I keep on trying to find the right way to start this post, but have found myself writing and deleting quite a bit. Thankfully, I don't have to write this all out in long hand or else there would be quite a bit of crumpled up balls of paper every where. We have gotten quite a bit of snow over the past week. The kids are loving it and are constantly begging to go out side. Seth of course has gone beyond the building a snow man and has instead helped the kids create an igloo at the bottom of their slide. It just cracks me up to see them all bundled up in their snow gear to the point that they waddle around like little penguins. Since it's been so cold, we have been extra careful to protect their little lungs. So we have added the "Christmas Story" look, where their ensemble is topped off with a scarf that is wrapped up to their eyes! All you can see is their tiny eyes peering out from a sea of pink/black and orange/black. They don't complain though, they are more than thrilled to be able to explore the winter wonderland that they haven't really seen much of in the past couple of years.
Due to all of the snow, we have almost went into hibernation mode. We hit up the library for as many books as we could grab, so that we could have plenty of story time. I have the kids read with me to get used to reading out loud. If you ever wonder how you sound or what frequent words you say, just have a kid around. Apparently, I change my voices with each character, and both of them have picked up on that. I have to hold back the laughter in hearing Aria and Isaiah changing their tones with a man or woman character. It's been a world of wonder for me to see how much they have grasped at punctuation and changing how a sentence sounds. It took me at least until 2nd or 3rd grade to figure that out. Isaiah is adding and subtracting double digits, he truly loves math. We have also taken up spelling, although it is by far his least favorite subject. They are starting to get into Winnie the Pooh! They haven't really shown any interest until they saw the Tigger movie, now it's exploded into begging to see another. Hey, if I can have Spider Man not enter the house for a little while longer, that's fine by me! The biggest thing that I have become aware with the both of them, is their hearts. I have noticed that they are really becoming aware of compassion. I have been battling a 5 day tension headache. This thing will just not go away. I had to finally lie down and told the kids to play quietly in the room next to me. After a while, Isaiah quietly tip toed into my room and sweetly said "How is your head Mommy?" He stroked my hair and just smiled at me. His sweet soul was truly concerned about how I felt. I was waiting for a request on his part, but the only thing he wanted was for me to feel better. I struggle with the guilt of them seeing me fall apart. On the days I feel good, I try really hard to make the best go of it. I feel so guilty to think that I am not out there helping create a snow maze, wolfing down dinner, or having kids come over for play dates. It's the simple things I wish I could do, nothing extravagant, just simple.
This week I has been an emotional battle ground, for myself. I have been dealing with a lot of old issues, mixed in with the new and it's created quite the storm. I hit bottom and felt myself crying out to the Lord for mercy, as it was the only else that I could do. I even tried to take a break from Facebook to try and clear my head and not focus on what everyone else was doing. I just needed some time to focus on what it is that I can do. It left me to face my fears straight in the eye and I did not like what I saw.
Since taking my break from Facebook, I have been able to catch up with my friends on the phone. I forgot how much I missed talking with people, it's just not the same as Facebook. While I get to see bits and pieces, I missed the heart and soul of what others are going through. Most people are healthy enough to have get togethers, so they are getting the full picture. For me, being in a shut in status, at the moment, it's harder to do. So I was able to pick up the phone and be able to connect with friends, some of them I had no idea how bad they were hurting. I was able to see that I am not the only one suffering, only the suffering presents itself in a wide variant of forms. The best part, I was just able to listen. I knew I couldn't change their situation, but I could listen as they poured their hearts out. It has been humbling. Don't get me wrong, FB is great to keep in touch. I am just more aware that I need to reach out to others, just as much as I needed them to reach out to me.
As I spoke with my friend Stephanie last night (she is the one who just got her second feeding tube placement) she informed me that the feeding tube recovery wasn't going as well as had been hoped. This week she is going to have TPN placed. This was something she had hoped to avoid. I sat there as she explained all that has been going on. It's enough that I wish I could go to every GI doc in the world and beg them to do more to help people with gastroparesis! We need food to survive and we need more research! After I hung up the phone I just sat there begging for G-d's help and asking "why?"
I was then reminded of a thought. I had written about this after Elijah had died. I believe it was in the book of Job, where we hear about the reference that G-d is the potter and we are the clay. I almost imagine with each of us we are all made so unique. Some of the pieces sit as they are, where as, some are painted, some get fired in the kiln (sometimes more than one), well, you get the picture. I imagine all of us are a part of that clay. We are all in different shapes and sizes. As we grow, sometimes we get bumped into, dropped, and even smashed. To us, we look broken, unsalvageable. We feel as though we are damaged goods with each blow. To us, we see nothing but a mess on the floor. Or worse yet, we feel it. Then there is G-d. He is the one who loves us unconditionally. Where we are let down time after time by loved ones, acquaintances, even strangers, He doesn't. This is hard to admit when you double over in pain. I have cried out many a time asking where He is. Sometimes He answers quickly, while others, it's as though He is silent. Silently I imagine him looking at my shattered mess, all of my hurts, my kids death's, my illness, etc. He sweeps me up into the dust pan, and just when I think He is going to throw me out, He places me on his work table. He then seems to dust off each piece of me and places me into a frame. I can't quite see the frame and I have no idea what He is doing. When out comes the little dabbles of hope/glue to stick me into this frame. I guess what I imagine is all us in our hurts, both big and small, are placed together to connect each other. In all our brokenness, He places us together to create a big beautiful mosaic picture that only He can see. What we see is broken shattered pieces, He sees a collage of beauty and color. Without Him, we are nothing but clay, dust. With Him, we become a part of a bigger picture that is even more beautiful that we can imagine. Some lives are snuffed out before they even begin, some while they are young, some while they are old, but each of them have a place, and a true purpose. A purpose that G-d knows and adores.
I am asking for some heavy duty prayers. First, for my friend Stephanie. Please pray that her body would respond to this TPN in a positive way and be able to gain weight. Also that her whole system would work as it should. I am asking for prayers for wisdom. I am supposed to go for Botox at U of M on Friday and we are trying to be obedient to what G-d wants for me. Also for prayers for G-d to show us what to do for some pretty big decisions. As always, for healing, whatever that looks like. Peace is so under rated and yet I yearn for heaps of it!
Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.
For G-d has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. 2 Tim. 1:7
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