Trial and Error

I am glad that I am able to write, without it, I'd think I would need to be locked up! I had a really great day on Wednesday, I actually made it to my new bible study where I was received with warm welcomes. G-d really came through, because I had no energy and really didn't think I'd make it. Thankfully, He made my morning go quite smoothly and the kids were elated to get out of the house to play. I was supposed to go to the dietician, but when I got to the hospital they informed me that it was going to be $112 and that insurance did not cover the visit. I sat there completely stunned. The woman who checked me in told me I needed to make a decision and take chances with my life. I seriously wanted to list off every "chance" I have taken and say some really not nice things to her. Thankfully, I was able to compose myself and just ignore her. My Mother In Law saved the day once again. She had called ahead of time to make sure I was able to find a dietician who already knew about gastroparesis. A lot of the times I have found people in the medical community have never even heard of this, so I concerned I'd be wasting my time. Sally (my MIL) actually spoke with the dietician and figured she probably didn't need to. I am glad she did, because the dietician came out and spoke with me because she had spoken with Sally. She ended up giving me a packet of info. and her card and was quite understanding that I couldn't do the appt. Both a plus and negative to the situation, she really didn't have anything new to tell me. I was hoping there was something I was missing that was staring me right in the face, but in reality, I am doing everything that can be done. It saved us money, but it also reinforced the frustration that there isn't something extra to do right now. Seth has been doing research and is finding some people have literally had their stomachs REMOVED! The odd thing was, they still found no relief. So, I am still praying hard for a miracle and that things get better. The dietician also emphasized what my dear friend Carol has said all along, just try something and see how it works. Trial and Error. I am going to have to stare fear in the face and just try things and begin to accept that I am going to have bad days. So I ate a little bit of roast beef on my sandwich and guess what? Error. I ate it for dinner and it was a small amount, but after a few hours I realized it wasn't budging. The best way I can describe this feeling is if you are claustrophobic. Imagine yourself in a tight place, completely sealed in and you can't budge. This is what it feels like for me, and inside out claustrophobia. It was so stuck, by the next morning, it had barely moved. Then the pain and literal sensation of burning all over my chest started and stay for a while. When I say burning, I do not mean heart burn. I have had heart burn all my life, this is a, I want to jump in ice cold water, burning that spreads over my whole chest area. I find myself wanting to scream it hurts so bad, and I have a high physical pain tolerance. To make things worse, my trachea started to have that sensation of a big piece of meat stuck in my throat feeling, which makes it hard for me to speak and swallow. The kids, of course, are completely unaware of what is going on, are running and playing while I am praying to G-d for mercy. I called my GI to let him know and they said he was out of the office and to call back tomorrow. What?? Ummm, kind of need some help here! Which I ended up calling and he was out of the office today as well, I guess he must be sick, so that was a wash. I know some of this may just be something I have to get used to, but even the GI is puzzled as to the swallowing thing. When I spoke with dietician she asked what meds I am on and I explained my issues. She informed me that it's quite common that most people can't tolerate the meds and don't even bother. In one sense, her statement made me feel so much better, I'm not crazy! On the other hand, it's reinforcing the reality that this isn't something that isn't easily going to go away, if at all. I have begun to realize there are three major ways, that Christians address major trials. One, is that G-d is punishing you. Two, that G-d is shaping you and actually putting your abilities to the test. Or three, that it's just life and there is not rhyme or reason, stuff just happens. I am actually clinging to the second one. It makes it easier for me to accept knowing that this will bring Him glory somehow and good will come out of this. All I know is every victory in bible seems to end with a feast. Eating is a huge part of how we celebrate. Now on top of that, with my speaking being so difficult, I can't help but cry out. Eating and speaking are our main ways of surviving, what on earth am I supposed to do? We have come across people that have had so many surgeries, seen every doc imaginable, and still no help. They seem so hopeless. I don't like that. No matter how much I complain, I am still hanging on to hope. I am still clinging to the belief that G-d will heal me from this. I have to. Everywhere I go, everything seems to be tied into food. It's on TV, get togethers, bill boards, ads, magazines, just talking with people, how do I fit in all of this? The fact that this is chronic is pretty taxing too. We all have timetables in which we get tired of dealing and hearing about the same things, I know I do. I'm tired of it. I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't want to worry every time I put something in my mouth, I am going to be doubled over in pain a few hours later. I don't want to pay anymore of Seth's hard earned money over to the doctors. I don't want to be sitting at home having to cancel get togethers because of not feeling well. I don't want to have to call him or anyone else over to take care of my kids because I am unable. It's frustrating having to depend on others to do things that seem so simple in my mind, because I have done them for years on my own. I don't want to complain, I just want to feel peaceful about all of this. The anxiety has actually gone down a little bit, probably because I am getting used to this I guess. Seth keeps on telling me not to think about the future and to just take one moment at a time. I know he's right, but my mind just takes off and they I get myself in a tizzy of "what if's." It's easier said than done. On top of that is the fact that me and my family are coming down with some sort of cold thingy. They are miserable to begin with, but now I have to figure out how to balance eating with not feeling well. Just simple things that I am going to have to learn to deal with. My go to tendency is to keep everyone quarantined, but now having Isaiah in Kindergarten, I am having to face my fear head on. He has to go to school. He's going to bring things back home, but how do I fight all of this off in an already weakened state? I know it all falls back to trusting G-d. I am thankful that He is real. I am thankful for the promises the He will keep. As much as I grumble and cry, He won't leave me. I am just venting my feelings, but at the end of the day, I know that He will see me through. I am determined to beat this, I won't go down without a fight. G-d gave me my strong personality for a reason. I have always felt frustrated that I am not more relaxed, but in my case, it's helped me keep on going. I am already hoping a year from now, I will be sitting down to a lovely feast celebrating the ability to be able to eat. I probably sound repetitious, but the venting helps. On a bright note, Seth met with Isaiah's teacher. She didn't have one bad thing to say. She said he is blending in wonderfully and that the kids love his smartness. I was concerned he might not have any friends, but she said he is doing great socially and academically. He is learning to become more physical in playing, which is awesome. He normally would rather sit down with a book than romp around. I am so glad we had Aria, since they seem to be the perfect playmates for each other. Aria keeps him physically moving, whereas Isaiah has taught her everything he knows. They have their moments of sibling stuff, but for the most part they beg to be with each other. They still want bunk beds, which cracks me up. Seth is working hard, as always. We all woke up this morning feeling cruddy, so I am praying that this is the worst of it and that we bounce back quickly. I love the whole season change thing, but it seems with the colder weather everyone gets sicker easier. I wonder, in tropical climates does the same thing happen? I am looking forward to some better days, I know they are out there. Seth and I were talking about how we have noticed things really do get better when prayers are asked for. Please continue to pray that I would be healed from this and that the Lord would redeem me and my family, in a great and positive way. I can't wait for boring, boring is good! I was going to be wild and try and get my nose pierced, but then thought I could be even more wild and try to eat some vegetable soup. I love soup, but they have warned me to stay away from the veges. I am hoping the soup with cook everything down well enough that I can tolerate it. Who would have thought my idea of living on the edge would be eating vegetables? I must be getting old. I thank you for allowing me to share how I feel and I hope your weekend is wonderful. May the Lord bless you and may you enjoy your life and see how blessed you really are.