Possiblities

It has been such a beautiful day today. I woke up to my kids prancing around, both chattering a mile a minute. Then I see my handsome husband doing what every women loves to see, the dishes. As I rub the sleep out of my eyes, we prepared to go to church. I am unusually excited to go, as it has been a while. It seems lately like the devil has his hooks in us by finding some reason not to be able to attend, usually do to sickness. I remember being a child and thinking of anything in my power to be able to stay at home and not to have to attend. I often wondered why in the world would any adult waste their time by listening to someone talk. I never would have imagined that I would be excited to go. I love our church. Mars Hill always seems to have some way of turning your thinker on and really go deep. I have heard people judge our church and say they used to go years ago. I can't help but want to say "this church is nothing like it was 11 years ago. It's grown, shifted, changed and seems to be going through stages of metamorphosis. I never would have imagined in such a large church you could find love and support, especially when you reach your hand out for help. I am not saying it is perfect, there is no such thing, but it really fits us and that has been a comfort. As always, I am always on a hunt for something. Lately, it's been to find deep love and faith in G-d. We used to be so close. I'd call on Him for everything, but lately being the control freak, I have tried to take on way more than I can handle. In that process I have found myself relying on earthly needs and wants and it has consumed me. It really brings in such a deep negativity that it makes things seem hopeless. As always I am exposing my heart as I don't know how else to be. I have decided to talk about all the issues in my mind in the hopes someone might take comfort, whether they will admit aloud or not, it doesn't matter. I have been reading the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I wrote a little about it earlier. I don't get the chance to read often, and the book touches me square on how I felt years ago, so it's very emotional and a lot to process. I am in awe of Angie's faith. I remember feeling so in love with G-d, and lately with the economy, my dreaded friends, anxiety, fear, and anger have decided to keep me company. Have you ever noticed, the harder you try to fix this, the more it seems to consume you? But thankfully G-d made me stubborn. While this is mostly noted to be a bad thing, sometimes it's what keeps you going. Part of me on some days wants to quit and lie on the ground and just sob, but then this stubborn part of me kicks in and says "HEY YOU!! KNOCK IT OFF! YOU DON'T GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT AND NO ON CAN TAKE YOU DOWN, SO STOP IT!" This part of me is rather brutal yet, so necessary. I have always been smaller than most and had to really almost present myself as a blow fish. If someone messes with me, I blow up and look pretty scary, but really I am pretty panicked. You see a blow fish in the water, when not frightened they just look silly (kind of like me) but the second something comes that disrupts the fish "Whoosh" they blow up and look like they are going to attack or pop. Yep, that's me a blow fish. Most people say "I am like an eagle who likes to fly, I am like a tree, so strong and loves to support others" I say, I am a blow fish. Interesting, I just came to this conclusion a moment ago and yet, it really suits me and makes me chuckle. Seth and I are looking at our future. We are seriously feeling like we are just not where we belong. Michigan's economy is frightening, and yet it is all Seth has ever known. Lately, it feels suffocating. We love that our family is here, and that we are close to the kids in the Mausoleum, and Lake MI. Yet, we feel G-d is pointing us in a different direction. We are not foolish enough to pick up with out careful consideration and to make sure provisions are made, but now we are starting to dream. This is nice and freeing. I have been feeling so isolated that this is like a breath of fresh air. As much as it would be difficult to leave our babies bodies (who I have to constantly remind myself, they aren't in there anymore) and our family, I feel like we are being called to change. It's a restlessness that isn't going away. I know it will be hard and scary, but I have learned it is taking chances and making mistakes that make you grow. We have to pray about it heavily as we have to also think about Isaiah's needs and can a state help with schooling etc. Right now we love the thought of North or South Dakota. There are plenty of reasons, but to go into that would take forever to explain. I have already heard "Are you NUTS!! or Your making me crazy!" Maybe, but G-d gives us lives to live and to grow. I feel like with Eli and Rory, we grew leaps and bounds. Oh how it hurt, it still has left scars that will never heal, but we grew. Lately we just feel, stunted. It will take time to see how this develops but for the first time since I met Seth and had our kids, I am really excited to dream. To think of new possibilities. We don't know what the future holds, but I don't want to live in fear of failure or under the cloak of anxiety. The time is drawing near to take a chance and to really live life to the fullest. I am tired of worrying and wasting each precious breath, that isn't how G-d wants us to live. Where this will all take us, I don't know. But as we all know, with G-d, anything is possible.