Thoughts

So tomorrow is the big day that I have been waiting for. I have my scope in the afternoon and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all week. I feel like I am wrestling with myself. I have found myself reflecting on my whole life and what is to come. This whole thing with our economy tanking is a side thought. Normally I'd be freaking out and trying to figure out what is going on. This time, I leave it to G-d. I haven't really felt this way since Elijah died. This whole thing with my health has reminded me how limited my control really is, yet how big G-d is. I admit it, normally I am a complainer. I am a justice seeker with a twist of passion, so naturally it bothers me when things aren't fair. At this point, I no longer look at what is fair, but what is good. I'm not going to lie and say that I am not scared or worried, it's just, different. Just reading the headlines is pretty sad. Everyone is so worried about money and what they "deserve." Yet you look at Texas and Africa and the severe droughts and how people and animals are starving to death. All of the sudden, not getting what I want seems so pointless. Aria has her birthday coming up, and we were trying to think of what to do. I just looked at Seth and said, all that really matters is that we are together as a family, together. Aria would just be happy to eat a sweet and play around and see everyone smiling. So I threw out the idea of a theme and I am just letting it be. This is pretty big for me as I am hugely OCD in making everything match. It all seems so silly. She has more toys than any child in a third world could ever imagine, besides, she just loves to play. I remember when Seth and I first got married and went on to our honeymoon, we promised each other on our 10th anniversary that we'd do it again. Last year, we celebrated our ten years with a smile that we'd made it. We didn't go on the trip and I felt a tinge of regret that we couldn't do anything. Now as we approach our 11th, all I can think is, as long as we are together, it doesn't matter. So what if our van rattles, our car door is about to fall off, we have one bathroom, and tiny kitchen, so what! I have obsessed for years and wasted my time in not enjoying that we have a kitchen, at least we have a bathroom, we have 2 vehicles!! Yes, I wouldn't be human if things in life didn't irk me, but really, I should have been focusing on all that I have been blessed with, instead of what I thought I deserved. We live in a fallen world, so technically if we have more good days than bad, we should be dancing our socks off in praise to the Lord, instead of grumbling. My anxiety hasn't been this high since Elijah was sick. I can't help but think about the procedure and the what if's. More than anything I told Seth last night, I feel like a coward. I remember after our kids passed not being afraid of death. In fact, I wanted to go with them. Why should I be afraid? If I die, I get to go to Heaven, be with my kids and dwell in the house of our Lord forever! Yet I can't shake, but what if I don't get in? Not to mention the process of death itself. We have been at it's bedside many times, and it wasn't pretty. Not to mention the selfish side of me, of maybe my kids not remembering who I was, except an cranky Mom who didn't play well. I am afraid of being forgotten. Or if I am remembered, would it be for good things? I told Seth if he remarries, she isn'a allowed to be buried with us. He just rolls his eyes at me. Stupid and selfish, I know. This life isn't about me. I know some people might have the same symptoms as me and not even think twice about each lab result or procedure. Maybe I am dramatic? I guess I have learned we aren't exempt from anything. I am hoping to get this procedure done and them say, "well duh! This is the issue, all you have to do is..." And then I come back giving the results while maybe someone might be thinking, man she worked herself up for nothing. Yes, I hope that is what happens. I have found myself staring at the kids and just feeling the tears roll down my cheeks to see how beautiful and articulate they really are. How we almost didn't have them out of fear that they might get have BOR syndrome. G-d blessed us. They almost remind me of balls of light, such light encircles their every movement as they delve into excitement for each little act of play that they do. They laugh from their bellies, just like me, it's contagious. My husbands cares for my every single need trying to make me feel as comfortable as possible, no matter how tired he is. Our parents have rescued us on so many occasions when I haven't been able to get out of bed. Our friends and family call and leave messages just to check up on me, to see if I need anything, or to feed my family. All I can do, is rejoice in their sweetness and as for prayers. Last night I had severe pain that came on quickly, it has stayed on, of course I prayed. In the pain I am trying to find something good, I have never done this before. At heart I am a fighter, but have grown so weak that it hasn't been in me. So I have laid down and handed the fight to my Lord and decided to rest in His shelter. He will take care of me, 24 hours from now, hopefully I will have good answers that will have me on the road to recovery. I praying that the Lord will continue to bless me with the sight of all that is good. I am praying for total healing and peace. I am praying for deep faith. I am praying I don't run out of the procedure room screaming "don't give me medicine!!! running down the street like a crazy lady, with no pants on!" So right now if you find yourself dealing with difficult children, a grumpy spouse, a huge slew of bills, anger, depression, whatever it be, I encourage you to lift your hands to G-d and talk with Him, but also thank Him for all the things you never think of like running water, shelter, clothes.... Also if you could say a prayer for me, that I would feel nothing but peace and I'd come out of this unscathed. Also if you could say a prayer for a friend of mine, who is waiting to find out if the little girl that they adopted has leukemia. Another prayer for a couple friend of ours, whose husband is battling cancer and is going in for another round of chemo on Thursday. Prayers are heard and are necessary. Maybe you are like me and feel you don't add much to the world, you can do something drastic just praying for others. May you see the beauty in each day, the beauty in each smile you see, the tastiness in each bite you eat, the joy in just being alive. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed, because G-d made you special.