Lord have Mercy

I am afraid of showering. Before you come up with silly remarks let me explain. My hair is falling out, rapidly. Kind of like it does after you have a baby. Each time that I wash it, after I am done, I have a webbing off dark hair entangled in my fingers. I have tried to wash it even gentler, but it seems not to make a difference. I don't know about you, but my hair has always been something that makes me feel pretty (when it cooperates). I have happy memories of going to the beauty school with my Grandmother and the women braiding my then, very long hair. A big plus with having a daughter, is being able to do her hair in styles I wish I could get away with. It brings me so much joy. I have been staying on top of vitamins and trying to make nutritious food choices to keep my body going. Still, it's not helping. To make matters worse, I weighed myself. With having the cold, I have taken extra precautions to stay on top of eating, but I ended up losing even more, dropping me below a 100 pounds. With me already struggling with swallowing coordination the cold caused my throat added inflammation causing me to feel like I was being choked for hours. Not the same kind as a panic attack, but something I can't even describe. My ENT got me in right away and was very empathetic to my situation, which I find rare in a specialist. He ended up putting a camera/tube up my nose and down my throat where he speculated throat spasms were probably the cause. Then the cold just escalated the symptoms that much more. I have been having stomach spasms as well, so I guess it's a simple enough explanation, for now. He gave me some meds to try and help release the spasm. I have also had shoulder, neck, and back spasms, but have been able to get that alleviated by our friend and Chiropractor without medication, which has be a G-d send. I just wish I could do it internally. My goal, getting healthy and getting off ALL medication. I am thankful we have it, but I went from being a party girl to a, I can't even take a Tylenol without being drowsy kind of lady. I have to be alert and available for my kids 24 hours a day. I need to know if they need me in the middle of the night, that I'll be able to help them out. On top of all those issues, as you know being sick, you don't get much sleep. After 3 days of broken up sleep, I was a wreck, both emotionally and physically. I lost it. I am already running on empty and this just sent me over the edge. I told Seth I quit eating and I am done, I just can't keep up. My mind is willing, but my body isn't able. I decided to be an ostrich and just bury myself head in the sand. I had several talks to G-d followed by silent treatment (He didn't seem to fazed by it). The kids were being kids and as usual, had left their stuff out. I asked several times for them to come and pick up their stuff. Their response was a slow saunter as they half tushed put things away. I was a kid that didn't have much growing up. I took care of what I had and cherished it (maybe a little too much), so to see the lack of care in their toys sent me reeling. I got up and flatly said, if you want me to pick this stuff up, I'll do it. But that means, I am taking it all out of here. I will donate this to other little boys and girls who want their stuff. As for the other stuff, you'll have to earn it back." Shockingly, I must have been running on adrenaline, because I gathered up their stuff and made my point. Seth came in about half way and I explained what had happened. I expected him to say I was over reacting, but instead, he agreed. Both the kids looked pretty shocked. I kept calm and just continued to work. Let's put it this way. They got the point. At first they cried, but then they just went about their business and actually started to play with each other, using their (wait for it) imaginations. I have decided my moment of insanity was actually a pretty good idea. We are going through their stuff and try maybe even sell some of it (especially the Thomas the Train stuff) since we have a ton of medical bills to pay off and almost zero storage space. We have decided that they are going to have to earn their toys back and if they aren't taken care of, they will be taken away. I probably sound like a jail warden, but I have had it. I don't think it's to much to expect a child to put away their toy once they are done playing with it. I want to raise them to appreciate things, not feel entitled. So weirdly enough, maybe some more good will come out of all this craziness (that or some therapy for years to come?) and in the end we'll see more positives than negatives. I have had some pretty bad days and I just feel so small. The panic and the fear have crept back in along with some bitterness and anger. This is a a catastrophic combination for me. All it breeds is negativity and this is the last place I need to be right now. I have been walking around saying "Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy." I probably look like a mad woman. Thankfully my kids love Michael W. Smith's song, so they just associate it with that. So I have began to call on others, something I am going to have to just accept needs to be done from time to time. I know when I don't hear from people, I just assume that everything is alright. So I am making the effort to say, I am not alright, I really need prayers. I feel like a child when I say this but, I just want to get better. I just want to be over flowing with peace and joy. I want to feel Him beside me and not question. I am having pain today. I don't know if the food just didn't digest or if it is spasms, but it's been pretty painful. In the last few minutes the burning has returned. Wooooo, I better get some aloe juice cause yowza, it's getting worse! I have to go, so I don't know if any of this makes any sense or what, I need prayers... I need a miracle.