Eye of the Storm

We are exhausted. It's been quite a ride these last few months, but throw in common colds and ailments and it really adds to issues. As I have already explained in other posts we have been battling colds. Isaiah seems to always be affected the hardest due to his allergies. We are wondering if he may have asthma, but really don't know yet. We have taught him how to use a Neti Pot to gargle with salt water and is also on 2 allergy medications. We also have albuterol and saline for Eli's nebulizer that he uses through out the year, ever since he had RSV as a baby. So when he started to have a dry hacking cough, we figured it was just the cold heading out. That has hardly been the case. I must say, Isaiah has been blessed to never have an ear infection ever. I actually found myself thinking about it a few days ago. It always seems to be if I think about something, it tends to come a week later (hmmm, cure of gastroparesis and all our debt disappeared!) and sure enough, it came. Isaiah is a pretty good sleeper and I knew something was wrong when a few nights ago he woke up shrieking (I wouldn't be surprised if he woke the neighbors) incoherently, along with dry heaving. The hard part about Isaiah is when he isn't feeling well, every level of communication except, screaming and crying, shuts down. He has ALWAYS been this way. I think this is another factor in my germaphobia, is I know when he is ill, that if it gets bad enough, what we'll be facing. I know each child is a wreck when they are sick, but he is inconsolable. As a parent, you try hard to understand what is going on, and when your child is on the bed flopping around like a fish that has just been pulled from water along with a yowl that would make a tornado siren seem tame, let's just say, it frazzles the already fried nerves. He did this for several nights, but ran no fever. It was suggested it was probably a night terror, that is until the pieces of the puzzle finally came together. He has been dry coughing for a while, but by Saturday morning, he could barely speak without coughing his little lungs out. We barely got any sleep on Friday night and even did the breathing treatment with little success. We tried honey, Vicks, hot showers, cold air, you name it, we did it, with zero success. I figured by Saturday things should get better, but noticed he could barely get a breath in and called on call and was instructed to go to the Urgent Care. We have just switched Family Phy. to cut down on the long trip and thus I regret my decision. With our other Pede. they sent us to an after hours pediatric clinic as we have never had luck with just a regular Urgent Care. I had no knowledge they didn't participate until that moment. So Seth had to take Isaiah ASAP since the poor little dude looked like he had just ran a marathon. The doctor there to didn't have a lot for us to go on, but they did do a chest X-Ray (which came out clear) and also found (cue horns) a double ear infection. So he wrote a script for antibiotics and suggested using Delsym. I still can't figure out why they didn't give him a lidocaine breathing treatment to tame the cough, but I am not the doctor. So Seth brought him home, only now he is coughing way worse. We ended up calling back on call to see what to do next and were instructed to give him back to back breathing treatments. Normally, Albuterol makes him hyper and by this time he is hardly moving. Honestly, 5 years with the boy, and I have never seen him so lethargic. I kept on wondering if we should take him to the ER, but the on call said, unless it was asthma, there really isn't anything they could do. By now, I have hardly eaten (which I can't afford to do) and can barely see straight. Seth and I are practically going out of our minds to try and figure out how to soothe him. Little did we know the night was going to get worse. Yes, just when you think we have reached our "you never get more than you can handle," it did. We did so much stuff that honestly, I can barely remember what happened. All I know is in the middle of the night, he woke up shrieking, to which probably caused the earth tectonic plates to shift. We both ran to his room to him having blood running down his face and him barely able to breathe. This caused me to have a flashback to the day Eli died. I thought I was going to pass out. I was so shook up at the sight of him and lack of sleep and nutrition that I thought I had stepped into the gates of Hades. I begged Seth to get him to the ER (I thought we were going to lose him), but Seth knew to get him into the shower (this is where he has sought refuge) and let him stand there for a while and then eased into a bath. By the grace of G-d, we had 2 Popsicles in our house (We never have these) and found Aria's old numbing ear drops that haven't yet expired. I won't even go into the details of all that happened, heck, everything is still such a blur, but finally after pinning him down for the drops, he calmed down. All I know is that it's easy for Bull riders to stay on a bull, Isaiah would give them a run for their money. Man, he put up a fight and on top of that, if looks could kill, his could have. This would have been hard for me to deal with no matter what, but to have all my ongoing issues made this unbearable. I seriously have been so mad at G-d. I know He can handle it, so I won't lie about it. I truly took a few days and gave up. The fight in me left. It's been one thing after another and I am beyond the point of reason. The Gastroparesis, tongue/swallowing issues, medical debt, regular housing/life maintenance, emotions, general sicknesses, my hearing aid broke, oh and Aria gashed her chin open (thankfully a steri-strip and MIL advice was readily there). You have got to be kidding me!!! I am already disoriented and now I feel like I am even more confused due to not hearing what is going on. So I sat there and let go of hope. I did this for a few days and guess what? It sucked. Yeah, I said it. I came to the conclusion that I'd rather have hope in G-d, because the other thing, it's just too depressing. I didn't renounced Him, I just took a much needed break. I whined and pretty much just lied on the couch like a lump and stared off into space. This was beyond a few bad days. The odd thing was, it helped. I quickly realized how I'd rather have hope and keep swimming up stream then let go and let the tide take me out. Nothing great happened, in fact, things got worse. As we prayed for him, hope took over. It was just a tiny little life line, enough to keep us hanging on. Isaiah is doing a better today, nothing short of a miracle. He is still coughing quite a bit, but can breathe without difficulty (we'll see how tonight goes). I am so thankful. All this medical stuff plays mind games with me. I had been doing research and came across such really negative gastroparesis stuff (yes, I know I am not allowed, but I did it anyways) and it really shook me up. I am meeting with my GI tomorrow to discuss what to do next. I am praying that there is something that we aren't seeing that G-d will make clear to give me hope and redemption. Watching Isaiah scream for me the night before that he needed me, well, it solidifies the fact that I need to better. Not just for my comfort and dreams, but my kids need their Mom. Due to lack of sleep, I have no idea if any of this makes sense, all I can say is, over and over, we need prayers. Prayers for a miracle, prayers for hope, prayers for intervention, prayers for our future, prayers for resources, we are beyond desperate. I know the Lord is with us, even in my 3 days of silent treatment, I couldn't deny Him. He is there, even while I watch my life spin out of my control, I know He is there as frightened as I may be. We have so many things we have to consider. I am praying G-d will make a clear way. With Eli we were blessed enough to have Children's Special Health Care, so we didn't have to focus on how much his care cost. They don't have that for adults, so we really have to sit and weigh out options of where to go in care and how to treat. Lately, I have been waking up to nightmares that I ate food I wasn't supposed to. I wake up thinking it's a an odd dream only to realize that this all isn't a dream, things are complicated. I thank the Lord for my family, because as soon as I start to pity myself, my son, or husband come up to me and tell me how much they love me. Watching Isaiah gasping for breath last night shook my whole nervous system. To once again see one of my children struggling so hard made me realize how nothing in life is guaranteed. Just because we have been through so much, does not make me exempt from any more pain. No cliche sayings make it easier. It is, what it is. I am allowed to have bad days, but I have realized that once I start taking others for granted and enter into self pity, you are in trouble. It's a fine line that am walking. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. We live in a fast paced society and things get easily forgotten. I have to remember to stop going to my fall to method of anger and patiently wait on grace. Yelling and stressing will get me no where. In fact the more I see others do this, the more it reinforces, I want people to help me out of kindness and love, not out of fear and pity. This whole process is so painful, but I am learning I have to stop living out of the past and out of the future. I am not promised tomorrow, nor even 2 hours from now. All I have is each moment that is given to me, so now it's up to me to decide how I choose to spend it. This moment I am choosing to thank G-d for helping Isaiah (he is doing better). I am thankful that I have FB and this blog to ask others to pray when I am at my weakest. I am thankful that I have this appt. tomorrow and maybe something great might come out it. I am thankful for then and I am thankful for now. Even in my great pain, I have to remain thankful, because with out the hope of G-d, I am nothing. Please, keep us in your prayers.