Taking Steps

I don't even know if anyone is interested in all of this anymore, but it makes me feel better to write, so here it goes. On the praise front, I have now been able to add cous cous and poached salmon to the list. The salmon didn't taste so great, since it had no seasoning, so it definitely tasted like fish. I normally love salmon on the grill basted with EVOO and dill, but for now, I can't, yet. I am thinking maybe this weekend trying some smoked salmon. I need to change things up. I think my diet is actually making me lose weight, due to the limit and the repetition. Seth made me a a pureed asparagus and potato low fat quiche. This is the first I have attempted a vegetable other than frozen pureed spinach, so we'll see how it goes. I am trying hard to push rice, since I am thinking I am too low on carbs and hoping this might gain some weight. I am in a size 0 and it's loose. We got my pre Albumin levels back and they looked normal, so that's awesome too. They still haven't given me any direction on what to do about the iron while I wait on my appt. with the other doctor. I have been praying for direction and still feel something is being missed. I don't know how to explain it, but I just do. I am learning after all these years to trust my instincts, I have rarely been wrong. So I spoke with a friend of mine who has been to Mayo 2 times in her life. Once for herself and and once for her daughter. She said both trips were worth it. She too has a lot of GI issues and has found that locally, when they can't find something, they just try to convince you that your a hypochondriac with anxiety. I am finding this to be the norm. I have spoken with a lot of people who haven't had cut and dried cases and they too had the same problems only to prove the doctors wrong. In my case, I am not saying they are wrong, I just feel things are being missed. She asked me if I had any swallow studies, allergy testing, intestinal testing, and several others done. When I replied no, she was quite surprised. I have been dragging my heals about going out of state. I don't want to wrack up mountains of debt, just to find out there isn't anything that can done. Nicely, I have been approached by concerned friends and family who have posed the question, "isn't it better to lose money and know you did everything you could?" That got me thinking. I don't want to have to be at death's door before anything gets done. I keep on challenging those close to me to try my diet for a week, heck even for a few days, and see how they feel. Not one person that I know of, has attempted it. I don't blame them. So I made the call the Mayo. I have to get all my info. faxed over and they go over it and call back a week later to let me know if it's worth the drive out. My friend said the nice thing about them is that you get all the testing done and they are used to seeing unique cases, and the specialist converse with each other to get a game plan. I am trying not to think about the cost at this point, it is my life after all, but it's hard not to. So we are going to pursue prayer on this front, because the only way that this can even happen, is if G-d makes a way. I am trying to be patient and listen, while being proactive as well. My skin is starting to turn yellow/orange thanks to my carrot juice, so I know I need to change things up and get my diet moving. I have been doing a bible study about David, and it's so amazing to see how faithful he was on waiting on G-d (not perfect). I lack patience and hate sitting still, and with all that has been going on, it's really all I can do. I find myself daydreaming of a do over of the last year, to change things I stressed out about, and can't help but wonder, would it have changed this? Pointless really. I get so caught up in the guilt of what could have or should have been, that I forget the present. Apparently, this is another thing to add to the list of things to overcome. To go through struggle while being grateful and gracious has been harder than I had ever imagined. Still, I am striving with G-d's provision of self control and patience, to keep on trying. I screw up, a lot. I keep on reminding myself that feelings aren't fact, and this is hard for my mind to accept. Right now Seth and the kids are carving pumpkins. They are finally old enough to appreciate the fun, and I am not with them. I had always looked forward to carving pumpkins so that I could roast the pumpkin sees with a little bit of salt. It was one of my favorite bed time snacks and actually helps aid sleeping! This year I won't be able to and that's been a bitter pill to swallow. Hopefully next year, I'll be able to. I keep on praying that this is a season that will pass. Just like winter (my least favorite season) it might be long and hard, but spring will come. My twisted bare limbs will come into fruition of beautiful leaves and fruit to harvest. I just have to focus on what to sow, joy or regret? Anger or peace? Etc... We all know what the right things are to pick, but for me, to put into action, is easier said than done. I want to leave of legacy of joy and peace, not this fear. I have cried out a lot to G-d lately, this has been a heavy burden and I so want it to be lighter. Last night Aria couldn't sleep, so I brought her into bed while we did our study. It just felt good to be so close, so warm. Today I brushed her hair several times and just took the time to enjoy doing it. I got to see her big blue eyes light up as she chattered away with her crest kid smile. Isaiah asked to play a game and normally I pass, but this time I got on the floor and watched him cheat. Yep, he cheated and then tried to get away with it. He hasn't tried to do this often so it's just interesting watching his facial expressions and seeing his mind in action. He's become such a little boy. While he still has those professor tendencies, he now is doing boy noises and seems to be looking for something to jump off of every time I turn around. They'd rather be out doors than watch TV. Every little jump or trick now needs to be announced and preformed. It's precious. They actually want to be with us. They want our approval. This only lasts for such a short amount of time, we just have to savor it. I love how they truly love to make a card for someone and how excited they get to actually be the ones to give it. To be a kid again, there's nothing like having that energy, innocence, and loyalty all wrapped into one tiny rosy faced little kid. I don't know what G-d has in store for me. Sometimes I wish I knew, other times, I am so glad I don't. All I know is that I am constantly being reminded this life isn't mine to live. Bottom line, it isn't about what I want, it's about what He wants for me. Some days I take 3 steps forward and some days I take 5 steps back, either way, He is still beside me. I don't know what your trials are, but I hope you know that G-d loves you. He loves you so much He sent His one and only son to die for you. He too is walking beside you and hears your cries as well as your laughter. While on some days it's easy for me to count the catastrophes, I also have to remember my blessings. My blessing far outshine the hardships and that can be easy for me to forget. As always we appreciate your prayers for healing, guidance, trust, and wisdom. Because even when I can't see, I still must believe.