A snip and a new look

I just want to thank my dear friend Julie, who gave us her precious time to change up my blog. Julie, you are awesome at this and I can't thank you enough!! I had a whole post that took me over an hour to work on, when my hand slipped. Yep, it erased it all!! I thought I was going to scream, but what's done is done. Seth ended up going through with getting snipped. He says he'd rather I refer to it that way then the technical term. Yes, I do have his permission to tell this story. He's so secure in his manhood that it doesn't bother him when I talk about it. It happens everyday and why should anyone be embarrassed about talking about it, after all we are just being responsible. Yesterday we dropped the kids off with Seth's parents. They were elated to spend time with Pop Pop and Nana, so they weren't to sad to see us go. We decided to first stop off at the hospital to visit Bubbe, since the office is kiddie corner from where she is staying. I had a rough night and wasn't feeling well, so I made sure to wear a mask and stay back as far as I could. I just couldn't bear the thought of being so close and not saying hello. She was dozing when I came up and immediately perked up as soon as she saw me. She looked quite tired and wore out. I guess her PIK line ended up bleeding quite badly. My Mom pretty much figures that what blood in the transfusion went in, probably came back out. We are praying that her veins would toughen up and that they'd be able to get her fluid weight in balance. She hasn't walked since being in the hospital, so she needs to work on getting the energy to do that before she can even think of going home. I had to leave quickly as my Mom didn't want to risk me passing anything to her, so I left. I got into the car finding that Seth was starting to get a little nervous. We made our way over to the parking structure and then headed up. On the way up, I asked him again, if he was sure. With out missing a beat, he said he was. Elijah's urologist is in the same group of doctors. He was amazing with him and us. In fact, after Eli died, he sent a hand written letter sending his condolences. That old building is gone now and now the new one is quite fancy. We sat down next to the kids room (they have a window that you can see in) and were looking at all the pictures of the kids. Eli would have been up there. I started to get quite emotional about everything. Seth reassured me that this was the right thing to do, but offered to cancel if it really bothered me that much. My emotions said no, but my logic screamed yes. It's just crazy to think at 31 that I am done having kids. For over 9 years, it's been such a pivotal part of our life together. I imagined having such a larger family and we are short, our two precious ones. After what seemed like a million years, the doctor came and got us. As he took us back to the room, we started to banter back and forth. "How long does he have to be down for?" "6 weeks," he responds without missing a beat. I actually started to laugh and I started to relax. He asked about Seth's job and seemed interested. I was expecting to be put through the wringer about why we were having this type of procedure being done at such a young age. He did ask how many kids we have. I always get stumped with this question, because we have 4, but really only 2 are here, so then it gets weird. Not that Seth and I feel weird, but sometimes other people get uncomfortable. We briefly explained our story, when he stopped us to ask Eli's name. Once we said "Elijah Praise" he said he remembered us well. I about cried. I love it when people remember him. We talked a bit about Eli and Rory and he didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable. I was kind of surprised, as most specialists tend to be quite clinical and not show any emotion. "We had a loss too." His face softened. He would have been 12 last month and he died of a brain tumor 5 days after he was born." It's amazing how we run into strangers who have been in our situation and we both end up pouring out our hearts without any awkwardness. It's an unspoken bond. I asked him if they had any more kids and they did. They had more naturally, but decided to stop because she'd had several c-sections and it increases your chances of rupturing (one of the many reasons we decided to go through with this) but they also adopted 2 children as well. They named their second child's middle name, after their first born. Right way, I knew G-d had meant for us to be there. I prayed so hard to know if this was the right decision for us or not, and really didn't feel anything strongly. After he shared, I knew. The best part was how he still talks about his deceased child and still has his pictures up and the man is a doctor! The more I have been meeting people that have been in our situation, the more I am realizing that we are normal. It's not weird that we talk about them, after all this time. It's okay that they are still very much are apart of our lives. Through out the appt. we'd skip back in forth with banter and being able to openly dialogue about our children. Here is the funny part. So after we give the okay to go ahead with the procedure he takes us into another room. Seth started to get a little more nervous. I walked into the room and was immediately looking for the stirrups. I asked the nurse where they were? She said they didn't have them, but she wished they did. I told her I did my time, now he has too. We all started to laugh. I won't give to many details, as well, eew. I have to say, I don't see what the big deal is all about. After giving birth to 4 children, one naturally, and 3 c-sections, it was a piece of cake. As they are prepping, Seth begins to laugh. Now, Seth and I are very used to medical procedures being done, on me, and Eli, but not him. Each minute that was passing by he seemed to laugh even harder. I asked the doc if this was a normal response. He replied "eh, no." Seth is still laughing. Of course it was because he was embarrassed and nervous. I quickly reminded him how many people were in the operating room with Eli and then I had to face them every day for months! Men, oy! Well, the more he tried to contain his laughter the more he'd laugh. Here is a funny fact about me. I laugh in horrible situations, and once I start, I can not stop. I had a friend fall off her bike on a bridge and almost fall off the bridge and I started laughing and couldn't stop. I felt so bad and it was so rude, but once I start I can't stop. Thankfully, this one time, I held it in and kept my composure. It's just that I have never seen Seth jump so high with a needle before. I about lost it. Anyhoo, I am literally laughing right now. Needless to say, it went easily. Seth got to go home and ride the couch while watching whatever his manly heart desired. So our new chapter begins and we can focus on the future. I can clean out the storage and embark on this new part of our lives. No looking back now. The whole time this is happening I was having intense pressure around my eyes and jaw. I have been having this on going horrible headache since Monday. The light is so bright and sound is magnified by millions. Since the kids were at his parents and Seth was fine, I finally caved and went to Urgent Care. I have been trying to avoid going because I don't want to pick up anything else. My goal is to keep us healthy so that the kids can go see Bubbe before Isaiah goes back to school. Unfortunately the pain over ruled my fear and I went. Thankfully I got in pretty quickly and was diagnosed with my first ever, sinus infection. So I got my antibiotics and I am hoping that they work quickly, as I feel like my head is being slammed in the door repeatedly. I am excited about this coming week as we have so many fun things planned. Tonight we are having a meal of appetizers for us and the kids. Right now Seth trying to teach Isaiah how to use the Wii so we can all exercise together (I couldn't do that after having my procedures!). We are both excited about tomorrow morning and can't wait to see the look on the kids faces as they both know what is going to happen. I got Aria 2 my little ponies and I am excited to be able to play with her. She is officially my last baby (sigh) but I am so blessed. Well, Seth is trying to dance so I need to go and raz him. May you all have a very Merry Christmas. We love you Eli and Rory, you truly are missed.

The Power of Prayer

First things first. I thank our Lord for being so gracious and praise HIM, for He truly listens! I also want to thank all of you for your prayers and please continue as there is truly power in prayer. We were so blessed last night as Seth's Aunt and Uncle watched the kids for us so that we could go in for a visit. At first my annoying germaphobia kicked in. I started to worry that I might pass something to her (since we've been sick) and worrying about this and that. I stopped myself and prayed "Lord please take this anxiety away, you haven't given me a spirit of fear, but of love and sound mind. Give me your wisdom..." I sat still for a moment and then packed up our stuff to see Bubbe. I can't remember the last time visiting someone in the hospital. It's so hard for me to go in any of them, let alone that one. Thankfully the Lord is changing me and He gave me the courage to go and I am so glad He did. We walked those halls so many times with Eli, so I knew right where I was going. I poked my head in (complete with mask and a gown) and there she was. She look so small and she has a Bi-Pap machine on, which looked huge on her small head. My Mom quickly ran to me and started to fill me in. I waved to my Bubbe and she just grinned from ear to ear, she did this the entire visit. Of course, she wanted to stroke my face, as she has done my entire life, but I couldn't come that close. So we just hugged ourselves and blew kisses. Right away, before I could ask, she wanted to know how everyone was. We filled her in and Seth soon joined us. Seth told her that she was his Grandma too, and she began to cry. We chatted for quite a while and I got her to eat. Seth ran downstairs to get her some frozen yogurt with her favorite, chocolate. She ate pretty well for us, even though she didn't want to. We talked about all the things we have done in the past and what we need to do in the future. She always used to take us mini golfing (or putt putt, is what we called it) and I reminded her that Isaiah is about that age to go and she needs to be able to take him. Now anyone who knows her, knows she loves a good party. So I told her when she gets out, we'll have to have one and go out to eat. She lit up like a Menorah! All the while, she could only see my eyes (since I had the mask on) and kept on telling me how beautiful I was. I started to get teary eyed, as I never had much self esteem in the way I look. Her and my Grandpa always would tell me how beautiful I was growing up, even in my ugly duckling stages. I thought to myself, how many time I had blown off their words and didn't believe them. Last night, all I could think is how much I need her to stay. Her words and support have always brought me such comfort. As I am growing older, I am realizing as people pass on, the less you are surrounded by that kind of lavishing love. Anyways, I didn't want to leave and I just wanted to crawl in bed beside her and watch old reruns while talking about the latest, but they wouldn't let me. So today I waited to hear if she is doing better. My Mom called to let me know that they are going to place a PIC line, as all her veins in her arms are shot. She is also getting a blood transfusion today as she is anemic. Please pray this would all go smoothly. If she does well, they might be able to move her to a different floor which means, she'd be doing much better. I believe in the power of prayer. I know some might say, G-d will do what He will do, but it says "..with prayer and petition..." I have seen so many miracles happen after mass amounts of people began to pray. Bubbe is so loved and the kids adore her, in fact anyone who meets her does. Isaiah really wants to go and see her, he said he could make her all better. She loves the visits and I know they are what keep her going. My Mom loved having us up there as well. She looked drained, yet grateful. Seth and I have been talking about how he used to get a Christmas bonus and how much he missed being able to buy everyone he loved a gift. I found myself reminding him that we have so much to be grateful for and that everyone knows how much we love and appreciate them. Gifts are nice, but time is better. We are so blessed to have such a loving family and friends, he still has a job, our kids are great, and we have a nice warm home. I'd rather spend time with our loved ones and be thankful for those memories that another trinket (although with kids they just want the gifts, but that's a kid thing). I told him our time will come, but until then we just need to give the gift of love. Plus, even the kids like toys, but it's the attention they thrive on. Please forgive us for not sending out holiday cards, I kept on meaning to, but it just never happened. Hopefully one of these years we'll get to it. In the meantime, thank you for all your support and prayers. Dear friends and family, I may complain and worry a lot, but my love for you is endless. Know that I care and love you all so much. You mean so much to me. May the Lord bless you and I'll keep you posted!

Prayers, Questions, and Answers

There is so much going on, that I almost don't know where to begin. Most important things first, our Bubbe (My Mom's mother, my grandma) and her health. Almost a couple of weeks now, she was having trouble breathing at home and was gasping for air. They called the rescue squad and had her taken in where they admitted her and then later took her to CCU (Critical Care Unit) or what I am used to calling it, ICU. Her health is a balancing act. Any of you who have dealt with someone being seriously ill knows, how delicate and balanced your body really needs to be. If she has to much fluid, it puts pressure on her heart and not enough, dehydrates her and so on... She was doing better a few days ago. She's been off and on a kind of CPAP machine that goes in the mouth to give her a break. Lately, she has been going into respiratory distress. This is really putting a huge strain on her body. She has been in pain and is scared. My Mom is very protective of her. My grandfather (who was AWESOME) passed away 9 years ago in March. While my Mom's only sibling, passed away around 13 years ago. So it's just my Mom and Bubbe that are left from their original family. My Bubbe has always been great. I don't think she's ever had one enemy in her entire life. She is always wondering how everyone is doing and even when she isn't smiling, she still is. I used to call her and tell her all my problems and when we'd visit, we'd stay up late and watch The Golden Girls together. When Eli was alive, she threw her whole self into loving him. He knew it too. We rarely talk on the phone anymore, since it's so hard for her to hear. When we go and visit, she just lights up. She loves the kids and has been trying hard to get Aria to play with a doll that she has had for over 50 years. This doll was something I had wanted to play with as a child, but never was allowed to. But Aria is allowed, how is that fair, LOL! I am worried. I know that she can't live forever, but my Mom will be lost with out her. We just need more time to make more memories. Bubbe loves everything and appreciates every second, to the fullest. She's been scared and I hate to know that she's scared. We've been sick and not allowed to come down. Today I am thinking I am just going to go down anyways. I'll just be sure to gown up and put a mask on. Please pray that she gets better, we just aren't ready yet. I know it's G-d's time, but I am praying He'll give us some more. Please pray for my Mom, she has had the Flu HIB (she just found out yesterday) while all this has been going on. Instead of being at home, sick as a dog, she has been up with my Bubbe. It's been a nightmare and I know she is drained beyond belief. She doesn't even have a cot to sleep on, instead she has been sleeping in a chair. Except for my dad coming in for a couple of hours, she has been the only one there with her. I want so much to help, as I remember what it is like being in the ICU and it's very hard to be alone and so worried not knowing what will happen next. So please pray for a miraculous recovery.

On to some not so important news. I have Seth's permission to post my next bit of news. On Thursday he is going in to get clipped (if you know what I mean). We have scheduled this appt. several times, but it seems to keep on getting put off by other things. After much discussion we have decided it's time. We have been through so much and have 4 beautiful children. We really want to be able to give our kids the attention that they need and financially be able to provide for them. It's a hard decision. We've spent so many years trying to have kids, that I almost don't know how not to! Seth is 110% ready, me, I am about 95%. It's hard when you have so many issues going on and then seeing other people getting pregnant with such ease. I found it difficult to be happy for others, when we wanted kids so badly and couldn't. Now, I don't have that envy bug and I can be totally happy for people when they do get pregnant. I love that! Since meeting Seth, I have wanted a larger family. We kind of do, but to most on lookers we have 2 kids. I feel so blessed to have the ones I do. Seth has said if we really want more later, we can look into adoption. I love the idea, as there are so many kids out there who have no one to love on them. The only thing I worry about is how to financially come up with the money to adopt. But if G-d wants us to do it, He'll make a way. So for now, it looks like the chapter in our life of having kids, will be over. Every ending has a new beginning. I must admit, there is a part of me that is a little sad. I loved being pregnant. There is so much more than that, but that's the shortened version. I think I am still trying to convince myself, maybe it's just a woman thing to never feel done???

Isaiah is home for winter break. Aria has not been liking him intruding on our usual routine. One minute they are best buds and then the next, they turn into territorial animals! They both are excited about Christmas. Isaiah has really been so interested in the bible and Jesus. Seth actually caught footage of Isaiah holding a glass of water and a carrot while saying "this is my blood spilled for you..., and this is my body...." Yep, he was preforming communion. I really don't know whether to laugh or be horrified. He asks tons of questions and seems to soak everything up into that sponge, called brain, of his. No, he doesn't think he is Jesus, in case you are wondering. Aria has been waking up almost every night. I think she has been having nightmares. I pull her into bed with us for about an hour and immediately as soon as she is in my arms, she goes to sleep. She is reading everything! But still loves Maisy. I tried ordering a movie on line and got ripped off royally. The one time I didn't check to see if it was legit and wham! We had to cancel our credit card and it has put a damper on Christmas. Oh well, Christmas isn't about gifts anyways. Would you believe that they sent me an email today say it was coming with a false tracking #? The nerve!! I don't know how they sleep at night? Seth is still working and we are praying that business picks up. We are still contemplating starting a business, but realize how much of a gamble it really is. So we have to pray some more. There was more I had to say, but my mind is blanking out. I haven't been sleeping well and it seems to really be affecting my memory. If anything of what I say doesn't make sense, now you know why!

I am still looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. I am praying for a year of happy endless possibilities. G-d has really opened our eyes to so many things, I can't say I understand it all, but I am grateful. I am praying for a year of joy, peace, and happiness. Aw nuts, the kids are at it again, I'll update soon....

Please continue to keep the Quist family in your prayers!

Music and Cookies

For those of you who wonder why I notify of my postings on facebook, I do this because some of my readers have had a hard time signing up to receive my posts. They appreciate the easy access, and I appreciate simplicity myself. Anyways, on to my post. After having a long talk with a wonderful friend, she helped me right out of my rut. Since then, Seth and I have been devoting much of our time to doing things we regularly put off. It's so easy to just work on the house and do chores and before you know it, the night is late and we didn't achieve what we set out to do. One of the things that Seth really has wanted to do, is play his cello for Aurora and Elijah at the Mausoleum. The whole place is pretty much done in marble, so voices and instruments carry through the whole building. He was blessed enough to have a friend of his, loan Seth his daughter's cello. Seth hasn't played in over 7 years (except for a couple of minutes when he first got the cello) so he was a nervous wreck. He was so worried he wouldn't remember how to play. We also went out there to hang their stockings complete with 2 stuffed animals. Originally, we wanted Aria and Isaiah to be with us, but figured they wouldn't have the patience to wait around. Thankfully, we made the right choice. It was pretty cold since they must have lowered the heat and had most of the lights turned off. It was pretty late at night, so it was very dark. Seth and I were the only ones in the building (we have keys) and off we went. Seth began to play by ear, since he had no sheet music. I noticed the song right away, "Sunshine." I immediately started to tear up, and was surprised at how emotional I was. The music flowed through the entire building with such a beauty, I can't barely describe. He played pretty well for someone who hasn't played in so long. He then asked me to sing (gulp) and I did, because it was for the kids. We had thought we'd only be there for a few minutes, which turned out to be almost a full hour. We sang all of the songs we used to sing to Eli while he was alive and also ones that I sang while Aurora was still with us. It probably sounded like a train wreck, but we had so much fun, that we lost track of time. It felt so healing. I almost felt like Eli and Rory were there saying "We're here!! You didn't forget all our songs. Thank you!!" I could almost imagine Aurora dancing in a beautiful ball gown, while Eli still being a baby and seeing him staring up at me with his big ole soulful blue eyes. I am hoping to find Seth his own cello (cheaply) as he came alive while playing and I loved hearing him play. The cello has such a beautiful sound, mmm, I loved it. I can't wait till the kids are older and they'll be able to join along. We have several other friends whose children would now be 18, they still get the whole family together on the special dates and do the same thing. One family in particular, on their daughter's birthday, go out and get a Christmas tree, even after all these years. All the kids participate and some are even adults now. I have been trying to keep on top of the house work and grocery shopping so that we can have one true day of rest. Yesterday we ended up reading books from the library (close to 40) to the kids, for what seemed like hours. Then we finally made cookies. I admit, I am no baker. I really don't like it. But after years of having the excuse of all the carpeting everywhere, and now that isn't the case, we did it. Isaiah LOVED it. He was so eager to help. Aria jibber jabbered and ran around and finally helped out with cutouts as well. But Isaiah, he was just so excited. Thankfully Seth loves this stuff, so I helped a little bit, but then took lots of pictures. What we didn't know is not to place the cookies so close together. We basically ended up with 2 giant cookies. It was actually pretty funny. Thankfully, the kids could have cared less. They just knew they ended up with a sugary reward, something we rarely have. Another thing I have been committing to is cooking. Lately, I have been determined to master the crock pot. The crock pot has been the bane of my existence. Yes, to all of you who say it is easy, not such for me. The kids doctor said she even bought a cook book just for the crock and not one recipe had really turned out, so I felt a little bit better. Yesterday I had a small victory! I did manage to make a kick booty chili yesterday. I was so proud, you'd have thought I went out and hunted the meat and grew the beans myself! Tomorrow, a pot roast! Will it turn out? I have no clue, but I am hoping. Feel free to send advice as I'd like to work out. Seth was bummed that the snow storm didn't pummel us. He actually went out to start our snow blower, just to be ready. He is like a little kid when it comes to snow. He and Isaiah get all giddy anytime the forecast calls for it. Me, I'd rather be in Hawaii. Aria is fully into playing dress up. For two days straight, she wanted to wear her astronaut uniform. She only has that and a tutu, so I am hoping for Christmas she'll get a couple more costumes. Isaiah has taught me more about killer whales than I could have imagined. Did you know a killer whale is actually a dolphin? He also had to find out the sad truth that whales and seals are not friends. He was devastated to kind out seals are their favorite snack. Then we had to explain that we are omnivores and we eat meat too. This was not a subject he cared to recognize. Every year around this time, I can't help but feel so grateful that we had our home weatherized. I remember the first year we lived here, since there was no insulation, you could feel a breeze in the house. Now, I feel snug as a bug in rug. There is so much more I have to say (imagine that!) but Aria is beckoning me. Please drive safely and I'll update soon! Ah nuts, I think we are coming down with colds, grrrr. Green tea and echinacea, here I come!!!

A new day

So the last few postings have been a bit down. I have been praying constantly to G-d little breath prayers (as that was all about that I could muster) to get me through. Thankfully He answered in ways that were tangible for me. When I get depressed it's so hard to do listening prayers. Patience has never really been something that I have excelled in, so when I am down, it really seems to be non-existent. Thankfully, our Lord created me and knows that full well. I have to give myself the grace that He gives to me, not to be anything but who He made me to be. I am also a person who thrives on relationships and communication. I'm kind of like a puppy, always eager to please and excited when attention is payed. Yet easily devastated if ignored, but quick to forgive! I have had so many people step in and give me the encouragement I really needed. If you were one of those people, I can't thank you enough! I had a dear friend of mine say a couple of weeks to me, if you don't reach out and put yourself out there for help, no one knows you need it. So, again pride seems to rear it's ugly head as I tried to not ask, as I am afraid I will look like a basket case. So I have been battling against the devil's evil whispers lately and remind myself they are just lies. G-d has sent out my loved ones in my life to remind me of this and I am SO grateful. I am learning the devil likes to put out these old lies and have them penetrate my soul when I thought I'd finally conquered them once and for all. I can't believe I so easily fall for it, it's so annoying! I guess it will be a life long battle that I am going to have to be conscious of. At my retreat they talked a lot about how the devil and negative thoughts really go hand in hand. It's easy to believe that he doesn't exist, as it seems less intimidating, when in reality, the devil is a real and he is still a jerk. Thankfully G-d is a million times more powerful and I have to rest in that. This morning I woke up to the chatter of my kids voices on the monitors. Both of them smothered me in hugs and eager anticipation of telling me their latest finds around the house. Aria has now taken to wearing her tutu over her clothes every day. She twirls around the house while singing any song that is on her mind. She calls my name a million times, awaiting my response of calling her name and then she leaps into my arms followed my a "mmm Mommy!" Lately her and I have been butting heads. She has entered into what I'd like to call the "trying two's." She desperately wants my attention and when I don't give it, she follows me around the house whining this ear deafening pitch (what little hearing I have, I'd like to keep!). All the while to be followed by a throw to the ground while whacking her head on the laminate floors. At first, I felt terrible. Now, I just walk away as she howls from her self inflicted pain. My instinct is still to want to check her out, but if I do, she just does it more. [I guess I just changed the font and I have no idea how to change it back, oh well] Needless to say, the whining is quite grating on the nerves and has at points brought me to points of insanity!! The funny thing is, she still craves any time with me. If I go upstairs for 5 minutes even, she'll run into my arms and call out to me as if I had been gone fore years. Little stinker. Reading has become a big passion for both of them. Today I picked out a book with more sentences in it to see how much she could read. She did really well, and even read the word trampoline! I still love dressing her, as she loves anything with rainbows and pink in it. She has even gone so far as to pick out her own clothes. Ahh, my little fashionista. Isaiah is still full speed ahead with whales, dolphins, and sharks. He rarely speaks of space and has said he wants to be a marine biologist (at least he's not trying to leave the planet anymore!). He spends most of his time trying to lure Aria under his covers to pretend that they are in the ocean swimming with whales. His imagination has grown exponentially! A year ago, he only engaged in factual play. Now I hear him making up songs, voices for animals, and all sorts of imaginary play. He loves to run around (something else he used to hardly do) and drag Aria with him as they giggle and play. Normally most of this is followed by some type of fighting, but I guess that is typical sibling interaction. Isaiah and Aria have taken a huge interest in the bible. Mainly Isaiah totes around his bible and when he has down time, I find him reading it followed by questions that are even hard for me to put in words. Today Isaiah asked me who the Holy Spirit is! So I explained in the best way I could, thankfully he was good with that. I almost think if he'd been living back in the day of Jesus, he'd have been following him to the Temple to question everyone. I love his thirst for knowledge, yet his heart to play with kids. Being a stay at home Mom has presented challenges I never knew existed, but at the the same time, it is so rewarding. The hardest part is when your kids see you have a bad day. We try to not hide our emotions to a point, as we want them to see that we have feelings too. Yet, you don't want to scare them so much that they feel unstable. There are so many areas of gray. Another funny thing is the reputation my kids have gotten for being so polite. When I sneeze, they both are eager to say "G-d bless you!" I say "thank you" only to hear them respond "your welcome!" without missing a beat. Sometimes when you live with the politeness police you'll also get busted for having your elbows on the table or not excusing yourself from the table, so Seth and I have had to really watch ourselves as those little eyes seem to be on the look out. Seth is still as wonderful as ever. The poor man has the memory of swiss cheese, but he means well. As always he is working hard and has to be about the best Dad I have ever seen. I still can't believe he chose me as his wife! Here I have gained weight and gotten grouchy and he still thinks I am a rose. What a sweetie! He has been after me to put up Aurora and Eli's stockings up at the mausoleum. It's always extra hard for me around the holidays to go out there. It's hard to believe time is still moving without them here. I just saw a clip with Elizabeth Edwards referring to death. She has been preparing her children for her death for a while and of course they had their eldest son die years ago. She said something to the effect of, don't be afraid to speak of those who passed on. Bringing up the person doesn't remind them that they are gone, as we already know that. Instead it reminds us that they lived. I loved that. She said it much better. For us, losing our children, it never goes away. They are always thought of a missed. Every time I hear of another family whose child is ill or has passed, it takes me right back. While the wound has now closed up, there is always a scar. If you lose your arm, you always miss it, but you learn to live without it. When we go to "visit the kids" we still sing to them, Seth is going to be playing his cello, and Aria and Isaiah always run to their spot and know exactly where we are. I am thankful that they love their two siblings they have never met. There isn't sadness, just joy that their brother and sister are in Heaven and one day they'll meet again. To have a child's heart again, boy, I miss the innocence. I don't know where I am going with all of this. My sensitive heart just needed a place to speak and I guess writing is where it is at. I have decided to try and blog several times a week if not more. It helps me stay grounded. Where David sang and wrote his Psalms, I have my blog. I would still greatly appreciate your prayers. Around the holidays, I tend to be more emotional. Ah heck, I guess I always am:) So for today, I feel a bit more level, which feels great. I am sure I must be speaking gobbly gook, but just bear with me. Tonight we are having a little Hanukkah party, just with our little family. The kids eat it up and have learned several songs. Isaiah has almost memorized the blessing in Hebrew. Then it is on to Christmas after that. I love having so many special days to celebrate. It makes the winter seem less, bleck (I am not a winter person) We have his gymnastics tomorrow one last time with his old class. I am praying his coach will be able to keep it together for one last time. Well, Aria is vying for my attention. Until I write again...

Update

I thought I'd update as to what happened with the coach for Isaiah's gymnastics. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, was I going to be to forward or turn into a sobbing mess? Thankfully G-d seemed to take hold as I calmly explained what I thought about the whole situation. I am a big believer in not bailing your child out for every little thing. I feel they need to learn how to problem solve, to a point. Without me saying a whole lot, she informed me his coach is 15 or 16! Not only that, but she is trying to coach 8-10 4 year old children. Basically she had heard of how this girl was handling Isaiah and wasn't happy about it either. I decided I didn't need to go into details and I want to keep communication open and not have this be about attacking, because let's face it, we all make mistakes. We are now going to try another night with an older coach who is more experienced and the class has only two other children. Hopefully this will be less stimulation for Isaiah, and help him focus more on the task at hand. So if you could pray that this would turn out as his doctor really emphasized the importance in him being involved in extracurricular activities, especially with exercise and controlling coordination. This is hugely important from the social, learning, and physical aspects for him, all rolled into one. Plus, Isaiah loves it! He gets so excited and actually this is where we taught him the days of the week so that he knew what day was gymnastics. He learned it in less than 5 minutes, talk about motivation! I am really hoping his new coach will have more compassion and still be authoritative enough to teach, as we don't believe in coddling. I felt a little bit of relief and happily called Seth. Only to find out that at Isaiah's ophthalmologist appt. that Isaiah needs new lenses and frames. Sigh. At first I was pretty upset, as glasses are pretty expensive. Especially for Isaiah, he has a high prescription, with a larger head and a tiny nose. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but trust me, finding frames has been a pain. The one's he has now he has actually done pretty well with, that is until a little play buddy punched him square in the glasses. Not to mention, lovely little sister likes to snatch them off his face and bend them back and forth. Why Isaiah let he do it? I'll never know. Now for the bright side of all this, his vision is improving dramatically. He really needs them to correct his lazy eye and they are going to weaken his prescription to make his eyes work a little less. I guess it's a technique. So that is promising, but it wasn't something I had anticipated dealing with. Please pray Seth would continue to get overtime. His boss has been kind of venting to him that they have the work, but their customers aren't paying. So if you could pray that they'd start paying. I know it sounds simplistic, but this really makes a huge difference in the payroll we so desperately depend on. As for me, I took a hit to my soul. I won't go into detail, but it really knocked me off my path and has sent me into a downward spiral. It's amazing how much words can really hurt. You know the old "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me?" Yeah, not true. I can handle physical pain, but it's the emotional that takes me down. Thankfully I have my G-d, who I know is there, even if I don't feel Him right now. I have lovely people in my life, especially my ever wonderful husband. Seth saw me yesterday, pretty much a puddle on the floor. He came and sat with me and just loved on me. He's so sweet. G-d really knew what He was doing when He paired us together. I just cried while he whispered reassuring words trying to rebuild my confidence. He also reminded me how therapeutic writing is for me. So, I have decided to not only not quit, but write more. Things are tough, but I am still going fix my eyes on the one who created me. I know there are so many other more important things to pray for, but if you could pray, it'd really help. In case you are going through some valleys yourself, here is a song I have been listening to that is big encouragement. Sometimes music has a way of touching me in way that I just can't explain. All your feedback has been so helpful, please continue:)



Copy and paste up in the http. area
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvHMjILrSJ0&feature=related

Argh!

Lately I have been wondering how much longer I should keep on blogging. Ever since the carepages, it has been my way of communicating and also venting. It's been kind of hard to keep up with it and sometimes I wonder if I am even that interesting anymore. With Elijah, there was so much to say, everything was critical and vital to relay. After he died, there was the grief to convey for my own sanity sake. Then, being pregnant with Isaiah and Aria, well there was so much happening. Now, I feel like just a boring ole housewife. Of course, there is my ever long struggle with my faith and finding my place in this world. With kids, there is always something to say, but you wonder if it is interesting to others. With Isaiah, he has come so far in the last year. We are mainstreaming him as much as possible, but it is overwhelming. Our state, just rejected passing a bill for insurances to have to help pay for therapy for kids on the Autistic spectrum. I can't explain to you how frustrating this is. Because my child isn't in a life threatening state, they won't help? What they don't realize is how detrimental it is for these kids to get their therapies, especially the earlier the better. By not giving them the therapy is literally the difference between them being mainstreamed and living a "normal" life or living at home with their parents or in a group home. I bet if there kids had it, they'd be doing everything they could. Parents are going bankrupt in giving their kids therapy. Seth has been working huge amounts of overtime so that we can pay our bills. It looks like it is slowing down. But since insurance barely pays anything (and they are revising it in January to do almost nothing!) we have had debt rack up, incredibly quickly. It's overwhelming. Isaiah has needed several visits in the last few weeks and is set up for a couple more before the end of the year. We are getting great feedback from his doctor, but it is important to keep up on his therapies. Without it, it sets us back. But now that our credit card is almost maxed out and Seth's work is slowing and now the bill not being passed, I am livid! I shouldn't have to choose between therapy and paying the bills! He deserves a great life too! I have applied for several jobs, but with Seth's nutsy hours, nothing has worked out. With Eli, we were blessed to have Children's Special Health Care, but since this is considered "Mental" (I hate that word!) he doesn't qualify. On top of that we have had him in gymnastics. Isaiah loves it, but his coach (who is a teenager) treats him like he is disgusting. Seth and I have stepped back, as we have been trying to observe and not over react. I just can't believe that they run a program like this and treat him so poorly in front of the other kids. We have even noticed Isaiah does more than what the other kids do, but it's just the transition of it all, that he gets stuck on. It breaks my heart. I have actually cried quite a bit over it, as he is just the sweetest little guy. It's been bad enough that some of his little play buddies conveniently dropped out of the picture when he got his diagnosis (he is still the same kid he was before the diagnosis, if not better!) but now a coach!! Someone we pay to trust and educate him! She huffs and puffs and snaps at him for every little thing. I've noticed some of the other parents have seen it too (without us saying anything) it just hurts. I know that kids will always have their struggles, but this is something that can be helped. Seth and I are constantly coaching him and he really responds! It makes me appreciate our family and friends who love him and us, just the way we are, that much more. I have no idea what to say to the manager as she called to discuss this. I have been praying for G-d to show me what to say. I am just feeling so overwhelmed. All the progress I have made in the past few months feels like it is slipping through my fingers. I feel like I have been fighting for so long, the kids passing away, finances, Isaiah's diagnosis and therapies, Aria has now hit a stage where she whines A LOT! I am just tired. Anyways, I just need to vent. Boy, I didn't even know I was going to write this! I know things could always be worse, Lord knows we have been there. I know G-d will make a way and this will all make me stronger. I just have to dust myself off and keep on trying. I am blessed for having a loving family and friends. I just have to keep on pushing on. Please pray for me as I am feeling like I am losing it! Things have got to get better, right?