I think I might be able to type for a little bit, so let's give it a try. Aria had her birthday on the 19th and turned the big 2. For any of you who are parents, you know that each birthday ends up being a reflection on the years past. As I look at my 2 year old, who now resembles more a of a little girl than a baby, I can't help but think about how far we've come. I remember talking to Seth about having another child. It's hard being in our situation, as we are not asked when we are going to have another child. I can't count how many times I have heard people ask couples "when are you going to have another one?" So full of joy and excitement. That doesn't happen with us. Sometimes I wish we had never told anyone about my genetic syndrome. It makes me feel like damaged goods, worse, that Aurora and Elijah were as well. Sometimes with the improvement of science becomes a greater need to create the perfect "normal." Some might say, they can't handle watching us be sad again, or that they worry. I understand what they are saying, but every day that we get in a car, we are running a risk. Everything we do is a risk. If we don't take risks, we never know what it feels like to truly succeed. Isn't a reward for something that you worked for so much better than something that was just given? Well, with that, Seth and I have had to rely on G-d instead of peoples input. We prayed and prayed, and G-d answered clearly. I have never been a big believer of people who say "G-d told me to ..." I find myself thinking, yeah it was G-d that told you, hmmm. But after diligently praying, He answered. Seth and I both had a vision of a little girl with dark hair. All of our kids have been blond, so this was quite a stretch. We prayed some more, just to be sure. He never changed His mind, G-d kept true to his promise. So 2 years before out came Aria with dark brown hair. Seth and I stared in shock and awe. The only thing we could think was "we weren't crazy!" Aria was a dream come true. She was easy going, full of smiles, and everything you could want in a baby girl. From day one, I put bows in her hair. Every day I do her hair in as many different ways as I can imagine, without her looking silly. She actually loves her toes to be painted and holds real still. Any time I do my makeup, she sits with me and copies me (except for the time she took a bite out of my lipstick) and looking on with sheer excitement. She loves playing dolls and is holding true to her name Aria, our child of music that Blossom's more and more each day.
At the same time, she has her Mama's spunk and stubbornness. If you get in her way, she will take you out! My sweet little baby girl has now turned into a kung foo kicking, banshee screaming, arms and legs flailing, two year old. I have found if you look at her the wrong way, she will sob and swing her arms violently while I stand there is sheer confusion of "what just happened?" We have started time outs and Lord Almighty, Heaven and Earth can hear the screams of her scolding us in her baby babble of how unfair the world is. But then the next minute she has her arms and legs wrapped tightly around my body while saying "mmmmmmm" in my ear. I told Seth that if this is even a teeny bit of what it is going to be like when she is a teenager, I am afraid! Well, my sweet baby is just vocalizing her opinion, just like her mama, can't fault her for that. On her birthday we had a small tea party with my parents and great grand parents. My parents brought over some fancy tea settings while we served blueberry tea and had cookies on my Grandma Bar's tea set platter. I made little finger sandwiches consisting of tuna salad and our favorite, olive nut. We all wore silly party hats and it was low key and lovely. I was going to post pictures, but our computer has had some issues, but I'll get them on when I can. I can't help but look at Aria and wonder what Aurora would have been like. Would they look and act similar or would they be polar opposites? I don't know what it is out your kids growing out of that baby stage that makes you get bitten by the baby bug. Seth and I have been discussing having another, whether it really is an option or not. What is it about summer that brings out that feeling. Being that we belong to such a large church, you can't help but smile at the Moms snuggling their newborns in their slings. Seth and I nudge each other and smile, only to see Aria throw herself on the ground, flopping like a fish out of water, because she wanted to go left not right. Hmmm, maybe we need to think about this some more (tee hee!) Aria has now left the baby section of clothing, she is no longer considered a baby, but instead a toddler. So long 24 months matchy cutsie clothing, and hello 2T, teeny bopper wannabee clothes (can you hear me sighing?) I must say it's been pretty awesome see her going from learning to talk to singing, scooting to running, building to now nurturing her dolls. Soon we will be playing Barbies and House, but each day will be a new day of girly excitement. Is this the little girl I carried? Is this the little girl at play? I don't remember growing older, when did she?
Hey all! So sorry I haven't posted. I have so much to tell you about Aria's birthday and so on. Unfortunately, I have messed up my neck and back something awful and can't type very well. I have another doctor's appt. tomorrow to see what the next step is. As soon as I can type better, I will fill you in. I have so much to say and my finger won't cooperate, grrrrr!
Lately I have been praying to G-d to help me with my parenting skills. I have never seemed to be blessed with patience, which as you know, you need to have with children. With all of the stress going on, it is easy not put the kids aside and tackle whatever thing needs to be attended to. Knowing that Aria's birthday is only a couple of days away, I have found myself reflecting on how quickly the baby stage has passed. When I hold her, she is actually half the size of me, maybe even a little longer. Sniff, sniff. I don't know how many more children G-d will bless us with, so of course you find yourself trying to hang on to each moment and memorize it. It won't be long before they don't want to hang out with Mommy and Daddy. We may even end up being called (dare I say it) Mother and Father (Lord, NO!!) So while I easily get frustrated that they aren't listening or acting like little adults (because we all know a 2 and 4 year old have that ability, NOT! ) I have to remind myself to just let them be kids. That time goes by so quickly and they need to have the freedom to make messes, eat dirt, let dogs lick them in the face (my stomach is churning), and even take leaps off the couch or picnic table to see if they can fly. I have been doing my own therapy of trying to let them go a little more each day. I think I will always be more protective than most, but I needed to loosen the strings and let G-d protect them. I guess I am always so afraid they are going to die (something us parents who have lost kids always seem to carry) that I almost suffocate the fun out of them. So today I loaded them up and started a movie to which Isaiah and Aria sang/screamed the song to Veggietales as we drove along. I almost never go downtown by myself as I still get lost easily. I actually got stuck going round and round in a turn about and ended laughing as the kids yelled "weeeee go faster Mom!" As we pulled up to the Farmer's Market I said a prayer to G-d, to ask Him to see this from a kids perspective. So we stopped at each new veggie or fruit and talked about it. Isaiah seemed fascinated with the purple tomatoes and even was offered one by someone who had very dirty hands. Guess what? I let him eat it and I ate one! I know I am so wild and crazy! But it was a huge step for me. Aria happily watched all the people go by while occasionally trying to grab a piece of produce when I wasn't looking . The weather was perfectly cool with a hint of a breeze as the sun beat down on us. I felt, calm. Something I haven't felt in a while. I even got several compliments from the vendors saying that they hadn't seen kids their age so well behaved in a while. I gently rubbed Isaiah's head and felt all glowy inside. After walking up and down the market and talking about all the "fun foods" we decided to visit Seth unexpectedly at work. Both kids squealed in delight as I asked them if they wanted to go. Of course Seth was shocked that we showed up and was so excited. Isaiah begged Seth right away "Daddy take me to go see the robots!" He jumped up and down with an anticipation and elation that of someone who just won a million dollars. Aria reached out her arms pleading to Seth to come and carry her. Both kids kept on hugging us and just seemed so happy. I couldn't get over the simplicity of the situation, yet their joy was overflowing. I thought to myself, how many times have we done this and I never truly let myself be in the moment. Instead it's race here, get that done quickly, it wasn't good enough, it didn't go the way I planned. What a waste! Now I see what they mean about just slowing down. Sometimes we are so busy that we are thinking about the next moment before finishing the one we are at. They didn't want any fancy toys, they didn't care that we weren't at the park, they just loved seeing something different and being with Mom and Dad. So we went in a watched to robots move. Isaiah stared in a amazement while Aria clung to Daddy like the little Monkette that she is. We got to see his bosses dog, who yep, you guessed it, licked Isaiah on the mouth. I about threw up. I so badly wanted to reach for the hand sanitizer, but instead let him giggle in delight. Score two for Kelly (not that I plan on allowing this to happen frequently) So after visiting Seth, we came home and they got to play in the yard with chalk. I watched them as they happily chattered with one another. They seem so close. I have been so blessed to have kids that rarely ever pick on each other and seem to enjoy each others company. Lately I have been finding Isaiah reading to Aria and teaching her things as she repeats them back. Last night Seth and I were lying in bed. Seth says "I feel so bad, our 10 year anniversary is coming up, and we can't even really do anything." Normally I am not a person that really cares about anniversary's but there is something to be said about being married for 10 years after having 2 children pass away, especially when the geneticist walks in and says the divorce rate for one child passing away is 75% . We have had our apartment burn down within 5 months of being married, Seth's job burning down and trying to rebuild it. Our son being diagnosed on the Autistic spectrum, and the list goes on. I always joke, they could make a soap opera out of the events that have happened to us. We had originally planned to go up to Traverse City a year ago, but it really can't happen. As we both sighed I told him, "it doesn't matter what we do or where we go, whether you win a million dollars or are homeless on the street, I just want to be with you and the kids. As long as we are together, that's all that really matters." I really mean that. G-d has been really showing me how to stop and really appreciate what we so longed for as Aurora and Elijah passed away. I promised Aurora, Eli, and myself that I would only chase and hang on to what truly matters. I need to live for them, the way they never got a chance to do. In my old Kelly self, I don't and won't go down with out a fight. I haven't forgotten kids, Mommy is still hanging on. Thanks be to G-d, for He is amazing.
Man, the days seem to pass by so quickly. It seems like there are never enough hours in the day. Hmmm, let's see where to begin. Isaiah was able to go to a free gymnastics class. He really enjoyed himself. He got to jump on a trampoline and leap into this giant foam pit over, and over again. We have been debating how to get him to listen more to direction from adults and thought this might be up his alley, as he's been standing on his head, since I can remember. At one point two other little boys in the class were crying and Isaiah ran over to try and comfort them (such a sweetie). A veteran gymnast noticed Isaiah was getting quite brave and offered a huge jump from a ledge 4 or 5 feet in the air. I really didn't think he'd do it, but he did! You should have seen the look of sheer pride in his face that he braved a jump that few of the other children in his class even attempted. Once he did it, he wanted to do it over and over again. Later that evening, out neighborhood celebrated National Night Out. This is where you have a fire truck come out and spray water on the kids while teaching them about fire and street safety. The kids had a blast and were soaked when they got home. Isaiah seems to be a bit of a comedian. The other day we were getting ready to have "reading time" when Sesame Street came on. He looks at me and says, "Hey Mom, it's Sesame Bagel! HA HA!" We both busted out laughing, as he cracked his first joke and it actually made sense (we eat lots of bagels and sesame happens to be on of my favorite!). I said "Good one Isaiah!" And he replies "Get it Mom, Sesame bagel!" Of course we are rolling on the couch in laughter, while Aria is laughing but can't quite figure out what is so funny. Isaiah is becoming quite the conversationalist. You can talk to him almost about anything and he can keep up pretty well. I ended up throwing out my neck horribly and it lasted for over a week. Isaiah would come up and kiss me on the neck and ask me if I felt any better. He really seems to be understanding when someone is hurt or sad and is reciprocating with soothing techniques. He also is doing splendidly in Sunday School. He is making an effort to join in with other kids and not always talking about the solar system anymore. He even came and told us about Moses and the Burning Bush and that the bushes voice was G-d's. I have grown so impressed with his way of communicating and understanding, that sometimes I think of him as a little adult. Although I have to quickly remind myself when he is teasing Aria or screaming when she takes something away, that he is in fact, only 4. Aria is going to be 2 on Thursday. It blows my mind that she isn't going to be 4 as it feels like she has always been here. She sang the tune from "veggietales" to her Sunday school helpers today. I have noticed that if she hears a song even once, she tends to sing it over and over again. Her name is so fitting, as she is blossoming with music. It's been an interesting few months, as I seem to have been bitten by the "green eyed monster." I have never really been a jealous person. Sure I have wanted things, or wished I looked this way or that, but all in all, it was fleeting. Unfortunately, I think I have been watching to much News. The whole economy plummeting has fed into my fears and shot my anxiety through the roof (hence my shoulders swelling up so I looked like a football player on steroids!) With Seth's job downsizing and all the other life events, my fear of not having enough has really sunk in. I don't know if any of you have this, but it is really annoying. I have been clinging to verses about not worrying about tomorrow and so on (I can't think of them off the top of my head). Thankfully our wonderful pastor has been doing sermons on Fear, in the last two weeks. Boy did it hit home. I have had to remember back to when our children died. I would look out the window and see people scrambling around to get their "stuff." People would talk about their latest gadgets or things they have come to own and I would only think, this doesn't matter. All that matters is that I want my children back. We have many friends throughout the years that we have met, unfortunately due to the loss of a child. Some are wealthy, others aren't, but all of them said the same things. Nothing material matters. In the end your things will go out of style or break, or something better will come along making your latest gadget obsolete, but your kids, spouse, those that love you are going to be the only things that matter. I have had family and friends who say to us "how can so much always be happening to you?" I have often asked G-d that myself. Sometimes I wonder if it's punishment, sometimes I wonder if it's some sort of form of "shaping us," or is it that He really thinks we can handle it and we need to be an example. I still haven't gotten my answer. For now, I am praying that G-d shows me His will for us. If that means giving up our house, or giving up this or that, then I must submit, because maybe there is something better around the corner. I won't say it is easy, I won't say I don't get angry and cry, but I will say, G-d will take care of us. I just hope I can honor Him in all of this. We have been in the desert before and each time he has brought us to an oasis. We now have beautiful children in Heaven and beautiful children on earth, we have each other, and we have love. I may not be rich, but I am a loving wife, protective mother, loyal friend, and mostly a daughter of G-d. He loves us and will never forsake us. While I don't understand all His ways, I must trust and hang on, after all, life is a wild ride.
Seth was able to take a vacation day yesterday. We dedicated it to the kids and tried to get them out and about. First, we went to the Blanchford Nature Center. It was pretty humid and there wasn't as many stroller accessible trails as we had hoped. Isaiah almost ran off the side of a very high and steep drop (he doesn't have depth perception and I am almost sure he doesn't have peripheral vision) and I about had a heart attack. After that, we decided it may be time to go. They did like seeing the turtles, frogs, and wild birds, so it wasn't a total loss. They also had a bobcat, but all we saw was it's tush, so I don't know that the kids believed us. We then went to a school play ground. It was in a nice area, so we were pretty surprised to see broken glass and explicit profanity on the equipment. As soon as we started to realize that Isaiah was noticing, we thought it was time to go. We did some more things as a family, but the day went to fast. I love having Seth at home. I never would have imagined that after almost 11 years of being together that we would still be so close. He is truly my best friend. He just has such a gentle and loving spirit that seems to melt away most of my anxieties. He is the most amazingly patient dad. He seems to love my protective nature, so it all balances out. As I have said previously, we have many decisions to be made. Seth has been working at his job for 11 years. He loves his job, but has reached as high as he can get. The machining industry is so iffy, you just don't know what the next week will bring. Our home is 110 years old and has lost a lot of it's value due to the economy. We have been advised by our financial mentor, to walk away. It needs so much work, and instead of raises at his job, we have had to take major paycuts and insurance hikes, as the business has been hanging on by a thread for a while now. We love our home, and feel obligated not to abandon our responsibility, yet at the same time, we are struggling so hard. We have spoken to several people with financial integrity, that have assured us, we have done nothing wrong. The economy has done us in. I have found myself crying a lot as I am so worried about what the future will bring. As we are approaching our 10 year anniversary we have had our apartment burn down, 2 children have passed away, 2 miscarriages, financial struggles that have been ongoing. So much so, I have actually have had one person say "what else is new." Almost as if I should be used to the financial struggle and not even mention it, as it apparently is annoying to hear about. Amazing. It almost seems as if you have a struggle in your life whether it be debt, a loss of a loved one, divorce, substance abuse, etc, apparently you are supposed to keep it to yourself as it makes other uncomfortable? I find this shocking, as most of this seems to come from fellow "Christians." Last I checked, Jesus talked about supporting others, entering into their pain, supporting without fail. Not to mention, any devout follower in the bible didn't have a perfect life in fact, they were pummeled with trials and tribulations. In this day and age, it seems if you are considered a Christian, you are supposed to put a big smiley face on and be okay with everything and have little feelings because Jesus came. I want to shake these people. Jesus wept in the garden and asked G-d to change His mind. He overturned the tables in the church in anger for justifiable reasons, he embraced those that no one else in society wanted to be around. If He was here right now, do you think he'd be at all our churches or buying a house in the suburbs? I don't think so. I think he'd be in the hospitals, down at the soup kitchens, he'd be in the places most people would be ashamed or afraid to go to. So why is when we announce our troubles, we are shunned for fear of being an embarrassment or failure? G-d made us to have emotions. Having Jesus come did not change that. Because he came, we can have hope in these turbulent times, but it doesn't change the fact that we will embrace our human tendencies. We will never be perfect, so why pretend? Why not wrap our arms around each other and support each other instead of doling out the advice, criticism, judgement, not to mention followed by gossip! Grrr, it makes me boil in anger. I admit, I am not perfect. I too have done these things, but it's not to late to change. I always joke with Seth, at least you know I didn't marry you for your money! We just laugh and laugh. It scares me to wonder what is going to happen next. We have worked so hard, just be able to carry living children, that we never thought about the economy. Yet as scared and worried, and yes, sometime I feel that we have failed. I wouldn't trade my life with Seth for all of the financial security in the world. If I have to go without, there is no one in the world that I would rather have then him, by my side. We may not have much in financial means, and I admit, every day fear creeps in, but I have been trying hard to focus on my love for my little family. Late at night as we tuck the kids into their beds and Seth has drifted off to sleep, I can't help but feel like we are lucky ones. While each day is filled with anxiety, fear, anger, I keep on trying to remind myself, we have been through worse. I don't want to lose our home or worry about bills or food, but if I had to, at least we are healthy and we have each other. In my darkest panic, that seems to be when G-d sends Aria or Isaiah to come and sit in my lap for no reason or have Seth call from work, just to remind me that he loves me. As we approach decisions about leaving the state to find a new way of living, I am trying hard to remember, it is all in G-d's hands. Where ever he leads us, no matter how hard, I am putting my trust in Him. It doesn't mean I won't go kicking and screaming, but as long as we are together, we'll find a way. I keep holding on for miracles. I know He gives them when you least expect it, and I am clinging to that hope now. So instead of one day at a time, I am taking one breath at a time. Sometimes I just feel so tired and weary, it's so hard to fight all the time. I just wish things were easier. I look at my kids and want to give them everything that their little hearts desire. They deserve so much. As I turn on the TV and watch the news, I know that I am not alone, many many others are in our same situation if not worse. I am writing to let you know, if you are in the same place as us, you aren't alone, you don't need to be ashamed, and I am praying for you. We'll make it through, we just have to, one moment at a time.
