Savoring

This weekend was wonderfully normal. I am learning to really savor the simple things in life and rejoice like I won a million dollars. We all ended up getting colds, but were still able to keep on smiling. G-d has blessed us with beautiful sunshine, which always makes the most mundane of day, a little easier to bear. I have started to live on the edge. One of favorite things before all of this,was to eat appetizers. When we went to a restaurant, more times than not, I'd order two appetizers instead of an entree. Two that I love are Olive Gardens chicken flat bread pizza and their spinach artichoke dip. I had a hankering for one and chatted with Seth about it. He encouraged me to go for it and that he'd be happy to eat the rest. We haven't really gone out since I got my diagnosis. Since I don't know what spices or fiber content is (they tell you calories and fat, but not fiber) in there, I figure why waste the money. I so badly have wanted deep fried mozzarella sticks, Chinese, and Mexican so bad, but don't dare try any of that, yet. For GP patients, every person is different in what they can handle. Most can't eat eggs and luncheon meat, but for me, it's just fine. So as I said before, trial and error. So Seth, with a glimmer in his eye, went and picked up the two items and brought them back home. I know what you are thinking, "oh no you didn't?" I respond with a "oh yes I did!" I paced around for a while and wondered if I was a fool to try, but then dived in. We pureed the spinach artichoke dip down while taking off the tomatoes and Seth brushed all the seeds off the bread. I took a small amount a smeared it on on piece of bread. I bit into it and ever receptor in my brain was shooting off like the 4th of July fireworks grand finale! It was spicier than I remember, so I only the one small round, but it was AMAZING!!! I found myself humming and dancing around with a stupid smile plastered on my face. I have to chew for a while especially with bread, but this made my two or three bites that much better. I then went to the flat bread and took one and picked off my ever so missed red bell peppers. I almost attempted them, but decided to start off small. I just had the one triangle, which was about 1/10 of the appetizer, but again, I found myself dancing around and truly enjoying what I was eating. I was so happy! Combined with the two appetizers, I might have only eaten 4 bites, but I so appreciated them. The best part? I did okay. Due to the fat content (I can only eat small amounts at a time) it sat for about 5 hours, but no pain! I can't do this all the time, because it does hinder me from eating all my calories due to having to miss a couple of meals. The balancing act is trying to figure out when my stomach is empty, because my brain still tells me I am hungry. If I eat to soon, then it seems to cause a mini flare up and even though I used the word mini, it's still horribly painful. I wish they had a stomach indicator that could set of a bell when my stomach has reached it's capacity. So a lot of times I will eat a few bites of food and be starving but in about an hour realize I am full. The biggest part that I have had to learn in all of this is self restraint. This is something I have never really had much of, and now I am required to master. It's actually overflowed in my watching my behavior, spend money, and other things, so it is a positive thing in a negative situation. I also ended up trying the Bolthouse Farms Mango Protein Plus and that made my taste buds sing! I tried just a small amount yesterday and a little more today. It was harder on my stomach, so I am not giving up on it yet. I can't help but wonder if I slowly slip in some things if I'll build up a tolerance to them. After researching more food ideas in all of this I am realizing the seriousness of this condition. I really have to stay on top of my food intake, to keep my health where it needs to be. I read up on the pacemaker and most of results from it were not successful, they even causes chronic pain and still didn't do what they needed it to do. I obviously want to avoid tube feedings, so I am trying hard to manage this with diet and stress modification. I am looking at acupuncture. I don't know how much it is or how successful it is, but at this point I will try anything. I know with going to Chiropractor how much surprising success I have had. She got me off of my pain meds for muscle spasms and migraines. So I can't help but give it a shot and try anything that is non evasive before I travel down the other roads. I met with a great friend of mine, who I vented my frustrations to. She reminded me that my progress may be slow, but things are getting better. When I am in pain it's hard to remember that, but I am praying hard for G-d to help me change my thought process. Seth is a optimistic for the most part and we all know optimistic people are happier. I long for that. Through all my trials I am learning quite a bit. I wish I didn't have to learn the hard way, but I have to make the best out of this situation or else I'll crawl into bed and never come back out. Now I just have to learn stress relieving techniques. I have noticed that not just diet affects my flare ups, but stress is definitely a contributing factor. I never knew stress could truly cause so much damage. As always I am still praying for that miracle, I still believe He can change all of this. In the meantime I am working on being proactive with doing the best that I can. This self control thing is harder than I ever imagined. I seriously am trying hard to keep myself in check, especially for my family's sake. I don't want my kids to feel punished for something they didn't cause. I love the story of the clay on the potter's wheel. I was watching Joel Osteen (I haven't seen much of his stuff) and he told the story of the clay and how it kept on having to get molded and put in the kiln and well he told it much better than me, but in the end it became something beautiful. So as much as all of this hurts, I try to keep reminding myself on those days that this is going to make me better in the end. I am trying so hard to rejoice extra on the days I feel better, because they really are something to be treasured. I am thrilled to be able to go on an extra outing, a family visit, poke around in the yard, laundry, or just plain keeping my cool when I want to explode. These are things I never payed much attention to. I just keep on wondering, did I do my best today (even if that means just getting dressed)? I am learning to appreciate my small hurdles that I used to never give a second thought to. I am learning it's better to try a couple of bites of something and truly appreciate it then to have giant portions of things and think twice about. Savoring. Yes, maybe I am learning to savor each little morsel of goodness that the Lord has to offer, that is called life. We have so much to be grateful for. Yet I know, most of the time I don't even realize it, that is, until it is gone. I don't know what the future will bring for me, let alone an hour from now. So right now, in this moment, I will just cherish the stillness of feeling normal and continue to believe, that G-d has a purpose for me.