Teach your children well, and know they love you.... Crosby Stills Nash and Young sang it well. While I am not familiar with the whole song, I have heard that part of the song throughout the years. I never really thought about those words until the past few days.
I remember from a very young age, playing with my dolls and dreaming of the day that I would get to be the parent. Like most little girls, I had the names of all my kids picked out. Apparently I had watched a lot of Happy Days, because my parents tell me that I wanted my daughter to be named Pinkie, after one of the characters on the show. I also came up with the clever idea that I would also have children named Yellowy, Bluey, and yes, sadly, Greenie. Not one of my proudest moments, but I can laugh about it now. I also remember growing up having to do chores. In my mind I had it all planned out, I would NEVER make my kids do chores. I would never subject them to any hard work and dash their dreams of constant play. This was back in the day where dishwashers were a luxury. Like most, we had to wash and dry them by hand. My sister and I fought like cats and dogs and being forced to stand less than two feet apart only heightened our contempt for each other. Although some days we would make up silly little diddy's but that's whole other story. I remember this one particular time, there was quite the large amounts of dishes. I don't know about you, but having to do the dishes, was the bane of my existence!! I was pretty easy going as a child, but still I could get pretty hot under the collar. This was one of those moments. It had been chili or spaghetti night, which meant large dishes! I remember thinking to myself and I can't remember if I actually vocalized it or not, but for sure I thought it, "I will never make my kids do the dishes." This time a string in my brain got plucked because as soon as the thought passed through my mind, I, being the Einstein that I was, realized that meant I'd be doing the dishes for the rest of my life!! Shortly there after I decided to renege on my thought.
After having Aurora, I began to set up this fantasy of what a great Mom I would be. Yes, we would sing and dance, and my kids would be my best friends!! I would be cross between Mary Poppins and Julie Andrews and my kids would follow behind me like little ducklings! It sure was a nice thought. I am sure some day my kids are going to get a huge kick out of that. Then I had Elijah and everything changed. As soon as he was born, I changed. I believe he was about 3 months old and a rather traumatic event happened up at the hospital. My mothering skills were put into question over something so trivial, but it crushed me to the very core. From that day forward I became a Mama Bear. I did anything and everything I could to protect him, I didn't care how unreasonable I was being. I went from being an offensive player to both offensive and defensive. Sounds tiring right? It was. My guard had to be constantly up and aware, it was overwhelming.
I'd like to say that I have changed, but I haven't. In fact after Elijah died, it magnified everything more than I could have ever imagine. After Isaiah was born, I was determined to protect him from anything and everything. So much so that every thing was baby proofed and then some. Our poor family and friends who babysat were petrified to be alone with him, as they were afraid of anything happening to him on their watch. Then Aria joined the ranks and I had to release some of that control as it was exhausting to do this with 2 children. Do you remember the show Tiny Toons? I would liken myself to Elmyra. She would smother any tiny creature with so much love that the poor things would do anything to escape! I just love them so much that I don't want anything to happen to them and I have lost touch with G-d in this area. I often hear other parents say they have to release their kids to G-d when something is out of their control. I know that they are right, my kids aren't mine, they are His. Yet my love for them yearns to protect them in any way that I can.
So getting sick was not part of my plan. In the past year and a half, I have had to release the kids to many people to babysit. I have had to relinquish my desires for things to be certain way and even let them go make memories without me. With each trip to the hospital, we would have to drop the kids off with family and I would cry as we drove away. In fact, I pretty much cried throughout each stay. Why was crying? Yes for the pain and the fear of the unknown, but mainly, it was the fact that I never got to be the Mom that I thought I should have been. I have been so busy trying to protect the kids that I really hadn't been able to have fun with them. We used to go to the park, go on bike rides, play dates, library, anything to go out and have fun. Then I got sick and everything got put on hold. At the time, my biggest sadness was that they wouldn't remember what I had done with them. Isaiah since then has revealed many memories of what we used to do. At first I was relieved, but then I saw the great sadness in his eyes of what used to be. Even sadder yet, me not being able to give him a time frame of when all of this would get better.
Yes, I know there are many other kids in worse situations. Some are abused and neglected, some their parent/s have died, etc... I know, it could always be worse. All I could think about was, but this wasn't supposed to be how this happened. After the kids died, I just figured that we were free and clear of any more disasters, that I had made it through the fire and all would be well. I guess that's not how things work. I know I am not alone in my thought process as I have heard it through my friends and family, expressions of longing for a child or spouse that had been deceased, a divorce, infertility, financial woes, chronic illness, sudden death, you name it, some one is going through it. Some how the great deceiver has us believing that we are all alone, no one else understands my pain, no one cares.... It just gets ugly.
Fast forward to this winter. The sickness has been flying faster than trapeze artists up in the air. So we have chosen to homeschool for a short time. Granted, I began this choice out of fear. I know many people who homeschool. They are Mom's who seem to have been born with patience and extra grace. I truly respect these women as they love what they do and most do a bang up job. But me?? I am not one of those Proverbs 31 wives/mothers. So who would have thought what has emerged? I love it. I love being with my kids. For the first time in a year and a half, I feel like a Mom again. We are reading books with voracious appetites. I got to teach Isaiah about fractions today, FRACTIONS!!! I struggled so hard with this concept as a child, so I was pretty scared. After we got done with our lesson, Isaiah says "I love fractions!!" Then we discussed symmetrical and asymmetrical and he actually got it! He started to point at various things and explaining why it was one or the other. My heart leapt with joy and I felt as though I wanted to swing on the ceiling fan while having a flashback to the scene in Annie where all the servants sing and dance! So I got a bit carried away, but it was fun! I have been able to release this inner Mom in me that I had hoped was deep inside.
Believe me, I am no Mom of the year. I truly believe G-d graced me with such sweet kids, He made them, not me. I never thought I would be such an old school Mom. I believe in the basics to teach good manners and respect. I am not here to be your friend, but I am here to love you and protect you with all that I know how to do. We have been working hard on several words, organization, respect, and good effort. It's been challenging and yet, quite amazing to see how much they are responding to my one on one interaction with them. Mainly because I haven't been able much at all this last year. It's given me a sense of renewed purpose. I had pretty much written myself off and figured I have just been weighing the family down. It turns out they want me there, I have been missed. On the days I am not feeling well, we take it easy and on the days I feel good, we do extra.
Today, they were getting on their snow gear and Seth and I were talking them through each task. Isaiah can do almost everything, but putting on gloves is a great struggle. I began to laugh at one point as he was grunting quite loudly, he did not take kindly to this gesture. I was laughing at how cute he looked. He's just growing up so fast and it always catches me off guard when he struggles with something. He's always been such a little adult that I cherish moments like that, it gives me purpose. We talked him through it and cheered when he achieved success in getting the gloves on! I caught myself laughing. It was if time had stood still. They are only young once. Kids are so impressionable. They are eager to please, even in stubborn streaks. They crave our love and yearn for our approval. As parents, we do too. Let's face it, between Seth and I, he is the popular choice. Little did I know, they have been releasing little glimpses of how they see me. It was nothing of what I thought they would think. They love being with me, I am the singer, the silly dancer, the boo boo kisser, the prayer. I am, Mom.
Through out many of the days that we have spent together, some where my health is good and some, not so much, I get to build them up with love. While we can't provide them with trips to Disney World, or even Chuck E Cheese for that matter, they are content with just being loved well. I have learned that when I am having a bad day, to excuse myself, vent in another room and protect them from the harshness of what their little hearts don't need to learn just yet. By no means am I perfect, in fact I am pretty broken. It's in my brokenness I am learning to cherish the simple things and to try that much harder not to get caught up with the big stuff. In a way I have regressed, but maybe it's not such a bad thing. I can't believe I am even saying that. It's forced me to take down my walls of my self made fortress. My fortress was built to protect me from all of the hurts of my life, but in the fortress of keeping out the some bad things, it's also blocked me from receiving good things.
I never realized it before, but I am believer in everything happens for a reason. I have had few people in my life that have reminded me that just because pain has happened, doesn't mean it hasn't allowed space for good. Growing hurts. I guess if we don't ever feel pain, how do we grow?? Better yet, I know that the more I hurt, the more I cling to G-d. I have that deep rooted hope that this is all for a greater good, even if I am not there to see it. Maybe if I hadn't gotten sick, I would never have gotten the opportunity to stop and slow down and get that taste that I might be that Mom I had hoped I would be? Maybe in me being sick, I am having to step down and release this false sense of control that I thought I had and really let G-d take the reigns? In this that also means letting my husband get into the position of the role he was meant to take and for me to assume mine? Maybe I can finally grasp what I teach my kids all of the time, we are here to live for G-d, not for ourselves?
I have always had a deep yearning for G-d to be close. I have experienced His presence a few times in my life. It's an amazing experience and once you have tasted it, you crave it always. As I look at my children's faces and truly just let go of every worry, it all seems so surreal.
Raising kids isn't what I thought it would be. I thought it would be easy, but it isn't. In fact, it really is one of the hardest jobs. Not because of the all the messy stuff, but because G-d is entrusting this little one's life in my hands. Everything I say and do, will impact them and how they will function for the rest of their life. That's pretty serious stuff. So with each task I am allowed to teach them, I take it as an honor to be able to participate in their life. We only have one shot at them being young, it'll be their choice as they grow older to come home and want to visit. It'll be their choice to decide if G-d is real. It'll be their choice to see how they look at the world. It'll be their choice to choose how to act. So I am reminded of how precious this time is even as I get frustrated when they don't listen or when I get scared because of something out of my control, because I too have a choice on how to set an example everyday. How I react will impact them for years to come. Do I want to teach fear or love? It is so true to "teach your children well...and know they love you."
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
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