home. I am constantly cold. So cold to the point of heating up hot cups of water and carrying them around the house with me. I now wear my clothes, a bathrobe, and a blanket on me, most of the time. I can barely stand outside without being chilled to the bone. My parents saw what a hard time I was having and got me some thermal underwear. I never in a million years thought I'd be wearing thermal underwear in every day life. I am hoping they will help, since we have to keep the heat under a certain temp. for budget and Isaiah's allergies sake. He already has gotten a bad case of eczema that actually got infected with a staph/strep infection. I feel so bad for the little dude. He's already been on antibiotics for his ear infection and we have tried every cream under the sun, and now after seeing 3 doctors, they think they have found a good solution. I sure hope so, this whole going to doctor after doctor is quite taxing. To make matters even more interesting little Aria has come down with his chronic cough. We have been having to steam her in the middle of the night and stand outside with her on the front porch to help soothe her. Her little eyes have purple bags underneath them and she's a little more feisty than usual. It's been a while since Seth and I got a good nights rest, but we are trying to find the sweet moments in all of the craziness. Aria actually requested me for a snuggle. They rarely ask for me anymore, since I am mostly business and then have to go sit down, so it was nice to know I am needed. We are still trying to get all our papers transferred to Mayo Clinic, in the hopes that some one can help. We have literally been doing this all by faith. I don't know if it's an adult thing or a weird diagnosis thing, but it's been hard to set up a game plan. With Eli, before he was even born, we had a plan of attack. It was so regimented that really we had no say in anything, and looking back, for the most part, it helped. With this, we are so in the dark that we can't even see our hands in front of us. We don't really know how or where to really proceed, so we have been taking one step at a time in the hopes that the Lord will guide each step. I am sending files over to MN not even knowing how we are even going to get there or what needs to even be done. Part of me thinks I am nuts, the other part is at peace knowing this is what we feel G-d is leading us to do. The control freak in me is having to be tamed and I am having to trust I am fully in His hands. We are exhausted and we need help. I think our nervous systems have been previously fried, only we didn't know how much, till we needed to go and use it only to find a "NO OCCUPADO" sign on it's door step. I am doing the best I can and it's not enough. I am trying to just take one moment at a time, but with kids, you have to have some planning in place. The nausea and pain have come back off and on, so between the fatigue and all the emotions, I feel like we are twisting in the wind. It really is a survival of the fittest and right now, I am not making the grade. I still feel that things are going to get better, it's just a matter of when. I'll be honest, when you are tired and hungry, it doesn't make for the happiest of moods. But I am trying, I really am trying hard to ask G-d to change my attitude on how I see and deal with things. I could go into all the things that have gone wrong, but it just seems to bring me down even further. So, for now, I am going to sit bundled up with my hot water and be happy that it's clean and hot. As always I am asking for prayers (I won't stop) of healing, peace, trust, and guidance in all of this. So even now I am standing here, watching, praying, believing, and waiting to be amazed.

Taking Steps

I don't even know if anyone is interested in all of this anymore, but it makes me feel better to write, so here it goes. On the praise front, I have now been able to add cous cous and poached salmon to the list. The salmon didn't taste so great, since it had no seasoning, so it definitely tasted like fish. I normally love salmon on the grill basted with EVOO and dill, but for now, I can't, yet. I am thinking maybe this weekend trying some smoked salmon. I need to change things up. I think my diet is actually making me lose weight, due to the limit and the repetition. Seth made me a a pureed asparagus and potato low fat quiche. This is the first I have attempted a vegetable other than frozen pureed spinach, so we'll see how it goes. I am trying hard to push rice, since I am thinking I am too low on carbs and hoping this might gain some weight. I am in a size 0 and it's loose. We got my pre Albumin levels back and they looked normal, so that's awesome too. They still haven't given me any direction on what to do about the iron while I wait on my appt. with the other doctor. I have been praying for direction and still feel something is being missed. I don't know how to explain it, but I just do. I am learning after all these years to trust my instincts, I have rarely been wrong. So I spoke with a friend of mine who has been to Mayo 2 times in her life. Once for herself and and once for her daughter. She said both trips were worth it. She too has a lot of GI issues and has found that locally, when they can't find something, they just try to convince you that your a hypochondriac with anxiety. I am finding this to be the norm. I have spoken with a lot of people who haven't had cut and dried cases and they too had the same problems only to prove the doctors wrong. In my case, I am not saying they are wrong, I just feel things are being missed. She asked me if I had any swallow studies, allergy testing, intestinal testing, and several others done. When I replied no, she was quite surprised. I have been dragging my heals about going out of state. I don't want to wrack up mountains of debt, just to find out there isn't anything that can done. Nicely, I have been approached by concerned friends and family who have posed the question, "isn't it better to lose money and know you did everything you could?" That got me thinking. I don't want to have to be at death's door before anything gets done. I keep on challenging those close to me to try my diet for a week, heck even for a few days, and see how they feel. Not one person that I know of, has attempted it. I don't blame them. So I made the call the Mayo. I have to get all my info. faxed over and they go over it and call back a week later to let me know if it's worth the drive out. My friend said the nice thing about them is that you get all the testing done and they are used to seeing unique cases, and the specialist converse with each other to get a game plan. I am trying not to think about the cost at this point, it is my life after all, but it's hard not to. So we are going to pursue prayer on this front, because the only way that this can even happen, is if G-d makes a way. I am trying to be patient and listen, while being proactive as well. My skin is starting to turn yellow/orange thanks to my carrot juice, so I know I need to change things up and get my diet moving. I have been doing a bible study about David, and it's so amazing to see how faithful he was on waiting on G-d (not perfect). I lack patience and hate sitting still, and with all that has been going on, it's really all I can do. I find myself daydreaming of a do over of the last year, to change things I stressed out about, and can't help but wonder, would it have changed this? Pointless really. I get so caught up in the guilt of what could have or should have been, that I forget the present. Apparently, this is another thing to add to the list of things to overcome. To go through struggle while being grateful and gracious has been harder than I had ever imagined. Still, I am striving with G-d's provision of self control and patience, to keep on trying. I screw up, a lot. I keep on reminding myself that feelings aren't fact, and this is hard for my mind to accept. Right now Seth and the kids are carving pumpkins. They are finally old enough to appreciate the fun, and I am not with them. I had always looked forward to carving pumpkins so that I could roast the pumpkin sees with a little bit of salt. It was one of my favorite bed time snacks and actually helps aid sleeping! This year I won't be able to and that's been a bitter pill to swallow. Hopefully next year, I'll be able to. I keep on praying that this is a season that will pass. Just like winter (my least favorite season) it might be long and hard, but spring will come. My twisted bare limbs will come into fruition of beautiful leaves and fruit to harvest. I just have to focus on what to sow, joy or regret? Anger or peace? Etc... We all know what the right things are to pick, but for me, to put into action, is easier said than done. I want to leave of legacy of joy and peace, not this fear. I have cried out a lot to G-d lately, this has been a heavy burden and I so want it to be lighter. Last night Aria couldn't sleep, so I brought her into bed while we did our study. It just felt good to be so close, so warm. Today I brushed her hair several times and just took the time to enjoy doing it. I got to see her big blue eyes light up as she chattered away with her crest kid smile. Isaiah asked to play a game and normally I pass, but this time I got on the floor and watched him cheat. Yep, he cheated and then tried to get away with it. He hasn't tried to do this often so it's just interesting watching his facial expressions and seeing his mind in action. He's become such a little boy. While he still has those professor tendencies, he now is doing boy noises and seems to be looking for something to jump off of every time I turn around. They'd rather be out doors than watch TV. Every little jump or trick now needs to be announced and preformed. It's precious. They actually want to be with us. They want our approval. This only lasts for such a short amount of time, we just have to savor it. I love how they truly love to make a card for someone and how excited they get to actually be the ones to give it. To be a kid again, there's nothing like having that energy, innocence, and loyalty all wrapped into one tiny rosy faced little kid. I don't know what G-d has in store for me. Sometimes I wish I knew, other times, I am so glad I don't. All I know is that I am constantly being reminded this life isn't mine to live. Bottom line, it isn't about what I want, it's about what He wants for me. Some days I take 3 steps forward and some days I take 5 steps back, either way, He is still beside me. I don't know what your trials are, but I hope you know that G-d loves you. He loves you so much He sent His one and only son to die for you. He too is walking beside you and hears your cries as well as your laughter. While on some days it's easy for me to count the catastrophes, I also have to remember my blessings. My blessing far outshine the hardships and that can be easy for me to forget. As always we appreciate your prayers for healing, guidance, trust, and wisdom. Because even when I can't see, I still must believe.

Follow Up

I am making sure to keep you updated on my latest news. I hate it when you are left hanging and wondering what happened after this or that. First, Isaiah is doing much better. We are working with him in communicating not feeling well, instead of scaring the living daylights out of us (who needs a haunted house?). His cough is getting more junky, which I believe is good, but he still has some healing to do. I had my appt. today with Dr. F. He really is a great doctor and every time I don't want to like him, I do. He talked with us quite a bit about everything. He really gets that I am a foodie and empathizes. He acknowledged how skinny I was and gave us a plan of action. At 92 pounds, they tube feed, and that's it. We asked about about the pacemaker and I guess that was only for extreme cases and it pretty much failed. So much so, they shut the program down, so that alternative is out. He even offered us to go get a second opinion free of animosity! At this point, from what we have researched, he is doing everything he can. Reglan (nope), Domperidone (Uh uh), Erithromyacin? Possibly, but not to try until I gain some weight back. Pacemaker (out), Botox (insurance doesn't cover and no telling if I'd have a severe reaction), diet and stress management (yep, just where we were before). I did tell him about some symptoms to which he replied "huh, that's weird." Yay, weird, what every lady loves to hear. He said that my hemoglobin levels are low and we need to get this under control. This could also be adding unnecessarily to my lack of energy. I have tried every supplement under the sun and I can't digest iron. My diet blocks the high iron foods such as dark leafy greens, beef, and beans. So we are looking at IV iron. The problem is it can cause a reaction, to which seems to be an issue with most medications for me. I am also looking at having a procedure done to help as well, which we are presently trying to set up but have to see if I am strong enough to withstand it. He is going to be checking my Pre Albumin levels to see if I am malnourished and then we'll take it from there. I am beyond exhausted. I am hoping this will help remedy part of the situation and still holding on to hope. As I have said, I don't want to go to to tube feedings. Please lift me up in prayers that I can eat more varieties of foods without trouble and gain back some healthy weight. Also pray for me to find a better way to deal with my stress and clear direction in what to do. I need my hair back (seriously, I have a weird shaped head!) and my teeth are taking a beating. I find myself so cold all the time and I can't find any wool whole head to toe body suits with a just my face hanging out (hmmm, me looking like a sheep, it could be a new fashion trend!). The doctor even commented that my clothes not fitting. I look like I am playing dress up in someone elses clothes. Still, as frustrated as I am, I have to keep on looking up. I've got my humor (maybe I'll go on the road as a stand up comedian) and my loved ones, now I just have to find a hobby;) We really didn't find out anything new, but it's nice to know, I am doing everything I can do on my end. So now we wait, in hope, and expecting many miracles to come. Please keep us in your prayers and know that love is enough.

Eye of the Storm

We are exhausted. It's been quite a ride these last few months, but throw in common colds and ailments and it really adds to issues. As I have already explained in other posts we have been battling colds. Isaiah seems to always be affected the hardest due to his allergies. We are wondering if he may have asthma, but really don't know yet. We have taught him how to use a Neti Pot to gargle with salt water and is also on 2 allergy medications. We also have albuterol and saline for Eli's nebulizer that he uses through out the year, ever since he had RSV as a baby. So when he started to have a dry hacking cough, we figured it was just the cold heading out. That has hardly been the case. I must say, Isaiah has been blessed to never have an ear infection ever. I actually found myself thinking about it a few days ago. It always seems to be if I think about something, it tends to come a week later (hmmm, cure of gastroparesis and all our debt disappeared!) and sure enough, it came. Isaiah is a pretty good sleeper and I knew something was wrong when a few nights ago he woke up shrieking (I wouldn't be surprised if he woke the neighbors) incoherently, along with dry heaving. The hard part about Isaiah is when he isn't feeling well, every level of communication except, screaming and crying, shuts down. He has ALWAYS been this way. I think this is another factor in my germaphobia, is I know when he is ill, that if it gets bad enough, what we'll be facing. I know each child is a wreck when they are sick, but he is inconsolable. As a parent, you try hard to understand what is going on, and when your child is on the bed flopping around like a fish that has just been pulled from water along with a yowl that would make a tornado siren seem tame, let's just say, it frazzles the already fried nerves. He did this for several nights, but ran no fever. It was suggested it was probably a night terror, that is until the pieces of the puzzle finally came together. He has been dry coughing for a while, but by Saturday morning, he could barely speak without coughing his little lungs out. We barely got any sleep on Friday night and even did the breathing treatment with little success. We tried honey, Vicks, hot showers, cold air, you name it, we did it, with zero success. I figured by Saturday things should get better, but noticed he could barely get a breath in and called on call and was instructed to go to the Urgent Care. We have just switched Family Phy. to cut down on the long trip and thus I regret my decision. With our other Pede. they sent us to an after hours pediatric clinic as we have never had luck with just a regular Urgent Care. I had no knowledge they didn't participate until that moment. So Seth had to take Isaiah ASAP since the poor little dude looked like he had just ran a marathon. The doctor there to didn't have a lot for us to go on, but they did do a chest X-Ray (which came out clear) and also found (cue horns) a double ear infection. So he wrote a script for antibiotics and suggested using Delsym. I still can't figure out why they didn't give him a lidocaine breathing treatment to tame the cough, but I am not the doctor. So Seth brought him home, only now he is coughing way worse. We ended up calling back on call to see what to do next and were instructed to give him back to back breathing treatments. Normally, Albuterol makes him hyper and by this time he is hardly moving. Honestly, 5 years with the boy, and I have never seen him so lethargic. I kept on wondering if we should take him to the ER, but the on call said, unless it was asthma, there really isn't anything they could do. By now, I have hardly eaten (which I can't afford to do) and can barely see straight. Seth and I are practically going out of our minds to try and figure out how to soothe him. Little did we know the night was going to get worse. Yes, just when you think we have reached our "you never get more than you can handle," it did. We did so much stuff that honestly, I can barely remember what happened. All I know is in the middle of the night, he woke up shrieking, to which probably caused the earth tectonic plates to shift. We both ran to his room to him having blood running down his face and him barely able to breathe. This caused me to have a flashback to the day Eli died. I thought I was going to pass out. I was so shook up at the sight of him and lack of sleep and nutrition that I thought I had stepped into the gates of Hades. I begged Seth to get him to the ER (I thought we were going to lose him), but Seth knew to get him into the shower (this is where he has sought refuge) and let him stand there for a while and then eased into a bath. By the grace of G-d, we had 2 Popsicles in our house (We never have these) and found Aria's old numbing ear drops that haven't yet expired. I won't even go into the details of all that happened, heck, everything is still such a blur, but finally after pinning him down for the drops, he calmed down. All I know is that it's easy for Bull riders to stay on a bull, Isaiah would give them a run for their money. Man, he put up a fight and on top of that, if looks could kill, his could have. This would have been hard for me to deal with no matter what, but to have all my ongoing issues made this unbearable. I seriously have been so mad at G-d. I know He can handle it, so I won't lie about it. I truly took a few days and gave up. The fight in me left. It's been one thing after another and I am beyond the point of reason. The Gastroparesis, tongue/swallowing issues, medical debt, regular housing/life maintenance, emotions, general sicknesses, my hearing aid broke, oh and Aria gashed her chin open (thankfully a steri-strip and MIL advice was readily there). You have got to be kidding me!!! I am already disoriented and now I feel like I am even more confused due to not hearing what is going on. So I sat there and let go of hope. I did this for a few days and guess what? It sucked. Yeah, I said it. I came to the conclusion that I'd rather have hope in G-d, because the other thing, it's just too depressing. I didn't renounced Him, I just took a much needed break. I whined and pretty much just lied on the couch like a lump and stared off into space. This was beyond a few bad days. The odd thing was, it helped. I quickly realized how I'd rather have hope and keep swimming up stream then let go and let the tide take me out. Nothing great happened, in fact, things got worse. As we prayed for him, hope took over. It was just a tiny little life line, enough to keep us hanging on. Isaiah is doing a better today, nothing short of a miracle. He is still coughing quite a bit, but can breathe without difficulty (we'll see how tonight goes). I am so thankful. All this medical stuff plays mind games with me. I had been doing research and came across such really negative gastroparesis stuff (yes, I know I am not allowed, but I did it anyways) and it really shook me up. I am meeting with my GI tomorrow to discuss what to do next. I am praying that there is something that we aren't seeing that G-d will make clear to give me hope and redemption. Watching Isaiah scream for me the night before that he needed me, well, it solidifies the fact that I need to better. Not just for my comfort and dreams, but my kids need their Mom. Due to lack of sleep, I have no idea if any of this makes sense, all I can say is, over and over, we need prayers. Prayers for a miracle, prayers for hope, prayers for intervention, prayers for our future, prayers for resources, we are beyond desperate. I know the Lord is with us, even in my 3 days of silent treatment, I couldn't deny Him. He is there, even while I watch my life spin out of my control, I know He is there as frightened as I may be. We have so many things we have to consider. I am praying G-d will make a clear way. With Eli we were blessed enough to have Children's Special Health Care, so we didn't have to focus on how much his care cost. They don't have that for adults, so we really have to sit and weigh out options of where to go in care and how to treat. Lately, I have been waking up to nightmares that I ate food I wasn't supposed to. I wake up thinking it's a an odd dream only to realize that this all isn't a dream, things are complicated. I thank the Lord for my family, because as soon as I start to pity myself, my son, or husband come up to me and tell me how much they love me. Watching Isaiah gasping for breath last night shook my whole nervous system. To once again see one of my children struggling so hard made me realize how nothing in life is guaranteed. Just because we have been through so much, does not make me exempt from any more pain. No cliche sayings make it easier. It is, what it is. I am allowed to have bad days, but I have realized that once I start taking others for granted and enter into self pity, you are in trouble. It's a fine line that am walking. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. We live in a fast paced society and things get easily forgotten. I have to remember to stop going to my fall to method of anger and patiently wait on grace. Yelling and stressing will get me no where. In fact the more I see others do this, the more it reinforces, I want people to help me out of kindness and love, not out of fear and pity. This whole process is so painful, but I am learning I have to stop living out of the past and out of the future. I am not promised tomorrow, nor even 2 hours from now. All I have is each moment that is given to me, so now it's up to me to decide how I choose to spend it. This moment I am choosing to thank G-d for helping Isaiah (he is doing better). I am thankful that I have FB and this blog to ask others to pray when I am at my weakest. I am thankful that I have this appt. tomorrow and maybe something great might come out it. I am thankful for then and I am thankful for now. Even in my great pain, I have to remain thankful, because with out the hope of G-d, I am nothing. Please, keep us in your prayers.

Lord have Mercy

I am afraid of showering. Before you come up with silly remarks let me explain. My hair is falling out, rapidly. Kind of like it does after you have a baby. Each time that I wash it, after I am done, I have a webbing off dark hair entangled in my fingers. I have tried to wash it even gentler, but it seems not to make a difference. I don't know about you, but my hair has always been something that makes me feel pretty (when it cooperates). I have happy memories of going to the beauty school with my Grandmother and the women braiding my then, very long hair. A big plus with having a daughter, is being able to do her hair in styles I wish I could get away with. It brings me so much joy. I have been staying on top of vitamins and trying to make nutritious food choices to keep my body going. Still, it's not helping. To make matters worse, I weighed myself. With having the cold, I have taken extra precautions to stay on top of eating, but I ended up losing even more, dropping me below a 100 pounds. With me already struggling with swallowing coordination the cold caused my throat added inflammation causing me to feel like I was being choked for hours. Not the same kind as a panic attack, but something I can't even describe. My ENT got me in right away and was very empathetic to my situation, which I find rare in a specialist. He ended up putting a camera/tube up my nose and down my throat where he speculated throat spasms were probably the cause. Then the cold just escalated the symptoms that much more. I have been having stomach spasms as well, so I guess it's a simple enough explanation, for now. He gave me some meds to try and help release the spasm. I have also had shoulder, neck, and back spasms, but have been able to get that alleviated by our friend and Chiropractor without medication, which has be a G-d send. I just wish I could do it internally. My goal, getting healthy and getting off ALL medication. I am thankful we have it, but I went from being a party girl to a, I can't even take a Tylenol without being drowsy kind of lady. I have to be alert and available for my kids 24 hours a day. I need to know if they need me in the middle of the night, that I'll be able to help them out. On top of all those issues, as you know being sick, you don't get much sleep. After 3 days of broken up sleep, I was a wreck, both emotionally and physically. I lost it. I am already running on empty and this just sent me over the edge. I told Seth I quit eating and I am done, I just can't keep up. My mind is willing, but my body isn't able. I decided to be an ostrich and just bury myself head in the sand. I had several talks to G-d followed by silent treatment (He didn't seem to fazed by it). The kids were being kids and as usual, had left their stuff out. I asked several times for them to come and pick up their stuff. Their response was a slow saunter as they half tushed put things away. I was a kid that didn't have much growing up. I took care of what I had and cherished it (maybe a little too much), so to see the lack of care in their toys sent me reeling. I got up and flatly said, if you want me to pick this stuff up, I'll do it. But that means, I am taking it all out of here. I will donate this to other little boys and girls who want their stuff. As for the other stuff, you'll have to earn it back." Shockingly, I must have been running on adrenaline, because I gathered up their stuff and made my point. Seth came in about half way and I explained what had happened. I expected him to say I was over reacting, but instead, he agreed. Both the kids looked pretty shocked. I kept calm and just continued to work. Let's put it this way. They got the point. At first they cried, but then they just went about their business and actually started to play with each other, using their (wait for it) imaginations. I have decided my moment of insanity was actually a pretty good idea. We are going through their stuff and try maybe even sell some of it (especially the Thomas the Train stuff) since we have a ton of medical bills to pay off and almost zero storage space. We have decided that they are going to have to earn their toys back and if they aren't taken care of, they will be taken away. I probably sound like a jail warden, but I have had it. I don't think it's to much to expect a child to put away their toy once they are done playing with it. I want to raise them to appreciate things, not feel entitled. So weirdly enough, maybe some more good will come out of all this craziness (that or some therapy for years to come?) and in the end we'll see more positives than negatives. I have had some pretty bad days and I just feel so small. The panic and the fear have crept back in along with some bitterness and anger. This is a a catastrophic combination for me. All it breeds is negativity and this is the last place I need to be right now. I have been walking around saying "Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy." I probably look like a mad woman. Thankfully my kids love Michael W. Smith's song, so they just associate it with that. So I have began to call on others, something I am going to have to just accept needs to be done from time to time. I know when I don't hear from people, I just assume that everything is alright. So I am making the effort to say, I am not alright, I really need prayers. I feel like a child when I say this but, I just want to get better. I just want to be over flowing with peace and joy. I want to feel Him beside me and not question. I am having pain today. I don't know if the food just didn't digest or if it is spasms, but it's been pretty painful. In the last few minutes the burning has returned. Wooooo, I better get some aloe juice cause yowza, it's getting worse! I have to go, so I don't know if any of this makes any sense or what, I need prayers... I need a miracle.