If Only...

Walking up the emerald green colored hill, I feel the grass squishing between my toes.  Birds are chirping their melodious songs, while a gentle breeze blows my hair into my face.  The sun is shining down on me and I feel it's gentle warmth.  I am wearing a beautiful white sun dress, with a wreath of pink baby roses on my head.  The hills seem to gently roll with magnificent flowering trees of pinks, purples, and white as far as my eyes can see.  Every imaginable flower is blooming and the fragrance is amazing.  I can hear everything, I don't need my hearing aids, in fact, I don't need my glasses.  As I touch my face, it is clear and smooth and nothing hurts.  I feel drawn to walk to what sounds like, a babbling brook.  All I see is a forest of blossoming trees, but I am not afraid.  I walk through the winding maze of trees as I pass by deer, chipmunks, and every woodland creature than I can imagine.  There is no fear for either side.  I walk on.  When I hear children's laughter.  It's the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.  Like a moth to fire, I begin to run.  The sound of laughter is louder and louder with each step and my chest is pounding with great anticipation.  I come over a small hill to see a gathering of children.  They are all playing around the brook in light clothing.  Some have mud on them, yet they look perfect.  I begin to scan through the children knowing they have to be here.  My eyes lock with hers.  "Mama!"Aurora says.  I stand in a amazement looking at her, she is beautiful with her brown blond wavy hair cascading down her back.  She too is wearing white, her bare feet splattered with mud.  "Elijah, Elijah Praise she's here!"  Huddled in the water, a little boy appears to be busy catching a frog or a fish.   His blond hair almost seems to shimmer in the light.  I study him as he lifts his face, it's him.  He smiles at me with his two deep dimples and his big ole blue eyes sparkle, "Mama!"  They both run to me as I run to them.   I feel our bodies collide and my heart sores like the wind.  My heart rests in a peaceful state that I have never known before...

Today is Elijah's birthday, he would have been 8.  I try hard on his birthday to not focus on the regrets, but instead on the joy and the miracle that was his life.  His life story continues to touch people even as the years go by.  Honestly, I can't imagine him being 8.  I more think of him as maybe a 4 year old, I can't figure out why.  I'm fine with it though, I like that they stay young in my memory.  I have nephews both Aurora and Elijah's age, so as they grow, I watch intently.  If they only knew how much I really watch them, I think they would be surprised.  We talk openly about them to Aria and Isaiah.  They accept them and know one day we will all be together again.  I love that they love to talk about them, there is no awkwardness, just acceptances.  I have learned not to over shoot these days with high expectations, but just to try for simple goals.  Today we got a candle.  My kids love candles, just as much as I do, so in honor of his birthday it seemed awfully fitting.   We always talked about how he smelled like vanilla cookies, so we felt that would be a fitting aroma.  The closest we found was vanilla cupcake, and everyone is pleased.  We looked through Eli's pictures with the kids as they asked questions.  Instead of birthday cake, we have root beer floats.  He tried one a week before he passed on, so it's become his thing.  It still doesn't feel normal that he isn't here, even after so much time passing.  I guess a parents love never ends.  I find myself day dreaming every now and again of what our reunification will look like and often it appears as I wrote above.   I used to beg G-d to be able to look into Heaven, even for a minute just to check on them.  I still yearn a bit.  I have been struggling with pain the last few days, physical pain, and in those times I try to go to my "happy place."  As Seth and I revisited all that has gone on since first meeting each other, I found myself in bewildered.  Seth, being the eternal optimist says "I wear it as a badge of honor.  Still don't understand how the gastroparesis part is going to pan out, but..."    I don't either.  Been trying hard to focus on the present and not dwell in the future, it's much to dangerous.  We aren't promised tomorrow, I know that full well.  I don't know how all of this will work for the Glory of G-d, only He knows.  I find the questions of the future paralyze me with fear, so I must remain in the moment that is now and the beauty of what was.   8 years ago, our son was born without kidneys, alive.  He lived for 6 1/2 amazing months.  Today we honor his memory and cling to the hope of G-d's promise, his life hasn't ended, in fact, it's just begun.  Watch, pray, believe, and always be amazed, each breath is truly a miracle.



It's been a rough patch over here lately.  I have not been eating well and the pain has increased.  I would appreciate your prayers as well as for a friend of ours, Steve.  He start Chemo this week and I know he would appreciate your prayers as well.












 











 

Our G-d is in Control

This past month has been rough. So often I find myself deep in thought, "what is my purpose?" Do you remember the song "Place in this world" by Michael W. Smith? I have been mulling it over, especially when I am struggling. This week was the hardest, emotionally. I don't need to go over specifics, but it's where I am at. Just when I always think of closing this blog down, I get messages about how I captured what a person had been thinking or struggling with. So for now, I will assume this is what G-d wants me to do. Isaiah has been really sick this past weekend, but is looking better. Aside from seeing him in so much pain, I struggled with not being the parent I wish I was. Sadly, when I am stuck on the couch, I watch a lot of TV. Not my proudest admission, but true. I used to love to read, but for now, it's hard to concentrate. I have been learning all along how persuasive the media is, but what I didn't realize, is how much guilt it sends. You know, the commercials of the tiny babies all cute and cuddly. For me, it's a reminder of all that times my babies were small and how fast they have grown up and then it makes me wish I had more, but I can't.... Or the kids that are supposed to be "sick" with a fever, and how empathetic the Mom looks at her poor child. Why don't they show the parents tearing their hair out in the middle of the night, trying to get their kid to drink the medicine while he's flailing about!? The thoughts of sheer exhaustion twisting your body into involuntary spasms of physical and mental trauma, as you dread the morning of half dead participation for the rest of the world. Seth has had to shoulder a good chunk of this burden, so I feel extra guilty. He has to work and take care of the household, sick kids, and a sick wife. So, let's just say, I haven't been Sunshine Suzy lately. I have found myself crying out to G-d a lot. It's hard to be in community when you aren't feeling well. G-d built us for it, we need it more that I have ever realized. So this week I had to do what I hate to do, ask for help. Seriously, you may not think it, but I HATE asking for help. I find myself imagining all the scenarios that people must be thinking, again. I worry how needy I must look, or worse even, an attention seeker. Bleck, I hate to even air the sentence out. I admit it, I have watched people all of my life broadcast their issues in various forms of communication. Some people are always fine, some have and escaped issue, and some just let it all hang out. Now I see things a bit differently. I think we all suffer in different ways, and I am learning more and more, how important it is, to not judge others. I have secretly thought in my head about certain people "it can't be that bad," or "here we go again." How I hate eating crow. Now looking back, I can re-assess what I once wrongfully judged and realize, that must have been so hard. I wish I could hunt down all of these people and just apologize for my behavior. I wish I would have just hugged them and said "I'm sorry." The other day I went to a meeting and at the end of the meeting, one of the women just walked up to me and hugged me and said that very thing to me. I burst into tears and sobbed. I hardly know her, yet her simple words shattered my icy heart. Mostly, I am realizing how hard I am on myself. I have entangled myself into expectations that I can not fulfill. I am grieving this. I am grieving over the person I thought I was going to be. Now this leaves me with a big, now what? I will never be the Proverbs 31 wife. I will never be Maria, from the Sound of Music. I will never be??? Most people by 33 have a career, or at least a direction that their life is pointed in. I had always imagined I would finish college before getting married. I honestly didn't think I would have children, I just wanted to adopt. Then I met Seth and that all changed. I had kids and that all changed. Then I thought, once the kids are in school I'll go back to school.... Now I am being shown that I need to stop living in the future, once again. I need to live today, right now, in this hour. It's so hard to. It seems like we are raised to plan? Am I not right? I found myself this week struggling to keep my head above water, when an article or a news cast tells of someone else overcoming way more than I can even fathom, positively. Then I find myself feeling inspired with a twist of self loathing for not being like that. The person I thought I was, doesn't exist. I don't know if this stems from all the trauma I have went through, the chronic illness, or if it's a 30 something mid life kind of crisis? We have to go back to U of M on Monday, lately I just don't like to go. It once was a place of such hope, but right now, it's more of a nuisance. Then I want to just smack myself on the back of the head and say "hey lady, at least you have health care! Medical technology is improving every day. G-d is working every day." Then I hear this tiny voice inside of me that says "I'm just scared, be kind to me." I have been fighting so hard, for so long, and this petite frame is worn out. I had a wonderful friend that took time out of her day, to sit with me, to listen to me, to cry with me, it was more precious than gold. Today, for the first time in over a month, I woke up with a little blossom of hope. I am praying it blooms into a forest. I don't understand why at times I must travel so deep into depths of mire, but I feel myself hanging on. I hear the whisper of "where is your G-d?" I instantly fill up with a burning embers all around me thinking "how dare you! G-d is real! He is the creator, the one true living G-d!" As I see all of these protests breaking out all around the world in the name of disgracing Islam. I can't help but think, could we really be living in the end of days? I know every generation has been taught this, but could it be time? Where do I stand with all of this? Do we keep quiet to keep peace, or do we shout out "The G-d of Abraham, Isaac, Israel, of Jesus, is the one true living G-d!" When do we cry out "enough." What will I say if they come knocking at our door to ask what side we are on? I am realizing that battle for my soul is more evident than I have ever realized. Wow, I guess I had some stuff bubbling under the surface. I always end each post with asking for prayer, for healing, peace, courage, and strength. I pray for G-d to guide my footsteps but also for peace for the rest of this world, I ask for prayers for those on the front lines of all of this. While I don't understand why there is suffering in this world, I must hang on to this, Our G-d is in Control. Here is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, I hope it helps you for whatever hard day you have had and know that you are loved and never are alone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoAYb8YmCwQ&feature=related

Little Guy

Isaiah finally started school this past week. He has eagerly been anticipating the huge step of entering the 1st grade. It blows my mind how fast he is growing. It won't be long before he is taller than me, in fact his feet are almost as big as mine! He loves his school and is eager to get up early in morning. Seth has been waking him up and is able to see him before he goes to work. Isaiah is just loving it! I used to be like he is, a night owl/early bird. Now I am just a night owl that is trying to recapture the early bird in me. So far I have failed to catch the worm. Seth keeps on reminding me not to get to discouraged, that it takes a while to change a habit (let alone one I have been utilizing for several years) to get back into the swing of things. One of the huge obstacles that I have been dreading, the germ factor. Sure enough, it has reared it's ugly head. You have to understand before Eli, germs were not even on my mind. Now that I have gastroparesis, it has really messed with my immune system. So what used to be a fear, is now truly a huge issue. I am still trying to recover the pounds that I had gained and then lost with the shingles. I had worked so hard to gain those pounds and was actually starting to feel glimmers of energy! Needless to say, I have been feeling extremely down. Physical health really does impact mental health. I noticed Isaiah had been coughing a bit on the first day of school, I just attributed it to allergies. By Thursday I noticed him looking a bit disheveled. I kept on trying to tell myself it was probably just the lack of sleep and that he'd be fine. Yet deep inside I felt "the twang." I believe every Mom has this. You know that feeling? Something isn't right and yet you just can't put your finger on it but it just digs at your insides? This week had been really hard on me, so I have been really looking forward to Friday. I woke up to find Isaiah looking like a train wreck. I had asked Seth if I could keep him at home, but Seth felt I was over reacting. Reluctantly, I sent him off to school. My mother guilt set in as I realized I had sent him in shorts (mind you knowing he wasn't feeling good) and it was pretty cool outside. Then the phone rang. I thought it was Aria's school calling to set up a get together and it didn't even register when the secretary was trying to tell me to come get Isaiah. I actually was puzzled and had to ask her what was going on. She told me that he was running a fever and I felt my blood run cold. Yes, I know for you seasoned mothers, this is just every day life. For me, selfishly it's a health issue. Simple illnesses are knocking me on my tush. On top of that, Isaiah is a tough cookie to care for when not feeling well (his future wife has her work cut out for her) and last night, was not good. We thankfully were able to get him into the doctor's office the same day. Seth thought I was nuts, since he figured it to be a simple cold. Little did either of us realize, he wasn't able to fully take a deep breath. The doctor tried several times to take a deep breath when they realized he has fluid in his lungs. Long story short, our nebulizer is running full force. So he is now on 2 steroid treatments and we are pooped out. He was pretty much inconsolable last night and kept on screaming. We felt so helpless to see him curled in ball, his face was ghostly pale and his little chest was retracting with each breath. Mind you, he normally seems so big to me. Last night, he turned into our little guy, just helpless. We prayed over him while running back and forth with each breathing treatment and supplies. Aria was so upset that we cut her off from playing with him. Today he seems to be a little better than last night, but still is no where near himself. We are asking for prayers that he'd heal from this quickly. The doctor has orders for back up if we run into issues and I am praying we won't need them. I know it sounds silly, he's a healthy kid but my thought's always go to the "what if's?" Some may say it's a waste of energy, but I think for those who have walked in similar situations as us know, well we just think differently. It doesn't help that this had hit his breathing so hard. I don't think our kids will ever comprehend the magnitude of our love for them. Also for prayers for the rest of us. Seth and I are exhausted and the stress hasn't helped us any. I am praying for strength, courage, and energy, with a huge dose of peace. We appreciate all of your prayers. Aria is supposed to start preschool on Monday and frankly, I think she might throw us to birds if we don't let her go. They both are such sweet kids and so full of forgiving love. It's amazing to see how the simple issues of life can cause such havoc! Not to mention how precious good health really is. If you have good health, consider yourself doubly blessed, it truly is a treasure. Better get back to the not so little guy. Hopefully my hair doesn't turn white by the end of the year;)

The Power of 12

Today Seth and I celebrated twelve years of marriage, in the ER. I just have to laugh because it all seems so silly. Seth loves it when I write about my feelings for him and it's my little gift to him each year. I don't know how most peoples brains work. Mine works like a movie player. I see, smell, taste, or just plain out have a memory and it flashes back. It's like I am sitting in a theater watching my life memories, it's kind of cool. I don't need to go into all the details of these past few weeks, but basically I came down with the shingles. I am 33!! I thought this was something you get later in life, but after speaking to several people, it's more common than I realized. Bottom line, they stink. I officially feel like Job, except I am not holy and blameless, but you catch my drift. They hurt, my body aches and burns, and now the already fatigued body, is running on E. So I have literally been crying out to the Lord. I am too tired for anger, I am just sad. I had plans for this last week of summer to do some extra special things with the kids, to make memories. I am realizing that they are now at the ages that my earliest memories were forever formed. I have been watching a lot of TV, as my mind can not seem to focus on books. I have been running into interviews about people and how their early child hood really shaped them. Some had parents divorce and leave, some had a parent die, and some had a parent that was sick. I sit there watching each movement of their face as they begin to choke up and release their deepest feelings about their lives. It gets me thinking about my kids. I can't help but always think about how they are going to remember this time in their lives. Will it shape them for the better? Will there be resentment? Do they feel abandoned or scared? Or are they having fun, hopping from family and friends homes? All I know is each time I leave for an unexpected hospital visit, I try to smother them in kisses. I try to tell them how much I prayed for G-d to give us another baby, how sad we were when Eli and Rory died. But then He sent us the two of them. I try to cup their faces in my hands and tell them how wonderful they are. Movies in my mind flash back to the day we found out we were pregnant, the day they were born, the day they first smiled at me. Also the day that I first got frustrated when they wouldn't sleep, the day they got sick and couldn't tell me what was wrong, the day they decided my cooking wasn't for them. So many memories for me, but what about them? Today my thoughts went back to our wedding day, 12 years ago. My biggest thought on my mind was, if Seth was going to change his mind and leave me at the alter. My shoes were too small and I literally had both of my parents on each side of me as I walked down the aisle for a beautiful moment, but a secret, my shoes were too tight to walk in!! Never order shoes for your wedding without knowing your size ladies! I remember looking at my handsome man as I blushed walking down the aisle. I remember thinking our life was going to be so easy, we'd be through the hard stuff, so smooth sailing from here on out. I snagged my man! We had incorporated some Jewish customs from my Mother's side. One of them was the stepping on of the glass. The groom crushes it with his feet to symbolize it being the worst of your problems, and that life would be good. Kind of hard to explain, but... So I can still see Seth stepping on it and hearing the crunch of the glass and thinking, we are so in love, there won't be any problems. I see that naive girl with dreams dancing in her head, my rose colored glasses that might as well have been contacts, I was so naive. I miss being naive. I miss that girl. She was so full of spunk and chutzpah. I knew what I wanted, when I wanted, and that was it. Now I can barely choose between the big spoon or the small spoon. I see Seth and I, gazing into each others eyes as we recited our vows. Sweat dripping down our backs due to the unexpected heat and lack of air conditioning in the church. Nothing could go wrong, we had each other. 12 years have come and gone in what seems like such a short amount of time. We all go through struggles in every season of our life, but nothing prepared me for what has happened in the last 12. I am thankful for my faith, as shaky as it can be, I believe my G-d is fully alive and working in everything. He got us through these last 12 years. He gave me a husband that truly has honored every single vow and then some. As our children died, I kept on having this fear that he'd leave me for a woman that didn't have a syndrome. He never did, instead Seth loved me more. This last year, as sick I have been, and let's face it, being sick does not equal beautiful. He would carry me, feed me, wash me, and love me through each wicked day. When I didn't have the will to live, I cried out to G-d to show me Himself. There would appear my husband, to wipe away each of my thousands of tears. When I look at Seth, I see the person I wish I could be. He truly acts as though a true follower of G-d. So many people that hate Christians for their Pius attitudes yet are hypocrites haven't met Seth. He is not perfect, nor would he ever claim to be, he just loves people. He wants to make everyone happy and that makes him happy. Today as we were getting ready to go to the ER, panic set into my fragile body. I was in the shower and I just began to sob. I felt his hand on my back and he gently rubbed my back and I blubbered my fears out. He held my hand in the car as we drove. He sat by my side as we waited for the doctors. He even tried to make me laugh as I am sitting in the bed on the verge of nervous break down as I am listening to people retching outside the door. I had prayed to G-d, to show Himself today and He did. We still don't know what is going on with my health, but we are being referred back to U of M (Dun dun dun DUN!) surprise. As I cried to Seth and apologized to him for wasting all of his hard earned money on endless doctor appts, hospital stays, surgeries, medicine, special food, etc. He just smiles and says, "I don't care about that. I just want you here with me." Looking at our home, or the clothes that we wear, van that we drive, piles of medical papers, you might look at us and think we aren't well to do. The truth is, I am rich. I am rich to have a G-d that loves me so much, who puts up with my continuous tantrums, bouts of distrust, the questions, the whining, yet He still sends me the most amazing man I could have ever have dreamed of. He is not just my husband, but he is truly my best friend. I have the most beautiful children, all 6 of them and I have been blessed enough to be called their Mom. I am loved by both sets of our parents, who have poured out their hearts by helping us in any way that they can. As well as friends, acquaintances, and even strangers who impact our lives in such amazing ways. While I hit really hard lows of self pity, anger, and despair, and "why me's" G-d always seems to send the right people in at the right time. I don't know why I haven't been healed yet, but I still believe that G-d could do it at any point and time. He may choose not to. Either way, I have been eating quite a bit of humble pie. Even though a good many days, satan convinces me I am so unlucky, unlovable, and I am being punished. There comes a delayed knock on the heart of my soul that show me through the looking glass, I am loved. Happy Anniversary Seth, I got to marry the love of my life, I have won the lottery of life. Whether it be for 12 years, 30 or 50, however long we live, we won the ultimate dream of finding our other halves. I thank the G-d of all hope, the G-d of Israel, the one true living G-d for providing this truth to me. All praise goes to our G-d, who on our darkest hours, will not forsake us.