The Dream

As many of you already know, Aurora would be turning 8 on June 21st. Since the passing of our first born and beautiful baby girl, I have prayed to have a dream about her. Frustratingly, nothing... The years have gone by, yet it seems only weeks have passed since I last held my first born in my arms. She was so amazingly beautiful. At 3 pounds 11 ounces and 16 1/2 inches long, she rocked our world. I remember holding her so close and stroking her unbelievably petal soft skin. Trying to take in every since thing about her so that I would forget nothing. Thankfully, I remember pretty much everything about our short time with her. To hear her cry, to know her heart was beating, she was alive! For the hour and a half that she was alive, my heart had never known such a pure, unconditional love like that before. Her fingers were long and her nails were perfectly shaped ovals that looked perfect for painting pink. Her blond brown hair had little finger waves, perfect for stroking and softness I had never known. She had a perfectly shaped bow mouth with big chipmunk cheeks that all of my kids have seemed to inherit. Oh how I could go on, she was perfect! In a glow of golden light, G-d called her home. I had never experienced such love and yet such utter sorrow in my life. There is something so wrong and so unnatural about outliving your child, let alone a baby. I remember after they told me that she wouldn't make it, thinking, "it'll be sad, but G-d never gives you anything that you can't handle. It'll be fine." That is, until I held my almost full term baby girl. I can tell you my dear friends, never judge how you would handle something unless you yourself have been in that situation. There is something about judging someone elses reaction and stating how you would handle the situation. Not only is it not helpful, but it's demeaning to someone else's pain. I remember barely being able to dress myself, eat, even breathe. The whole situation seemed surreal. That part about G-d never giving you any more than you can handle, not true. Read the bible, it doesn't say it in that context. There are people that can't handle life everyday, that end their own life. I do not judge them, I have been to the bottom and I understand the pain. To tell you the truth, the only reason I didn't was because of Seth. Okay no more lecture, back to the dream!! So anyways, I prayed every night for G-d to send me a dream, anything about Aurora. Since she barely lived, I find that it's hard for me to get people to acknowledge her. I hear more about Elijah, but rarely her. And then it happened! The other night I fell asleep to awaken to two baby girls in my arms. They are newborns. I keep on checking their diapers to see if they had peed. The one baby girl does and I am relieved. So my focus shifts, to who I am assuming was Aurora. In my dream I actually get to take her home. She is alive and eats, moves, almost completely normal, yet I know my time is limited. I soak in every moment of her, fuss about her beauty and keep on checking that diaper! In the whole dream, she never goes. It sounds depressing, but people I could feel her, it was so real! It seemed like hours and I got to bask in the glow of her presence. My heart felt like it was dancing. We were at another place and I could sense people all around us, yet I wasn't aware. My focus was only on this perfect girl. I talked with her, bundled her, loved on her, ooohh my eyes are teary just thinking of it! In my dream, like in real life, she died in my arms. It was so strange as all the pain of her initial death was felt in entirety of what really happened. It was to much to bear. For those of you who have held your child in your arms with no life, you know it. It is an unmistakable feeling that is indescribable. It was excruciating. I was crying to Seth, who was also weeping with me. I just said to him, it was worth it. He nods with a smile that I have seen before. I tell him I want more children, he agrees. I look down at her and say, "this hurts, but you are worth it." I woke up weeping, almost in shock. But as I woke up, I just kept on thinking as bad as it hurt to lose her, I am so glad we had our children. They were worth the pain and sorrow, as their short lives brought much more happiness and joy than anyone will ever understand. So I ran down stairs to tell Seth and I tell him my dream. Tears are streaming down my face as I choke back the sobs. It sounds depressing, but it brought me a peaceful wholeness I have so longed to have. I got to hold my baby girl again. Even if it was physically real, it was as though my soul felt it. I tell you, it was a gift that only G-d could have sent. My little girl wouldn't be so little anymore. I imagine and think about her and Elijah daily. They are always missed and their pictures are still hung. In life or in death, they will always be our children.