Proceeding

So, here's how things are going. The day that I posted about all the TPN questions and lab work, I seriously was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I don't think any of us expected this to happen at the rate things have been going. I try to stay off the internet about gastroparesis, since any time we root around for answers, it leaves me upset. I ended up driving myself in such a tizzy that I finally went to sleep and was wiped out, which was a good thing. I had tried watching TV, but found myself after a few seconds, finding it so pointless. We are still at my In laws house, which has been a really good thing. I think had I been alone in all of this, well let's just say the Lord put us at the right place at the right time. Seth got the kids up early and took them to my parents house. I was kissed and hugged them and tried to drink up each of their beautiful features and just pondered at their preciousness. As you know before each procedure, you are fluid and food restricted. I don't know if anyone else has this issue, but just knowing that you can't have something, makes you want it all the much more. So I am made sure to drink a lot before the allotted time. When I woke up, I just began to pray and peeked my eye open. You would have thought I was trying to wait for the boogey man, but for some reason I was causciously trying to proceed around and think before I thought. I know that sounds weird, but I have acutely become aware that I just let any old random thought in and it takes over, only to spiral out of control, kind of like the TPN. It wasn't just the TPN that sent me over the edge, it's all the maybe's that followed after. I felt pretty peaceful. I am telling you people, if you think prayer doesn't work, just come talk to me. I have found on the days I have huge amounts of prayer going out, whatever the out come, it just goes better. Finally it was time to go to the procedure. We woke up to snow freshly fallen on the ground and the sun was shining brightly. I felt the Lord blessed me with that, it calmed me. We got to the waiting room and a neighbor of ours came to sit with Seth. While he and Seth chatted back and forth I smelled it. McDonalds. Here are all these people NPO and one of the patients drivers was munching on food, loudly and freshly. The smell of french fries wafted through the room and I began to salvate. I haven't had fast food in a long time, and dare I say, I miss it. It took everything in me not to get up and grab the food and throw it on the floor and stomp on it. For crying out loud, not just me was hungry, but all the others were too. Thankfully I got called back a short while later. I felt so bad for the woman with him. I am so blessed to have a spouce that would never even dare to think of doing that. Basically we got in and sat for close to an hour. I had a really nice nurse. So far every medical person that knows what I have, tends to give out a saddened look of pity. This tends to amp up my anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate compassion, it's the, nothing more that we can do look. She was gentle with my veins. I have bruises from all the pokes and my arm looks like a child got a hold of it with some crazy markers. She got it on the first poke, which was a huge blessing. No dragging or repokes, so grateful. The time came for me to go back. I never realized how much I hate taking risks, but it was time to take a leap of faith. They started to sedate me and I noticed that I wasn't falling asleep. I kept on waiting to go out, but I watched them pull out tubing and was realizing I wasn't asleep. I don't know if I ever fell asleep or if I woke up in the middle of the procedure, but I woke up feeling the tubes going into my stomach moving in and out while I tried to throw up. I started to thrash around and they figured it out and helped me back to sleep. It seemed like forever, but I think it was only a short amount of time. I later woke up to hear the bell dinging with my blood pressure. It was in the low 70's and they were forcing me to sit up. Finally, it was over. I remember bits and pieces, but went home to sleep. I am still having intense feelings of losing energy in which I can think fine, but can't get my motor skills to cooperate. I woke up to this feeling. I am guessing it has to do with sugar/salt/protein levels, but still it's hard to pin point what it is. Seth juiced me some veges and I felt a lot better after that. I stuck to the liquids and just relaxed as much as possible. I did end up waking up in the middle of the night with that lack of coordination and had to wake Seth up to get me some juice and water. I finally attempted Seth's whipped quiche. I don't eat the pie crust, but he whips eggs so they aren't so hard to digest. It has been my first real food in a while. They took me off of the Erythromyacin, which helps pulsate my stomach, to see if the botox is working. I ate the quiche and it seemed to move, but I am still having nausea and some other issues. Seth reminded me I still probably have narcotics in my system and that slows everything down. So, a long story short, I don't know if it worked. I need so much prayer and ask that you not stop. We are meeting with the naturapath on Monday to hopefully address the situation at hand, and we are hopeful that he might help. I have just been asking for Jesus to hold my hand and help me through. This whole thing seems to have gotten so out of hand, yet I know that I am in G-d's hands. I will try and keep you updated. Please keep the prayers coming. In my situation no news, doesn't neccisaryly mean everything is fine. I believe G-d is hearing our cries and I ask that you continue on my behalf to pray for a miracle. Being that this is ideopathic gastroparesis, there is always hope it could turn around. There is always hope. Please pray I can eat and get my calories and grow stronger and stronger. I truly believe the only reason my labs were good, was G-d intervened. Honestly, my diet has been awful, and I believe he stepped in and made them better. He is a G-d of miracles and hope, I am praying by the New Year, this gastroparesis will be healed. Pray that for me. Everyone keeps on talking about Christmas and I keep on forgetting it's coming. The anxiety of all of this is affecting Isaiah. Please pray for our family as well, they have been wonderful, but it's been so hard on everyone. I'll keep you updated, hopefully to tell that the botox is working. Hanging on to hope.