Tomato

So today I am typing from my In-laws house. If any of you know me personally, you know of my horrible fears of tornados. Just typing the word makes me shudder. When I was a little girl, I was so afraid of them, that I refused to let anyone call it by name. They had to call it a tomato. Don't ask me why it brought me comfort, but it did. I remember one time, I was at my grandmother's house in Greendale, WI. They had this beautiful apple tree in the back yard that was perfect for climbing. One time, I climbed a little to high. You see, I was so small when I was younger, that someone once said "she's so little, she could ride a chihuhua and her feet wouldn't drag." Well, sometimes when you are smaller, you have to be extra fiesty to keep up with the rest of the world. Sometimes this means you get in over your head. This time I did. I climbed the highest I had ever done (it was probably 10 feet, but in my mind, I climbed Everest) so high that the air smelled sweeter, the leaves looked greener, oh and by the way, I was stuck. Yep, I didn't know how to get down. So my grandmother did what any sane person would do, she called out my worst fear, "TORNADO!" I got down so fast that I had branches slapping me in the face left and right, but I didn't care, I had to get away from the tomato!! I look back and wonder how I didn't fall or break a bone, but it did the trick. So needless to say anytime bad weather comes, my anxiety meter goes ablaze. The other night we slept through the sirens, as without my hearing aids, I hear nothing. When I let Seth know he never woke up and we could have been on our way to Oz, her replies non chalantley "but we are still here." I asked him how are we going to handle this in the future as I can't hear the sirens, he just said "we'll see." My blood is boiling with panic. So today when I heard that we were going to have severe weather, I yanked the kids out of bed an hour early and took them over to my in-laws house. Why, you ask?? We live in a 110 year old house that the basement looks like a dungeon and I wanted the kids to have something to do. So here we are and guess what, there was hardly a storm. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. To see the glass as half full, I should be thinking, eh we got an early start on today and we aren't stuck at our house. The other half of the glass calls out to me "you crazy fool! You could have slept in later and your kids wouldn't be cranky because you pulled them out of bed! Look at where your anxiety got you now! GRRRRRRRRR. Pull yourself together Kelly and repeat, "the glass is half full, the glass is half full.." I have been reading a book that my Mother in law got me for Aurora's birthday. It is called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I must admit I was a little perplexed at first, why she got it for me. But as I quizically picked up the book to read, I was amazed. Her writings are capturing how I have felt in such a graceful way. As most of you know, I tend to tell things boldly how I feel. It's not that I mean to come across that way, I just figure,life is short, tell it like it is. Anyways, I am only about half way through. It has stirred up so many emotions in such an amazing way. I encourage you to get this book to help explain grief in a real way. When I began to read, it was if she was in my mind. Not to mention, her words are written in a way it doesn't make you uncomfortable, in fact, it soothed me! As I have been reading, I have been able to revist places that happened with Aurora. It isn't depressing, instead it is awakening the feelings that I have tried so hard to express, but wasn't able to. She has such a graceful way of explaining her emotions, as mine tend to be more sharp. She speaks of how her loved ones enveloped her and accepted her feelings and I couldn't help but ponder. You see, at the time that I was pregnant with Aurora, my sister in laws were both pregnant with their first children as well. Once we found out Aurora wasn't going to make it, I felt like damaged goods. I was envious and angry . I loved my nephews (still to this day, they are so special to me)and my family, but my grief overshadowed everything. I secluded myself, as it was to painful to see everyone going about their life, while mine was falling apart. I felt like an alien, I didn't belong on earth and yet I didn't belong in heaven, I had no where to go. This may all sound very depressing, but the reality of the situation is, it's refreshing to me to see that I didn't handle myself in a crazy way, I was normal. It seems that you are looked upon as having great faith by stuffing your feelings and actually are happy that your baby died! I still don't get that, and rarely do parents say those things. So it is quite refreshing to read her thoughts followed by verses explaining her feelings. I am so glad she got me this book. It feels vindicating to see that I am not crazy for acting the way that I did and still do. I am a person who is highly sensitive and very protective, but also my heart is huge. When I see someone cry, I cry. When I see injustice, I boil with anger. When I laugh, my whole soul laughs. I do everything with great intesity. I used to be ashamed of it, but I am realizing that this is who G-d wants me to be. I am who I am . I feel and express my whole heart. Sometimes it's to overwhelming for people to be with a person like myself. But other times I find that people are relieved to meet someone like me, to say the things that no one wants to. Anyways, I am going to keep you updated on this book, stay tuned!!!