Well, we finally did it, the kids went back to school. I had been praying for G-d to guide us in this decision and He made Himself known and so back they went. This was hard for me and still is. I am so thankful that though things are a bit overwhelming He has sent people into our lives to help me not feel so neurotic!
Aria, of course adjusted. She is so happy to be with her best friend again and has been chitter chattering every day about her latest school hullabaloo! I love how when she tells me her daily update, she spins around on her toes and her voice goes higher and higher with each word until her voice resembles that of a high pitched whistle. All the while with a smile that should truly be on a tooth paste commercial. A friend of mine had recommended the book series Fancy Nancy and boy is it rubbing off on Aria. The little girl in the book is very dramatic and always uses big words to sound extra fancy. I love the books for the fact that it has enhanced her desire to be all the more girly along with vocabulary expansion! Everyone is a winner! Today as I drew her bath. She climbed in and was splashing around. I have been trying to make an added effort to make each day a bit more special in even the tiniest of ways, to stay connected. My dear friend gave me these lovely home made rose bath salts. So today I sprinkled in some to make Aria feel extra Valentiney. Aria says "Ooh La La, this is a lovely spa!" Both of us started to giggle. We just love the preschool she is at, as today they had a Valentine Tea party! To make things even better, it was all about teaching good manners. I just thought that was such a lovely idea! We have been blessed as Aria's best friend's mother has been picking up and dropping Aria off. Truly, she is an answer to prayers. To make things even better, her and her daughter made Aria the most beautiful dazzling (Fancy Nancy) tea cup! Aria is obsessed with this tea cup and can't keep her hands off of it.
As for Isaiah, it's been a little bit of a rough start. On Monday he came home with no boots on. NO BOOTS!! To be honest, I had to laugh a little as I have heard of kids losing scarves, mittens, and hats, but boots??? Then the next day he came home without his snow pants and gloves! Being that he has been going to school since he was three, this was completely foreign to me. Through the advice of a couple of friends, we were able to track down the snow pants, the gloves, and then as an added bonus, the scarf that we had no idea was missing! Then today he came home with one of his missing boots! Yes, you heard me right, one:/ I didn't know whether to laugh or pull my hair out? I decided that I need my hair, so I just laughed. As a friend of ours pointed out, it's progress! I thought to myself, hmmm that's a lovely way to look at it. So I am sticking with progress;) He did come home looking a bit beat and it seems that he is coming down with something, so I sure would appreciate prayers that this would be something mild and not pass around.
In the time that they have been away at school it has given me a lot of time to really focus on my relationship with G-d. I have been back sliding quite a bit, so I hadn't even realized how much I have missed Him. He seems to be teaching me a lot about love. Yeah, I know, age old topic. For me, I have struggled with this. I could go into hours and hours of past hurts and lost hope, but in all of this he is reminding me to focus on loving others. How do I do that when I hardly leave the house? So I asked Him, how do I help and show love to others, when I have the energy of a nail and am house bound. Well, he answered.
I want to respect the privacy of this person, so I'll just say there is someone who got really sick and had no one to help them. No one. When my friend was telling me about all that was going on, I felt a nudge that I haven't felt in a long time. When you get that nudge, it's go time. So this person doesn't even live remotely close and I was completely bewildered as to how I was supposed to be able to help. It was as though I felt a whisper say to call local churches in the person's area. I was elated! Yes, it all seemed so simple! Our church has been awesome when it comes to those in need. I can't tell you how many times they have brought us meals, mowed our lawn, counseled us, you name it they help in any way they can! So I picked up the phone, happy as a lark thinking, tee hee!! This is brilliant! We will be having meals at this woman's door and help is on the way! I am one person, but if we just pass on the need everyone will be sure to want to help out! Do you see where this is going? As I began to dial, I stated what was going on with this person and asked if they would be willing to bring over a meal, or anything to help. I am telling you, I am still reeling from their response "No, we can't help. We don't do that here, and if we did, this person would need to come to church first." I was stunned. I just sat there stammering on the phone and all I could muster out was "Really? Really? (insert long pause) You mean you don't bring meals to your congregation members after having a baby, surgery, or a sickness?" "No," in abrupt manner was the response over and over again. My eyes were starting to sting with hot tears and my face began to flush as I truly was baffled. I had heard people bashing Christians before because of examples similar to this, but I had never heard it over and over again, in such close proximity. All I could think about was this person who needs help so badly and how much I ached to help bring relief.
Now, if you are not a Christian, I want you to understand something, this is not how we are taught. As a Christian I am here to tell you that none of us are perfect and obviously these people might have been having a bad day of their own. In fact, that's what's is so awesome about what we believe. We are sinners who make daily mistakes, but thankfully we have a savior that has paid the price for us and cover over those sins and in that is forgiveness. We are taught to love one another. Like all people, we make mistakes and in our imperfection, we learn from them. Our church has repeatedly taught us to love others, no matter what they believe. The way we show that is by helping them as much as we can, and let them decide for themselves. I have this one group of beautiful ladies that have reminded me, "Our Lord is a gentleman, he is not going to force His way in. He waits to be asked." So, I was shocked when each of these churches said no. All I could think is that the Lord in Heaven must be shedding some tears. This isn't what the body of Christ is about at all! I found myself crying and called one last church. By now, I was a sniffling mess. As I poured my heart out to this poor secretary, she listened. When I got done I could hear her sniffing a bit and she just said that she would have to call me back and by that point I was done. I cried for a while and asked G-d what on earth I was supposed to do? I was on the phone crying to my Mother in law when I saw the last church was calling me back. I ended up speaking with the secretary again and she sweetly gave me several numbers to call. She explained that she would love to help that she didn't drive and took the bus into town several times a week. She didn't have much else to help me with, but it was the love in her voice that I noticed. She cared. She had compassion. She too felt helpless. She ended calling me back 3 times with great sincerity. Now, I don't know the circumstances that each of those churches have been going through. For all I know they could be having financial issues of their own, or 10 congregation members. Who knows, their reasons could be perfectly valid. The last church that I had called didn't have any resources to lend out either, but it was how she spoke to me that changed the weight of the conversation. She spoke to me with such patience and kindness and while the circumstances hadn't changed, my heart softened. I tell you if I could, I kiss that woman (that means a lot coming from a germaphobe!), through her compassion I felt a huge lesson emerging. I have been reading in the book of James about if you ignore the cries of someone who desperately needs help, that you had better check yourself (okay so I paraphrased). I felt as though a gong has been bashed in my head. Love one another as you yourself would want to be loved. Again, yes, we all know it. I guess I just haven't felt it in that way. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have always felt like I am not enough, that I am just one person. But as I listened to that little old secretary's voice, I realized that one person can make a huge difference. Call after call, I was put off. But in that one small call with one lady, my hope was restored. All it took was one person to be kind.
Honestly at that moment I realized how blessed I have been. I am thankful to have such an adoring husband, spectacular kids, loving family, fabulous friends, and our amazing church, and a community of believers who daily talk the talk and walk the walk. I want so much to share this love with everyone who need help, but especially to this individual who has experienced such heart break and loneliness. I have also found those who have experienced hurt in one way or another, are the first to want to help. Yes, I have been blessed that even when we were completely bogged down and rejected in one way or another, we have always had a ray of hope reach through. All those times I accused G-d of abandoning me, He never did. Sadly, it was I that abandoned Him. I could list off my reasons for why, but now I realize they weren't valid. I remember at one of my earliest grief counseling session, she said to me, "feelings aren't fact." I could not wrap my mind around what she was saying. It made no sense to me whatsoever. Can you believe it took me 8 years to understand that one simple sentence? Talk about being out in the wilderness. I had a friend come over last night and as we sat and talked I told her it felt like I have had scales over my eyes and one of them came off. For someone who is in total darkness one simple light can make a huge difference. I feel as though I have gained something so priceless. I never imagined that one snappy comment could make me feel so rejected, and one kind sentence could make me feel so much hope.
Believe or not, for those of you who really know me know, I wear my heart on my sleeve and can be quite bold in my words. Yet I forgot how timid I can become when I am in uncharted territory. This also made me think about all of the times I might have been short with when I was in a bad mood and taken it out on some unsuspecting telemarketer. It's like bad moods are contagious, but so are good ones! When it all comes down to it, each of us is struggling in one way or another. It can make a world of difference to know that someone cares, even if it's just a simple hello or smile. With so much of this world being out of our control, we can control how we respond to others in daily interactions and especially in times of need. For those of us who have been repeatedly hurt, rejected, and abandoned, this can be so hard grasp. I guess true love is laying it all out on the line knowing that you can give and not get anything in return. Love, all encompassing compassionate unconditional love. It sounds so easy, but when you get down into it, it can be hard to love someone that has purposely hurt you. To be kind to someone so wicked, it just seems wrong when you are in the moment, yet it can move even the hardest of hearts.
There is a song that has been out for a while, but I have never really noticed it until after this experience it spoke volumes. It's called Shelter by Jars of Clay. The words are so beautiful, but the chorus is so poignant. Right before it they sing, "We will never walk alone. In the shelter of each other we will live...." When I heard the words, I found myself welling up with tears of comfort. How beautiful is that? We will never walk alone. In the shelter of each other we will live. G-d is always with us, whether we feel it or not. I know part of the reason I hate this sickness so much, is how isolated I feel. To think about all of the times people have answered the call of G-d and have had compassion for us and walked by our sides, prayed for us, cried with us, encouraged us, in the shelter of each other we are living.
Love one another. Imagine if each of us could do several random acts of kindness, how different this world would be.
Watch, pray, believe, and be ever so amazed.
As always, keep those prayers coming, we appreciate them more than you know!
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