These past days

I haven't forgotten about updating. Several times I have started to, but just haven't felt up to continuing. Since I have fallen off the face of the earth, I'll try to summarize what is going on. I had 2 attacks last week. I don't think I have ever had them so close together. With gastroparesis, any time you have an attack, you have to stop eating for at least one to two days and go on a clear liquid diet. Attack doesn't even seem like the word for it, attack actually sounds nice. It's more like pure hell, simply put. The words like nausea and pain can be thrown around so simply, but when I say pain or nausea, it means to the Nth degree. I am finding that it is either stress or diet that will trigger these. As most of you know, stress is a hard thing to escape. In fact, I have found, the more I try to avoid it, the more stressed out I get. Ironic. The attacks seem to come on without warning and with a vengeance that would make the toughest person fearful. I, a self professed foodie, have actually become afraid of food. I still crave it and literally dream about it. In each dream I have had, I could actually feel it and taste it and started to chew it (red bell pepper, tomato, and pine nuts) and the dreams were so real, that once I realized I was eating them, panic set in that I wasn't supposed to. I wake up with my teeth embedded in my bite splint (sexy, I know) and have to pull them out, only to realize that thankfully I didn't eat the food, but still, I can't eat:(..... With having the two attacks so close together, this blocked eating for several days and only increased the already dominate feeling of hunger, agitation, and longing. It blows my mind that I could be so nauseous to the point my knees buckle and I am crouched in the fetal position, yet be so hungry for food. The hard part with all of this is having only one bathroom in the house. Never in a million years would I have ever imagined how badly we need a second bathroom. It's not even a want, it's a need. I'll be in there sick as a dog, to hear one of my little kids chipmunk voices telling me they really have to go, and I can't do anything about it. Aria is still potty training (I don't want to even talk about it) and at one point I had to kick her out. She screamed and yelled and I can only guess how much humiliation and scarring that probably did for her, but she was just sitting there! So needles to say, I am out of the running for 2011 Mother of the year award. We are still are waiting for the Mayo Clinic to call, but finally contacted the doctor and reluctantly agreed to try the antibiotic Erythromycin. I have been beyond hesitant to do this for many reasons, but I bottomed out and do not want a Jejunal feeding tube. So we lined things up and Saturday I started to take it. With in a few hours I felt strange and my swallowing and sensation came back to parts of my stomach, I didn't even know were there. I didn't feel full! I could breathe! I didn't have anxiety! Each time I ate my foods (they still make you abide by the diet for a while) they went in and then I felt, NORMAL! I was so excited, to the point, I didn't want to say anything. I noticed that every time I ate, it was very audible and my stomach actually started to talk as loud as a person with a hearing problem. I figured, so what? Small price to pay, good. By the end of Saturday night, I was a bit nauseated, but still didn't feel like I was choking on my own throat, I was thrilled! By Sunday, I eagerly woke up and actually ran to my medicine as soon as I woke up and happily drank it down. I started to dream of all the foods I was finally going to try, Chinese fried rice, hummus, refried beans, oh how the list went on!! To make things even better, my women's bible study from church came over and helped Seth rake up the leaves in our yard. I felt like I had won the lottery. I had finally found my miracle, my magic potion!! Before my ladies had gotten to the house, I started to feel a bit funny and had to go and lay down. My stomach was getting louder and louder. Seriously, it sounded like banging pipes in an old house. I didn't give much thought until I realized, I was reacting to the antibiotic. I have been eating it with yogurt in the hopes the probiotics might slow things down, but then it hit. I'll spare the details, but you could hear my stomach across the room, plain as day. It wasn't talking back, it was yelling back in a very opinionated and angry tone. I'll spare you the details, but by this morning, I was a train wreck. When we called the doctor's office to report what had happened, the nurse replied "we have nothing left for you to try, if this doesn't work, that's it." I sat there stunned. We ended up having to call back several times, begging to see if we could back down the dose or combine it with something so the symptoms are less severe, but still haven't gotten a response. I told them how much it worked and I am willing to work with it, but we need a game plan. I am doing the best I can, and in this situation, there are no dramatics in any of this. This is straight up how it is, I am fighting to live. I had already only taken 1/2 of the recommended dose because I know my body, and thankfully I did or else I'd probably be in the ER right now. The crazy thing is, the stuff works, but now, how do we make it work without everything else?? I feel so close, yet so far! I barely have the strength to dress myself most days, let alone be fighting with the medical community to help. People aren't a one size fits all. I tend to be on the rare side and have a lot of complications. It is what it is, and whining about it, won't change anything. So, I am praying for divine intervention tonight. That some how G-d would give the doctor the right combination for me so that I can live again. On Saturday, I could physically breathe, this tells me, my breathing issues aren't all anxiety related. There really is a problem with some sort of signalling in my body. I have to say, I am so grateful for the support. You have no idea what a meal, raking of the lawn, garbage removal, laundry (I never thought I'd let anyone touch my undies!), child care, help, prayers, really do! Seriously, it has moved us to tears. The simple things in life that we did without thinking have now become such an obstacle. Seth and I just want to spend time together and having these things being taken out of the equation, has been a sanity saver. We are so burnt out and the help has been crucial to our survival. I am so grateful to G-d for His provisions, even if it's not in the way I had expected. This whole thing has been so humbling, G-d really does work in mysterious ways. It's been hard, because I want to do things the way I want them to be done and I can't. I no longer plan because my timing and His timing aren't the same. It's easy for me to get swept up in to the "I should be.... It's not fair...Why?" It doesn't do me any good. I have my moments, but have to keep on pressing my thoughts to the present and not the future. The bible is becoming more and more alive to me. Some scripture seems to have my thoughts written all over it. Since Eli, this hasn't really happened. I won't lie to you dear ones, I deal with fear. I go to places I shouldn't and they scare the hoo ha out of me. I never thought I would be battling for my life with something that I have never heard of. It's hard because some people have this and it barely affects them, why it's showing up the way it is on me, I don't know? All I know is I beg G-d for mercy every day. I know He is good, but this hurts so much. I have so much to be thankful for and I want to savor each blessing with enjoyment and I'll be honest, I've been in so much pain and it's hard to do. I don't believe that this is just a thing that has been dealt to me, I do feel that this is something that I need to over come. In all the turmoil, I feel so blessed to have those cheerleaders encouraging me, cheering me on, even when they don't see me. For those of you who have rallied around us, helped us, prayed for us, blessed us, you will never know the impact you have had on our lives. I just wish I could give back to each of you 10x's over what you have done for me. I am so grateful. I have the world's best husband, who carries me when I can't get up. Who dresses me, when I can't. Who cooks for me, takes care of the kids, cries with me, and holds me up every single day. I am grateful for each and every single child I have been allowed to be their Mother. All I can think is, I want to be there to help pick out Aria's wedding dress (no matter how much our styles conflict) and for Isaiah to see what profession he chooses to take the world by storm in. I want to grow old with my Seth and do silly banter all the way until our last breath with our hair white as snow. I want to laugh and cry with our friends and family and help carry them, when they are too tired. All I can say, is thank you Lord that I have lived to be 32 and I am so blessed. I don't want to think about gastroparesis anymore. I want to be able to help others and rejoice in this life that the Lord has blessed us with and truly learn what it is to be His child. Here I am pouring my heart out, and my son just ran by stark naked to the bath tub. How's that for a laugh?! As always I ask for your prayers, especially for the Lord to give this doctor the wisdom about this medicine. I see that miracle, it's so close I can taste it. Thank you all for your support, may the Lord bless you. On my knees, I ask you watch, pray, believe, and be amazed. May Your name be glorified dear Lord.