The Holidays

I actually have been sitting on a post that took me over an hour to compose. I just didn't care for it, so I guess I am starting all over. I am looking at my writing as my art, I haven't ever really thought of it that way before, but G-d has been revealing things to me. We finally moved back home last week. I began to realize that the kids missed sleeping in their own beds and it was time for me to step out of my comfort zone. I love guarantees. I like things to have a perfect out come without risk. Um yeah, life is anything but that. I thought if I ate "safe foods," I'd never have a problem. The only thing I didn't take into consideration, really, I don't have any safe foods anymore. I don't know if my body likes them for a while and then one day decides, yeah, not doing that anymore! Throughout all of this, dairy has really helped me. As much as I didn't care for the GI specialist in the hospital, he was right, lactose and me, we must be frienemies. I seem to tolerate the low fat cheeses that is about it. All my shakes, the very shakes that have been my sole source of food, are dairy based. So this has really thrown a wrench into my already crazy situation. I have switched over to soy milk and occasionally have tried going back to the dairy only to find me feeling sick and miserable for hours. The soy milk is great, but not as many calories or vitamins. We haven't been able to locate a soy based nutritional supplemental drink just yet, but think there has to be one somewhere. I have also found that almost anything sweet is utterly repulsive. I don't know if my body just said, enough is enough, but mostly anything sweet has left my diet. This has left a void in food, but has made me feel much more better. I truly believe the botox is working and it has done much to alleviate pain and that full suffocating feeling. It will only work for a temp. amount of time and even then, they say after 1-2 rounds, it will no longer be effective. In the eyes of western medicine, except for a feeding tube or TPN, their isn't much they can do. This is not my first choice, but after being so sick in the hospital, I have decided I'd rather be alive with a tube and be with my family, then not at all. The only thing is, it is not my call. The doctors all are telling me I need one, but will not actually implement it. I am meeting with my GI tomorrow, and there we will be discussing our options. The thing is, now that I have met with our Naturapath, I believe there is hope that this all could be stemming from some deep rooted emotional issues. I have begun to be aware of how I react in tense situations. I breathe less and hold my stomach in. He felt that if I could get past these issues, my body could begin to self heal and due it's natural process again. Years ago, I would have rolled my eyes. Now, I realize, it just makes sense. Fear has really reared it's ugly head. I just want to play things safe and be normal, unfortunately, this can't happen in this situation. I have to step out and start retrying foods again and see what happens. By playing it safe, I ate less and less in the hopes of feeling better, when in actuality, it made me feel weak and worse. My blood pressure is in the 80/50 area and goes even lower when I sleep. Other than weight loss, they don't know why it has gotten so low. I have been trying to eat more sodium and cut more of the sugar out and eat some normal foods. I have found me sucking the salt off of baked cheetos and trying to find that balance in the right amount of fluids, making sure that I get up and move around and keep my body moving. Slowly, but surely, I have had some good days. Christmas was wonderful. I cried the morning I woke up. I couldn't believe that I was still alive and I was just thrilled. We were supposed to go and celebrate with the family but I quickly realized it would be too much. Normally, I would send them to go anyways so they could have fun. After sitting in the hospital I thought of all the times I should have done.... So I asked Seth to stay at home and just hang out. The kids were none the wiser, so they were just happy to have a PJ day and open presents that others had so thoughtfully gotten for them. It was the most amazing Christmas I have had since Elijah. We didn't do much, yet just being together was all I needed. I have still had some issues with food not moving, but my biggest obstacle is the fear. I am asking for prayers that G-d give me the courage to move past all of the what if's and just do it anyways. The fear has been paralyzing and has debilitated me to the point of being destructive. It's so easy to say, give it to G-d. Yet, when I have been put in the situation time after time, the decisions are overwhelming. I would have thought having all this time on my hands that I'd be immersing my self in the bible and praying for hours. Instead I find myself doing little breath prayers of "Abba help me get better." Right now my brain seems to not comprehend in-depth things, everything needs to be extremely simple. I felt really guilty at first and very unfaithful, but now I have just handed it over to Him that He knows how tired I am. I have had to rely so much on others to help me and that has been frustrating and humbling. I want to do everything myself, but for now, I just am not able to. I have been blessed with having a blog and facebook to be able to put myself out there. As hard as it is admitting to others my struggles, I have been shown so much love and support. I can't tell you all how pivotal all of your prayers and support meant to us. My Mom was saying how amazing my friends are, and all I could do was smile and nod with tears in my eyes. I cry a lot. This has been healing. I have been angry for so long and I am learning how important it is to let that anger go. Sadness is hard for me to deal with. You'd think with the kids passing away that I'd have this down pat, but I don't. Seth has commented how different I am, how much softer I have become. I have always been so small, so you have to act tough to ward off the bullies, except in my case. I became my own bully. I am not tough, I am weak. I am only strong through the hand of G-d. There are days I freak out and ask Him where He is and ask Him why. There are also days when all I can say is "thank you." Honestly when Eli was alive we had so much support and then he died and everyone just faded away. Or so I thought. I always felt it was Eli that drew everyone in. Yes, he was so amazing. It was G-d that drew everyone in, just like He is doing now. I haven't been able to go to church since July, I struggle with pain, doubt, and fear. Yet my G-d, the one true living G-d is still with me. He is my comforter in a way I haven't known. I so long for the day that I can come into His presence and say, Thank You for never leaving me or giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Yesterday was a really tough day, today was much better. I don't know what each day holds for itself. I am trying hard to just live in the present and not think about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough to worry about. I am asking for continued prayers. I believe the more specific, the better. I am asking for the ability overcome this fear and anxiety. Also for the ability to eat and gain healthy weight, and for peace and hope and sleep! In the last few months I have only slept through the night twice. Other than that, I wake up every 2 hours. I don't know if it is the low blood pressure and my body is trying to startle me or if it is the stress of everything. Bottom line, I needs my sleep! You dear friend on the other side of the computer, I am thankful for you. Thank you for cheering me on, for caring about me and my family. You too are going through things yourself, I am sure. I pray that you are able to reach your hand out to others, but especially to G-d. He sent His one and only son to die for us, and that means more than I can even fathom. I am trying to wrap my mind around His promises. I too struggle with my faith, yet I am clinging with all that I have to Him. I also want to thank those of you who helped us out to see Dale, we wouldn't have been able to go without your help. I really believe G-d is having us go to him for a reason. Thank you to those of you who helped us have a blessed Christmas. Words can't describe how grateful we really are. We are meeting with the GI tomorrow for a follow up on the botox. Please pray that G-d would show him something that we may be missing and that we'd come out of the appt. with hope. Every day is a gift. I still botch things up and get in a mood, but I am aware of how blessed each hour that we have with each other really means. I am praying this new year approaching would be full of healing, restoration, good health, good food, and time. Normal and boring sound like such a vacation. Isaiah and Aria have been entertaining me so much. Their vivacious personalities crack me up. As tough as this has been on them, I see that it has bonded them together. I make sure to tell them I love them more often and stop and watch them play. I like to imagine what they'll look like when they grow up and what they will do with their lives. Isaiah is really getting into math and wants to know all the numbers. He actually let me rock him when I got back from the hospital. He hasn't let me do that in years. He can be such a dictator and yet so sweet. Aria, one minute in princess shoes and another climbing and jumping off of things. She loves me to snuggle her, and at the same time, isn't afraid to speak her mind. I have no idea where she gets it from;) My Sethy, the love of my life, who works so hard in all that he does with kindness that is rare to see. I am so fortunate to have a husband that took his wedding vows so seriously. He has really loved me through sickness and in health. I just can't seem to get enough of them. I am tired, but still in this race. Thank you for your prayers and support, it feels so good to feel so loved. May G-d have mercy on our family, may the blood of Jesus heal me, and may we walk in peace and some day be able to help others.

In All Things

It's been a hectic week. As many of you already know, on Monday I had to be admitted to the hospital. We went to to our very anticipated Naturapath appt. I have been anticipating this and was so excited. We got there on time and happily waited to seen. Dale and Mary came out and I felt so relaxed to be there and finally here what their suggestions might be. We sat down to warm smiles and Dale began to speak when all of the sudden I felt a surge of heat come over me. It was so intense that I wanted to rip my shirt off and seriously almost went through with it. I saw everyone sitting around me and desperately wanted to tell them what was happening, but no words were able to come out. Dale and Mary saw me right away and probably figured out what was going on before I did. It seemed like forever, yet it was probably but a second. I started to feel the life force drain out of me, almost like gravity was pulling me down and my body went limp. Everyone jumped to their feet and immediately got me to the floor and put my legs up. I couldn't comprehend anything and on top of that I began to dry heave and shake violently. I looked everywhere to see if angels were coming to take me home. I am not even being dramatic, I really thought it was my time and didn't know what was happening. They gave me water and maple syrup, assuming it might be a low blood sugar, but it still did nothing. I actually ended up throwing up, which I haven't been able to do since June 23rd on the onset of the gastroparesis. They ended up calling 911 and I waited in their arms while everyone quietly whispered assuring words to calm me. Everyone was having a hard time even getting a pulse but I felt like my heart was going to explode. It was to say the least, terrifying. They ambulance finally got there, I haven't ridden in one since the day Elijah died. I just remember looking out the window and seeing Seth's face covered in fear as they closed the door. I ended up with a trainee who was trying to get my vein, which is hard for even a seasoned veteran to get. I just remember the EMT saying go ahead and pass out, it's a better place to be, and I shut my eyes. We finally got to the ER only to find, they had no record of me supposed to be coming in, so there wasn't a room. So out in hall they proceeded to check me out. I could go on and on about the details of everything, but it'd take a novel. They assumed because I have anxiety, it would be an anxiety attack. The nurse on duty was pretty rude and basically tried to shame me into wasting their time. I sat there in shock. I prayed for G-d to help us. They weren't addressing my chest pains, my head dizziness, nothing. Finally I just prayed for G-d to help me say the right thing when the doctor came in. Sure enough, what seemed like hours later, he walked in and I believe G-d gave me the words to say. I explained I am a germaphobe and the last place I'd ever want to be, is in a hospital. I have anxiety, but I know what the attacks feel like, plus I have medication that I have with me to combat that. I then went on to list my symptoms, the dizziness, memory fog, the loss of coordination in my whole body, excessive thirst, chest pain, head ache, a dry mouth, eyes, and even a feeling in my brain of feeling dried out. I am sure I am forgetting the other stuff, but I figured say my piece and at least I tried. I refused pain medication to prove I wasn't there for the drugs. He sat there and didn't seem to have a reaction and said he needed time to think. He then walked out and I had figured I had ordered hours of solitary confinement for annoying him. Thankfully we ended up with a different nurse who very understanding and really seemed to take me seriously. After a while later, the doctor came back in excited. He said he literally had goosebumps and said I should send him a Christmas card, that I probably had something called Diabetes Insepsis. He said it was rare, but that we could get me admitted and have testing done. I didn't know how to respond but agreed, maybe someone could get down to the bottom of this. Just when I thought we were done with all the drama, they informed me the hospital was full and that I'd need to be transferred to another hospital by ambulance. At this point, I figured, 2 ambulance rides in one day, why not? If it meant getting help, so be it. I had two very nice EMT riders who were calm, cool, and collected (so this ride was a bit more assuring) so I just layed back and prayed. I got admitted close to 11 or 12 at night, so the floor was quiet. I felt dazed and just did whatever they told me to. My body felt like someone had stepped on the gas but didn't release the parking brake. Seth had to go transfer the kids from his aunts house to his parents house, so he was gone quite a while. I felt like a little child sitting there with their eyes wide with fear and no way out. Thankfully the attending internalist came in and was saw how terrified I was, and was so light hearted. He made some jokes and seemed at ease and that put me at ease. He explained all the specialists they were going to call in and that I was going to have to sit tight. I was hoping the GI specialist would be beneficial, but of all the specialist that should have jumped to the plate to help, he was the least helpful. He barely came in for a few minutes and just blamed it on the botox and said I was lactose intolerant (which is what I live off of) and walked out. Seth and I stared at each other in disbelief. We then me with the nephrologist, endocrinologist, and internal medicine. Each of these specialist, I thought, did a exceptional job. They were polite, thorough, and really seemed to listen to everything that was going on. They took blood, blood, and more blood. The phlebotomists were all doing their darnest to get me on the first poke, but said that my veins were calcified, so it's was draining to say the least (no pun intended). At one point they drew my blood every half hour for and hour and a half. I seriously was perpexed how they were going to leave any left for me, when I am already anemic. They did so many tests that I don't even remember them all. The one that was the hardest for me to do was the MRI. I did refuse contrast, due to past experiences, but this one really freaked me out. I have been having head pain for years and have put this test off to being afraid of the test itself and the results. I finally agreed to do it, due to Seth's persistence of leaving no stone left unturned. Again, I had great staff to soothe me through the test itself (I am terribly claustrophobic) and it went off much easier than I had anticipated. The entire time I was in the machine, I prayed for our dear friends who are going through even more than us. In my mind I just cried out to G-d for mercy, nothing more, nothing less. Seth had to go home that night. The kids had come up to see me and it ended up scaring Aria more than helping. So Seth had gone home to give them some normalcy. I could barely sleep or think. I tried to sit back and relax, watch some TV, but I just couldn't. All I could think about was what I hadn't done with the kids. On Monday Aria fell asleep at Seth's Aunt's house before we left. I didn't want to wake her, so I never hugged her goodbye. All I could think about is not spending enough quality time with them. They always ask to play or go here or there, but especially with all this going on, I haven't been able to do much. They are 3 and 5. I don't remember much when I was those ages, how would Aria even remember me? They'd never know how much I wanted them. How their lives helped heal our broken hearts. I never realized how much I missed their constant chattering or them needing me, till I was all alone. I missed doing Aria's hair and Isaiah asking me what type of dinosaur I was going to be today, everything, I missed everything. Thankfully, I was blessed enough to have visitors at just the right time, to help me through. I thank G-d for those people, the Lord knew I needed them there. All the while, weirdly thankful, each specialist came in to say, that they couldn't find anything. With each elimination of diagnosis's we felt better, yet more perplexed. I felt very validated that they too, agreed that something is wrong. Except for the GI doc, I think all of them urged us to go to Mayo. The dietician even came in to try to assist me and was absolutely stumped at what to eat. Being at the hospital you'd think they'd have the right food available for me to eat. I had really one thing that I could eat, chicken noodle soup. She was so frustrated for me and really tried hard to pull a rabbit out of her hat, but nothing. To make things worse, the GI put a restriction on my lactose intake, so that narrowed everything down. I do have to say, out of all this mess, in my opinion, the botox is working. I am praying it will continue to work, since it is only a temporary thing. The food can still get stuck, but things move through easier. At the hospital, I barely cleared calories. They didn't seem concerned that I am still losing more weight. My arms and legs are almost always freezing, so I was under a pile of 10 blankets at a time. When I finally addressed it, they suggetion the feeding tube. My heart sank. Mayo finally called back and they told us there is nothing more they can do on the gastroparesis end. They didn't have the records from my hospital stay, so they weren't aware of all that was going on. We are in the process of getting that submitted, but it doesn't look promising. The best GI specialist in the US can't help me. We did ask about seeing a cardiologist, but they said we have to get referred out. The whole thing is puzzling and I have talked a lot to G-d about it. I don't understand why this is all happening or what I am supposed to do. How on earth did all of this happen so fast, with so little answers. So many questions and little answers. They finally discharged me. They knew I wasn't eating enough and felt I'd do better at home. So back to Seth's parents we go. I am not allowed to drive or be left alone anymore. The spells or whatever you call them come on without notice. Praise the Lord, I slept wonderfully last night and boy did I need it. I am now focusing on eating and spending time with the ones I love. I am still holding onto hope for a miracle, but I have done all I can do on my end, it's in G-d's hands. I am still asking for prayers, that I'd be healed. We need every bit of support we can get. I know that my family keeps on reassuring me that I am not a burden, but I know this is hard everyone and I feel so bad. It's hard to have to rely on everyone to do the simple things. I am trying hard to keep moving when I can and eat where I can, but the exhaustion is nothing that I can even explain. I don't know what is happening, but I am trying hard to stay in the moments and make the best memories that I can. I am probably forgetting so much, but all I can say is thank you for your prayers. I still believe that G-d could change all of this around and I am clinging to the hope that He will heal me and make each day easier and better. I keep on remembering that he is there even when I can't see. Please continue your prayers, watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

Proceeding

So, here's how things are going. The day that I posted about all the TPN questions and lab work, I seriously was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I don't think any of us expected this to happen at the rate things have been going. I try to stay off the internet about gastroparesis, since any time we root around for answers, it leaves me upset. I ended up driving myself in such a tizzy that I finally went to sleep and was wiped out, which was a good thing. I had tried watching TV, but found myself after a few seconds, finding it so pointless. We are still at my In laws house, which has been a really good thing. I think had I been alone in all of this, well let's just say the Lord put us at the right place at the right time. Seth got the kids up early and took them to my parents house. I was kissed and hugged them and tried to drink up each of their beautiful features and just pondered at their preciousness. As you know before each procedure, you are fluid and food restricted. I don't know if anyone else has this issue, but just knowing that you can't have something, makes you want it all the much more. So I am made sure to drink a lot before the allotted time. When I woke up, I just began to pray and peeked my eye open. You would have thought I was trying to wait for the boogey man, but for some reason I was causciously trying to proceed around and think before I thought. I know that sounds weird, but I have acutely become aware that I just let any old random thought in and it takes over, only to spiral out of control, kind of like the TPN. It wasn't just the TPN that sent me over the edge, it's all the maybe's that followed after. I felt pretty peaceful. I am telling you people, if you think prayer doesn't work, just come talk to me. I have found on the days I have huge amounts of prayer going out, whatever the out come, it just goes better. Finally it was time to go to the procedure. We woke up to snow freshly fallen on the ground and the sun was shining brightly. I felt the Lord blessed me with that, it calmed me. We got to the waiting room and a neighbor of ours came to sit with Seth. While he and Seth chatted back and forth I smelled it. McDonalds. Here are all these people NPO and one of the patients drivers was munching on food, loudly and freshly. The smell of french fries wafted through the room and I began to salvate. I haven't had fast food in a long time, and dare I say, I miss it. It took everything in me not to get up and grab the food and throw it on the floor and stomp on it. For crying out loud, not just me was hungry, but all the others were too. Thankfully I got called back a short while later. I felt so bad for the woman with him. I am so blessed to have a spouce that would never even dare to think of doing that. Basically we got in and sat for close to an hour. I had a really nice nurse. So far every medical person that knows what I have, tends to give out a saddened look of pity. This tends to amp up my anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate compassion, it's the, nothing more that we can do look. She was gentle with my veins. I have bruises from all the pokes and my arm looks like a child got a hold of it with some crazy markers. She got it on the first poke, which was a huge blessing. No dragging or repokes, so grateful. The time came for me to go back. I never realized how much I hate taking risks, but it was time to take a leap of faith. They started to sedate me and I noticed that I wasn't falling asleep. I kept on waiting to go out, but I watched them pull out tubing and was realizing I wasn't asleep. I don't know if I ever fell asleep or if I woke up in the middle of the procedure, but I woke up feeling the tubes going into my stomach moving in and out while I tried to throw up. I started to thrash around and they figured it out and helped me back to sleep. It seemed like forever, but I think it was only a short amount of time. I later woke up to hear the bell dinging with my blood pressure. It was in the low 70's and they were forcing me to sit up. Finally, it was over. I remember bits and pieces, but went home to sleep. I am still having intense feelings of losing energy in which I can think fine, but can't get my motor skills to cooperate. I woke up to this feeling. I am guessing it has to do with sugar/salt/protein levels, but still it's hard to pin point what it is. Seth juiced me some veges and I felt a lot better after that. I stuck to the liquids and just relaxed as much as possible. I did end up waking up in the middle of the night with that lack of coordination and had to wake Seth up to get me some juice and water. I finally attempted Seth's whipped quiche. I don't eat the pie crust, but he whips eggs so they aren't so hard to digest. It has been my first real food in a while. They took me off of the Erythromyacin, which helps pulsate my stomach, to see if the botox is working. I ate the quiche and it seemed to move, but I am still having nausea and some other issues. Seth reminded me I still probably have narcotics in my system and that slows everything down. So, a long story short, I don't know if it worked. I need so much prayer and ask that you not stop. We are meeting with the naturapath on Monday to hopefully address the situation at hand, and we are hopeful that he might help. I have just been asking for Jesus to hold my hand and help me through. This whole thing seems to have gotten so out of hand, yet I know that I am in G-d's hands. I will try and keep you updated. Please keep the prayers coming. In my situation no news, doesn't neccisaryly mean everything is fine. I believe G-d is hearing our cries and I ask that you continue on my behalf to pray for a miracle. Being that this is ideopathic gastroparesis, there is always hope it could turn around. There is always hope. Please pray I can eat and get my calories and grow stronger and stronger. I truly believe the only reason my labs were good, was G-d intervened. Honestly, my diet has been awful, and I believe he stepped in and made them better. He is a G-d of miracles and hope, I am praying by the New Year, this gastroparesis will be healed. Pray that for me. Everyone keeps on talking about Christmas and I keep on forgetting it's coming. The anxiety of all of this is affecting Isaiah. Please pray for our family as well, they have been wonderful, but it's been so hard on everyone. I'll keep you updated, hopefully to tell that the botox is working. Hanging on to hope.

Exhaustion

I am pooped, so I hope this makes sense. We have decided to proceed with the botox being injected into my pyloric sphincter (you can laugh, but it's the muscle below the stomach) to keep it open and let my food empty out. Satan and I had it out today. He gripped me with fear I haven't known in a long time. Seth informed me that I had to get lab work done. I just assumed it was being done for a pre procedure thingy. I learned, due to me hitting the weight that I am at, they are preparing me for TPN if needed. I am hoping I don't need this. It would help nutrition, but it is a huge source for infection in a central artery and I pray it not be G-d's will that this has to be done. The doctor checked, but the results are still not in. Dear friends, I ask you to lift me in prayer. I know you already are, but I believe that we are given each other to help when we are weak. I am weak and need help. We moved in with my in laws for now. By myself, I couldn't take care of the kids. It's been a good experience, and I wish I could tell you all about it, but again, I exhausted. I know that whatever G-d does, is good. But I also know that the bible says, that if we ask in His son's name and it is His will, He will give it to us. I am asking for a tall order (might as well go big) that this botox would work wonders, that it would be effective, last a long time, and have no adverse reactions. Dear friends, I am asking for prayers of peace that passes all understanding. I admit, I know G-d is good, but I have been so scared. I want to watch my children grow up and I want to grow old with my soul mate and best friend, Seth. I truly need not just a miracle, but many. I have tried to watch TV and just occupy myself, yet I can not get my mind off of G-d. In all of this suffering, I am seeing so many blessings that He has allowed for me. Though I am far from perfect, I have led a beautiful life. I have a stunning family, friends, and life. Though I feel I have so much more life to live, I have been allowed to have so much more than I ever realized. In all my grumbling and complaining of looking at lumps of coal in my hands, in reality, they were diamonds. Life has been made so complex in all expectations that this world has put on us, when in reality, I think G-d wants us to live simply. In simplifying we don't waste our time engaging in pointless stress. So often I have whined about not having enough, when now all I want, is what is right in front of me. I have promised Him over and over that I will proclaim His mighty works if He pulls me through this. Only now as scared as I am, I realize that no matter what, He is mighty. Whether the outcome is what I dreamed of or not, He is my G-d. I am so blessed to have His one and only son as my Savior. Facing such uncertainty and looking at my life, that it is not what I wish I would have done. I wish I would have been more loving, more joyful, more patient, more kind, less selfish, not complain so much (you get the picture) I am covered by the blood of Jesus. As we were speaking to this one man, he said "we always sing about how amazing grace is, yet I truly don't believe any of us can even begin to comprehend it. " He's right. I don't get it, but I am clinging to G-d's promise that it is true. I have a lot of life in me, so much I want to do and I just pray He allows me more time in healthy state. My procedure is probably going to be around noon on Friday. Please pray this works. I believe a lot of this is psychological and I pray that the Lord will restore me with good health. I want to dance with Seth at our kids weddings. To play with our grandchildren, to live. I am tired and weary, so I ask that you reach out in faith and believe. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

Urgent request

Hey all. I am going to try and make this quick. I am not doing well, at all. I have hardly eaten in the last month and the weight has dropped off even faster than I could have imagined. I ended up in the ER on Sunday, where they drew labs, gave me fluids, and reluctantly I accepted pain medication. Pain medication is two fold, it temporarily makes you feel better, but in the long run slows down digestion. They were alarmed at how low my weight was (I guess you just have to see it in person to get perspective) but my labs are okay. So they didn't admit me or run tests. Since then, I have gotten this feeling of tiny cuts all over my stomach along with a punch feeling. I am nauseated at any given moment. We have wanted to approach this from a natural point of view, but don't know if there is enough time. We have someone in mind who has offered help. The thing is, my Doc has Botox as the only other alternative to jejunal tube feedings. It is thought that paralyzing the sphincter muscle will allow the food to pass through. It works in only 43% of the small case studies and it lasts only for a temp. amount of time. I am reluctant with all reactions to the meds that I have had. What sent us to the ER on Sunday was a reaction to Bently which is known to be relatively safe and it had me shaking like I was naked outside in 40 below weather. Dear friends, I am asking that you pray that G-d would make it clear what we should do. I am concerned that putting a toxic material into and already damaged nerve may cause even more damage. I am asking that you pray that the Lord would intervene as I am terrified. I am realizing more and more that G-d will make a way and His way is perfect, but I know His ways are higher than ours. I am praying He will spare my life and that I can live normally again. Oh dear friends, please pray. In the ER all they kept on saying is there in nothing more they can do. They also explained why they aren't pushing for TPN or a J tube. I also am asking for G-d's peace and hand to stretch over me, my nerves are shot and the evil one is attacking. The good Lord will prevail, but I need support. Thank you

Briefly

I just wanted to briefly update to all you faithful friends. First, I must give Praise and thanks to our G-d up above, for giving me a fantastic holiday! He helped me through a booby trap of food and to truly recognize the holiday for what it was for, to be thankful. We got to catch up with family and spend time not thinking about doctors and such, it was like a mini vacation. I had 4 days, with little to no symptoms (still abiding by the diet though) and I actually got to feel normal! My poor GG was admitted to the hospital, when we noticed that her mouth was swelling like Seth's had a while before, when he had gotten an abscess. She is almost 95 years old and very delicate. I have never seen her cry in pain before, so it broke my heart. She is on IV antibiotics and presently they are waiting for her to possibly go into surgery at any time, to take care of things. My Dad just called me and said something that blew me away. As you know, she is blind. She doesn't remember that we had Aurora and Elijah so this made this all the more exciting. My Dad said she was praying allowed (she is a huge prayer warrior) when she said that she could see a little boy and a little girl, both with blond hair. My Dad said she just sat there smiling and saying over and over how beautiful and happy they were. I am speechless. I asked if she was sedated and he said, no. Praise the Lord, this is just amazing. I have to get going, but I wanted to ask for prayers for my GG and for me. I started having pain last night and I won't get into all the issues, but please pray for whole healing for me. I can't thank you all enough for your prayers and support. I really need them and I thank the Lord for each and every one of you. I will update soon. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.

In G-d Alone

What comes to your mind when you think of the holidays? Family, parties, traveling, decorations???? For me it was the excitement of all the holiday food! Of course being thankful for all the delectable delicacies I would get to wrap my taste buds around. Maybe it's because I am hearing impaired that makes my sense of smell and taste that much more enhanced. I used to love going to the Yankee Candle store and smell each of the scents with my coupon in hand, eager to purchase the latest foodie scents of cookies, mint/vanilla, or a juicy fruit of some sort. I just bypass all the flowery scents and bring on the food! I always wondered why they haven't come up with a corned beef, taco, or sweet and sour chicken scent yet, but I guess they bypassed my suggestion;) I suppose I could have just gone into the kitchen and whipped up a batch of cookies, since most people that stopped by (never do the pop in, or else the candle won't be lit!) seem disappointed that it isn't the real deal and it's only a candle, but non the less, my sniffer appreciates each waft! After Elijah and Aurora passed, the holidays became a point of dread. While everyone was kicking up their heals with joy and merryment, I was longing to hold my children in my arms and was riddled with guilt to even crack a smile. Since having Isaiah and Aria, slowly the excitement of the holidays has returned. With each holiday I'd get so excited to have a reason to pull out, here it is people, my Kenny and Dolly Christmas CD! It is the only time I listen to them and I don't know why, but I love it! I'd make my big batches of stuffed peppers or beef, barley, mushroom, onion, and tofu soup (trust me, it tastes better than it sounds) while Kenny, Dolly, and I, sing our hearts out. Of course there is the extra batches of green bean casserole made with cream, not milk. The egg nog. The puff pastries full of goat cheese, sun dried tomatoes, and more, oh my!!!! I would pull out my fat pants and sweaters and chalk it up to help keeping me extra warm through out the winter. I even told Seth before all this had happened, how excited I was for the holiday this year. The kids are old enough to understand what it's all about and actually engage in activities of the past. Then this all happened. I didn't even realize it was time to pull out the Christmas tree and I realized the holidays were finally here, and I can't do what I have always done. To you optimists out there, I understand that I am truly blessed. The thing is, can you imagine what it is like to do this if it were you. I am not saying going on a diet, because let's face it, most of us popped the stuff in out mouth and say we'll begin our diet tomorrow. In my case, I know if I put that food in my mouth, or if I stress out about this or that, not only will I physcially pay for it, but so will the rest of the family. I thought about skipping the holidays all together. I really did. But quickly came to the conclusion, I had begged for these children and I can't not let them have fun just because I am not feeling like it. So I knew that Seth and the kids would go, but figure it is best if I stay at home. I'd rather not bring anyone down. Besides, I kind of feel like a freak show with all my food being chopped up and it really does look nasty. As I am talking to my Mother in Law, she says to me, "Well you can have soul food?!" I blanked out and thought for a moment, is she nuts? I can't eat deep fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, collard greens? She then says "Soul food is being with those you love, it doesn't have to be about the food, besides people need to see you. They need to see how you live." It took me a while to mull this over, since the bulbs in my head seem take a while to light up. When finally her words hit home. She's right. What am I going to do, sit at home at every holiday until I get better? I'm living like the dead. Some days I have already buried myself, this has got to stop. Sure there will be days that will be awful, but on the days that are good, I need to live them up! Okay ya'll, I know I probably have come to this conclusion many a time, or maybe you just want to shake me like a can of pennies, but seriously, I never knew how quickly the wool gets pulled over my eyes. So this year it isn't going to be about the food. I am still trying to figure out how to block out the mmmmmmmmm'sss or the munch munches, but I'll get there. I know it may seem easy in your mind, but for me, this is a huge thing. On the 23rd, it marks 5 months since all of this began. There are many people in this world who are going through much worse, but it doesn't make my pain any less. To make things more interesting, between the kids getting sick, which is very hard physically for me to keep up with, everything in the house is breaking. My hearing aids, our washing machine, my glasses, which to Seth's credit he fixed 2 times. The first time he finagled them together, while the second literally broke apart while I was watching my bible study lesson and preparing to go to another one. Seth says so nonchalantly, "the devil must not want you to go." He ended up super gluing them back together and then wrapped them with black electrical tape. Seriously, I laughed so hard that I thought I might pee on the couch (I did not, thank you very much) at the ridiculousness of it all. As I got ready to go with my glue/taped glasses Seth informs me the cat peed on his shoes (to Bangle's credit, it hasn't happened since our "drive" to the humane society) and then Seth cleaned them up and ran them through the drier where the bottoms literally fell of (this happened after I came back from my study) and we just laughed. Normally I would have blew up and made a big deal, but when so many things are going on, all I can think of is my life would either make a great movie or a sit com. Between running the kids back and forth to doctors office, as well as myself and blah, blah, blah. It all became one big blah. I lost it at my study and the women were very encouraging. I try so hard to control my emotions when I see people, I don't want to be Kelly downer, but I guess we can only take so much. In all of this I fell behind on my other study. The one about David with Beth Moore. I haven't been able to get to my morning bible study, since my mornings are pretty rough. Again my Mother in Law (I don't know what I'd do with out her) encouraged me to get the on line videos to stay current. I figured as long as I did the work book, it would be just as good, but I promised her I'd do it, so I did. The funny thing was it took days to get the studies. Lifeways system went down and our order never went through and then when it did, the computer sent it to here and all I can say is, if you don't believe in dark forces battling for your soul, I'd have to to strongly disagree. Each time I try to focus on G-d, some obstacle comes my way to the point of my glasses literally breaking during my study. You see I listen with my eyes. I have hearing aids, but I read lips mostly. This video already wasn't captioned, which made it hard to hear, since Beth has a thick gorgeous Texas accent. So when my glasses broke, I really couldn't hear her and I had to shut it off. Okay, back to my story. Beth was talking about Psalm 62. We used to recite part of this to Elijah when he was alive. On this day that I began to watch this study my emotions were all over the place. I cried out to G-d and asked Him why these really huge things keep on happening to us. What did I do that was so bad and what haven't I learned? So when I heard this familiar verse, I felt as though His spirit said, "stop and listen." She went on to talk about David and how he wrote the psalms with all of his emotions, that he didn't censor himself to G-d. Also in his lamenting, he never forgot to continually cry out to G-d and most of all, praise and trust Him. Other than having a crazy King chasing after me, I kind of relate to David in the way that he expressed himself, minus the killing of people. Still he shared his whole heart with G-d and was faced with trial after trial with huge monumental consequences. Now, I am not David, but in his struggles G-d appeared to be molding David into the great king that he probably wouldn't have been. Not only without G-d by his side, but also that he had learned lessons that only he understood. The biggest thing that Beth was saying over and over that I felt G-d was shaking my mind to grasp is "In G-d alone!" I always seem to look for answers from people instead of looking fully to Him. People are not G-d, so no matter how wonderful they are, eventually they will do something to disappoint you. Especially those that you have higher expectations of. I have hit rock and a hard place with this gastroparesis. Even the nurse has said, there isn't much else we can do. I ask people of great faith many questions only to get the same answer that G-d Himself has been trying to tell me, Trust. Oh how hard that is for me, yet as I am being beginning to explore this, I know there will be great freedom when I enter into trusting Him. Rest. I have been fighting for so long. I forget the verse somewhere in the New Testament, but basically they speak of punching at the air. I feel I have been fighting so long that I can't stop swinging and it's only brought on that much more exhaustion and frustration. I believe a good swing is needed when you know what you are swinging at, but lately, I can't see my hand in front of me. I don't know what the future holds for me, only He knows what is going to happen. I could be healed tonight, or I could go to my grave sooner than I had ever imagined. I won't lie to you, I get scared. I want the future and it's hard to surrender that as I am having to bend my knee and TRUST that G-d has His perfect plan for me and it may not be what I wanted. I grieve for that control, yet I pray He will grace me with great faith and trust in Him, that I may bring glory to Him in every step I take, regardless of how painful it is. Beth spoke that we have battles that G-d alone wants only us to fight. I can still ask for prayers, encouragement, and support, but it is only me, that can fight this particular battle with Him, alone. So I have to put on my armor of faith and prepare myself for yet another fight for my life. I feel I am at the front of the line, my enemy is across for me, thirsting for me to deny my G-d and to give my soul to him. Every time I post, I come across a huge opposition and I have come to realize it has hindered me from posting more often. This takes a lot out of me, but I now realize, this is my gift. And I need to bring glory to G-d with my gift. I don't just sit down and post, these thing weigh on my mind and it takes a great deal of time. This one I have been writing for 3 days. Each day, I have had something come up, today it was a sudden onset of pain and nausea. While the evil one can create much damage, he is not equal to G-d. Not even close. So now after 32 years of hoping that others will rescue me, I am fully aware that while I need the community and support, is only G-d alone, that can rescue me. Greater is He who is in me, that he who is in the world. This is easy for me to remember when it's all sunshine and rainbows, but in the cloak of darkness is where the truth is being attempted to be snuffed out. Regardless of what others believe, I am learning I need to be more confident with who I am. Seth knows the true me and he says he is always surprised to see me in action in certain situations he knows that I would never let fly. While it is good to have restraint, it's also good to have confidence and boldness with respect. Before Eli and Aurora, I was overly confident and actually felt prideful in my aggressive nature. It is one thing to be confident and another to be aggressive. After the kids died, my confidence shattered. The only place I felt safe was in my writing. So often our parents would ask why I didn't communicate in person what I wrote for hundreds of others to see. I just couldn't. I didn't know how how. I need to learn to have confidence in who G-d made me to be, in G-d alone. Right now as I write this, the computer is trying to reject saving this post which tells me all the more, it needs to be posted.

Psalm 62

New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 62 For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
² Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

³ How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
⁴ Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.^[b]

⁵ Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
⁶ Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God^[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
⁸ Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

⁹ Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie.
If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion
or put vain hope in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

¹¹ One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
¹² and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
and, “You reward everyone
according to what they have done.”

So in this dear friends I ask for your prayers. I ask that you would pray for peace to fall upon me and our household and that the Lord would make Himself clearly known to me. Pray for us, since we know the enemy is always out like a prowling lion, waiting to steal, kill, and destroy. Also for hope, hope and a miracle. I thank you dear friend for walking beside me. While some may scratch their heads and wonder what kind of kool aid I might be drinking, I encourage you to believe. I don't know what kind of hardships you are going through, maybe you or your loved one is battling an illness, maybe you are all alone, maybe you are going through a divorce, or maybe you are just searching to be found. All I can say dear friend is, In G-d alone, I place my trust. Glory to G-d. Watch, pray, believe, and be amazed.