Nothing like a crazy night to make me do a blog post. It's actually been a crazy week, hmmm more like the last few months. Well, let's just start with last night. Seth and I have been going to bed much later than we should be lately. Have you ever noticed that there is something about the night time when kids issues arise?
I haven't been sleeping well lately. Actually, I dread going to bed. I have been having some issues, so I tend to lollygag through the night as long as I can. It doesn't help that I am a night owl, so it's when I do my best hooting! I finally fell asleep for what felt like a few minutes only to find that Seth was nowhere to be found. I can't hear without my hearing aids (yes, I sound like I am 80) so I was a bit puzzled. I looked out in the hall and the lights were on. My first thought was "I told him not to let the kids eat at Culver's." Don't get me wrong, it is one of my restaurants that I really crave and miss quite a bit. The only thing is we are realizing that Isaiah doesn't do well with fast food, burger's (although like his Mama, we love/miss them), and some other stuff. He has gotten sick off of them quickly, so I admittedly was a bit miffed when Seth let the cat out of the bag that he had take them because they so asked (more like Daddy told them to ask).
So I headed down the stairs and was stumbling dreading to see a bucket, and well you get where I am heading with this. Instead both of the boys were on the couch. I looked at I. and he just burst into tears, his face was red, and then he started to bark and wheeze. All of the sudden I was fully alert and wanted a full report. Seth just looked at me and said, "they told me to call 911." Say what? He calmly went over the details, but all the while Isaiah is just beside himself (and rightfully so). Once we both realized his asthma was in play, we swung into action. For some reason, when little dude is sick, I am the only one who can get through. So, I calmly had him step outside with me so that we could "count cars." He sweetly put on his bathrobe and slippers and followed me outside. All the while Seth is preparing a nebulizer treatment and but for some reason I. became so afraid of it. I still don't know why. He's done it for years, so we had to reason with him about the importance of breathing all the while trying to stay calm and making up back up plans in case he refused. Believe me, Mama Bear will do anything to keep her little cubs safe. If the doctor says you need the medicine, you will get the medicine. Thankfully he and I have an unspoken bond that truly reveals itself when all hooty hoo breaks out. Between his flare up of asthma and my flare up of my stomach, today has not been one to really desire.
In my funky mood, I have been blessed to be reminded of how thankful I am for the good times and oddly enough, the bad. As hard as it was watching little dude go through all of that, I was beyond thankful that he was okay. I was thankful that G-d gave us the wisdom we needed at just the right moment to help him through. It wasn't just a coincidence that I woke up when I did, it wasn't the universe that allowed Isaiah another day, it was the power of G-d.
As hard as it is for me to admit this, I am thankful I have gotten sick. I know you are probably thinking I finally flew the coop. Really, as much as this stinks and I have pity parties for myself every now and again, I am learning. I am a stubborn woman and it takes a lot for me to really see what I need to see. While I know this isn't what G-d wants for me, He WILL make good out of it.
Since being sick, I have been able to appreciate the Lord in a whole new way. I look forward to seeing what new thing is being done. I look forward to ordinary miracles, like waking up! I have been reminded how sacred our time is here. I tell people I love them almost 98% more than I ever did. I LOVE being with people. I tell you, I cannot get enough. When I can't be somewhere, I actually cry when I miss out, before I didn't mind at all. We finally started to paint the inside of our house!! 6 1/2 years people, we have lived here and only one room was painted. In less than a month we have 4 rooms painted and they are all in bright colors!! I may not be able to be outside much, but to bring the color into our home has brought life into my soul!
It really feels like we are in the Wizard of Oz movie, we are moving from black and white to full on color! I am learning to embrace what I like and not what others tell me I should like. For so long I feel like I have lost who I was and now I feel like I am just getting a glimpse of who G-d wants me to be, better yet, who He sees me as.
In me getting sick, Isaiah seems to have really embraced his identity in Christ. Last year, when I got baptized, he so badly wanted to also. We thought he just wanted to play in the pool, but it was so far from truth. In the last year he has repeatedly asked us when he could be baptized. We asked him why, and he said "I want to be born again. I want to die to myself and become like Jesus." What?! He went into more detail than that and we were blown away. His motives were more pure than mine when I got baptized. On April 13th, exactly one year and one day after my baptism, he joyfully got baptized.
Truly that day, I wasn't sure I was going to even be able to make it. When I realized how weak I was feeling I tried to sway him to postponing it, but he would not waver. He just looked at me through his glasses with those big ole green eyes and said "Mama, I am getting baptized today on April 13th." That was it, he went and G-d gave me the strength and a huge support system of friends and family to get me there. When we approached the church my legs were rubbery and I wasn't sure I'd even be able to make it to the sanctuary. One of my dear friend's helped me in and when I was saw all of the blue shirts walking by, I found myself searching for him. There shirts said, "I have decided," and my eyes filled tears. I finally spotted Isaiah and called to him, I wanted him to know I actually made it. He saw me (without his glasses) and joyfully waved back. My heart felt so sad I couldn't go sit with him. Just then another one of my friend's said my name (she too was getting baptized) and she put her hand on his shoulder and my heart just soared! I knew she would be right with him and that he'd be just fine. It was perfect. Just when I thought my night couldn't get any better, I got to go up to the pool and actually stand by the pool. When Isaiah got to the top of the pool, waiting for his turn Aria started shouting "Brover, Brover (Brother)!!" Isaiah couldn't hear any of us calling his name, but he heard his sister. He immediately unplugged his nose and started waving as hard as his little arms could take him. Before we knew it, he was in the pool Proclaiming his faith! Not only did I get to watch him be baptized, but I also got to watch my friend get baptized as well, it was amazing!
As each day passes, I have my good and bad days. I have begun to notice on those bad days how G-d mysteriously has just the right people come into my life to help me along. I have so often cried out to Him, "Where are you? Can't you email me??? Call, knock, smack me upside the head??" I am just now realizing that all along he was sending people in just when I was crying, when I was down, when I was angry, when I felt all alone, He was and is there.
Eli's heavenly birthdate of 8 years came and went. We worked on a video montage for over 5 hours (it should have only taken about one). Seth and I were getting a bit frustrated when the Holy Spirit just open my eyes and my memories we had tucked away into the back of our memory. We got to hold Eli for a few minutes after he was born, that was it. It took 28 days before we were allowed hold him again. We had to be patient. He was a little over two months old before he got his first taste of real food/formula. I had pumped every day for a couple of months and he only got have one bottle. In that whole time he lived on IV fluids of D5. He was ALWAYS hungry. He would gnaw on that pacifier like it was a T bone steak. Due to not having any kidneys it is such a delicate balance of balancing his electrolytes like Potassium (it is deadly if it is too high, which he toed the line several times) BUN, Creatine, and bunch of other levels, so he could only use certain formula at only small amounts. The whole time back then it drove me crazy that he was so hungry. I had forgotten. His whole life he was hungry and gave me a whole level of understanding for what he went through. So, I am thankful that the program wasn't working as it gave me time to reflect on areas that I needed to remember. I am thankful that I can eat my cream of wheat, it was more than he ever had.
I am so thankful that I have hearing aides to help me hear. I am thankful that I have friends that want to visit with me, even in my jammies. I am thankful that my Hubby likes to cook for me. I am thankful that my kids still think I am the best Mom in the whole world. I am thankful that as flood waters were rising all around town, our home stayed dry. I am thankful for the clean water that comes out of the faucet and toilets that flush. I am thankful for the lights that stay on when it's dark. Or the heater the heats when it is cold. I am thankful for the little birds that flit and flutter all around and some how hop on the teeny tiny bird legs (How do they hold up their body?) I am thankful for my G-d, that even though I don't understand His ways, He still rescues me even when I don't deserve it. I am thankful that He sent His son into the world to cover all of my rotten sins (and I have a lot of them!), and I am thankful for his Sprit, which comforts me when no one else can. I am thankful to be alive today. I am thankful that my son made it through the night and is right now reading his bible for fun! (Man, I didn't even start doing that until I was in my 20's). Even though my life is full of craziness, I am so blessed. I have G-d's amazing grace.
As we all go through life may I suggest a small reminder that can make all the difference in the world. "Weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice." We live in a world where we want to fix people with our words and be on with our lives. I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone and step into those that are around you and climb into the trenches and let them know that you care. It really does make all of the difference in someone's day. I can tell you that on some of my worst days I have had some amazing people come and sit with me and let me cry and it made me feel like I still mattered. So if someone you know just lost a loved one, maybe are dealing with marital issues or divorce, it could be a sickness especially a chronic one, or depression for no reason, your visit, your call could be the very thing they need to keep going one more day. It really does matter and I can tell you the gratitude is eternal.
Well, it's back to my life that is full of adventure I go. I am scheduled for Botox/EGD on Friday, so if you think about it please say a prayer. I am still trying to decide if we should go or not and if we do, we hope it only brings good things. May your eyes be opened to the amazing grace that is all around us.
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