Nothing like a crazy night to make me do a blog post. It's actually been a crazy week, hmmm more like the last few months. Well, let's just start with last night. Seth and I have been going to bed much later than we should be lately. Have you ever noticed that there is something about the night time when kids issues arise?
I haven't been sleeping well lately. Actually, I dread going to bed. I have been having some issues, so I tend to lollygag through the night as long as I can. It doesn't help that I am a night owl, so it's when I do my best hooting! I finally fell asleep for what felt like a few minutes only to find that Seth was nowhere to be found. I can't hear without my hearing aids (yes, I sound like I am 80) so I was a bit puzzled. I looked out in the hall and the lights were on. My first thought was "I told him not to let the kids eat at Culver's." Don't get me wrong, it is one of my restaurants that I really crave and miss quite a bit. The only thing is we are realizing that Isaiah doesn't do well with fast food, burger's (although like his Mama, we love/miss them), and some other stuff. He has gotten sick off of them quickly, so I admittedly was a bit miffed when Seth let the cat out of the bag that he had take them because they so asked (more like Daddy told them to ask).
So I headed down the stairs and was stumbling dreading to see a bucket, and well you get where I am heading with this. Instead both of the boys were on the couch. I looked at I. and he just burst into tears, his face was red, and then he started to bark and wheeze. All of the sudden I was fully alert and wanted a full report. Seth just looked at me and said, "they told me to call 911." Say what? He calmly went over the details, but all the while Isaiah is just beside himself (and rightfully so). Once we both realized his asthma was in play, we swung into action. For some reason, when little dude is sick, I am the only one who can get through. So, I calmly had him step outside with me so that we could "count cars." He sweetly put on his bathrobe and slippers and followed me outside. All the while Seth is preparing a nebulizer treatment and but for some reason I. became so afraid of it. I still don't know why. He's done it for years, so we had to reason with him about the importance of breathing all the while trying to stay calm and making up back up plans in case he refused. Believe me, Mama Bear will do anything to keep her little cubs safe. If the doctor says you need the medicine, you will get the medicine. Thankfully he and I have an unspoken bond that truly reveals itself when all hooty hoo breaks out. Between his flare up of asthma and my flare up of my stomach, today has not been one to really desire.
In my funky mood, I have been blessed to be reminded of how thankful I am for the good times and oddly enough, the bad. As hard as it was watching little dude go through all of that, I was beyond thankful that he was okay. I was thankful that G-d gave us the wisdom we needed at just the right moment to help him through. It wasn't just a coincidence that I woke up when I did, it wasn't the universe that allowed Isaiah another day, it was the power of G-d.
As hard as it is for me to admit this, I am thankful I have gotten sick. I know you are probably thinking I finally flew the coop. Really, as much as this stinks and I have pity parties for myself every now and again, I am learning. I am a stubborn woman and it takes a lot for me to really see what I need to see. While I know this isn't what G-d wants for me, He WILL make good out of it.
Since being sick, I have been able to appreciate the Lord in a whole new way. I look forward to seeing what new thing is being done. I look forward to ordinary miracles, like waking up! I have been reminded how sacred our time is here. I tell people I love them almost 98% more than I ever did. I LOVE being with people. I tell you, I cannot get enough. When I can't be somewhere, I actually cry when I miss out, before I didn't mind at all. We finally started to paint the inside of our house!! 6 1/2 years people, we have lived here and only one room was painted. In less than a month we have 4 rooms painted and they are all in bright colors!! I may not be able to be outside much, but to bring the color into our home has brought life into my soul!
It really feels like we are in the Wizard of Oz movie, we are moving from black and white to full on color! I am learning to embrace what I like and not what others tell me I should like. For so long I feel like I have lost who I was and now I feel like I am just getting a glimpse of who G-d wants me to be, better yet, who He sees me as.
In me getting sick, Isaiah seems to have really embraced his identity in Christ. Last year, when I got baptized, he so badly wanted to also. We thought he just wanted to play in the pool, but it was so far from truth. In the last year he has repeatedly asked us when he could be baptized. We asked him why, and he said "I want to be born again. I want to die to myself and become like Jesus." What?! He went into more detail than that and we were blown away. His motives were more pure than mine when I got baptized. On April 13th, exactly one year and one day after my baptism, he joyfully got baptized.
Truly that day, I wasn't sure I was going to even be able to make it. When I realized how weak I was feeling I tried to sway him to postponing it, but he would not waver. He just looked at me through his glasses with those big ole green eyes and said "Mama, I am getting baptized today on April 13th." That was it, he went and G-d gave me the strength and a huge support system of friends and family to get me there. When we approached the church my legs were rubbery and I wasn't sure I'd even be able to make it to the sanctuary. One of my dear friend's helped me in and when I was saw all of the blue shirts walking by, I found myself searching for him. There shirts said, "I have decided," and my eyes filled tears. I finally spotted Isaiah and called to him, I wanted him to know I actually made it. He saw me (without his glasses) and joyfully waved back. My heart felt so sad I couldn't go sit with him. Just then another one of my friend's said my name (she too was getting baptized) and she put her hand on his shoulder and my heart just soared! I knew she would be right with him and that he'd be just fine. It was perfect. Just when I thought my night couldn't get any better, I got to go up to the pool and actually stand by the pool. When Isaiah got to the top of the pool, waiting for his turn Aria started shouting "Brover, Brover (Brother)!!" Isaiah couldn't hear any of us calling his name, but he heard his sister. He immediately unplugged his nose and started waving as hard as his little arms could take him. Before we knew it, he was in the pool Proclaiming his faith! Not only did I get to watch him be baptized, but I also got to watch my friend get baptized as well, it was amazing!
As each day passes, I have my good and bad days. I have begun to notice on those bad days how G-d mysteriously has just the right people come into my life to help me along. I have so often cried out to Him, "Where are you? Can't you email me??? Call, knock, smack me upside the head??" I am just now realizing that all along he was sending people in just when I was crying, when I was down, when I was angry, when I felt all alone, He was and is there.
Eli's heavenly birthdate of 8 years came and went. We worked on a video montage for over 5 hours (it should have only taken about one). Seth and I were getting a bit frustrated when the Holy Spirit just open my eyes and my memories we had tucked away into the back of our memory. We got to hold Eli for a few minutes after he was born, that was it. It took 28 days before we were allowed hold him again. We had to be patient. He was a little over two months old before he got his first taste of real food/formula. I had pumped every day for a couple of months and he only got have one bottle. In that whole time he lived on IV fluids of D5. He was ALWAYS hungry. He would gnaw on that pacifier like it was a T bone steak. Due to not having any kidneys it is such a delicate balance of balancing his electrolytes like Potassium (it is deadly if it is too high, which he toed the line several times) BUN, Creatine, and bunch of other levels, so he could only use certain formula at only small amounts. The whole time back then it drove me crazy that he was so hungry. I had forgotten. His whole life he was hungry and gave me a whole level of understanding for what he went through. So, I am thankful that the program wasn't working as it gave me time to reflect on areas that I needed to remember. I am thankful that I can eat my cream of wheat, it was more than he ever had.
I am so thankful that I have hearing aides to help me hear. I am thankful that I have friends that want to visit with me, even in my jammies. I am thankful that my Hubby likes to cook for me. I am thankful that my kids still think I am the best Mom in the whole world. I am thankful that as flood waters were rising all around town, our home stayed dry. I am thankful for the clean water that comes out of the faucet and toilets that flush. I am thankful for the lights that stay on when it's dark. Or the heater the heats when it is cold. I am thankful for the little birds that flit and flutter all around and some how hop on the teeny tiny bird legs (How do they hold up their body?) I am thankful for my G-d, that even though I don't understand His ways, He still rescues me even when I don't deserve it. I am thankful that He sent His son into the world to cover all of my rotten sins (and I have a lot of them!), and I am thankful for his Sprit, which comforts me when no one else can. I am thankful to be alive today. I am thankful that my son made it through the night and is right now reading his bible for fun! (Man, I didn't even start doing that until I was in my 20's). Even though my life is full of craziness, I am so blessed. I have G-d's amazing grace.
As we all go through life may I suggest a small reminder that can make all the difference in the world. "Weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice." We live in a world where we want to fix people with our words and be on with our lives. I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone and step into those that are around you and climb into the trenches and let them know that you care. It really does make all of the difference in someone's day. I can tell you that on some of my worst days I have had some amazing people come and sit with me and let me cry and it made me feel like I still mattered. So if someone you know just lost a loved one, maybe are dealing with marital issues or divorce, it could be a sickness especially a chronic one, or depression for no reason, your visit, your call could be the very thing they need to keep going one more day. It really does matter and I can tell you the gratitude is eternal.
Well, it's back to my life that is full of adventure I go. I am scheduled for Botox/EGD on Friday, so if you think about it please say a prayer. I am still trying to decide if we should go or not and if we do, we hope it only brings good things. May your eyes be opened to the amazing grace that is all around us.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Garment of Praise
Hmmmm, where to begin. This past month and a half, has been nothing but extraordinary. In January I found myself paralyzed by fear and feeling hopeless. I was speaking with someone when they said "You are no longer Kelly, you have become gastroparesis." The words cut deep and wounded me straight to my core. I was so upset and didn't really know how to process this. Part of the reason I love to blog is I can be my true self. The odd thing is, when I meet people I don't know in public, I turn into the shy little girl that used to hide behind my parents legs. I know, I know, me shy? Preposterous! Really, it is true. When I do get to know you, then of course I can't keep quiet to save my life. I also wear my heart on my sleeve. What you see is what you get. No games, no guessing, just me. So I think it's shocking to people to find out how sensitive I really am. You know the old adage, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me?" Yeah for me it's the opposite. You can break my bones, but it's the words that hurt deeply.
So when this person said this, I was horrified. I cried a bit, as I felt like such a failure. How did I let this get so bad? So I prayed. Before I got sick, I truly felt that G-d was with me. As soon as all of this happened, it felt as though He had departed. I know that isn't true, but He has been so silent. I have been in survival mode for such a long time that I fell out of my social circle and pretty much had become a hermit crab. I would look outside watching the families walking by, the old couple who pulls their dog in a radio flyer red wagon, the joggers passing by and long to have the energy, the drive, the ability to just step out. I rarely have been able to get out. But when I do, we drive by all the restaurants that would visit for a special treat and indulge to my hearts content. I find myself pressing up my face on the window like a child, yearning to go, yearning for a special place to indulge, to fellowship with loved ones, to eat with out fear. As we drive by, my super sniffer detects each scent of spices, meat, and oh yes, the ever coveted fried foods! Of course I find myself day dreaming of vegetable spreads galore, with broccoli cheese soup, a salad of any choosing (salad num num), chili, taco's, sweet and sour chicken with fried rice and a spring roll, oh my! For right now, it's not to be.
As much as I miss the food, what I miss most is people. The hard part is everything is so centered around food. No matter where you go, it's always there. Most would say, just push past it, but I have to say I have a lot more self control than I thought I ever had. I want to reply back, I will give you a list of what I eat. I challenge you to eat this every day for a whole month. While on this diet, I challenge you to go out to restaurants and see how you would respond. I think you might be quite surprised at your reaction. I don't mean this in a bad way, but truly to try and grasp what this is. I don't dare say it, as I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Truly I keep on trying to remind myself of the foods I can eat. I often think of my ancestors who complained even after G-d had given them manna and quail. I used to think, why weren't they more grateful? They were in the desert and freed from oppression for crying out loud! I have had much more time to review this scenario as I delve into the bible with fresh eyes. I can't help but really imagine what they felt and saw through out that time. How often do we find ourselves in bondage due to bad habits, addictions, and we stay there because it's all we know! While the idea of freedom in thrilling, sometimes the fear of the unknown chains us to wall. Lately I have found myself thinking about the story about Abraham and Isaac. It's all so simply said that he trusted G-d and took Isaac and placed him on the alter. What on earth was Sarah and Isaac thinking?! Did they trust Him? What kind of trust issues did they have with Abraham after it was over? Or how about thinking of that scenario taken place in modern times. There would have been a SWAT surrounding the area. Then I find myself thinking about Moses and the parting of the Red Sea, whapping a rock and water pouring out, the Pillar of Fire, and that wasn't even the half of it! Or Joshua and the battle of Jericho, Jonah, need I even go there?! Their faith is astounding! The stories are endless in the miracles that G-d provides and the proof of His existence. So often I found myself thinking, yeah but they are stories. I felt a nudge in my spirit that said, "These are your ancestors and this is actually what they went through. These are not tales, they are truth. Don't forget, cherish them, learn from them." I would encourage everyone to take place in a Passover Seder. It really can give you such a deep appreciation for what they went through. Especially for us Christians, Jesus was Jewish. He took part in these festivities and they were important to him. I see the parallels of the shadow of death passing over because of the lamb's shed blood, just as Jesus shed his blood for us and we are now protected when death passes over us. Really in reading the Old Testament there is so much that we have to learn in that miraculous time. That's another post in itself;) All I can say is, G-d is Amazing!
As I found myself asking for prayers less and less, I found my kids asking more questions. As I answered each question, I found myself asking "do I even believe this?" How could I forget after all that we saw with Aurora and Elijah? Well, I am human and G-d knows that we are forgetful and are minds are on what is seen and not unseen. So I asked Him to open my eyes to see what He is really doing, to make me see the good in all things instead of the grief and despair. I begged Him to bring me into a season of joy and dancing. A close friend of mine was talking about how she needed to be in the word more. I felt that same conviction in my heart and I knew it was where I needed to start.
I found myself in the book of Isaiah 61: 1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our G-d, comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of splendor.
I have felt for the last 10 years I have been in such a deep season of grief, mourning, and even despair. These words spoke volumes to me and really made me think, how do I get this? Praise, thankfulness, gratefulness. The very reason we named our son Elijah Praise, so that we would never forget our gratitude to G-d for his special little life. I feel as I go through each transition, another scale is lifted from my blinded eyes exposing beautiful lights of hope and truth. All of the sudden I have been able to see all the acts of kindness, all of the people that have reached out at just the right times, He has been there all along.
I am still hungry. I still deal with bouts of fear, but now I understand where they are coming from. What I am realizing is that I need to hunger for G-d the way that I hunger for real food. It cracks me up that the bible refers to love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, joy, goodness, and self control as fruit. I am literally trading worldly food for spiritual food! The irony!
For those of you who have been let down by people, by the people in your church, or hurt by religious people. Maybe you were abused, neglected, bullied, your family fell apart, maybe your child/spouse/parent/close friend died, maybe you can't have a child, maybe you are sick and you aren't getting any better, whatever the reason... I feel your pain, I know that I haven't walked your shoes, but I understand the pain of life. I found myself often angry at G-d and I have heard others that don't believe, that they will say I don't want to know a G-d that would allow those things to happen. What I am learning is that G-d is a just G-d. He is loving, kind, and faithful. He weeps with us when we weep. What satan does for evil, G-d changes for good. G-d is the G-d of hope and miracles. Even though things don't happen the ways that we want, they are for a greater good. Hard to swallow when it is you that is suffering or watching someone else suffer. Good over rides evil. Even though I daily, heck hourly battle the frustrations and the let downs of the way I thought my life should be. I can now step back and see all of the things that have gone right, that are beautiful and that give me hope to keep on going.
Right now I am battling a systemic infection that I have had for a while. I had no idea it was there, I had just assumed it was pain I had to live with. I seriously have been so sick this week that I could hardly eat, get out of bed, even breath. As I laid in bed struggling to slow my heart from beating so loud that the neighbors had to have heard, I cried out to G-d. I was reminded to ask others for prayers. Believe it or not, I have been struggling to ask for prayers. I figure I don't want to burden others and I don't want people to think I am drama. I remembered that faith is in the unseen, and lets face it, chronic illness is pretty well unseen. So I am going to keep on asking for those prayers for healing whether I am healed in the next week, month, year, decade, heck my whole life. I believe that He hears our prayers. Prayers have truly become part of my "food." Words of encouragement give me hope to keep on moving. There is so much power in our words, in our prayers, and in our love for others. I have been so blessed to have so many reach out and show me love. These people with never know the magnitude of gratitude that lies within my heart. I am thankful that as I open my heart to be vulnerable and share of my pain, there are those who are not afraid to reach out and hold my hand. It makes me want to love better.
For those of you who have been praying for me with this latest infection that was spreading throughout my body, your prayers were not in vain. I actually took a new med and for the first time in a while, minimal side effects! I am so thankful as I am starting feel like I can walk around without being in a tremendous amount of pain. Thank you for your words of encouragement and your prayers. I keep on seeing the phrase "love one another." Truly my heart is filled with so much love that I just want to hug everyone!
My prayer for this year is to be healed, but also to put on the crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. I can now truly look back at Elijah and Aurora with joy, and look forward to the day when our family will be made whole. I am ready to leave behind the grief, despair, the why's, and the should have's. I pray that I can just be grateful for what was no matter how hard it was, as those hard times have and are shaping me into the person I am now and I am going to be. The book of James has given me the peace of mind to just live in the present and not worry about a 5 year plan, or even what is going to happen tomorrow. What good does planning do? It just causes worry and expectations that can cause disappointment. So today I am here. I am battered and worn, but I am still here!
With that I will leave you with some things that have brought joy to our home this week. We had some blecky weather, so Isaiah had recess in the gym. Seth was speaking with his principal about how Isaiah was adjusting being back at school. I guess Isaiah had a bunch of the 4th grade girls surrounding him as he asked for sheets of paper to write out all the books of the bible to create a Bible Challenge. Isaiah loves watching the bible trivia show on Sundays and seriously gets almost every single answer correct! I told Seth we should just send him to seminary already. There was more to it than that, but I just cracked up! Seth checked out the Action Bible from the library and Isaiah reads it ALL of the time! He loves to quiz us all through out the night! He is truly a little prophet. Last night he asked me if we could write some prayers out and send them to G-d. He seems eager to love G-d and really his drive has been so inspiring. Aria lately has had a fascination with flowers. I used to work in a floral shop and she said she wants to be a "flower artist." It was one of my most favorite jobs that I had ever worked at. She is fully of witty sayings. She likes to call me "My Dear." She would live at school if she could and she is happy to have been reunited with her best friend at school. They both pray for my tummy every night and ask when the day that I will be healed will be. I just keep on reminding them that their prayers are special to G-d as little children are so pure in faith. They inspire me with each giggle, silly joke, and hug. I feel honored to do their hair, fold up their little clothes, read stories as their eyes get wide with excitement. As hard as it is to have them see me go through this, I am thankful they are here. They give me reason to try hard each day to get up and get going. I don't think they will ever know what special gifts they really are. Seth has been hard at work trying to balance it all. He recently has joined a men's bible study that he is eager to go to each week. I am happy that he has a place that he can just relax and be with some testosterone! Still, he is my best friend. He has had to help me up a lot this week, it reminds me of last year when I was on death's door. As broken as I feel, he reminds me that he loves me and thinks I am so beautiful. He truly is my prince charming. I myself have been thankful for some very dear friends that G-d has blessed us with. They have been walking by our sides, encouraging us, and truly have shown us love. I myself have been able to join a bible study. While I go and have been so nervous that I make a Chihuahua look calm, they have been so loving and supportive. I found myself belching due to my food getting stuck, so I had to pace back and forth (to get the food to move) and while I felt a bit self conscious a couple of them came up and gave me a hug and didn't flinch. While I only know a few of the ladies, I am so excited to get to know then more. I have to say one last funny thing. Isaiah prayed this beautiful eloquent prayer and it was Aria's turn. She talks like Brittany the chipmunk so sometimes her voice just goes higher and higher. So Aria says, "Dear G-d, I pray for all of the gassy people to not be so gassy....." She said some more but I wasn't sure if I heard her right with my hearing issues and all. So when I looked at Seth he was stifling a laugh, I asked him what she had said and sure enough, she said gassy! We just laughed and laughed. It's been good to laugh, I've missed being silly. I feel as though G-d is making me new, that the old is passing away, I'm excited.
So with that I will end with asking for prayers. Please, never underestimate the power of prayer. I am asking for prayers for Seth as he has his hands full. The man is tuckered out and really needs to be able to relax. For Isaiah, we are still struggling with asthma and he is having some issues with being bullied at school (the school is getting involved) he has such a tender heart and doesn't understand why. Aria has been having some tonsil issues, so not sure what to do about that. For me, healing, peace, joy, and wisdom. Also, to be able to put of the spirit of despair and to fully put on the garment of praise and dance!
My cousin just reminded me of this song and I have heard it a hundred times but never listened to the words. It really hit home, it expresses how I feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sijWd80MNOQ
May you all be blessed, thank you for caring about our family. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed!
His love endures forever!
So when this person said this, I was horrified. I cried a bit, as I felt like such a failure. How did I let this get so bad? So I prayed. Before I got sick, I truly felt that G-d was with me. As soon as all of this happened, it felt as though He had departed. I know that isn't true, but He has been so silent. I have been in survival mode for such a long time that I fell out of my social circle and pretty much had become a hermit crab. I would look outside watching the families walking by, the old couple who pulls their dog in a radio flyer red wagon, the joggers passing by and long to have the energy, the drive, the ability to just step out. I rarely have been able to get out. But when I do, we drive by all the restaurants that would visit for a special treat and indulge to my hearts content. I find myself pressing up my face on the window like a child, yearning to go, yearning for a special place to indulge, to fellowship with loved ones, to eat with out fear. As we drive by, my super sniffer detects each scent of spices, meat, and oh yes, the ever coveted fried foods! Of course I find myself day dreaming of vegetable spreads galore, with broccoli cheese soup, a salad of any choosing (salad num num), chili, taco's, sweet and sour chicken with fried rice and a spring roll, oh my! For right now, it's not to be.
As much as I miss the food, what I miss most is people. The hard part is everything is so centered around food. No matter where you go, it's always there. Most would say, just push past it, but I have to say I have a lot more self control than I thought I ever had. I want to reply back, I will give you a list of what I eat. I challenge you to eat this every day for a whole month. While on this diet, I challenge you to go out to restaurants and see how you would respond. I think you might be quite surprised at your reaction. I don't mean this in a bad way, but truly to try and grasp what this is. I don't dare say it, as I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Truly I keep on trying to remind myself of the foods I can eat. I often think of my ancestors who complained even after G-d had given them manna and quail. I used to think, why weren't they more grateful? They were in the desert and freed from oppression for crying out loud! I have had much more time to review this scenario as I delve into the bible with fresh eyes. I can't help but really imagine what they felt and saw through out that time. How often do we find ourselves in bondage due to bad habits, addictions, and we stay there because it's all we know! While the idea of freedom in thrilling, sometimes the fear of the unknown chains us to wall. Lately I have found myself thinking about the story about Abraham and Isaac. It's all so simply said that he trusted G-d and took Isaac and placed him on the alter. What on earth was Sarah and Isaac thinking?! Did they trust Him? What kind of trust issues did they have with Abraham after it was over? Or how about thinking of that scenario taken place in modern times. There would have been a SWAT surrounding the area. Then I find myself thinking about Moses and the parting of the Red Sea, whapping a rock and water pouring out, the Pillar of Fire, and that wasn't even the half of it! Or Joshua and the battle of Jericho, Jonah, need I even go there?! Their faith is astounding! The stories are endless in the miracles that G-d provides and the proof of His existence. So often I found myself thinking, yeah but they are stories. I felt a nudge in my spirit that said, "These are your ancestors and this is actually what they went through. These are not tales, they are truth. Don't forget, cherish them, learn from them." I would encourage everyone to take place in a Passover Seder. It really can give you such a deep appreciation for what they went through. Especially for us Christians, Jesus was Jewish. He took part in these festivities and they were important to him. I see the parallels of the shadow of death passing over because of the lamb's shed blood, just as Jesus shed his blood for us and we are now protected when death passes over us. Really in reading the Old Testament there is so much that we have to learn in that miraculous time. That's another post in itself;) All I can say is, G-d is Amazing!
As I found myself asking for prayers less and less, I found my kids asking more questions. As I answered each question, I found myself asking "do I even believe this?" How could I forget after all that we saw with Aurora and Elijah? Well, I am human and G-d knows that we are forgetful and are minds are on what is seen and not unseen. So I asked Him to open my eyes to see what He is really doing, to make me see the good in all things instead of the grief and despair. I begged Him to bring me into a season of joy and dancing. A close friend of mine was talking about how she needed to be in the word more. I felt that same conviction in my heart and I knew it was where I needed to start.
I found myself in the book of Isaiah 61: 1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our G-d, comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of splendor.
I have felt for the last 10 years I have been in such a deep season of grief, mourning, and even despair. These words spoke volumes to me and really made me think, how do I get this? Praise, thankfulness, gratefulness. The very reason we named our son Elijah Praise, so that we would never forget our gratitude to G-d for his special little life. I feel as I go through each transition, another scale is lifted from my blinded eyes exposing beautiful lights of hope and truth. All of the sudden I have been able to see all the acts of kindness, all of the people that have reached out at just the right times, He has been there all along.
I am still hungry. I still deal with bouts of fear, but now I understand where they are coming from. What I am realizing is that I need to hunger for G-d the way that I hunger for real food. It cracks me up that the bible refers to love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, joy, goodness, and self control as fruit. I am literally trading worldly food for spiritual food! The irony!
For those of you who have been let down by people, by the people in your church, or hurt by religious people. Maybe you were abused, neglected, bullied, your family fell apart, maybe your child/spouse/parent/close friend died, maybe you can't have a child, maybe you are sick and you aren't getting any better, whatever the reason... I feel your pain, I know that I haven't walked your shoes, but I understand the pain of life. I found myself often angry at G-d and I have heard others that don't believe, that they will say I don't want to know a G-d that would allow those things to happen. What I am learning is that G-d is a just G-d. He is loving, kind, and faithful. He weeps with us when we weep. What satan does for evil, G-d changes for good. G-d is the G-d of hope and miracles. Even though things don't happen the ways that we want, they are for a greater good. Hard to swallow when it is you that is suffering or watching someone else suffer. Good over rides evil. Even though I daily, heck hourly battle the frustrations and the let downs of the way I thought my life should be. I can now step back and see all of the things that have gone right, that are beautiful and that give me hope to keep on going.
Right now I am battling a systemic infection that I have had for a while. I had no idea it was there, I had just assumed it was pain I had to live with. I seriously have been so sick this week that I could hardly eat, get out of bed, even breath. As I laid in bed struggling to slow my heart from beating so loud that the neighbors had to have heard, I cried out to G-d. I was reminded to ask others for prayers. Believe it or not, I have been struggling to ask for prayers. I figure I don't want to burden others and I don't want people to think I am drama. I remembered that faith is in the unseen, and lets face it, chronic illness is pretty well unseen. So I am going to keep on asking for those prayers for healing whether I am healed in the next week, month, year, decade, heck my whole life. I believe that He hears our prayers. Prayers have truly become part of my "food." Words of encouragement give me hope to keep on moving. There is so much power in our words, in our prayers, and in our love for others. I have been so blessed to have so many reach out and show me love. These people with never know the magnitude of gratitude that lies within my heart. I am thankful that as I open my heart to be vulnerable and share of my pain, there are those who are not afraid to reach out and hold my hand. It makes me want to love better.
For those of you who have been praying for me with this latest infection that was spreading throughout my body, your prayers were not in vain. I actually took a new med and for the first time in a while, minimal side effects! I am so thankful as I am starting feel like I can walk around without being in a tremendous amount of pain. Thank you for your words of encouragement and your prayers. I keep on seeing the phrase "love one another." Truly my heart is filled with so much love that I just want to hug everyone!
My prayer for this year is to be healed, but also to put on the crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. I can now truly look back at Elijah and Aurora with joy, and look forward to the day when our family will be made whole. I am ready to leave behind the grief, despair, the why's, and the should have's. I pray that I can just be grateful for what was no matter how hard it was, as those hard times have and are shaping me into the person I am now and I am going to be. The book of James has given me the peace of mind to just live in the present and not worry about a 5 year plan, or even what is going to happen tomorrow. What good does planning do? It just causes worry and expectations that can cause disappointment. So today I am here. I am battered and worn, but I am still here!
With that I will leave you with some things that have brought joy to our home this week. We had some blecky weather, so Isaiah had recess in the gym. Seth was speaking with his principal about how Isaiah was adjusting being back at school. I guess Isaiah had a bunch of the 4th grade girls surrounding him as he asked for sheets of paper to write out all the books of the bible to create a Bible Challenge. Isaiah loves watching the bible trivia show on Sundays and seriously gets almost every single answer correct! I told Seth we should just send him to seminary already. There was more to it than that, but I just cracked up! Seth checked out the Action Bible from the library and Isaiah reads it ALL of the time! He loves to quiz us all through out the night! He is truly a little prophet. Last night he asked me if we could write some prayers out and send them to G-d. He seems eager to love G-d and really his drive has been so inspiring. Aria lately has had a fascination with flowers. I used to work in a floral shop and she said she wants to be a "flower artist." It was one of my most favorite jobs that I had ever worked at. She is fully of witty sayings. She likes to call me "My Dear." She would live at school if she could and she is happy to have been reunited with her best friend at school. They both pray for my tummy every night and ask when the day that I will be healed will be. I just keep on reminding them that their prayers are special to G-d as little children are so pure in faith. They inspire me with each giggle, silly joke, and hug. I feel honored to do their hair, fold up their little clothes, read stories as their eyes get wide with excitement. As hard as it is to have them see me go through this, I am thankful they are here. They give me reason to try hard each day to get up and get going. I don't think they will ever know what special gifts they really are. Seth has been hard at work trying to balance it all. He recently has joined a men's bible study that he is eager to go to each week. I am happy that he has a place that he can just relax and be with some testosterone! Still, he is my best friend. He has had to help me up a lot this week, it reminds me of last year when I was on death's door. As broken as I feel, he reminds me that he loves me and thinks I am so beautiful. He truly is my prince charming. I myself have been thankful for some very dear friends that G-d has blessed us with. They have been walking by our sides, encouraging us, and truly have shown us love. I myself have been able to join a bible study. While I go and have been so nervous that I make a Chihuahua look calm, they have been so loving and supportive. I found myself belching due to my food getting stuck, so I had to pace back and forth (to get the food to move) and while I felt a bit self conscious a couple of them came up and gave me a hug and didn't flinch. While I only know a few of the ladies, I am so excited to get to know then more. I have to say one last funny thing. Isaiah prayed this beautiful eloquent prayer and it was Aria's turn. She talks like Brittany the chipmunk so sometimes her voice just goes higher and higher. So Aria says, "Dear G-d, I pray for all of the gassy people to not be so gassy....." She said some more but I wasn't sure if I heard her right with my hearing issues and all. So when I looked at Seth he was stifling a laugh, I asked him what she had said and sure enough, she said gassy! We just laughed and laughed. It's been good to laugh, I've missed being silly. I feel as though G-d is making me new, that the old is passing away, I'm excited.
So with that I will end with asking for prayers. Please, never underestimate the power of prayer. I am asking for prayers for Seth as he has his hands full. The man is tuckered out and really needs to be able to relax. For Isaiah, we are still struggling with asthma and he is having some issues with being bullied at school (the school is getting involved) he has such a tender heart and doesn't understand why. Aria has been having some tonsil issues, so not sure what to do about that. For me, healing, peace, joy, and wisdom. Also, to be able to put of the spirit of despair and to fully put on the garment of praise and dance!
My cousin just reminded me of this song and I have heard it a hundred times but never listened to the words. It really hit home, it expresses how I feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sijWd80MNOQ
May you all be blessed, thank you for caring about our family. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed!
His love endures forever!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Love One Another
Well, we finally did it, the kids went back to school. I had been praying for G-d to guide us in this decision and He made Himself known and so back they went. This was hard for me and still is. I am so thankful that though things are a bit overwhelming He has sent people into our lives to help me not feel so neurotic!
Aria, of course adjusted. She is so happy to be with her best friend again and has been chitter chattering every day about her latest school hullabaloo! I love how when she tells me her daily update, she spins around on her toes and her voice goes higher and higher with each word until her voice resembles that of a high pitched whistle. All the while with a smile that should truly be on a tooth paste commercial. A friend of mine had recommended the book series Fancy Nancy and boy is it rubbing off on Aria. The little girl in the book is very dramatic and always uses big words to sound extra fancy. I love the books for the fact that it has enhanced her desire to be all the more girly along with vocabulary expansion! Everyone is a winner! Today as I drew her bath. She climbed in and was splashing around. I have been trying to make an added effort to make each day a bit more special in even the tiniest of ways, to stay connected. My dear friend gave me these lovely home made rose bath salts. So today I sprinkled in some to make Aria feel extra Valentiney. Aria says "Ooh La La, this is a lovely spa!" Both of us started to giggle. We just love the preschool she is at, as today they had a Valentine Tea party! To make things even better, it was all about teaching good manners. I just thought that was such a lovely idea! We have been blessed as Aria's best friend's mother has been picking up and dropping Aria off. Truly, she is an answer to prayers. To make things even better, her and her daughter made Aria the most beautiful dazzling (Fancy Nancy) tea cup! Aria is obsessed with this tea cup and can't keep her hands off of it.
As for Isaiah, it's been a little bit of a rough start. On Monday he came home with no boots on. NO BOOTS!! To be honest, I had to laugh a little as I have heard of kids losing scarves, mittens, and hats, but boots??? Then the next day he came home without his snow pants and gloves! Being that he has been going to school since he was three, this was completely foreign to me. Through the advice of a couple of friends, we were able to track down the snow pants, the gloves, and then as an added bonus, the scarf that we had no idea was missing! Then today he came home with one of his missing boots! Yes, you heard me right, one:/ I didn't know whether to laugh or pull my hair out? I decided that I need my hair, so I just laughed. As a friend of ours pointed out, it's progress! I thought to myself, hmmm that's a lovely way to look at it. So I am sticking with progress;) He did come home looking a bit beat and it seems that he is coming down with something, so I sure would appreciate prayers that this would be something mild and not pass around.
In the time that they have been away at school it has given me a lot of time to really focus on my relationship with G-d. I have been back sliding quite a bit, so I hadn't even realized how much I have missed Him. He seems to be teaching me a lot about love. Yeah, I know, age old topic. For me, I have struggled with this. I could go into hours and hours of past hurts and lost hope, but in all of this he is reminding me to focus on loving others. How do I do that when I hardly leave the house? So I asked Him, how do I help and show love to others, when I have the energy of a nail and am house bound. Well, he answered.
I want to respect the privacy of this person, so I'll just say there is someone who got really sick and had no one to help them. No one. When my friend was telling me about all that was going on, I felt a nudge that I haven't felt in a long time. When you get that nudge, it's go time. So this person doesn't even live remotely close and I was completely bewildered as to how I was supposed to be able to help. It was as though I felt a whisper say to call local churches in the person's area. I was elated! Yes, it all seemed so simple! Our church has been awesome when it comes to those in need. I can't tell you how many times they have brought us meals, mowed our lawn, counseled us, you name it they help in any way they can! So I picked up the phone, happy as a lark thinking, tee hee!! This is brilliant! We will be having meals at this woman's door and help is on the way! I am one person, but if we just pass on the need everyone will be sure to want to help out! Do you see where this is going? As I began to dial, I stated what was going on with this person and asked if they would be willing to bring over a meal, or anything to help. I am telling you, I am still reeling from their response "No, we can't help. We don't do that here, and if we did, this person would need to come to church first." I was stunned. I just sat there stammering on the phone and all I could muster out was "Really? Really? (insert long pause) You mean you don't bring meals to your congregation members after having a baby, surgery, or a sickness?" "No," in abrupt manner was the response over and over again. My eyes were starting to sting with hot tears and my face began to flush as I truly was baffled. I had heard people bashing Christians before because of examples similar to this, but I had never heard it over and over again, in such close proximity. All I could think about was this person who needs help so badly and how much I ached to help bring relief.
Now, if you are not a Christian, I want you to understand something, this is not how we are taught. As a Christian I am here to tell you that none of us are perfect and obviously these people might have been having a bad day of their own. In fact, that's what's is so awesome about what we believe. We are sinners who make daily mistakes, but thankfully we have a savior that has paid the price for us and cover over those sins and in that is forgiveness. We are taught to love one another. Like all people, we make mistakes and in our imperfection, we learn from them. Our church has repeatedly taught us to love others, no matter what they believe. The way we show that is by helping them as much as we can, and let them decide for themselves. I have this one group of beautiful ladies that have reminded me, "Our Lord is a gentleman, he is not going to force His way in. He waits to be asked." So, I was shocked when each of these churches said no. All I could think is that the Lord in Heaven must be shedding some tears. This isn't what the body of Christ is about at all! I found myself crying and called one last church. By now, I was a sniffling mess. As I poured my heart out to this poor secretary, she listened. When I got done I could hear her sniffing a bit and she just said that she would have to call me back and by that point I was done. I cried for a while and asked G-d what on earth I was supposed to do? I was on the phone crying to my Mother in law when I saw the last church was calling me back. I ended up speaking with the secretary again and she sweetly gave me several numbers to call. She explained that she would love to help that she didn't drive and took the bus into town several times a week. She didn't have much else to help me with, but it was the love in her voice that I noticed. She cared. She had compassion. She too felt helpless. She ended calling me back 3 times with great sincerity. Now, I don't know the circumstances that each of those churches have been going through. For all I know they could be having financial issues of their own, or 10 congregation members. Who knows, their reasons could be perfectly valid. The last church that I had called didn't have any resources to lend out either, but it was how she spoke to me that changed the weight of the conversation. She spoke to me with such patience and kindness and while the circumstances hadn't changed, my heart softened. I tell you if I could, I kiss that woman (that means a lot coming from a germaphobe!), through her compassion I felt a huge lesson emerging. I have been reading in the book of James about if you ignore the cries of someone who desperately needs help, that you had better check yourself (okay so I paraphrased). I felt as though a gong has been bashed in my head. Love one another as you yourself would want to be loved. Again, yes, we all know it. I guess I just haven't felt it in that way. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have always felt like I am not enough, that I am just one person. But as I listened to that little old secretary's voice, I realized that one person can make a huge difference. Call after call, I was put off. But in that one small call with one lady, my hope was restored. All it took was one person to be kind.
Honestly at that moment I realized how blessed I have been. I am thankful to have such an adoring husband, spectacular kids, loving family, fabulous friends, and our amazing church, and a community of believers who daily talk the talk and walk the walk. I want so much to share this love with everyone who need help, but especially to this individual who has experienced such heart break and loneliness. I have also found those who have experienced hurt in one way or another, are the first to want to help. Yes, I have been blessed that even when we were completely bogged down and rejected in one way or another, we have always had a ray of hope reach through. All those times I accused G-d of abandoning me, He never did. Sadly, it was I that abandoned Him. I could list off my reasons for why, but now I realize they weren't valid. I remember at one of my earliest grief counseling session, she said to me, "feelings aren't fact." I could not wrap my mind around what she was saying. It made no sense to me whatsoever. Can you believe it took me 8 years to understand that one simple sentence? Talk about being out in the wilderness. I had a friend come over last night and as we sat and talked I told her it felt like I have had scales over my eyes and one of them came off. For someone who is in total darkness one simple light can make a huge difference. I feel as though I have gained something so priceless. I never imagined that one snappy comment could make me feel so rejected, and one kind sentence could make me feel so much hope.
Believe or not, for those of you who really know me know, I wear my heart on my sleeve and can be quite bold in my words. Yet I forgot how timid I can become when I am in uncharted territory. This also made me think about all of the times I might have been short with when I was in a bad mood and taken it out on some unsuspecting telemarketer. It's like bad moods are contagious, but so are good ones! When it all comes down to it, each of us is struggling in one way or another. It can make a world of difference to know that someone cares, even if it's just a simple hello or smile. With so much of this world being out of our control, we can control how we respond to others in daily interactions and especially in times of need. For those of us who have been repeatedly hurt, rejected, and abandoned, this can be so hard grasp. I guess true love is laying it all out on the line knowing that you can give and not get anything in return. Love, all encompassing compassionate unconditional love. It sounds so easy, but when you get down into it, it can be hard to love someone that has purposely hurt you. To be kind to someone so wicked, it just seems wrong when you are in the moment, yet it can move even the hardest of hearts.
There is a song that has been out for a while, but I have never really noticed it until after this experience it spoke volumes. It's called Shelter by Jars of Clay. The words are so beautiful, but the chorus is so poignant. Right before it they sing, "We will never walk alone. In the shelter of each other we will live...." When I heard the words, I found myself welling up with tears of comfort. How beautiful is that? We will never walk alone. In the shelter of each other we will live. G-d is always with us, whether we feel it or not. I know part of the reason I hate this sickness so much, is how isolated I feel. To think about all of the times people have answered the call of G-d and have had compassion for us and walked by our sides, prayed for us, cried with us, encouraged us, in the shelter of each other we are living.
Love one another. Imagine if each of us could do several random acts of kindness, how different this world would be.
Watch, pray, believe, and be ever so amazed.
As always, keep those prayers coming, we appreciate them more than you know!
Aria, of course adjusted. She is so happy to be with her best friend again and has been chitter chattering every day about her latest school hullabaloo! I love how when she tells me her daily update, she spins around on her toes and her voice goes higher and higher with each word until her voice resembles that of a high pitched whistle. All the while with a smile that should truly be on a tooth paste commercial. A friend of mine had recommended the book series Fancy Nancy and boy is it rubbing off on Aria. The little girl in the book is very dramatic and always uses big words to sound extra fancy. I love the books for the fact that it has enhanced her desire to be all the more girly along with vocabulary expansion! Everyone is a winner! Today as I drew her bath. She climbed in and was splashing around. I have been trying to make an added effort to make each day a bit more special in even the tiniest of ways, to stay connected. My dear friend gave me these lovely home made rose bath salts. So today I sprinkled in some to make Aria feel extra Valentiney. Aria says "Ooh La La, this is a lovely spa!" Both of us started to giggle. We just love the preschool she is at, as today they had a Valentine Tea party! To make things even better, it was all about teaching good manners. I just thought that was such a lovely idea! We have been blessed as Aria's best friend's mother has been picking up and dropping Aria off. Truly, she is an answer to prayers. To make things even better, her and her daughter made Aria the most beautiful dazzling (Fancy Nancy) tea cup! Aria is obsessed with this tea cup and can't keep her hands off of it.
As for Isaiah, it's been a little bit of a rough start. On Monday he came home with no boots on. NO BOOTS!! To be honest, I had to laugh a little as I have heard of kids losing scarves, mittens, and hats, but boots??? Then the next day he came home without his snow pants and gloves! Being that he has been going to school since he was three, this was completely foreign to me. Through the advice of a couple of friends, we were able to track down the snow pants, the gloves, and then as an added bonus, the scarf that we had no idea was missing! Then today he came home with one of his missing boots! Yes, you heard me right, one:/ I didn't know whether to laugh or pull my hair out? I decided that I need my hair, so I just laughed. As a friend of ours pointed out, it's progress! I thought to myself, hmmm that's a lovely way to look at it. So I am sticking with progress;) He did come home looking a bit beat and it seems that he is coming down with something, so I sure would appreciate prayers that this would be something mild and not pass around.
In the time that they have been away at school it has given me a lot of time to really focus on my relationship with G-d. I have been back sliding quite a bit, so I hadn't even realized how much I have missed Him. He seems to be teaching me a lot about love. Yeah, I know, age old topic. For me, I have struggled with this. I could go into hours and hours of past hurts and lost hope, but in all of this he is reminding me to focus on loving others. How do I do that when I hardly leave the house? So I asked Him, how do I help and show love to others, when I have the energy of a nail and am house bound. Well, he answered.
I want to respect the privacy of this person, so I'll just say there is someone who got really sick and had no one to help them. No one. When my friend was telling me about all that was going on, I felt a nudge that I haven't felt in a long time. When you get that nudge, it's go time. So this person doesn't even live remotely close and I was completely bewildered as to how I was supposed to be able to help. It was as though I felt a whisper say to call local churches in the person's area. I was elated! Yes, it all seemed so simple! Our church has been awesome when it comes to those in need. I can't tell you how many times they have brought us meals, mowed our lawn, counseled us, you name it they help in any way they can! So I picked up the phone, happy as a lark thinking, tee hee!! This is brilliant! We will be having meals at this woman's door and help is on the way! I am one person, but if we just pass on the need everyone will be sure to want to help out! Do you see where this is going? As I began to dial, I stated what was going on with this person and asked if they would be willing to bring over a meal, or anything to help. I am telling you, I am still reeling from their response "No, we can't help. We don't do that here, and if we did, this person would need to come to church first." I was stunned. I just sat there stammering on the phone and all I could muster out was "Really? Really? (insert long pause) You mean you don't bring meals to your congregation members after having a baby, surgery, or a sickness?" "No," in abrupt manner was the response over and over again. My eyes were starting to sting with hot tears and my face began to flush as I truly was baffled. I had heard people bashing Christians before because of examples similar to this, but I had never heard it over and over again, in such close proximity. All I could think about was this person who needs help so badly and how much I ached to help bring relief.
Now, if you are not a Christian, I want you to understand something, this is not how we are taught. As a Christian I am here to tell you that none of us are perfect and obviously these people might have been having a bad day of their own. In fact, that's what's is so awesome about what we believe. We are sinners who make daily mistakes, but thankfully we have a savior that has paid the price for us and cover over those sins and in that is forgiveness. We are taught to love one another. Like all people, we make mistakes and in our imperfection, we learn from them. Our church has repeatedly taught us to love others, no matter what they believe. The way we show that is by helping them as much as we can, and let them decide for themselves. I have this one group of beautiful ladies that have reminded me, "Our Lord is a gentleman, he is not going to force His way in. He waits to be asked." So, I was shocked when each of these churches said no. All I could think is that the Lord in Heaven must be shedding some tears. This isn't what the body of Christ is about at all! I found myself crying and called one last church. By now, I was a sniffling mess. As I poured my heart out to this poor secretary, she listened. When I got done I could hear her sniffing a bit and she just said that she would have to call me back and by that point I was done. I cried for a while and asked G-d what on earth I was supposed to do? I was on the phone crying to my Mother in law when I saw the last church was calling me back. I ended up speaking with the secretary again and she sweetly gave me several numbers to call. She explained that she would love to help that she didn't drive and took the bus into town several times a week. She didn't have much else to help me with, but it was the love in her voice that I noticed. She cared. She had compassion. She too felt helpless. She ended calling me back 3 times with great sincerity. Now, I don't know the circumstances that each of those churches have been going through. For all I know they could be having financial issues of their own, or 10 congregation members. Who knows, their reasons could be perfectly valid. The last church that I had called didn't have any resources to lend out either, but it was how she spoke to me that changed the weight of the conversation. She spoke to me with such patience and kindness and while the circumstances hadn't changed, my heart softened. I tell you if I could, I kiss that woman (that means a lot coming from a germaphobe!), through her compassion I felt a huge lesson emerging. I have been reading in the book of James about if you ignore the cries of someone who desperately needs help, that you had better check yourself (okay so I paraphrased). I felt as though a gong has been bashed in my head. Love one another as you yourself would want to be loved. Again, yes, we all know it. I guess I just haven't felt it in that way. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have always felt like I am not enough, that I am just one person. But as I listened to that little old secretary's voice, I realized that one person can make a huge difference. Call after call, I was put off. But in that one small call with one lady, my hope was restored. All it took was one person to be kind.
Honestly at that moment I realized how blessed I have been. I am thankful to have such an adoring husband, spectacular kids, loving family, fabulous friends, and our amazing church, and a community of believers who daily talk the talk and walk the walk. I want so much to share this love with everyone who need help, but especially to this individual who has experienced such heart break and loneliness. I have also found those who have experienced hurt in one way or another, are the first to want to help. Yes, I have been blessed that even when we were completely bogged down and rejected in one way or another, we have always had a ray of hope reach through. All those times I accused G-d of abandoning me, He never did. Sadly, it was I that abandoned Him. I could list off my reasons for why, but now I realize they weren't valid. I remember at one of my earliest grief counseling session, she said to me, "feelings aren't fact." I could not wrap my mind around what she was saying. It made no sense to me whatsoever. Can you believe it took me 8 years to understand that one simple sentence? Talk about being out in the wilderness. I had a friend come over last night and as we sat and talked I told her it felt like I have had scales over my eyes and one of them came off. For someone who is in total darkness one simple light can make a huge difference. I feel as though I have gained something so priceless. I never imagined that one snappy comment could make me feel so rejected, and one kind sentence could make me feel so much hope.
Believe or not, for those of you who really know me know, I wear my heart on my sleeve and can be quite bold in my words. Yet I forgot how timid I can become when I am in uncharted territory. This also made me think about all of the times I might have been short with when I was in a bad mood and taken it out on some unsuspecting telemarketer. It's like bad moods are contagious, but so are good ones! When it all comes down to it, each of us is struggling in one way or another. It can make a world of difference to know that someone cares, even if it's just a simple hello or smile. With so much of this world being out of our control, we can control how we respond to others in daily interactions and especially in times of need. For those of us who have been repeatedly hurt, rejected, and abandoned, this can be so hard grasp. I guess true love is laying it all out on the line knowing that you can give and not get anything in return. Love, all encompassing compassionate unconditional love. It sounds so easy, but when you get down into it, it can be hard to love someone that has purposely hurt you. To be kind to someone so wicked, it just seems wrong when you are in the moment, yet it can move even the hardest of hearts.
There is a song that has been out for a while, but I have never really noticed it until after this experience it spoke volumes. It's called Shelter by Jars of Clay. The words are so beautiful, but the chorus is so poignant. Right before it they sing, "We will never walk alone. In the shelter of each other we will live...." When I heard the words, I found myself welling up with tears of comfort. How beautiful is that? We will never walk alone. In the shelter of each other we will live. G-d is always with us, whether we feel it or not. I know part of the reason I hate this sickness so much, is how isolated I feel. To think about all of the times people have answered the call of G-d and have had compassion for us and walked by our sides, prayed for us, cried with us, encouraged us, in the shelter of each other we are living.
Love one another. Imagine if each of us could do several random acts of kindness, how different this world would be.
Watch, pray, believe, and be ever so amazed.
As always, keep those prayers coming, we appreciate them more than you know!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Teach, Your Children Well...
Teach your children well, and know they love you.... Crosby Stills Nash and Young sang it well. While I am not familiar with the whole song, I have heard that part of the song throughout the years. I never really thought about those words until the past few days.
I remember from a very young age, playing with my dolls and dreaming of the day that I would get to be the parent. Like most little girls, I had the names of all my kids picked out. Apparently I had watched a lot of Happy Days, because my parents tell me that I wanted my daughter to be named Pinkie, after one of the characters on the show. I also came up with the clever idea that I would also have children named Yellowy, Bluey, and yes, sadly, Greenie. Not one of my proudest moments, but I can laugh about it now. I also remember growing up having to do chores. In my mind I had it all planned out, I would NEVER make my kids do chores. I would never subject them to any hard work and dash their dreams of constant play. This was back in the day where dishwashers were a luxury. Like most, we had to wash and dry them by hand. My sister and I fought like cats and dogs and being forced to stand less than two feet apart only heightened our contempt for each other. Although some days we would make up silly little diddy's but that's whole other story. I remember this one particular time, there was quite the large amounts of dishes. I don't know about you, but having to do the dishes, was the bane of my existence!! I was pretty easy going as a child, but still I could get pretty hot under the collar. This was one of those moments. It had been chili or spaghetti night, which meant large dishes! I remember thinking to myself and I can't remember if I actually vocalized it or not, but for sure I thought it, "I will never make my kids do the dishes." This time a string in my brain got plucked because as soon as the thought passed through my mind, I, being the Einstein that I was, realized that meant I'd be doing the dishes for the rest of my life!! Shortly there after I decided to renege on my thought.
After having Aurora, I began to set up this fantasy of what a great Mom I would be. Yes, we would sing and dance, and my kids would be my best friends!! I would be cross between Mary Poppins and Julie Andrews and my kids would follow behind me like little ducklings! It sure was a nice thought. I am sure some day my kids are going to get a huge kick out of that. Then I had Elijah and everything changed. As soon as he was born, I changed. I believe he was about 3 months old and a rather traumatic event happened up at the hospital. My mothering skills were put into question over something so trivial, but it crushed me to the very core. From that day forward I became a Mama Bear. I did anything and everything I could to protect him, I didn't care how unreasonable I was being. I went from being an offensive player to both offensive and defensive. Sounds tiring right? It was. My guard had to be constantly up and aware, it was overwhelming.
I'd like to say that I have changed, but I haven't. In fact after Elijah died, it magnified everything more than I could have ever imagine. After Isaiah was born, I was determined to protect him from anything and everything. So much so that every thing was baby proofed and then some. Our poor family and friends who babysat were petrified to be alone with him, as they were afraid of anything happening to him on their watch. Then Aria joined the ranks and I had to release some of that control as it was exhausting to do this with 2 children. Do you remember the show Tiny Toons? I would liken myself to Elmyra. She would smother any tiny creature with so much love that the poor things would do anything to escape! I just love them so much that I don't want anything to happen to them and I have lost touch with G-d in this area. I often hear other parents say they have to release their kids to G-d when something is out of their control. I know that they are right, my kids aren't mine, they are His. Yet my love for them yearns to protect them in any way that I can.
So getting sick was not part of my plan. In the past year and a half, I have had to release the kids to many people to babysit. I have had to relinquish my desires for things to be certain way and even let them go make memories without me. With each trip to the hospital, we would have to drop the kids off with family and I would cry as we drove away. In fact, I pretty much cried throughout each stay. Why was crying? Yes for the pain and the fear of the unknown, but mainly, it was the fact that I never got to be the Mom that I thought I should have been. I have been so busy trying to protect the kids that I really hadn't been able to have fun with them. We used to go to the park, go on bike rides, play dates, library, anything to go out and have fun. Then I got sick and everything got put on hold. At the time, my biggest sadness was that they wouldn't remember what I had done with them. Isaiah since then has revealed many memories of what we used to do. At first I was relieved, but then I saw the great sadness in his eyes of what used to be. Even sadder yet, me not being able to give him a time frame of when all of this would get better.
Yes, I know there are many other kids in worse situations. Some are abused and neglected, some their parent/s have died, etc... I know, it could always be worse. All I could think about was, but this wasn't supposed to be how this happened. After the kids died, I just figured that we were free and clear of any more disasters, that I had made it through the fire and all would be well. I guess that's not how things work. I know I am not alone in my thought process as I have heard it through my friends and family, expressions of longing for a child or spouse that had been deceased, a divorce, infertility, financial woes, chronic illness, sudden death, you name it, some one is going through it. Some how the great deceiver has us believing that we are all alone, no one else understands my pain, no one cares.... It just gets ugly.
Fast forward to this winter. The sickness has been flying faster than trapeze artists up in the air. So we have chosen to homeschool for a short time. Granted, I began this choice out of fear. I know many people who homeschool. They are Mom's who seem to have been born with patience and extra grace. I truly respect these women as they love what they do and most do a bang up job. But me?? I am not one of those Proverbs 31 wives/mothers. So who would have thought what has emerged? I love it. I love being with my kids. For the first time in a year and a half, I feel like a Mom again. We are reading books with voracious appetites. I got to teach Isaiah about fractions today, FRACTIONS!!! I struggled so hard with this concept as a child, so I was pretty scared. After we got done with our lesson, Isaiah says "I love fractions!!" Then we discussed symmetrical and asymmetrical and he actually got it! He started to point at various things and explaining why it was one or the other. My heart leapt with joy and I felt as though I wanted to swing on the ceiling fan while having a flashback to the scene in Annie where all the servants sing and dance! So I got a bit carried away, but it was fun! I have been able to release this inner Mom in me that I had hoped was deep inside.
Believe me, I am no Mom of the year. I truly believe G-d graced me with such sweet kids, He made them, not me. I never thought I would be such an old school Mom. I believe in the basics to teach good manners and respect. I am not here to be your friend, but I am here to love you and protect you with all that I know how to do. We have been working hard on several words, organization, respect, and good effort. It's been challenging and yet, quite amazing to see how much they are responding to my one on one interaction with them. Mainly because I haven't been able much at all this last year. It's given me a sense of renewed purpose. I had pretty much written myself off and figured I have just been weighing the family down. It turns out they want me there, I have been missed. On the days I am not feeling well, we take it easy and on the days I feel good, we do extra.
Today, they were getting on their snow gear and Seth and I were talking them through each task. Isaiah can do almost everything, but putting on gloves is a great struggle. I began to laugh at one point as he was grunting quite loudly, he did not take kindly to this gesture. I was laughing at how cute he looked. He's just growing up so fast and it always catches me off guard when he struggles with something. He's always been such a little adult that I cherish moments like that, it gives me purpose. We talked him through it and cheered when he achieved success in getting the gloves on! I caught myself laughing. It was if time had stood still. They are only young once. Kids are so impressionable. They are eager to please, even in stubborn streaks. They crave our love and yearn for our approval. As parents, we do too. Let's face it, between Seth and I, he is the popular choice. Little did I know, they have been releasing little glimpses of how they see me. It was nothing of what I thought they would think. They love being with me, I am the singer, the silly dancer, the boo boo kisser, the prayer. I am, Mom.
Through out many of the days that we have spent together, some where my health is good and some, not so much, I get to build them up with love. While we can't provide them with trips to Disney World, or even Chuck E Cheese for that matter, they are content with just being loved well. I have learned that when I am having a bad day, to excuse myself, vent in another room and protect them from the harshness of what their little hearts don't need to learn just yet. By no means am I perfect, in fact I am pretty broken. It's in my brokenness I am learning to cherish the simple things and to try that much harder not to get caught up with the big stuff. In a way I have regressed, but maybe it's not such a bad thing. I can't believe I am even saying that. It's forced me to take down my walls of my self made fortress. My fortress was built to protect me from all of the hurts of my life, but in the fortress of keeping out the some bad things, it's also blocked me from receiving good things.
I never realized it before, but I am believer in everything happens for a reason. I have had few people in my life that have reminded me that just because pain has happened, doesn't mean it hasn't allowed space for good. Growing hurts. I guess if we don't ever feel pain, how do we grow?? Better yet, I know that the more I hurt, the more I cling to G-d. I have that deep rooted hope that this is all for a greater good, even if I am not there to see it. Maybe if I hadn't gotten sick, I would never have gotten the opportunity to stop and slow down and get that taste that I might be that Mom I had hoped I would be? Maybe in me being sick, I am having to step down and release this false sense of control that I thought I had and really let G-d take the reigns? In this that also means letting my husband get into the position of the role he was meant to take and for me to assume mine? Maybe I can finally grasp what I teach my kids all of the time, we are here to live for G-d, not for ourselves?
I have always had a deep yearning for G-d to be close. I have experienced His presence a few times in my life. It's an amazing experience and once you have tasted it, you crave it always. As I look at my children's faces and truly just let go of every worry, it all seems so surreal.
Raising kids isn't what I thought it would be. I thought it would be easy, but it isn't. In fact, it really is one of the hardest jobs. Not because of the all the messy stuff, but because G-d is entrusting this little one's life in my hands. Everything I say and do, will impact them and how they will function for the rest of their life. That's pretty serious stuff. So with each task I am allowed to teach them, I take it as an honor to be able to participate in their life. We only have one shot at them being young, it'll be their choice as they grow older to come home and want to visit. It'll be their choice to decide if G-d is real. It'll be their choice to see how they look at the world. It'll be their choice to choose how to act. So I am reminded of how precious this time is even as I get frustrated when they don't listen or when I get scared because of something out of my control, because I too have a choice on how to set an example everyday. How I react will impact them for years to come. Do I want to teach fear or love? It is so true to "teach your children well...and know they love you."
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
I remember from a very young age, playing with my dolls and dreaming of the day that I would get to be the parent. Like most little girls, I had the names of all my kids picked out. Apparently I had watched a lot of Happy Days, because my parents tell me that I wanted my daughter to be named Pinkie, after one of the characters on the show. I also came up with the clever idea that I would also have children named Yellowy, Bluey, and yes, sadly, Greenie. Not one of my proudest moments, but I can laugh about it now. I also remember growing up having to do chores. In my mind I had it all planned out, I would NEVER make my kids do chores. I would never subject them to any hard work and dash their dreams of constant play. This was back in the day where dishwashers were a luxury. Like most, we had to wash and dry them by hand. My sister and I fought like cats and dogs and being forced to stand less than two feet apart only heightened our contempt for each other. Although some days we would make up silly little diddy's but that's whole other story. I remember this one particular time, there was quite the large amounts of dishes. I don't know about you, but having to do the dishes, was the bane of my existence!! I was pretty easy going as a child, but still I could get pretty hot under the collar. This was one of those moments. It had been chili or spaghetti night, which meant large dishes! I remember thinking to myself and I can't remember if I actually vocalized it or not, but for sure I thought it, "I will never make my kids do the dishes." This time a string in my brain got plucked because as soon as the thought passed through my mind, I, being the Einstein that I was, realized that meant I'd be doing the dishes for the rest of my life!! Shortly there after I decided to renege on my thought.
After having Aurora, I began to set up this fantasy of what a great Mom I would be. Yes, we would sing and dance, and my kids would be my best friends!! I would be cross between Mary Poppins and Julie Andrews and my kids would follow behind me like little ducklings! It sure was a nice thought. I am sure some day my kids are going to get a huge kick out of that. Then I had Elijah and everything changed. As soon as he was born, I changed. I believe he was about 3 months old and a rather traumatic event happened up at the hospital. My mothering skills were put into question over something so trivial, but it crushed me to the very core. From that day forward I became a Mama Bear. I did anything and everything I could to protect him, I didn't care how unreasonable I was being. I went from being an offensive player to both offensive and defensive. Sounds tiring right? It was. My guard had to be constantly up and aware, it was overwhelming.
I'd like to say that I have changed, but I haven't. In fact after Elijah died, it magnified everything more than I could have ever imagine. After Isaiah was born, I was determined to protect him from anything and everything. So much so that every thing was baby proofed and then some. Our poor family and friends who babysat were petrified to be alone with him, as they were afraid of anything happening to him on their watch. Then Aria joined the ranks and I had to release some of that control as it was exhausting to do this with 2 children. Do you remember the show Tiny Toons? I would liken myself to Elmyra. She would smother any tiny creature with so much love that the poor things would do anything to escape! I just love them so much that I don't want anything to happen to them and I have lost touch with G-d in this area. I often hear other parents say they have to release their kids to G-d when something is out of their control. I know that they are right, my kids aren't mine, they are His. Yet my love for them yearns to protect them in any way that I can.
So getting sick was not part of my plan. In the past year and a half, I have had to release the kids to many people to babysit. I have had to relinquish my desires for things to be certain way and even let them go make memories without me. With each trip to the hospital, we would have to drop the kids off with family and I would cry as we drove away. In fact, I pretty much cried throughout each stay. Why was crying? Yes for the pain and the fear of the unknown, but mainly, it was the fact that I never got to be the Mom that I thought I should have been. I have been so busy trying to protect the kids that I really hadn't been able to have fun with them. We used to go to the park, go on bike rides, play dates, library, anything to go out and have fun. Then I got sick and everything got put on hold. At the time, my biggest sadness was that they wouldn't remember what I had done with them. Isaiah since then has revealed many memories of what we used to do. At first I was relieved, but then I saw the great sadness in his eyes of what used to be. Even sadder yet, me not being able to give him a time frame of when all of this would get better.
Yes, I know there are many other kids in worse situations. Some are abused and neglected, some their parent/s have died, etc... I know, it could always be worse. All I could think about was, but this wasn't supposed to be how this happened. After the kids died, I just figured that we were free and clear of any more disasters, that I had made it through the fire and all would be well. I guess that's not how things work. I know I am not alone in my thought process as I have heard it through my friends and family, expressions of longing for a child or spouse that had been deceased, a divorce, infertility, financial woes, chronic illness, sudden death, you name it, some one is going through it. Some how the great deceiver has us believing that we are all alone, no one else understands my pain, no one cares.... It just gets ugly.
Fast forward to this winter. The sickness has been flying faster than trapeze artists up in the air. So we have chosen to homeschool for a short time. Granted, I began this choice out of fear. I know many people who homeschool. They are Mom's who seem to have been born with patience and extra grace. I truly respect these women as they love what they do and most do a bang up job. But me?? I am not one of those Proverbs 31 wives/mothers. So who would have thought what has emerged? I love it. I love being with my kids. For the first time in a year and a half, I feel like a Mom again. We are reading books with voracious appetites. I got to teach Isaiah about fractions today, FRACTIONS!!! I struggled so hard with this concept as a child, so I was pretty scared. After we got done with our lesson, Isaiah says "I love fractions!!" Then we discussed symmetrical and asymmetrical and he actually got it! He started to point at various things and explaining why it was one or the other. My heart leapt with joy and I felt as though I wanted to swing on the ceiling fan while having a flashback to the scene in Annie where all the servants sing and dance! So I got a bit carried away, but it was fun! I have been able to release this inner Mom in me that I had hoped was deep inside.
Believe me, I am no Mom of the year. I truly believe G-d graced me with such sweet kids, He made them, not me. I never thought I would be such an old school Mom. I believe in the basics to teach good manners and respect. I am not here to be your friend, but I am here to love you and protect you with all that I know how to do. We have been working hard on several words, organization, respect, and good effort. It's been challenging and yet, quite amazing to see how much they are responding to my one on one interaction with them. Mainly because I haven't been able much at all this last year. It's given me a sense of renewed purpose. I had pretty much written myself off and figured I have just been weighing the family down. It turns out they want me there, I have been missed. On the days I am not feeling well, we take it easy and on the days I feel good, we do extra.
Today, they were getting on their snow gear and Seth and I were talking them through each task. Isaiah can do almost everything, but putting on gloves is a great struggle. I began to laugh at one point as he was grunting quite loudly, he did not take kindly to this gesture. I was laughing at how cute he looked. He's just growing up so fast and it always catches me off guard when he struggles with something. He's always been such a little adult that I cherish moments like that, it gives me purpose. We talked him through it and cheered when he achieved success in getting the gloves on! I caught myself laughing. It was if time had stood still. They are only young once. Kids are so impressionable. They are eager to please, even in stubborn streaks. They crave our love and yearn for our approval. As parents, we do too. Let's face it, between Seth and I, he is the popular choice. Little did I know, they have been releasing little glimpses of how they see me. It was nothing of what I thought they would think. They love being with me, I am the singer, the silly dancer, the boo boo kisser, the prayer. I am, Mom.
Through out many of the days that we have spent together, some where my health is good and some, not so much, I get to build them up with love. While we can't provide them with trips to Disney World, or even Chuck E Cheese for that matter, they are content with just being loved well. I have learned that when I am having a bad day, to excuse myself, vent in another room and protect them from the harshness of what their little hearts don't need to learn just yet. By no means am I perfect, in fact I am pretty broken. It's in my brokenness I am learning to cherish the simple things and to try that much harder not to get caught up with the big stuff. In a way I have regressed, but maybe it's not such a bad thing. I can't believe I am even saying that. It's forced me to take down my walls of my self made fortress. My fortress was built to protect me from all of the hurts of my life, but in the fortress of keeping out the some bad things, it's also blocked me from receiving good things.
I never realized it before, but I am believer in everything happens for a reason. I have had few people in my life that have reminded me that just because pain has happened, doesn't mean it hasn't allowed space for good. Growing hurts. I guess if we don't ever feel pain, how do we grow?? Better yet, I know that the more I hurt, the more I cling to G-d. I have that deep rooted hope that this is all for a greater good, even if I am not there to see it. Maybe if I hadn't gotten sick, I would never have gotten the opportunity to stop and slow down and get that taste that I might be that Mom I had hoped I would be? Maybe in me being sick, I am having to step down and release this false sense of control that I thought I had and really let G-d take the reigns? In this that also means letting my husband get into the position of the role he was meant to take and for me to assume mine? Maybe I can finally grasp what I teach my kids all of the time, we are here to live for G-d, not for ourselves?
I have always had a deep yearning for G-d to be close. I have experienced His presence a few times in my life. It's an amazing experience and once you have tasted it, you crave it always. As I look at my children's faces and truly just let go of every worry, it all seems so surreal.
Raising kids isn't what I thought it would be. I thought it would be easy, but it isn't. In fact, it really is one of the hardest jobs. Not because of the all the messy stuff, but because G-d is entrusting this little one's life in my hands. Everything I say and do, will impact them and how they will function for the rest of their life. That's pretty serious stuff. So with each task I am allowed to teach them, I take it as an honor to be able to participate in their life. We only have one shot at them being young, it'll be their choice as they grow older to come home and want to visit. It'll be their choice to decide if G-d is real. It'll be their choice to see how they look at the world. It'll be their choice to choose how to act. So I am reminded of how precious this time is even as I get frustrated when they don't listen or when I get scared because of something out of my control, because I too have a choice on how to set an example everyday. How I react will impact them for years to come. Do I want to teach fear or love? It is so true to "teach your children well...and know they love you."
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Mosaic
I keep on trying to find the right way to start this post, but have found myself writing and deleting quite a bit. Thankfully, I don't have to write this all out in long hand or else there would be quite a bit of crumpled up balls of paper every where. We have gotten quite a bit of snow over the past week. The kids are loving it and are constantly begging to go out side. Seth of course has gone beyond the building a snow man and has instead helped the kids create an igloo at the bottom of their slide. It just cracks me up to see them all bundled up in their snow gear to the point that they waddle around like little penguins. Since it's been so cold, we have been extra careful to protect their little lungs. So we have added the "Christmas Story" look, where their ensemble is topped off with a scarf that is wrapped up to their eyes! All you can see is their tiny eyes peering out from a sea of pink/black and orange/black. They don't complain though, they are more than thrilled to be able to explore the winter wonderland that they haven't really seen much of in the past couple of years.
Due to all of the snow, we have almost went into hibernation mode. We hit up the library for as many books as we could grab, so that we could have plenty of story time. I have the kids read with me to get used to reading out loud. If you ever wonder how you sound or what frequent words you say, just have a kid around. Apparently, I change my voices with each character, and both of them have picked up on that. I have to hold back the laughter in hearing Aria and Isaiah changing their tones with a man or woman character. It's been a world of wonder for me to see how much they have grasped at punctuation and changing how a sentence sounds. It took me at least until 2nd or 3rd grade to figure that out. Isaiah is adding and subtracting double digits, he truly loves math. We have also taken up spelling, although it is by far his least favorite subject. They are starting to get into Winnie the Pooh! They haven't really shown any interest until they saw the Tigger movie, now it's exploded into begging to see another. Hey, if I can have Spider Man not enter the house for a little while longer, that's fine by me! The biggest thing that I have become aware with the both of them, is their hearts. I have noticed that they are really becoming aware of compassion. I have been battling a 5 day tension headache. This thing will just not go away. I had to finally lie down and told the kids to play quietly in the room next to me. After a while, Isaiah quietly tip toed into my room and sweetly said "How is your head Mommy?" He stroked my hair and just smiled at me. His sweet soul was truly concerned about how I felt. I was waiting for a request on his part, but the only thing he wanted was for me to feel better. I struggle with the guilt of them seeing me fall apart. On the days I feel good, I try really hard to make the best go of it. I feel so guilty to think that I am not out there helping create a snow maze, wolfing down dinner, or having kids come over for play dates. It's the simple things I wish I could do, nothing extravagant, just simple.
This week I has been an emotional battle ground, for myself. I have been dealing with a lot of old issues, mixed in with the new and it's created quite the storm. I hit bottom and felt myself crying out to the Lord for mercy, as it was the only else that I could do. I even tried to take a break from Facebook to try and clear my head and not focus on what everyone else was doing. I just needed some time to focus on what it is that I can do. It left me to face my fears straight in the eye and I did not like what I saw.
Since taking my break from Facebook, I have been able to catch up with my friends on the phone. I forgot how much I missed talking with people, it's just not the same as Facebook. While I get to see bits and pieces, I missed the heart and soul of what others are going through. Most people are healthy enough to have get togethers, so they are getting the full picture. For me, being in a shut in status, at the moment, it's harder to do. So I was able to pick up the phone and be able to connect with friends, some of them I had no idea how bad they were hurting. I was able to see that I am not the only one suffering, only the suffering presents itself in a wide variant of forms. The best part, I was just able to listen. I knew I couldn't change their situation, but I could listen as they poured their hearts out. It has been humbling. Don't get me wrong, FB is great to keep in touch. I am just more aware that I need to reach out to others, just as much as I needed them to reach out to me.
As I spoke with my friend Stephanie last night (she is the one who just got her second feeding tube placement) she informed me that the feeding tube recovery wasn't going as well as had been hoped. This week she is going to have TPN placed. This was something she had hoped to avoid. I sat there as she explained all that has been going on. It's enough that I wish I could go to every GI doc in the world and beg them to do more to help people with gastroparesis! We need food to survive and we need more research! After I hung up the phone I just sat there begging for G-d's help and asking "why?"
I was then reminded of a thought. I had written about this after Elijah had died. I believe it was in the book of Job, where we hear about the reference that G-d is the potter and we are the clay. I almost imagine with each of us we are all made so unique. Some of the pieces sit as they are, where as, some are painted, some get fired in the kiln (sometimes more than one), well, you get the picture. I imagine all of us are a part of that clay. We are all in different shapes and sizes. As we grow, sometimes we get bumped into, dropped, and even smashed. To us, we look broken, unsalvageable. We feel as though we are damaged goods with each blow. To us, we see nothing but a mess on the floor. Or worse yet, we feel it. Then there is G-d. He is the one who loves us unconditionally. Where we are let down time after time by loved ones, acquaintances, even strangers, He doesn't. This is hard to admit when you double over in pain. I have cried out many a time asking where He is. Sometimes He answers quickly, while others, it's as though He is silent. Silently I imagine him looking at my shattered mess, all of my hurts, my kids death's, my illness, etc. He sweeps me up into the dust pan, and just when I think He is going to throw me out, He places me on his work table. He then seems to dust off each piece of me and places me into a frame. I can't quite see the frame and I have no idea what He is doing. When out comes the little dabbles of hope/glue to stick me into this frame. I guess what I imagine is all us in our hurts, both big and small, are placed together to connect each other. In all our brokenness, He places us together to create a big beautiful mosaic picture that only He can see. What we see is broken shattered pieces, He sees a collage of beauty and color. Without Him, we are nothing but clay, dust. With Him, we become a part of a bigger picture that is even more beautiful that we can imagine. Some lives are snuffed out before they even begin, some while they are young, some while they are old, but each of them have a place, and a true purpose. A purpose that G-d knows and adores.
I am asking for some heavy duty prayers. First, for my friend Stephanie. Please pray that her body would respond to this TPN in a positive way and be able to gain weight. Also that her whole system would work as it should. I am asking for prayers for wisdom. I am supposed to go for Botox at U of M on Friday and we are trying to be obedient to what G-d wants for me. Also for prayers for G-d to show us what to do for some pretty big decisions. As always, for healing, whatever that looks like. Peace is so under rated and yet I yearn for heaps of it!
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
For G-d has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. 2 Tim. 1:7
Due to all of the snow, we have almost went into hibernation mode. We hit up the library for as many books as we could grab, so that we could have plenty of story time. I have the kids read with me to get used to reading out loud. If you ever wonder how you sound or what frequent words you say, just have a kid around. Apparently, I change my voices with each character, and both of them have picked up on that. I have to hold back the laughter in hearing Aria and Isaiah changing their tones with a man or woman character. It's been a world of wonder for me to see how much they have grasped at punctuation and changing how a sentence sounds. It took me at least until 2nd or 3rd grade to figure that out. Isaiah is adding and subtracting double digits, he truly loves math. We have also taken up spelling, although it is by far his least favorite subject. They are starting to get into Winnie the Pooh! They haven't really shown any interest until they saw the Tigger movie, now it's exploded into begging to see another. Hey, if I can have Spider Man not enter the house for a little while longer, that's fine by me! The biggest thing that I have become aware with the both of them, is their hearts. I have noticed that they are really becoming aware of compassion. I have been battling a 5 day tension headache. This thing will just not go away. I had to finally lie down and told the kids to play quietly in the room next to me. After a while, Isaiah quietly tip toed into my room and sweetly said "How is your head Mommy?" He stroked my hair and just smiled at me. His sweet soul was truly concerned about how I felt. I was waiting for a request on his part, but the only thing he wanted was for me to feel better. I struggle with the guilt of them seeing me fall apart. On the days I feel good, I try really hard to make the best go of it. I feel so guilty to think that I am not out there helping create a snow maze, wolfing down dinner, or having kids come over for play dates. It's the simple things I wish I could do, nothing extravagant, just simple.
This week I has been an emotional battle ground, for myself. I have been dealing with a lot of old issues, mixed in with the new and it's created quite the storm. I hit bottom and felt myself crying out to the Lord for mercy, as it was the only else that I could do. I even tried to take a break from Facebook to try and clear my head and not focus on what everyone else was doing. I just needed some time to focus on what it is that I can do. It left me to face my fears straight in the eye and I did not like what I saw.
Since taking my break from Facebook, I have been able to catch up with my friends on the phone. I forgot how much I missed talking with people, it's just not the same as Facebook. While I get to see bits and pieces, I missed the heart and soul of what others are going through. Most people are healthy enough to have get togethers, so they are getting the full picture. For me, being in a shut in status, at the moment, it's harder to do. So I was able to pick up the phone and be able to connect with friends, some of them I had no idea how bad they were hurting. I was able to see that I am not the only one suffering, only the suffering presents itself in a wide variant of forms. The best part, I was just able to listen. I knew I couldn't change their situation, but I could listen as they poured their hearts out. It has been humbling. Don't get me wrong, FB is great to keep in touch. I am just more aware that I need to reach out to others, just as much as I needed them to reach out to me.
As I spoke with my friend Stephanie last night (she is the one who just got her second feeding tube placement) she informed me that the feeding tube recovery wasn't going as well as had been hoped. This week she is going to have TPN placed. This was something she had hoped to avoid. I sat there as she explained all that has been going on. It's enough that I wish I could go to every GI doc in the world and beg them to do more to help people with gastroparesis! We need food to survive and we need more research! After I hung up the phone I just sat there begging for G-d's help and asking "why?"
I was then reminded of a thought. I had written about this after Elijah had died. I believe it was in the book of Job, where we hear about the reference that G-d is the potter and we are the clay. I almost imagine with each of us we are all made so unique. Some of the pieces sit as they are, where as, some are painted, some get fired in the kiln (sometimes more than one), well, you get the picture. I imagine all of us are a part of that clay. We are all in different shapes and sizes. As we grow, sometimes we get bumped into, dropped, and even smashed. To us, we look broken, unsalvageable. We feel as though we are damaged goods with each blow. To us, we see nothing but a mess on the floor. Or worse yet, we feel it. Then there is G-d. He is the one who loves us unconditionally. Where we are let down time after time by loved ones, acquaintances, even strangers, He doesn't. This is hard to admit when you double over in pain. I have cried out many a time asking where He is. Sometimes He answers quickly, while others, it's as though He is silent. Silently I imagine him looking at my shattered mess, all of my hurts, my kids death's, my illness, etc. He sweeps me up into the dust pan, and just when I think He is going to throw me out, He places me on his work table. He then seems to dust off each piece of me and places me into a frame. I can't quite see the frame and I have no idea what He is doing. When out comes the little dabbles of hope/glue to stick me into this frame. I guess what I imagine is all us in our hurts, both big and small, are placed together to connect each other. In all our brokenness, He places us together to create a big beautiful mosaic picture that only He can see. What we see is broken shattered pieces, He sees a collage of beauty and color. Without Him, we are nothing but clay, dust. With Him, we become a part of a bigger picture that is even more beautiful that we can imagine. Some lives are snuffed out before they even begin, some while they are young, some while they are old, but each of them have a place, and a true purpose. A purpose that G-d knows and adores.
I am asking for some heavy duty prayers. First, for my friend Stephanie. Please pray that her body would respond to this TPN in a positive way and be able to gain weight. Also that her whole system would work as it should. I am asking for prayers for wisdom. I am supposed to go for Botox at U of M on Friday and we are trying to be obedient to what G-d wants for me. Also for prayers for G-d to show us what to do for some pretty big decisions. As always, for healing, whatever that looks like. Peace is so under rated and yet I yearn for heaps of it!
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
For G-d has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. 2 Tim. 1:7
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Laughter
With all of my heavy writing, I thought you might enjoy a change of pace. Two posts, two days in a row, I am on fire! I thought I would share with you how silly our family can be. We aren't one's to go to the movie theater, so we are pretty behind when it comes to the latest movies. We tend to watch them when they are aired on the TV. Well, we finally watched Despicable Me. I was a bit hesitant to allow the kids to watch it, as I didn't know if it would be scary, but I figured as long as we were in room we'd know quickly. I was pretty surprised how cute the movie really was. Normally Seth and I are running back and forth doing things, so unless it's the weekend, we tend to not watch movies. Yesterday it just happened that we all ended up in the room with time on our hands, YAY! We were all pretty much belly laughing through the whole movie. I don't know if you have ever seen it, but the youngest girl had us in stitches! She reminded me a bit of Aria. Aria loves My Little Ponies, unicorns, and Pegasus. So did this little girl. At one point they are at a theme park. The little girl really wants this unicorn, and so the whole gang is trying to help her out. It turns out that the game is fixed, so they are sorely disappointed that they can't win. The lead character Gru, ends up taking care of business, and they end up getting the toy through a not so likely manner. Anyways, the part that cracked me up was the little girl finally obtaining the toy and then squeezing it and saying in a crazy deep voice "It's SO FLUFFY!" We were all laughing so hard, that ended up rewinding it several times, just to laugh some more. You are probably like, I don't get it, but seriously I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! The kids were even more hyped up to see Mom and Dad busting a gut. It has been a long time since we have really been able to sit back and relax, a good time was had by all.
Later in the evening Seth read the kids the Narnia series. I believe they are in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Seth grew up hearing his Dad read this to him and his siblings before bed, so he is eager to carry on the tradition. The kids beg him to read and really are quite eager for this special time. We sent the kids off to bed with Isaiah listening to The Odyssey and Aria up with her butterfly lights aglow in her room. I heard a couple of belly laughs out of Isaiah and then all was quiet. I pretty much assumed we would have an uneventful night.
I haven't been sleeping very well lately. So I have been trying to make sure the room is dark and just lie their and pray for as many people as I can remember. It took a while, but finally my eye lids got heavy and I was asleep. It felt like only 5 minutes had passed when I realized that Seth was gone. I was completely disoriented. I have to laugh at the thought that I actually was having trouble figuring out where I was and what time of the night it was. I'll never forget one time in high school waking up and panicking because of thinking I was going to be late (I you can't tell, I hate being late). I had jumped in the shower did my hair (took an hour to curl back then) and got dressed. I don't know how long it took me only to realize, it was only 3 in the morning. Well, it was kind of one of those moments. I ended up getting out of bed to search for Seth and try to figure out what had happened. He was a little more with it than I was, but both of us were stumbling around like two clunky robots who batteries are dangerously low. Seth informed me that Aria's ear was hurting, so he was looking for the ear drops. All I could see was this flash light flickering around as both of us our naming off one of the many places it could be. If I had been thinking any clearer, I would have realized that if it wasn't in the medicine cabinet or in the med cubbie, that meant were out. Thank the Lord there was two of us, as we both collaborated and came up with the ingenious idea, Zyrtec (from me) and Tylenol (from Seth). Zyrtec, that was my brilliant idea?? Seriously Seth one upped me on this round. Pretty much from that point on Aria was up, on and off and I kept on thinking I was hearing her cry. Seth went to the pharmacy as soon as it opened and was able to get our favorite pharmacist to fill the prescription in a snap. Seth later told me, while he was coaxing Aria to allow him to take the ear drops, he pulled out Angry birds to distract her. Her bed is right under a window, and Seth was leaning back on it. As soon as he leaned forward, the shade snapped up and the sun was starting to peak through. Aria sits up and says, "it's morning!" in her sing song voice. Seth is trying his hardest to get her to go back to bed, being that it is the crack of dawn! Just when Seth finally got her to consider going back to sleep, a charity came by and rang the door bell. Seth is totally baffled that anyone would even consider ringing a door bell this early in the morning. Poor Seth. I am deaf as a door nail, so I was none the wiser to all that was going on. I just remember going into Aria's room and talking with her. I couldn't figure out how she was so perky and awake. I just have to laugh. I know you probably have encountered many situations like this. The whole thing is so ridiculous that it takes the two of us to discuss over his break what had really happened!
Sleep deprivation, do you have any of these stories?
I'll never forget the time when Isaiah was only a few months old. We were both so sleep deprived and apparently I was having a realistic dream. I was always terrified that I was going to roll over on him and smother him, so I was afraid to sleep with him. A friend of ours had this actually happen to them and their son died, so I was pretty paranoid. Well, between middle of the night feedings I had fallen asleep with Isaiah, or so I had thought. I woke up hysterical and started yelling at Seth "where is the baby? Where is he?! Oh my Lord, we lost the baby!" Seth is completely disoriented and is walking around the room in a daze. When I realize that he isn't getting what I am saying, I am hysterical. I am clawing and the sheet and digging around yelling like a deranged circus monkey yelling "WHERE IS MY BABY!!" Seth finally gets it and starts digging in the sheet. People, it was a sheet in the middle of summer. Not blankets upon blankets, like the winter, but a sheet. Seth runs downstairs (I am seriously laughing while typing this) and I am checking the floor (our house is small too, so there isn't many places to lose a baby in our house) when all of the sudden Seth goes, "Kelly." By now, I might as well be frothing at the mouth with how panicked I am. "What!" I insanely reply. "He's right here." "Where?" I am stupefied. "In the crib, sound asleep." Seth just starts laughing as he hops back into bed. What makes the situation even more nuts, was Isaiah's crib was in our bedroom. I run over, there he is soundly asleep. Soundly..... Which is more than I can say about his crazy mother. I can't stop laughing!
I can name so many other times like being in the PICU with Elijah. Seth and I are sleeping on a one person cot. Thank the Lord both of us were skinny as picks or else they would have made us go home (they didn't have places for parents to sleep then). I'll never forget being up all night with Eli, and then finally falling asleep on this tiny chair with Seth slammed up against my back. We were packed in there about as tight as sardines in a can. I remember waking up to voices and sitting up with my hair resembling that of a Cockatoo. I opened my eyes and their stood the whole team of doctors and interns. There were at the very least 7 doctors all staring at Seth and I. I was so embarrassed as we are trying to ask them serious questions all the while having the thought process of an ameba.
I can only imagine the stories the kids are going to have of us. They are already starting to pick up on funny things, so gone are the days of pretending it's all good, with them none the wiser.
I am not one to quote TV, as I get easily annoyed when someone is explaining something that you have no idea what they are talking about. I ended up seeing the Stephen Kind movie It when I was much too young. If anyone of you have ever seen this movie, well it pretty much makes you scared of clowns for life. Suffice to say, I hate clowns. Late one night I hear Seth laughing like crazy, he can barely get the words out. All I hear is him saying the words "Little Ceaser's, clown, and honk." He knows I am terrified of them, which is the only reason that this is even funny. I am like, WHAT? Well, if you get the chance to ever see the Little Ceaser's commercial with two girls walking in the woods and they are discussing that there is a crazy clown loose in the woods. The other girl talks about the $5 pizza, when all of the sudden a clown jumps of the bushes and says "your both right!" and then proceeds to honk his horn and run away. I must have had a look of sheer horror on my face, because Seth is laughing even harder. His laughter is contagious, so I joined in. I don't even know why I am writing about this, I must be so over tired. I guess I thought it was so funny and any time you see it, you can think about me and all those who are terrified of clowns, and how awful that would be if it really happened LOL.
I am laughing even now and the kids keep on asking me why I am laughing. If laughter is the best medicine, I have gotten a good dose. This post is completely pointless, but I hope it might have made you laugh. I figured with all the tears we have shared, we should also share in the dorky moments. It'll keep us young. If you have a good story, feel free to share, I can always use another dose;D
Here's the clip if you want to see what I am talking about
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4i7vS_UO4Q
Later in the evening Seth read the kids the Narnia series. I believe they are in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Seth grew up hearing his Dad read this to him and his siblings before bed, so he is eager to carry on the tradition. The kids beg him to read and really are quite eager for this special time. We sent the kids off to bed with Isaiah listening to The Odyssey and Aria up with her butterfly lights aglow in her room. I heard a couple of belly laughs out of Isaiah and then all was quiet. I pretty much assumed we would have an uneventful night.
I haven't been sleeping very well lately. So I have been trying to make sure the room is dark and just lie their and pray for as many people as I can remember. It took a while, but finally my eye lids got heavy and I was asleep. It felt like only 5 minutes had passed when I realized that Seth was gone. I was completely disoriented. I have to laugh at the thought that I actually was having trouble figuring out where I was and what time of the night it was. I'll never forget one time in high school waking up and panicking because of thinking I was going to be late (I you can't tell, I hate being late). I had jumped in the shower did my hair (took an hour to curl back then) and got dressed. I don't know how long it took me only to realize, it was only 3 in the morning. Well, it was kind of one of those moments. I ended up getting out of bed to search for Seth and try to figure out what had happened. He was a little more with it than I was, but both of us were stumbling around like two clunky robots who batteries are dangerously low. Seth informed me that Aria's ear was hurting, so he was looking for the ear drops. All I could see was this flash light flickering around as both of us our naming off one of the many places it could be. If I had been thinking any clearer, I would have realized that if it wasn't in the medicine cabinet or in the med cubbie, that meant were out. Thank the Lord there was two of us, as we both collaborated and came up with the ingenious idea, Zyrtec (from me) and Tylenol (from Seth). Zyrtec, that was my brilliant idea?? Seriously Seth one upped me on this round. Pretty much from that point on Aria was up, on and off and I kept on thinking I was hearing her cry. Seth went to the pharmacy as soon as it opened and was able to get our favorite pharmacist to fill the prescription in a snap. Seth later told me, while he was coaxing Aria to allow him to take the ear drops, he pulled out Angry birds to distract her. Her bed is right under a window, and Seth was leaning back on it. As soon as he leaned forward, the shade snapped up and the sun was starting to peak through. Aria sits up and says, "it's morning!" in her sing song voice. Seth is trying his hardest to get her to go back to bed, being that it is the crack of dawn! Just when Seth finally got her to consider going back to sleep, a charity came by and rang the door bell. Seth is totally baffled that anyone would even consider ringing a door bell this early in the morning. Poor Seth. I am deaf as a door nail, so I was none the wiser to all that was going on. I just remember going into Aria's room and talking with her. I couldn't figure out how she was so perky and awake. I just have to laugh. I know you probably have encountered many situations like this. The whole thing is so ridiculous that it takes the two of us to discuss over his break what had really happened!
Sleep deprivation, do you have any of these stories?
I'll never forget the time when Isaiah was only a few months old. We were both so sleep deprived and apparently I was having a realistic dream. I was always terrified that I was going to roll over on him and smother him, so I was afraid to sleep with him. A friend of ours had this actually happen to them and their son died, so I was pretty paranoid. Well, between middle of the night feedings I had fallen asleep with Isaiah, or so I had thought. I woke up hysterical and started yelling at Seth "where is the baby? Where is he?! Oh my Lord, we lost the baby!" Seth is completely disoriented and is walking around the room in a daze. When I realize that he isn't getting what I am saying, I am hysterical. I am clawing and the sheet and digging around yelling like a deranged circus monkey yelling "WHERE IS MY BABY!!" Seth finally gets it and starts digging in the sheet. People, it was a sheet in the middle of summer. Not blankets upon blankets, like the winter, but a sheet. Seth runs downstairs (I am seriously laughing while typing this) and I am checking the floor (our house is small too, so there isn't many places to lose a baby in our house) when all of the sudden Seth goes, "Kelly." By now, I might as well be frothing at the mouth with how panicked I am. "What!" I insanely reply. "He's right here." "Where?" I am stupefied. "In the crib, sound asleep." Seth just starts laughing as he hops back into bed. What makes the situation even more nuts, was Isaiah's crib was in our bedroom. I run over, there he is soundly asleep. Soundly..... Which is more than I can say about his crazy mother. I can't stop laughing!
I can name so many other times like being in the PICU with Elijah. Seth and I are sleeping on a one person cot. Thank the Lord both of us were skinny as picks or else they would have made us go home (they didn't have places for parents to sleep then). I'll never forget being up all night with Eli, and then finally falling asleep on this tiny chair with Seth slammed up against my back. We were packed in there about as tight as sardines in a can. I remember waking up to voices and sitting up with my hair resembling that of a Cockatoo. I opened my eyes and their stood the whole team of doctors and interns. There were at the very least 7 doctors all staring at Seth and I. I was so embarrassed as we are trying to ask them serious questions all the while having the thought process of an ameba.
I can only imagine the stories the kids are going to have of us. They are already starting to pick up on funny things, so gone are the days of pretending it's all good, with them none the wiser.
I am not one to quote TV, as I get easily annoyed when someone is explaining something that you have no idea what they are talking about. I ended up seeing the Stephen Kind movie It when I was much too young. If anyone of you have ever seen this movie, well it pretty much makes you scared of clowns for life. Suffice to say, I hate clowns. Late one night I hear Seth laughing like crazy, he can barely get the words out. All I hear is him saying the words "Little Ceaser's, clown, and honk." He knows I am terrified of them, which is the only reason that this is even funny. I am like, WHAT? Well, if you get the chance to ever see the Little Ceaser's commercial with two girls walking in the woods and they are discussing that there is a crazy clown loose in the woods. The other girl talks about the $5 pizza, when all of the sudden a clown jumps of the bushes and says "your both right!" and then proceeds to honk his horn and run away. I must have had a look of sheer horror on my face, because Seth is laughing even harder. His laughter is contagious, so I joined in. I don't even know why I am writing about this, I must be so over tired. I guess I thought it was so funny and any time you see it, you can think about me and all those who are terrified of clowns, and how awful that would be if it really happened LOL.
I am laughing even now and the kids keep on asking me why I am laughing. If laughter is the best medicine, I have gotten a good dose. This post is completely pointless, but I hope it might have made you laugh. I figured with all the tears we have shared, we should also share in the dorky moments. It'll keep us young. If you have a good story, feel free to share, I can always use another dose;D
Here's the clip if you want to see what I am talking about
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4i7vS_UO4Q
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The Power of Peace
If you would have asked me 2 weeks ago where I would be today, I would have said "U of M, having botox." We ended up watching a church service about prayer, and listening to G-d. I had found that my food intake was really low, but still everything in me was afraid to go to the hospital. I just have found that going to medical facilities is increasing my anxiety ten fold, especially with the doom flu going around. I found myself tossing back and forth over doing it or not. Botox has really helped me in the past, but the more you use it, the less effective. Not only that, but it is a toxin. I kept finding myself thinking if it might be temporarily helping me, but in the long term??? No one knows what damage it could be causing. Not to say that I won't do it if I don't need to, but I want to be at peace with my decision. In the struggle to make my decision, I found myself at G-d's mercy, not praying for healing, but for mercy and wisdom. I just want to be at peace no matter the circumstances. For some people, this may be easy to attain. For me, patience is a thorn in my side. So we started taking time out of our night and just sat still and waited for G-d to speak to us. To those of you who are wondering, no I didn't hear his audible voice. In fact, I didn't recieve any big sign. What I did get was worth more than I had ever imagined, His peace. I am so thankful that I wish I could kiss Him! My health hasn't changed, the circumstances haven't changed, but it was His peace that all of the sudden put out the fiery panic attacks that seemed to be choking me with fear. We rescheduled for early February. We will continue to seek what it is that we should be doing, as we all know G-d works through modern medicine as well. We also thank those of you who were praying for me, they were answered!
In the meantime, due to all of the sickness out there, we have been on lockdown over here. Between my procedure/health and Isaiah's lungs, we have been hunkered down at home. We spoke with Isaiah's pediatrician who fully supported out decision with all of the issues we have been having with his lungs and even simple colds. So that means I have gotten to experience bit of what teachers do. Dear teachers, you are amazing, underappreciated and deserve a million dollars a year! I love my kiddo's and they really have been awesome, but wow, teaching truly is an art form!
We have been working on home work here. I found that my kids love flash cards, just like I did. So we have been doing math, colors/shapes, animals and their habitat, and the states and capitals of America. I can't believe how fast they are and really, even I am learning a lot that I had forgotten! We have also been working on the kids writing. Isaiah has doctor handwriting. Seriously, it's all over the place and hard to read. So, we have been designating time to just printing. I use the computer so much, that I rarely hand write anything anymore. Much to my shock and dismay, my hand writing was worse than his! In fact, my hand would be half way through a sentence, and just it would just weaken and quit! I got a taste of my own medicine and could hear my lecturing Isaiah about the importance of being able to write legibly, bleck! I have also been working with Aria on how to properly hold her crayons. We really need the big ones, but we just have the regular size. I have noticed that she holds it in her fist. So I have trying my tush off how to hold the crayon. She'll copy me for a while, but as soon as I turn around, she'll go back to the fist! YAR!!! Still, I can't complain. I have been having a ton of bonding time with them. We have been able to relax and just hang out. Isaiah has been vocalizing his emotions better and better. We have been able to get to the root of some issues and have been seeing huge improvements. The two of them are pretty tight knit and seem to be really playing with each other. Don't get me wrong, they have their moments, it's just been better than I had anticipated. I have been thankful for this time as it has allowed me to just focus on them. They seem to really be enjoying hanging out with me and that in itself is priceless!
We are quite the musical family We constantly have the radio playing, I have found it soothes my nerves, heck all of our nerves. I find the two of them singing 10,000 blessings a lot! Nothing like having our family break out in song at any given moment. While we all sing different keys, it says "make a joyful noise unto the Lord!" Nothing about singing in tune;) It's been fun to see how much they retaining the verses and singing their hearts out to the Lord. They have been pretty bummed about not having much snow, but were ecstatic to be riding their scooters outside in the middle of January! I just love watching them play together, it's such a joy to see them grab each others hands and call out to each other.
My friend Stephanie did have her surgery. So far it has gone well, but she is still there and has a lot of recovery to do. Please pray for her healing and that her body would function properly. Every day I am becoming more and more aware of people and the trials that they are going through. It's easy being trapped in the house, being stuck on my own issues. I feel fortunate to have a group of people that have really reached out to me and gently have held me when I have been to weak to stand on my own. I have gotten see others who are suffering with their own diagnosis's and how they respond. Everyone is so unique and it just goes to show, we were all created so differently. I still get hung up on my own expectations of how I wish I could respond. Through these people I am learning, we can always strive to be better, but also learn to accept who we were made to be. After all, if we were all the same, it just wouldn't work. Nothing huge and profound on my end, just sharing and update. If any of you have any fun teaching ideas, feel free to share!
As always, I ask for prayers. I am asking for G-d's wisdom, mercy, and peace. A specific new one, would be that I could be able to eat some new foods. I really need better nutrition. I did finally try cooked carrots and praise the Lord! I was able to eat one! I never thought a carrot could be so succulent! The other day Seth made broccoli. I wanted it so bad that I thought I was going to chew my own leg off! Still, I am praying for courage to be able to expand my diet with more nutritious food.
I thank you all for supporting me through all of this. No matter how near or far, I really appreciate the support and words of encouragement. Thank you so much.
In the meantime, due to all of the sickness out there, we have been on lockdown over here. Between my procedure/health and Isaiah's lungs, we have been hunkered down at home. We spoke with Isaiah's pediatrician who fully supported out decision with all of the issues we have been having with his lungs and even simple colds. So that means I have gotten to experience bit of what teachers do. Dear teachers, you are amazing, underappreciated and deserve a million dollars a year! I love my kiddo's and they really have been awesome, but wow, teaching truly is an art form!
We have been working on home work here. I found that my kids love flash cards, just like I did. So we have been doing math, colors/shapes, animals and their habitat, and the states and capitals of America. I can't believe how fast they are and really, even I am learning a lot that I had forgotten! We have also been working on the kids writing. Isaiah has doctor handwriting. Seriously, it's all over the place and hard to read. So, we have been designating time to just printing. I use the computer so much, that I rarely hand write anything anymore. Much to my shock and dismay, my hand writing was worse than his! In fact, my hand would be half way through a sentence, and just it would just weaken and quit! I got a taste of my own medicine and could hear my lecturing Isaiah about the importance of being able to write legibly, bleck! I have also been working with Aria on how to properly hold her crayons. We really need the big ones, but we just have the regular size. I have noticed that she holds it in her fist. So I have trying my tush off how to hold the crayon. She'll copy me for a while, but as soon as I turn around, she'll go back to the fist! YAR!!! Still, I can't complain. I have been having a ton of bonding time with them. We have been able to relax and just hang out. Isaiah has been vocalizing his emotions better and better. We have been able to get to the root of some issues and have been seeing huge improvements. The two of them are pretty tight knit and seem to be really playing with each other. Don't get me wrong, they have their moments, it's just been better than I had anticipated. I have been thankful for this time as it has allowed me to just focus on them. They seem to really be enjoying hanging out with me and that in itself is priceless!
We are quite the musical family We constantly have the radio playing, I have found it soothes my nerves, heck all of our nerves. I find the two of them singing 10,000 blessings a lot! Nothing like having our family break out in song at any given moment. While we all sing different keys, it says "make a joyful noise unto the Lord!" Nothing about singing in tune;) It's been fun to see how much they retaining the verses and singing their hearts out to the Lord. They have been pretty bummed about not having much snow, but were ecstatic to be riding their scooters outside in the middle of January! I just love watching them play together, it's such a joy to see them grab each others hands and call out to each other.
My friend Stephanie did have her surgery. So far it has gone well, but she is still there and has a lot of recovery to do. Please pray for her healing and that her body would function properly. Every day I am becoming more and more aware of people and the trials that they are going through. It's easy being trapped in the house, being stuck on my own issues. I feel fortunate to have a group of people that have really reached out to me and gently have held me when I have been to weak to stand on my own. I have gotten see others who are suffering with their own diagnosis's and how they respond. Everyone is so unique and it just goes to show, we were all created so differently. I still get hung up on my own expectations of how I wish I could respond. Through these people I am learning, we can always strive to be better, but also learn to accept who we were made to be. After all, if we were all the same, it just wouldn't work. Nothing huge and profound on my end, just sharing and update. If any of you have any fun teaching ideas, feel free to share!
As always, I ask for prayers. I am asking for G-d's wisdom, mercy, and peace. A specific new one, would be that I could be able to eat some new foods. I really need better nutrition. I did finally try cooked carrots and praise the Lord! I was able to eat one! I never thought a carrot could be so succulent! The other day Seth made broccoli. I wanted it so bad that I thought I was going to chew my own leg off! Still, I am praying for courage to be able to expand my diet with more nutritious food.
I thank you all for supporting me through all of this. No matter how near or far, I really appreciate the support and words of encouragement. Thank you so much.
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