In G-d Alone

What comes to your mind when you think of the holidays? Family, parties, traveling, decorations???? For me it was the excitement of all the holiday food! Of course being thankful for all the delectable delicacies I would get to wrap my taste buds around. Maybe it's because I am hearing impaired that makes my sense of smell and taste that much more enhanced. I used to love going to the Yankee Candle store and smell each of the scents with my coupon in hand, eager to purchase the latest foodie scents of cookies, mint/vanilla, or a juicy fruit of some sort. I just bypass all the flowery scents and bring on the food! I always wondered why they haven't come up with a corned beef, taco, or sweet and sour chicken scent yet, but I guess they bypassed my suggestion;) I suppose I could have just gone into the kitchen and whipped up a batch of cookies, since most people that stopped by (never do the pop in, or else the candle won't be lit!) seem disappointed that it isn't the real deal and it's only a candle, but non the less, my sniffer appreciates each waft! After Elijah and Aurora passed, the holidays became a point of dread. While everyone was kicking up their heals with joy and merryment, I was longing to hold my children in my arms and was riddled with guilt to even crack a smile. Since having Isaiah and Aria, slowly the excitement of the holidays has returned. With each holiday I'd get so excited to have a reason to pull out, here it is people, my Kenny and Dolly Christmas CD! It is the only time I listen to them and I don't know why, but I love it! I'd make my big batches of stuffed peppers or beef, barley, mushroom, onion, and tofu soup (trust me, it tastes better than it sounds) while Kenny, Dolly, and I, sing our hearts out. Of course there is the extra batches of green bean casserole made with cream, not milk. The egg nog. The puff pastries full of goat cheese, sun dried tomatoes, and more, oh my!!!! I would pull out my fat pants and sweaters and chalk it up to help keeping me extra warm through out the winter. I even told Seth before all this had happened, how excited I was for the holiday this year. The kids are old enough to understand what it's all about and actually engage in activities of the past. Then this all happened. I didn't even realize it was time to pull out the Christmas tree and I realized the holidays were finally here, and I can't do what I have always done. To you optimists out there, I understand that I am truly blessed. The thing is, can you imagine what it is like to do this if it were you. I am not saying going on a diet, because let's face it, most of us popped the stuff in out mouth and say we'll begin our diet tomorrow. In my case, I know if I put that food in my mouth, or if I stress out about this or that, not only will I physcially pay for it, but so will the rest of the family. I thought about skipping the holidays all together. I really did. But quickly came to the conclusion, I had begged for these children and I can't not let them have fun just because I am not feeling like it. So I knew that Seth and the kids would go, but figure it is best if I stay at home. I'd rather not bring anyone down. Besides, I kind of feel like a freak show with all my food being chopped up and it really does look nasty. As I am talking to my Mother in Law, she says to me, "Well you can have soul food?!" I blanked out and thought for a moment, is she nuts? I can't eat deep fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, collard greens? She then says "Soul food is being with those you love, it doesn't have to be about the food, besides people need to see you. They need to see how you live." It took me a while to mull this over, since the bulbs in my head seem take a while to light up. When finally her words hit home. She's right. What am I going to do, sit at home at every holiday until I get better? I'm living like the dead. Some days I have already buried myself, this has got to stop. Sure there will be days that will be awful, but on the days that are good, I need to live them up! Okay ya'll, I know I probably have come to this conclusion many a time, or maybe you just want to shake me like a can of pennies, but seriously, I never knew how quickly the wool gets pulled over my eyes. So this year it isn't going to be about the food. I am still trying to figure out how to block out the mmmmmmmmm'sss or the munch munches, but I'll get there. I know it may seem easy in your mind, but for me, this is a huge thing. On the 23rd, it marks 5 months since all of this began. There are many people in this world who are going through much worse, but it doesn't make my pain any less. To make things more interesting, between the kids getting sick, which is very hard physically for me to keep up with, everything in the house is breaking. My hearing aids, our washing machine, my glasses, which to Seth's credit he fixed 2 times. The first time he finagled them together, while the second literally broke apart while I was watching my bible study lesson and preparing to go to another one. Seth says so nonchalantly, "the devil must not want you to go." He ended up super gluing them back together and then wrapped them with black electrical tape. Seriously, I laughed so hard that I thought I might pee on the couch (I did not, thank you very much) at the ridiculousness of it all. As I got ready to go with my glue/taped glasses Seth informs me the cat peed on his shoes (to Bangle's credit, it hasn't happened since our "drive" to the humane society) and then Seth cleaned them up and ran them through the drier where the bottoms literally fell of (this happened after I came back from my study) and we just laughed. Normally I would have blew up and made a big deal, but when so many things are going on, all I can think of is my life would either make a great movie or a sit com. Between running the kids back and forth to doctors office, as well as myself and blah, blah, blah. It all became one big blah. I lost it at my study and the women were very encouraging. I try so hard to control my emotions when I see people, I don't want to be Kelly downer, but I guess we can only take so much. In all of this I fell behind on my other study. The one about David with Beth Moore. I haven't been able to get to my morning bible study, since my mornings are pretty rough. Again my Mother in Law (I don't know what I'd do with out her) encouraged me to get the on line videos to stay current. I figured as long as I did the work book, it would be just as good, but I promised her I'd do it, so I did. The funny thing was it took days to get the studies. Lifeways system went down and our order never went through and then when it did, the computer sent it to here and all I can say is, if you don't believe in dark forces battling for your soul, I'd have to to strongly disagree. Each time I try to focus on G-d, some obstacle comes my way to the point of my glasses literally breaking during my study. You see I listen with my eyes. I have hearing aids, but I read lips mostly. This video already wasn't captioned, which made it hard to hear, since Beth has a thick gorgeous Texas accent. So when my glasses broke, I really couldn't hear her and I had to shut it off. Okay, back to my story. Beth was talking about Psalm 62. We used to recite part of this to Elijah when he was alive. On this day that I began to watch this study my emotions were all over the place. I cried out to G-d and asked Him why these really huge things keep on happening to us. What did I do that was so bad and what haven't I learned? So when I heard this familiar verse, I felt as though His spirit said, "stop and listen." She went on to talk about David and how he wrote the psalms with all of his emotions, that he didn't censor himself to G-d. Also in his lamenting, he never forgot to continually cry out to G-d and most of all, praise and trust Him. Other than having a crazy King chasing after me, I kind of relate to David in the way that he expressed himself, minus the killing of people. Still he shared his whole heart with G-d and was faced with trial after trial with huge monumental consequences. Now, I am not David, but in his struggles G-d appeared to be molding David into the great king that he probably wouldn't have been. Not only without G-d by his side, but also that he had learned lessons that only he understood. The biggest thing that Beth was saying over and over that I felt G-d was shaking my mind to grasp is "In G-d alone!" I always seem to look for answers from people instead of looking fully to Him. People are not G-d, so no matter how wonderful they are, eventually they will do something to disappoint you. Especially those that you have higher expectations of. I have hit rock and a hard place with this gastroparesis. Even the nurse has said, there isn't much else we can do. I ask people of great faith many questions only to get the same answer that G-d Himself has been trying to tell me, Trust. Oh how hard that is for me, yet as I am being beginning to explore this, I know there will be great freedom when I enter into trusting Him. Rest. I have been fighting for so long. I forget the verse somewhere in the New Testament, but basically they speak of punching at the air. I feel I have been fighting so long that I can't stop swinging and it's only brought on that much more exhaustion and frustration. I believe a good swing is needed when you know what you are swinging at, but lately, I can't see my hand in front of me. I don't know what the future holds for me, only He knows what is going to happen. I could be healed tonight, or I could go to my grave sooner than I had ever imagined. I won't lie to you, I get scared. I want the future and it's hard to surrender that as I am having to bend my knee and TRUST that G-d has His perfect plan for me and it may not be what I wanted. I grieve for that control, yet I pray He will grace me with great faith and trust in Him, that I may bring glory to Him in every step I take, regardless of how painful it is. Beth spoke that we have battles that G-d alone wants only us to fight. I can still ask for prayers, encouragement, and support, but it is only me, that can fight this particular battle with Him, alone. So I have to put on my armor of faith and prepare myself for yet another fight for my life. I feel I am at the front of the line, my enemy is across for me, thirsting for me to deny my G-d and to give my soul to him. Every time I post, I come across a huge opposition and I have come to realize it has hindered me from posting more often. This takes a lot out of me, but I now realize, this is my gift. And I need to bring glory to G-d with my gift. I don't just sit down and post, these thing weigh on my mind and it takes a great deal of time. This one I have been writing for 3 days. Each day, I have had something come up, today it was a sudden onset of pain and nausea. While the evil one can create much damage, he is not equal to G-d. Not even close. So now after 32 years of hoping that others will rescue me, I am fully aware that while I need the community and support, is only G-d alone, that can rescue me. Greater is He who is in me, that he who is in the world. This is easy for me to remember when it's all sunshine and rainbows, but in the cloak of darkness is where the truth is being attempted to be snuffed out. Regardless of what others believe, I am learning I need to be more confident with who I am. Seth knows the true me and he says he is always surprised to see me in action in certain situations he knows that I would never let fly. While it is good to have restraint, it's also good to have confidence and boldness with respect. Before Eli and Aurora, I was overly confident and actually felt prideful in my aggressive nature. It is one thing to be confident and another to be aggressive. After the kids died, my confidence shattered. The only place I felt safe was in my writing. So often our parents would ask why I didn't communicate in person what I wrote for hundreds of others to see. I just couldn't. I didn't know how how. I need to learn to have confidence in who G-d made me to be, in G-d alone. Right now as I write this, the computer is trying to reject saving this post which tells me all the more, it needs to be posted.

Psalm 62

New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 62 For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
² Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

³ How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
⁴ Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.^[b]

⁵ Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
⁶ Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God^[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
⁸ Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

⁹ Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie.
If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion
or put vain hope in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

¹¹ One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
¹² and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
and, “You reward everyone
according to what they have done.”

So in this dear friends I ask for your prayers. I ask that you would pray for peace to fall upon me and our household and that the Lord would make Himself clearly known to me. Pray for us, since we know the enemy is always out like a prowling lion, waiting to steal, kill, and destroy. Also for hope, hope and a miracle. I thank you dear friend for walking beside me. While some may scratch their heads and wonder what kind of kool aid I might be drinking, I encourage you to believe. I don't know what kind of hardships you are going through, maybe you or your loved one is battling an illness, maybe you are all alone, maybe you are going through a divorce, or maybe you are just searching to be found. All I can say dear friend is, In G-d alone, I place my trust. Glory to G-d. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.