Coming Up

It's days like the last few, that I just wish I could run up to G-d and give him a huge hug. This last weekend was one of the best I have had in months. I don't know if it's the sun being out that just lifts the mood of hope. I actually have put my make up on 4 days in a row! I know that might sound ridiculous, but to me, this is a huge achievement. Just when I thought things couldn't get better (I guess I am easy to please) Seth suggests going to the store and getting some new clothes. I have been pretty much wearing all the clothes that either I already had before all of this and some hand me overs. Things have been hanging off of me so much, that rarely I bothered even getting dressed. It was just depressing. I have really missed so much of my old "normal" life, just the everyday mundane things. I miss being able to throw my clothes, shove food in my mouth, grab the kids and go to the store, hang out with people, etc. I don't know if it was the decision of doing the J tube helped me realize, my life has changed and it isn't going to go back the way I used to, at least not right now. So I have to adjust to my new normal. I remember hearing that phrase after the kids died and I just hated it. Now I realize, it's a point of acceptance. Wishing it was different isn't going to make anything change, most of the time it just creates bitterness. So we jumped on it and went to the mall. I had to go in a wheel chair. I fought the idea of it at first, but it ended up being a wise decision. I found out I wear a double zero. It was shocking putting on clothes and seeing how much smaller I looked. Being that the clothes I have been wearing are for the winter and are much to big, I felt a false ability to be able to hide. On the other hand, it was so nice to put on a shirt and feel, normal. I look like a much more scaled down version of what I used to be, but having the clothes fit gave me a boost. We weren't able to get much, since the carriers of that size are a bit more costly and the size is hard to find. I crashed only once, and Seth was able to help me remedy the situation. It was exhausting, but rewarding. Just when I thought the good Lord had blessed me so much, He gave me an added bonus of being able to go to the park with the family. I just sat at a bench and they were only there for less than a half hour, but I got to to go!! This weather has been heavenly, truly a gift. I did find out that my food intake still is lower than where it should be, but decided to take a vacation from counting the calories. We did finally get the call from Interventional Radiology. Ironically enough, they set up my appointment on Monday the 26th, my 33rd birthday. Later that day, I'll meet with the internist to go over my progress and decisions. We still are meeting with U of M this Thursday, and I have no idea what to expect. For this appt. we have to drive out to a suburb of Detroit. All this driving is hard and I am hoping that this won't have to continue. I know I shouldn't complain, I really need the help and at least it is there. Needless to say, we are going to bundle our questions and hopefully the Lord will guide us in the direction we need to go. I find myself wondering if He has answered my prayers and that maybe I am on the road to healing. When I have good days, the pessimistic side of me wonders, when is it going to sneak up on you? I don't know if this is G-d's way of saying, I don't need the tube or, see, this is what you could be doing if you have the tube. Today, I am quite winded. I am trying to set small goals of normalcy. I had a pretty symptomatic night, last night, but was able to get through it. I am so thankful and I just want to be in the moment and enjoy it, but I also know it is crunch time. I am praying that by having these 3 appointments between U of M, Inter. Radiology, and my internist, that the Good Lord will show us what is the best decision. It's hard, when I have bad days, there isn't a doubt in my mind that the J tube is the way to go. On the good, I second guess myself. Now Aria has started in on asking when am I going to get better. I have been craving food like nobody's business. I find myself salivating at the smells of the food cooking, listening to the crunching of the food, all of it. I want it. I still am abiding by Bolthouse Farms Protein Plus, Strawberry Banana, Green Goodness, and C-Boost. I then alternate with soup with pureed baby food in it, and sometimes have a breakfast sandwich that mostly is pulverized by the food processor. Oh and some cheese and some other minor stuff I am forgetting. Let's just say, I am putting the makers of Lactaid children, through college. Tonight, I watch my family scarf down hot dogs, cheetos, baked beans, and a salad down. I felt a bit resentful. It just boggles my mind to watch how much people can eat without any repercussions. Thankful, but boggling. I so badly want to just try a burger or taco's or something crazy, but I don't dare. All I know is this is a diet that has gone haywire. I stare at fresh veggies in the magazines and just want to explode!! I am praying that maybe like Paul, that maybe this will be a scale in the eyes thing and that this will fall away and I will be renewed and things will be normal again. I still have my bad days, those days are nothing that I'd wish on my worst enemy. I am praying that G-d will change my view of things and make me be the hopeful, joyful, peaceful person that I long to be. When Seth informed me of the two doctor's appointments on my birthday it kind of took me back. As we all know, birthday's aren't what they used to be like, when we were kids. But the one thing I have always loved about my birthday was, going out to eat. Seth would let me pick out any place I want and we'd have a date night. I really get a lot of joy out of good smells and tastes, so this year will be different. I keep on reminding myself, at least I am alive, and that should be enough. It's still hard though, hard and different. I have never been one to like change. All of this has brought out a desire to really ponder the life (although I guess I have always been this way) and what I truly believe. I was baptized as a child in the the catholic church, but not as an adult. I have sat through countless baptisms at our church and figured I had done it as a baby, so I didn't need to do again. Lately I have felt a huge desire to do it. I so badly want to be able to stand in front of my community and publicly confess what I believe. Even through all of this pain and sorrow, G-d has been faithful. Even if I couldn't see his fingerprints, the fact that He sent His one and only son to die for me, is enough. I can't imagine sacrificing my child for a world of sinners, it's a concept I can't wrap my mind around. I remember reading this one book about Heaven. The author was talking about how he found it so perplexing that we focus so much on the here and now, knowing that it's only a blip on the radar for what is to come. It's so easy to get caught up in the world. I constantly worry about tomorrow and have to remind myself to enjoy today, this moment. There are no guarantees. I have been so worried about making the wrong choice about this J-tube, the what if's. I did this with Eli and things just haunt me. I know the bottom line is just picking what we think is best and going with it. I keep hoping the Lord will give me that 100% sureness I so desire, but I don't know if it will be like that. So, I give praise to make maker and creator of this magnificent life that I have been blessed to be a part of. Each sunrise and sunset that I get to be a part of, is a miracle. As always we ask for your continued prayers, and I still believe that miracle for me is out there. Most of all, I am asking for prayers of Wisdom, Joy, and Peace for me and my family. G-d is good, He is faithful, even when He is silent, He is working. I am so thankful He allows me to screw up and doesn't expect the perfection I feel I should be. Today was beautiful and I am so thankful. This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.