Days of Isaiah

Isaiah's birthday was on the 17Th. To honor his special day, we were able to have a bowling party (thanks to Seth's bosses who own it!) It was Seth's idea, and I must admit, I thought we were biting off more than we could chew. I didn't know if all the balls would make him not even be able to focus on the bowling itself, thankfully, I was wrong. He had a blast. We had everyone there and I think all the kids really enjoyed themselves. Isaiah had his own lane as he just kept on rolling the balls down over and over and seemed to not even really recognize that people were there. I have never seen him lift so many heavy objects without complaining even once. He is still talking about the party to this day, and really wants to go back and bowl. I thought it was pretty cool that they even gave him a bowling pin to take home (which he carries around with pride) that everyone signed. I was so excited to see him so enamored in something that didn't have to do with space (not that we don't love his passion) especially with all the sphere's in the building. We did have a cake that most people would scratch their heads and maybe even think it looked a little ick. He insisted on having a dwarf planet cake with Pluto and it's moons, Sedna, Quorar, and some others. We used different kinds of candies to mimic it until he approved. Thankfully, he loved it, and that was all that mattered. He did have a hard time with opening presents. I think it got to over stimulating having everyone staring at him, especially when he'd rather be bowling. I felt bad at first, that everyone had carefully picked out presents just for him and didn't even get to see his reaction (which I know I love). I think Seth could see how disappointed and embarrassed that I was, he then gently reminded me "this is what the doctor's prepared us for." I then had to take a step back, as often I think of Isaiah as just any other 4 year old, but I have to remind myself that the PDD-NOS is still there. Being that we have never had another child make it this far, it's hard for me to understand what the difference between a typical 4 year old behavior and PDD-NOS. I must say, he is learning leaps and bounds. We took him to the park the other day and he ran up to this little girl and says "Hi! My name is Isaiah, pleased to meet you." Seth and I held our breath in awaiting her response. Thankfully she was a sweet thing and reciprocated his kindness and they grabbed each others hands and ran off to play. I wanted to cry as I was so excited to see him actually initiate interaction with another child his age (normally he doesn't bother with kids and goes straight to the adults) and he is doing more often than not. The other thing we are tackling right now are, his ever dreaded eating habits. He is so selective in all that he eats that it makes eating quite difficult. Just to get him to eat some noodles or a single vegetable, he's been sitting at the table for hours at a time refusing to even give it a nibble. This is hugely frustrating. I don't expect him to enjoy the food, but at least to try new things. With PDD-NOS, they tend to adapt to one certain schedule, certain foods, and pretty much dictate how the day will go. I can't tell you how many play dates lately that I have had to cancel due to waiting for him to finish his food. We are trying hard to be consistent as sometimes it is easier just to pretend he ate it and get on with our day. Unfortunately, Isaiah is so intelligent, that he picked this up right away. So, for now, I am putting my social needs on the back burner until we can reorganize this particular thought process. It's depressing for me and Aria, as we love going out in the morning to the park or where ever, but I can't reward the negative behavior. Oh yes, and did I tell you when I tell him he needs to eat, he sternly tells me, "Mommy, you need to go to time out and you are very rude!" Sometimes I want to laugh at his little adult sayings, and sometimes I just want to cry as I just want to move on with the day. I must say, he never gives us a dull day. His affection and show of love has grown exponentially. I am bound and determined to pull him off of this autistic spectrum label as I believe (and the doctors as well) that he could with enough aggressive therapy. Sometimes I wonder if I am painting a negative picture of him to others. But you have to understand things are just handled differently in a way I have never had to. Aria tends to be the typical child and responds in ways that I can expect. She loves adventure and last minute trips. She'll also try and take you out if you mess with her toys. Isaiah, with all of his idiosyncrasies, is a sweet, intelligent, and actually intriguing child to engage with. He talks like a little adult from time to time and really makes the day interesting. This last year has been a challenge. Yet, when I look back at where we were one year ago, I am amazed at how much he has improved. I don't think any adult could keep up with the amount of progress that he has made. So as much as my little man insists that his favorite color is black "because of the midnight sky." Or that number 9 is his favorite number because "Pluto is the ninth planet." To top it off, we use a lot of Yiddish slang around here. He comes up to me after he had fallen and says "Mom, will you wipe the tears from my eyes?" I went to go wipe of his glasses as the tears and gotten on them. He says " You need to wipe the schmutz from glasses, so I can see better." I say schmutz a lot, but he has never said it before. He says it so matter of fact, oh my little professor. He is going to take the world by storm. I have made a promise to myself that I will be updating more often, as there is a lot going on in our lives right now that I haven't posted. I have hesitated as I am trying hard to figure out how much of our lives I want to expose. Normally, I am an open book, but due some insecurities of my own I have actually shyed away for fear of being judged. But now I have decided to let it out as it is what is happening and I have always kept true to allowing others to see that I am human, so I will be opening up more. To those of you who know me personally, it probably isn't anything that far off of what you already know. May you all be blessed and find happiness in all that you do.

Isaiah Proclaimy

Isaiah's favorite sculpture at the F. Meijer Gardens, can you guess why?

As you know, we have been in the process of potty training. It's been one of the things I have dreaded dealing with as a young child (being a germaphobe and all). So patiently we have been working with Isaiah. We read him books, got some movies from the library, role play (the things you do for your kids), and of course, begging. For the last couple of weeks he has graduated to Thomas underwear (with lots of nervousness as our whole house is carpeted) and finally SUCCESS! He still doesn't come up and tell us, but if you ask him he'll say if he has to go. I am so happy! But then the craziest thing happened today. We were at a friends house for a play date. I am talking with my friend only to turn around and see Isaiah with no pants on, sitting on her carpet in the living room. Sheer Panic!! So many thoughts are racing through my mind, but the biggest was "did he go on the floor?" Praying, praying. I grab him and see his shorts and underwear next time him, now I am really perplexed. I said "Isaiah do you have to go potty or did you GO potty somewhere??" He replies not nonchalantly, "No Mom, I went in the potty upstairs, flushed the handle, closed the lid, and of course, I washed my hands." Me and my friend stared at him in disbelief. The one thing about Isaiah, is he is very honest and fesses up, so I knew he was telling the truth. I asked him if he had trouble with his shorts (they have a snap and a zipper, something that hasn't been mastered yet) and he said yes. I put helped him put on his clothes and told him how proud I was of him. He got the biggest smile on his face and you could see the pride in his eyes. My little guy is turning 4 on Saturday. I am thinking back to four years ago when I was as big as a house wondering when he would come out. We have been through so much this last year with his diagnosis, yet I have seen a total transformation in him. Where I used to be so embarrassed with his reactions, have now turned into joy. He is known as one of the most polite kids and gets so many compliments, he loves playing at peoples houses and joyfully running with children. He especially loves to hug and kiss, especially baby sister, so full of affection. All things that one year ago, were a struggle to do. We have a long ways to go, yet I am so excited to see what he is going to accomplish. Most kids say, "I wanna be a___, when I grow up." Isaiah says he is going to be a an astronomer and a astronaut. You know what, I believe him. Most kids can't wait to move out of the house, my boy can't wait to move out of the atmosphere! He is going to go so far in life, I am so proud of our little guy.

Sweet Freedom!!

Well, I finally did it! Yep, I quit my job! Some of you are scratching your heads thinking "I didn't know you were working?" I took a job back in March that I felt was going to help solve our financial problems. I could work from home, choose my own hours, it sounded to good to be true! It was. I was told I would be calling people who wanted this particular service and just sign them up, simple right? Nope, it was awful. I could go into big details, but it's not worth my time. Anyways, I ended up trying to quit a little while later, but they called and begged me back. I thought maybe it was G-d trying to give it another chance. After all, people work jobs everyday that they hate and who am I to be so picky? Since going back, it has been non stop chaos. I have been grouchy as every week you are threatened that they are going to fire you if you don't do well enough. I started experiencing panic attacks that I haven't had in years, throwing up, insomnia, and just plain eating to make me feel better. Poor Seth and the kids were put on the back burner and all I kept on thinking is "we NEED this money." Things deteriorated quickly, my faith, contact with my friends, family time with my family. I talked to Seth about it and he kept on telling me that I needed to quit. Being that I do the finances, as sweet as I thought he was being, I just couldn't do it. I felt like I was being irresponsible to just walk away when the economy has been this way. I ended up speaking with our financial mentor and at first he agreed with me, but as we were going through things he agreed, I needed to put my family first and this was no way to live. So I prayed for G-d to send confirmation and I finally got it yesterday in a phone call. This person said everything I needed to hear without knowing what was going on. Especially after a horrible weekend working, I knew this was the way to go. So I did it and I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. There is this tiny voice in the back of my mind that is saying "But you have no back up plan!" But was I was talking to my friend yesterday, I began to realize that I haven't been living my life to the fullest and I haven't been trusting in G-d that He will provide. So, I took a leap of faith and now have placed my burdens in His hands. I have no idea what we are going to do, but I am going to have to trust, something and OCD person does not like to do! After I quit we took the kids to the park, and for the first time in a long time I felt like I was wholly there with them. I wasn't thinking about how I was going to meet the company's unrealistic demands. Both kids had a couple of meltdowns but it didn't phase me, which was huge. I feel like a thousand pounds have been lifted and now it's time to find a new path to take. The whole unknown factor freaks me out, but it's a time for growth and I as an adult need the challenge. So if you could pray that G-d would show us a clear direction and that I would find something I truly have a passion for and that our needs would be met, I'd be grateful. I was talking to Seth and I know finances are always a taboo subject, but let's face it, a lot of us are in the same boat and we have nothing to ashamed about. These are hard times and I know we didn't have this happened due to irresponsibility, these things happen. I am not asking for a hand out or pity, instead I am asking for prayers. Money is nice to have, but it isn't everything. Money comes and goes, but the time and memories that you make are what you take with you. So it's been a good, but hard lesson to learn. I was talking with my friend, whose neighbor just came back from a missions trip. He said that after seeing how poor they were, you'd think that they envied our lifestyles. But what he found is that they were happy and that they felt we were slaves to our things. I thought that was so interesting and that really stuck in my mind. So as we are playing and Isaiah is squealing in delight and I noticed that both my kids voices sound like the chipmunks. As I laughed, I said to Isaiah, "You are so cute!" He replies, "I am not cute, I am adorable!" Aria ran from thing to thing with deep thought in her exploration, Seth hunted to find little things the kids might be interested in, and I couldn't help but feel, this is what freedom is like. I don't know what the next hour will bring, but it's almost exciting not knowing what is ahead. At least this is my though for today, LOL! So I now have to return to my kids climbing on me and smothering me with kisses, potty training, shopping lists, budgeting, cleaning, food preparation, Isaiah's birthday party planning, and I am going to love every moment of it. I am sure frustration is soon to follow, but for now, I am going to breathe and focus on living life to the fullest. Every day is a gift!

Possiblities

It has been such a beautiful day today. I woke up to my kids prancing around, both chattering a mile a minute. Then I see my handsome husband doing what every women loves to see, the dishes. As I rub the sleep out of my eyes, we prepared to go to church. I am unusually excited to go, as it has been a while. It seems lately like the devil has his hooks in us by finding some reason not to be able to attend, usually do to sickness. I remember being a child and thinking of anything in my power to be able to stay at home and not to have to attend. I often wondered why in the world would any adult waste their time by listening to someone talk. I never would have imagined that I would be excited to go. I love our church. Mars Hill always seems to have some way of turning your thinker on and really go deep. I have heard people judge our church and say they used to go years ago. I can't help but want to say "this church is nothing like it was 11 years ago. It's grown, shifted, changed and seems to be going through stages of metamorphosis. I never would have imagined in such a large church you could find love and support, especially when you reach your hand out for help. I am not saying it is perfect, there is no such thing, but it really fits us and that has been a comfort. As always, I am always on a hunt for something. Lately, it's been to find deep love and faith in G-d. We used to be so close. I'd call on Him for everything, but lately being the control freak, I have tried to take on way more than I can handle. In that process I have found myself relying on earthly needs and wants and it has consumed me. It really brings in such a deep negativity that it makes things seem hopeless. As always I am exposing my heart as I don't know how else to be. I have decided to talk about all the issues in my mind in the hopes someone might take comfort, whether they will admit aloud or not, it doesn't matter. I have been reading the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I wrote a little about it earlier. I don't get the chance to read often, and the book touches me square on how I felt years ago, so it's very emotional and a lot to process. I am in awe of Angie's faith. I remember feeling so in love with G-d, and lately with the economy, my dreaded friends, anxiety, fear, and anger have decided to keep me company. Have you ever noticed, the harder you try to fix this, the more it seems to consume you? But thankfully G-d made me stubborn. While this is mostly noted to be a bad thing, sometimes it's what keeps you going. Part of me on some days wants to quit and lie on the ground and just sob, but then this stubborn part of me kicks in and says "HEY YOU!! KNOCK IT OFF! YOU DON'T GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT AND NO ON CAN TAKE YOU DOWN, SO STOP IT!" This part of me is rather brutal yet, so necessary. I have always been smaller than most and had to really almost present myself as a blow fish. If someone messes with me, I blow up and look pretty scary, but really I am pretty panicked. You see a blow fish in the water, when not frightened they just look silly (kind of like me) but the second something comes that disrupts the fish "Whoosh" they blow up and look like they are going to attack or pop. Yep, that's me a blow fish. Most people say "I am like an eagle who likes to fly, I am like a tree, so strong and loves to support others" I say, I am a blow fish. Interesting, I just came to this conclusion a moment ago and yet, it really suits me and makes me chuckle. Seth and I are looking at our future. We are seriously feeling like we are just not where we belong. Michigan's economy is frightening, and yet it is all Seth has ever known. Lately, it feels suffocating. We love that our family is here, and that we are close to the kids in the Mausoleum, and Lake MI. Yet, we feel G-d is pointing us in a different direction. We are not foolish enough to pick up with out careful consideration and to make sure provisions are made, but now we are starting to dream. This is nice and freeing. I have been feeling so isolated that this is like a breath of fresh air. As much as it would be difficult to leave our babies bodies (who I have to constantly remind myself, they aren't in there anymore) and our family, I feel like we are being called to change. It's a restlessness that isn't going away. I know it will be hard and scary, but I have learned it is taking chances and making mistakes that make you grow. We have to pray about it heavily as we have to also think about Isaiah's needs and can a state help with schooling etc. Right now we love the thought of North or South Dakota. There are plenty of reasons, but to go into that would take forever to explain. I have already heard "Are you NUTS!! or Your making me crazy!" Maybe, but G-d gives us lives to live and to grow. I feel like with Eli and Rory, we grew leaps and bounds. Oh how it hurt, it still has left scars that will never heal, but we grew. Lately we just feel, stunted. It will take time to see how this develops but for the first time since I met Seth and had our kids, I am really excited to dream. To think of new possibilities. We don't know what the future holds, but I don't want to live in fear of failure or under the cloak of anxiety. The time is drawing near to take a chance and to really live life to the fullest. I am tired of worrying and wasting each precious breath, that isn't how G-d wants us to live. Where this will all take us, I don't know. But as we all know, with G-d, anything is possible.

Fever Pitch

As always, things have been quite topsy turvey over here. Aria ended up spiking a fever on Friday at 106.8. I never in my life thought I would see anything close to Elijah's 107.5 (before he passed away). Aria had been having this weird on and off fever that seemed to be climbing. I wasn't really worried, as Isaiah had a similar issue a couple of weeks before. The only thing that seemed so strange was how she could get it after so much time had passed. I was proud of myself for not calling the doctor and "handling it" myself. That is until around 2 PM, I heard a blood curdling scream. This is the scream every parent knows, you better drop whatever you are doing and run. I checked her over as she lying limp on the ground yet screaming in pain. I checked her temp. At first I thought the thermometer was broken, but then checked myself and and I was normal (yes, we all have our first time) then rechecked her 106.8. I almost called the ambulance as I started having flash backs of Eli, but remembered to look at how she was acting. She was breathing fast, but still coherent. I called Seth and the doctor and away we went. I could go on about the whole thing, but I don't have that much time. The doctor at first was going to have her admitted to the hospital, but we told her about Isaiah going up to 104.5 a couple of weeks before. She then hesitated and decided that we'd watch her closely. By then her Ib prof. had kicked in and she was talking and wanting to eat. So she set up a plan and let the on call doctor know what was going on and wrote up lab slips. So we watched Aria like a hawk all weekend as they decided by Monday if the fever wasn't going down, we'd have to admit her right away. Then Isaiah came home from camp with a 103 fever. I am telling you, I am so perplexed as to how summer has been so filled with sickness. I thought this was the one season, we got a free pass. Instead of cook outs and firecrackers, we stayed home and prayed the kiddos would feel better. The doctor actually allowed us to let them in the pool for a short amount of time to help keep them cool. It really seemed to help. Praise the Lord, they broke their fevers. Aria is still pretty upset, so we are waiting to find out if they still want us to continue labs. I was disappointed we didn't get to really enjoy a mini vacation, yet so relieved that they were okay. There more to that story, but I'll leave it to the condensed version. Isaiah has been going to Hebrew camp. My Grandmother is Jewish and really wanted him to have an opportunity to learn and play. Isaiah has since learned the Hebrew alphabet and is playing with other kids. His language skills and thought process absolutely blow me away. But I have also been noticing a different side of him. Yesterday we took him to the 4th of July parade. Really, it was to hot after they had been so sick, but Seth really wanted all of us to go. Isaiah was so excited to go, but when we got there, it was to much. He kept on staring at the ground and almost seemed to be moping. I was wearing a dress yesterday and what does he decide to do? Yep, he pulled it up, not once, but several times. Luckily I caught it, each time before it got to revealing. But then he says "Mommy, I like your dress. You look like a ballerina." How could I be mad? So I had to explain you don't pull up ladies dresses. Ah the conversations you never really expect to say. There are so many other funny things that happened but Aria has come to have me make her lunch, and I can't say no to her little face. I'll write later.